Inner Voices

I am angry again today. The scale is not being a friend. Should I be surprised? Not really. Thursday-Sunday were so completely off program that I shouldn't be terribly shocked that it shows a gain. I guess I'm angry at myself for going off the program. Let's dance - it's easy - 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Whatever. I guess I'm still 1 step ahead which is better than nothing. And there's always next week. Every day is a chance to improve. It just pisses me off that I struggle with so many of the dozens of choices I'm confronted with every day.

If I want to get healthy, I'll do the right thing, right? You'd think so. But I don't always care. I think it's the depression, but there is a large part of my personality that is apathetic about the whole thing. Food is an instant antidepressant. When I am miserable, and I cheer myself up with something tasty, I can just feel it all over, from my head to my toes. Feelings of being soothed, calm, happy, relaxed, wonderful. It lasts long enough for it to be worth it when I'm sad. Yes it's ultimately destructive. But, I'm an addict, and it's so hard to say no when such a strong part of me wants to say yes and has logical reasons to say yes!

So, it's a struggle, and that alone makes me feel like crap. It should be easy. I should be happy about all of the healthy food I can eat and how I am able to exercise and keep up with my workout DVDs now. It's only been a few weeks and already I feel a physical improvement in my heart & lungs, extra endurance, extra energy, extra strength. I no longer feel like my body is a lump of lard waiting to fall over and die.

But I still think about bingeing. I still think about blowing off the program. These thoughts creep in a dozen or more times a day. And as much as I fight them off, I can't help but wonder how long I'm going to be able to keep this up. That one day, once again, I'm going to just crumble under the pressure of the little voices that tell me I should just treat myself to lunch out, to a brownie for a midafternoon snack, and then to order pizza for dinner and eat half. And that on the following day I'll get egg/bacon/cheese on a croissant and maybe also a Boston Cream donut because that way I can eat it while driving to work. And coffee with cream and real sugar. And the cycle will continue and I'll spiral out of control and find myself back here wondering why I let myself do that, maybe 50 pounds above my highest weight, starting over at square one with even farther to go and an even slower metabolism.

I guess the main problem with this thinking is that I really *do* believe that I will crumble, eventually. That I'm not going to be able to keep this up for much longer. That I'm a fraud and that I'm out of control and that I'm not a capable enough person to take care of myself. And that all of my fighting is ultimately going to be in vain.

Is that the depression talking or what? It sounds so dysfunctional when I write it out, but this is the best way I can express the inner battle that is going on. I hope that by writing it out and seeing in black & white how ridiculous my inner voices sound, that it will help me to change the way I think over time. That it's not futile to try and get to a healthy weight. Hell, even a healthier weight.

I just need to keep focusing on other things that make me happy. Reading, writing, playing games, movies, tv, even exercise. Spending time with my husband. I need to find new things to do as well. And I need to stop using food to procrastinate from doing things I have to do but don't want to do.

Bringing Shrinkyback (again!)

Yesterday I stayed OP and I feel great about it. I did my 3-mile WATP workout, ate according to my plan, and still managed to relax, have fun, and get enough sleep. Of course having that day under my belt makes it even easier for today to be an OP day too.

Lean Cuisine Skillet Sensations are a total lifesaver! They're so easy to make, tasty, filling, and low point (4-5 points for half of a bag). Last night I made the garlic chicken one for me & my husband, along with a Steamfresh bag of green beans. Steamfresh veggies are also a major lifesaver. On some level, I feel bad about all the convenience foods I eat, but it's healthier than what I'd otherwise be eating (i.e. high fat convenience foods!).

Tomorrow night I'm going grocery shopping so I've been thinking about what meals I want to make in the next week or so. I am definitely going to make some turkey-veggie chili - it's so delicious and super filling. It's 6 points for a big serving, and it's full of veggies & lean protein. I'll post the recipe when I get the chance. Basically all I do is make regular chili according to a chili spice packet for 2 lbs of meat. I use ground chicken breast or ground turkey breast for 1 lb of the meat, and instead of a 2nd pound of meat, I chop up 2-3 zucchinis, a cup or two of mushrooms, and use a 15-oz can each of dark kidney beans, black beans, and red kidney beans. What amazes me about it, is that a lot of my guy friends who claim to hate veggies and typically like to eat a lot of crap say that they like my chili better than the chili I used to make (which was full fat, no veggies, lots of beef). I didn't tell them it was healthy, I just told them it was a new recipe I tried. Sometimes it's ok to be a little sneaky. ;-)

Also for December I am going to get myself a new workout DVD and I want to come up with a good way of tracking my food that I enjoy using. I might go to a WW center and pick up a 12-week QuikTrak diary. I love those things. Maybe I'll even *gasp* think about rejoining meetings...hmm...I don't know. I wish there was a WW center closer to either me or my office. I'll have to think on it. Maybe. I am doing pretty well without meetings though, so I might just save the money for rewards and clothes and fun stuff.

Rethinking...

Ok I'm already taking back what I previously wrote about BCB. I feel so resistant to making a committment to do something whole-heartedly. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do. It's because any sort of food moderation feels like punishment on some level. "You don't get to have that, but all your skinny friends do."

Naturally my response is to say "Screw that", and have the forbidden fruit (or Snickers) anyway. And then I fall into the carbohydrate chain reaction where a candy bar begets a bagel which leads to some potato chips and regular Coke and maybe a couple of slices of pizza...for a *snack*.

But as I posted on BCB, I am sick of my excuses and self-pity. I took too long to get back on track this time. But I have to stop looking at Weight Watchers as punishment or a chore. It's a choice. A choice that I made. And I made it because I want to feel good! And look good! And be healthy!

I can easily make a different choice. I can choose to ignore my weight and my diet. But I have to remember that I truly do not believe that I have a limit with regards to how much weight I can gain. I took 3 months off from WW and tried to eat "intuitively". In all honesty, I don't even think my eating was *that* bad in that time. And yet I gained 30 lbs! I went from 230 to 260. And that will be the result, and then some, if I choose to relax and ignore my weight and my diet. It will only get worse, and it will only get harder. And I will keep having to buy bigger and bigger clothes as everything in my wardrobe gets tighter and tighter and less and less flattering.

Anyway, I have been back OP today. Doing well. Feeling ok. Tired though. And my damn cough came back. I hate this cough!

Back on Track

Ok, well Thanksgiving was pretty wonderful, relaxing, peaceful, calm, tasty. The following Friday was also pretty nice, and on Saturday we hosted a big party with our friends and strong drinks, very very strong drinks. Today I slept late and nursed a hangover, reminded that I am no longer in college and can't handle that kind of partying.

So, I overindulged, I admit it. But this sort of stuff happens, what's important is getting right back on track, which is what I am doing. I am working on a meal plan tomorrow, am going to straighten up the kitchen, and psych myself up for YAY WEIGHT WATCHERS!

I have to remember how good I feel after exercising and how much better it feels to be eating real food instead of salty greasy sugary things. And that if most of my days are moderate and healthy, then a couple of overindulgent weekends are not going to kill me or make me stay fat. It's all about what you do the majority of the time.

I guess this mentality is part of why I don't entirely feel like I jive with BCB. Is it really wrong to feel this way? The BCB philosophy says so. Sometimes I think the BCB philosophy would have me go back there and ask for forgiveness and take 40 lashes and promise never to do it again. Maybe I don't want to be a person who freaks out over one meal. Maybe if I wasn't freaking out over one meal before that meal happened, it would have been limited to one meal instead of 4 days? The forbidden snacks are always the tastiest.

I do think that I overdid it and I never want to go that overboard again. I did good by getting rid of a lot of our leftovers, and forcing people to take cookies home that they brought, and throwing out seriously trigger-licious leftovers that I couldn't get rid of. But at the same time, I feel as though I could have done better by having a more healthy breakfast on Thanksgiving morning, by getting more exercise in all weekend, by using Friday as a rest day between parties to really stuff myself with veggies and fruits and healthy things. More than anything else, I overloaded on CARBS CARBS CARBS! Holy crap, carbs! Bagels and dinner rolls and raisin bread and pie. And all that crap just makes me crave more of the same, more of the same, until my stomach hurts and I can't sleep or move or stay still.

So, I don't like multiple days of junk food in a row. One per couple of months I think is not the end of the world. Christmas is coming up, followed by my husband's birthday two days later. I'd rather indulge on his birthday as I am taking him to a fondue restaurant then, and that food is worth the calories/fat grams/points/whatever. Christmas dinner (and the surrounding days) we will be at his parents' & grandparents' on the Cape. Luckily I feel like his mother and grandmother resent me for my weight, and they do manipulative things like give me extra small slivers of pie and make little comments about working out, etc, so I will be inclined to eat like a damn bird there anyway. So I will journal like a hardcore freak during Christmas, chew lots of gum, and pray to be released from the judgemental ones.

I guess December might be a good month to take up paper journalling. That way I don't have to lament the lack of connection to the Internet or BCB or WeightWatchers.com. I can bring my WW food companion book, a notebook, a pen, and some knitting or something. And I can drag my SIL who is a fellow weight watcher out for walks if it's not too miserable out.

Anyway, back on track, that's all that matters. Now, off to get a good night's sleep and start the work week on the right foot.

Why the Temptation?

Why am I so tempted to blow off the program? What is with the urge to sneak in a little bit of something I shouldn't have? Who do I think I'm cheating? Why can't I just wait until I've planned for these caloric splurges?

I think part of it is that it's really hard to truly relate one snack with improved health or improved weight. In all honesty, no, the peanut butter cups are not going to make me gain or lose weight. Neither is a dinner out with an appetizer, entree, and dessert. It's in stacking these splurges that the pounds come and come to stay.

So, when I'm in the heat of a craving, it's so easy to justify - one won't hurt! It won't make a big deal! I'll get right back on track (tomorrow/after Thanksgiving/etc). It's so hard to rationalize to myself that it will make a difference because I won't get right back on track - my manipulative inner brat is pleading and working to convince the rest of me that I will and it won't hurt and just this once can't I have what I want?

I mean, right now I'm typing this because I am feeling this desperation, that I want to just give myself a break and go off program for a couple days and take a break from counting and measuring and whatnot. I know that I'd be lying to myself if I said I could bounce right back from it. I don't think I could. And I know how good my body is at storing fat really fast - it wouldn't take long for me to regain the 4 pounds that I worked hard to lose.

And I feel so negative. There is a voice that tells me why bother resisting? If it was so hard to lose those 4 lbs, and I have so very many more to lose, it's probably futile to even try. I'm just torturing myself and in the process delaying the inevitable - that I won't lose weight and even if I do, I'll just gain it back, unless I have surgery or something.

What a great attitude, right? This isn't even my attitude all the time...just the past couple of days.

And I don't know what I need to hear or to tell myself to snap out of this feeling. I don't think the normal cheerleading that I find so motivating will help. Because I feel like a fraud. Even t hough I haven't technically been off program, and I have written down every single morsel I've eaten and logged it on the BCB forums...I just feel like a fraud, because there is a part of me that does not enjoy WW. I do not enjoy counting calories, I do not enjoy counting points, I do not enjoy feeling as though I have to exercise or risk falling into a pit of depression. I am waiting for myself to screw it up. To skip a day...and then another...to grab a brownie and neglect to be accountable for it. Because when these things happen, they snowball for me.

I guess it's just really hard to put past failures behind me. I know I should, but it's just so hard. I do feel that if I just keep telling my BCB buddies what I have eaten, every day, that even if I should slip I could right myself faster. I just hate how I want to slip. I want to sink into that comforting feeling of going out and getting a giant cheeseburger and fries and a big cold beer.

And eventually I can do that with my Flex Points, but I can't do that this week, or rather, I CHOOSE not to do that this week, because I am saving the few WPAs I have left for tomorrow.

On another note, I think what might be frustrating me so much are several upcoming trips. I'll be visiting my friend for whom I am a maid of honor in December...then for Christmas we're spending a few days with my in-laws. In January I will probably have to go back down to visit my friend for another weekend. We also are supposed to visit my BIL & SIL in January. February I might be going to visit my folks in Arizona. In April my stepmom & sister are coming to visit me. In May I am going to Vegas for my friend's bachelorette party *and* throwing her a bridal shower. In June, it's her wedding. So, for the next several months, I'll be going away almost twice a month. It stresses me out to think about trying to stay OP for all of that. I always struggle when I am away from home and away from food I can control!

But then this is why people always try to tell you to focus on one day at a time. And furthermore, I can only tell myself I will do the best I can. I will have many, many normal work days during those months. So what if I even only managed to stay OP on those work days? That's still better than what I had been doing. It's still better than getting cheesy paninis and french fries for lunch everyday, with a giant brownie for a mid-afternoon snack, and no exercise! It's a lot better!

Anyway, this was just a rant. As I said, I'm still OP. I guess I will just focus on today and just keep doing the best I can.

Time to Refocus

I feel like my enthusiasm & resolve is starting to wane. I have been OP & today I got a good workout in (WATP 3-mile!)...but I dunno. Something inside me is starting to say "meh" about the whole weight-loss better-health thing. And it bothers me, but the part of me that's bothered is being lured into inaction by the siren-call of the couch, and the temptation of pizza delivery and Chinese food buffets. Breakfasts provided by Dunkin Donuts and my old pal the McGriddle.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not caved, I am OP and I plan to stay OP. I just want to get a little more hardcore. I hadn't started off strong with the Healthy 8's and all that jazz, and I think it's starting to be time to be a little more strict about these things.

Dinnertime is the worst. Breakfast is easy. I can stay OP without a thought. An egg on a light english muffin, or some cereal with milk, and voila, there we go, we're on our way. Lunch, that's easy too. Lean Cuisine's are pretty tasty and I've gotten into the habit of having a Lean Cuisine and a piece of fruit for lunch, and then a piece of fruit & an Activia yogurt (which thus far has not helped my tummy issues) for a mid-afternoon snack.

Then I get home. And I want to do nothing. Because all around me there are things that I need to do. Or that I tell myself I need to do. I need to clean. I need to cook. I need to exercise. I need to read. I need to do laundry. I need to sort through bills. I need to watch a certain show. I need to get to bed by a certain time. Blah blah blah, I'm sick of it. It makes me want to do nothing. Nothing!

And a lot of the time, I do nothing. I crash on the couch or I wander around the apartment aimlessly, I take long bubble baths staring at the ceiling, I mindlessly surf the Internet reading flame wars for fun, and nothing I want to or need to do gets done. And I don't even enjoy this downtime because it's not downtime, it's procrastination. Because of course I don't want to start dealing with all of my have-to-do's...there's so many and it's just too daunting.

Kind of like the pounds I want to lose. There's so many! I can't get excited over the 3 I lost last week, even though I know it was awesome and I should be proud, because I still have trouble ignoring the big picture.

But there's an even bigger picture than my have-to-do's and my pounds-to-lose. Why am I doing this shit in the first place? There is no law that says my apartment must be tidy and I must be healthy. I'm doing these things because I want to be goddamn happy. And when I look at all the things I'm not doing, I ignore the things I have done. I mean, I already feel more fit than I did 2 weeks ago, just from exercising almost everyday. I don't huff & puff walking up the stairs anymore. And I just feel a little bit better about my body, just a little bit more confident.

I don't know. There's just so much I want to do. Things are such a mess. It's bothering me to the point where it blocks out my motivation to keep being healthy.

Here are the things that are (still) stressing me out:

- Messy kitchen
- Messy bedroom
- Ten thousand loads of laundry to do
- Unfinished thank you notes
- My car needs work
- I need to finish changing my name
- Bags and bags of mail & papers to sort through
- Holiday shopping

Probably more stuff. I just keep forgetting all my ten thousand things I have to do, and then I remember them at the last minute and I just feel so disorganized and scattered. I hate it! I just want to get to a point where I can come home from work and not feel like everything is a disaster. I want to come home, make dinner with my husband, exercise, relax, and go to sleep. Why is that such an unreasonable dream?

I know, though, going off plan will not help me fix other things...I need to stay strong on this and keep chugging. Even if I'm not perfect with the healthy 8's, I committed to journal all of my food whether I stay OP or not. And I want to stay OP.

Last Week

I realized that I totally forgot to update this blog on Friday's WI!

I am down 3 lbs, at a weight of 256 lbs. I am down a total of 4 lbs.

I have also decided to start tracking my waist measurement. This is my first week of tracking and it is 43 inches. The goal is to get it under 32 inches which is the maximum healthy waist size for a woman, according to You! On a Diet. So let's see how this goes.

Expectations

I am frustrated. I think it comes down to me having some unreasonable expectations for myself.

I just expect to go from the bottom of my potential to the top in the blink of an eye. Sloppy lazy fat girl to organized energetic cute girl overnight. I can become who I want. I can have the life I want. But jeez, it takes time!

I'm all upset with myself because I expected to do 7 loads of laundry tonight, write 35 thank you notes, clean the kitchen, clean the bedroom, take out some garbage, and then relax and watch a movie. I also thought I'd get around to baking a pie. By the way, I didn't even get home from a family gathering until 6pm. These were not realistic expectations! No wonder I fell short of my goals.

I got about 12 thank you notes written. I did 2 loads of laundry. Everything else is still a mess. But I'm very tired, I didn't get much sleep last night, and I got *some* stuff done today. I should be very happy that I started on my projects instead of procrastinating yet another weekend away.

I do feel like I spend so much time anxious and grumpy about the tremendous amount of stuff I expect myself to do that I never even start doing these things. 2 loads of laundry are manageable. 12 thank you notes are manageable. Maybe I can even straighten up the kitchen and run the dishwasher before bed. Or clean the litterbox and take out some garbage. But what I don't do, I can do tomorrow, piece by piece. And the next day. And the day after.

I need to leave more time to relax. And enjoy life. And do the other things I want to do. Little by little. Piece by piece. I have to learn to temper my expectations a bit.

Exercise

I have really been enjoying getting back into the swing of working out. It really seems to be helping me avoid emotional eating & cope with my depression fairly well. And it gives me something to be proud of every single day, no matter what the scale says or what size I'm wearing.

No matter how tired, cranky, yucky I feel, working up a killer sweat for 30-45 minutes after work really does make me feel better somehow. I want to hold on to this, I want this to become part of who I am. I love that I am exercising to deal with my feelings, and writing to deal with my feelings, and not bingeing. Since November 5, I have worked out every single day except for last Sunday. Tomorrow I don't have time for a home workout, but I might go to the mall at lunchtime to walk a few laps around each floor.

A Little Better

I'm feeling a little better...the whole situation with my therapist is so frustrating. I can't even figure out why it makes me so upset, it just does. Last night I was doing ok, but then I just started crying and crying. K was trying to help, but there isn't much he can do. I mean, unless he wants to beat up people at the insurance company.

At any rate, there is a silver lining. I was upset, so I cried and journalled about it. But, I didn't eat because of it. I finished the day 100% OP and didn't even do any midnight munching. Honestly, I thought about it briefly, but I didn't really have to fight very hard to not binge. I just wanted to cry so I let myself.

I was so wired and stressed from crying, and my nose was all stopped up from crying, that I couldn't fall asleep. At 1:30 am, after lying in bed for an hour and a half and still feeling wide awake, I decided to just get up and drink some water and play Puzzle Pirates for a little bit to get my mind off of things that I couldn't do anything about until the morning anyway.

So, I didn't get very much sleep last night, but I am feeling a bit better. I got a voicemail from one of the new doctors I called about taking over my meds management, so I am going to continue playing phone tag with him and see if I can get an appt within the month so I'm not left hanging without any antidepressants. I am going to put off working on finding a new therapist and trying to work things out with my current therapist until Monday. I am tired & I have a few other things stressing me out, so I'd rather focus on a couple things at a time. The talk therapy isn't as urgent as the medication anyway, only because I won't get withdrawal symptoms if I lapse on my therapy for a few days/weeks.

So, for today and tomorrow, I am going to attempt to talk with the above mentioned new doctor. I am going to buy some supplies for card-making for my holiday cards. I am going to straighten up the apartment a bit more and do a couple of loads of laundry.

This weekend K & I have plans with friends to go out to a burrito joint (I have pointed out a tasty and yet healthy option already) and then go see Happy Feet, and then go to our friends' place to watch Battlestar on Friday...then on Saturday we are going to our nephews' first & third birthday party (their birthdays are a week apart!). I am not sure what the food is going to be like at the birthday party, but they always have a veggie platter and I will just do the best I can. Saturday night I am going to stay home and try & crank out as many thank-you notes as possible.

I still have about 4 large bags of papers to sort through. It makes me sick to think about it. But I need to get started. I will feel so much better once the apartment is straightened up and the papers are taken care of and the thank-you's are sent out. I think these things have been weighing on me pretty heavily. I'd like that to be my focus for the weekend. And my reward will be renting a movie with K on Sunday night and just truly & utterly relaxing.

Ready to Cry

I just want to cry... I'm practically in tears here at work. When I got married, we decided that I would switch to my husband's health insurance because his is a PPO and you don't need referrals for things and you can see out-of-network doctors for only a slightly higher copay. But what I should have researched further was their mental health coverage, because none of the people I've been working with for that are in their network. And they don't let you see out-of-network people for behavioral healthcare except with a $600 deductible and then only at a 50% rate.

Anyway, so I was talking to the new insurance's customer service about what to do, and they said all I had to do was call the office of my current therapist & the nurse practitioner who is in charge of my medication management and have them agree to see me at the insurance co's in-network rates. So, I went through the channels to do that, and I got the approval. So that was all set, right? No.

I then had to call back my insurance company to confirm that this was all set and have them call the dr's office billing coordinator to confirm how things would be billed. This is when they said to me "Wait a minute, who approved this?!" And I answered "My doctor's office!" And then she said "No, who here approved this?!" And I said, the woman who I spoke to last night at this very same number! And then I was put on hold and transferred around. I was then told I'd have to switch to an in network doctor for my medication management but that I wouldn't have to change therapists. Then after a long time of being put on hold, they told me I really had to change therapists too.

I find all of this horribly upsetting. Like I'm totally in limbo and I have to start from scratch. I've been working so hard to feel better and right now I don't even have a doctor or therapist. My old therapist called me back after I had to cancel all of my appointments, and she said that she'd see me without charging me to wrap things up and say goodbye. And she suggested I try calling the dr's office billing coordinator (the one who did approve the thingy mentioned above) one more time and explain the situation and see if she can think of anything else to do.

I don't know why it's all so upsetting. I mean I'm not madly in love with my therapist or the nurse practitioner who manages my antidepressants. Though I felt like I was making progress with my therapist finally, and I'm just such an anxious and shy person that this is just such a major change for me. Now I have to start all over from scratch and it's making me feel extra depressed and extra hopeless. And if I didn't know that I would have horrendous withdrawal symptoms from going off of my antidepressant, I might just forego switching and just stop seeing anybody altogether. But that's what those cheap motherfuckers at the insurance company want, isn't that? Wouldn't that make them richer? If I didn't go get treatment? And I just got a refill for my antidepressants from my general practitioner? I'm going to milk those fuckers for every benefit I am entitled to, now that I realize what a big mistake it was to switch to K's insurance plan.

I don't know, maybe I should find out what the actual cost for therapy is through my therapist...maybe it's worth the $600/year out of pocket + 50% thereafter. Ugh it's all just so frustrating.

I don't even know what I want to do, what the ideal situation would be. I just wanted things that were fixtures in my life to stay the same while I worked on getting better and improving my life, picking up the pieces of my messy life. I suppose seeing a new therapist could be a blessing in disguise. But I don't feel ready for any sort of change. I feel like I'm being pushed out of an airplane without a parachute. Isn't that dramatic?

It's times like this when I feel like an angsty thirteen year old instead of a responsible adult.

Stop Obsessing!

I've been OP & doing fairly well with it (for me, at least) since last Monday, so we're just barely over a week OP. I feel like I'm in the groove & all that. And I'm terrified because I think I often get to this point. And somehow it crumbles away from me. And as much as right now, while I'm doing well and feeling good, I can tell myself that I won't let it ... how can I really know what's going to happen? I have said so many times that I would keep it up. I have promised myself so many times that this time would be the last time I would have to start over. And every other time, it has been a lie. Not an intentional lie, but a lie nonetheless.

I guess what is so frustrating is that there's no FF button to press while I'm hot. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, I'm doing well! I want to lock in the motivation and rush forward a month or two. Time seems to move so slowly, especially when I look at where I am right now, and where I'd like to be. Hell, I've only had one WI since being back OP, and it was a fucking gain. But it is going to take many, many WI's, some better than others, to get even halfway to where I want to be. How can I wait? The waiting sucks. It feels like I have to sit and twiddle my thumbs and be completely passive. I mean, the food is in check. My workouts are planned. Now what?

This is why diet obsession scares me so much. Maybe that is why this point in a diet is so dangerous for me. Clearly I am not doing this in the background if I'm so impatient, and I'm scrounging for something else diet-related to do. Come on, Shrinky, it's food and exercise! It's not supposed to be the main focus of a person's life! It's pathetic to be sad that there isn't more I can do. Don't I have a life? Don't I want one?!

I have piles of books that I've been dying to read, movies I've wanted to watch, thank you cards I need to write, an apartment to straighten up, a husband to hang out with, stories I want to write, research I need to do...and yet all I can think about is how I wish I was doing more diet stuff. Ridiculous. I have to shift my focus. It's just not healthy!

Not Hungry

For a change, I am not hungry. I had been planning on using some WPAs for some cereal and milk as a dessert/snack, but it seems silly to eat when I'm not hungry. Why am I so weirded out about not being hungry? I guess because I always seem hungry. I keep listening to my stomach, expecting to feel pangs that aren't there. And part of me is worried that if I don't eat the cereal, something horrible will happen. Isn't that messed up? God forbid I skip dessert.

Worst case is I wake up very hungry in the middle of the night. If that is the case, I can have some cereal then, or wait until morning. Why am I so afraid of not eating?

Food & WATP

I am in a foodie mood right now...I've been chatting on AIM with one of my girlfriends and the conversation often gravitates to food.

I'm waiting until Wednesday (payday) to go to the grocery store again as an excuse to use up all of the things we have on hand already. Tonight I'm making a simple chicken/onion/cheese quesadilla and sald (6 points, can't beat it), and tomorrow night it's just going to be pasta & sauce.

Once I hit the store, I am going to be making the following...

Moroccan Chickpea Eggplant Stew (3 points/serving)
Dhal Soup - ohmygodsogood (7 points/serving)
Apple, Onion, & Goat Cheese Pizza (12 points/serving)

I also think I will try the following variaton of the Crustless Pumpkin Pie:

Crustless Pumpkin Pie
Servings: 6
Points per serving: 2

15 oz canned pumpkin
1 cup fat-free evaporated milk
1/2 cup plain fat-free yogurt
1 items egg white(s)
2 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup McNeil Nutritionals SPLENDA No Calorie Sweetener
1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice
1/2 cup Nabisco Cream Of Wheat, 10 Minute

Mix the wet ingredients together with wire whisk, then add in dry. Pour into 8" square pan (or pie pan) sprayed with cooking spray. Bake for 60 minutes in 350 degree oven.

Note that I have no clue if it will turn out nicely or not - the last time I made the crustless pumpkin pie, it was kind of gross. Some people use something called "Simple Syrup" from DaVinci, so I will see if I can find it anywhere to use instead of the Splenda - I'm not a huge fan of Splenda these days. Although I bet the Simple Syrup uses Splenda, so maybe it's all the same.

My last post showed what a foul mood I was in ... I pretty much have been mopey and depressed since yesterday. I can't pinpoint a reason except that I didn't workout on Sunday. I'm interested to see if working out today makes me feel a bit better. If so, I don't think I'll be skipping anymore workouts.

I was browsing Amazon earlier for some ideas for some new workout videos to add to my rotation. Right now I'm just pretty much sticking with WATP 1,2, and 3 mile. I think I am going to pick up the WATP - Walk & Kick, Walk & Jog, and the 4-mile. On one hand, Leslie annoys me, but on the other hand, hers are the only workouts that I've really stuck with in my apartment.

Wedding Envy

I had been dealing with a very severe depression during my wedding planning. It wasn't because of the wedding, but some of the aspects of the wedding didn't help (i.e. I didn't have the wedding I wanted because I felt pushed into having a bigger fluffy wedding, and then everyone turned it around saying that I was the one who wanted the big wedding, which was not true). I was also depressed because my bridesmaids were all in NY/NJ while I was in MA so I didn't have anyone around to help me or chat with me or whatever. So, it wasn't the fun experience I wished it was.

Now one of my best friends is engaged and I'm one of her 2 honor attendants along with I think 3 other bridesmaids. And I think I'm being an asshole. And I need to get over it, because it's her wedding and it's not about me or my moods.

First off, she's mentioned that for her bachelorette party she wants to go to Miami or Vegas. I think this is ridiculous because for my bachelorette party, I got taken to this rinky dink murder mystery show in NYC. It was fun and we had a good time, but come on, murder mystery versus VEGAS? So I'm feeling catty about that. Because she expects something way better than I got, and yeah it's a little boneheaded of her to even suggest it, but whatever. I need to stop comparing what I got to what she will get.

I'm nervous because I think her other bridesmaids are all party girls who like to go clubbing and dancing ... and I don't. I mean I would if I wasn't nearly 260 lbs and shy and just awkward. The depression doesn't help. And these girls are all size 2. So I feel really nervous about all of the wedding stuff because I'm going to stick out (and in a bad way) and even if I lose weight by June, it's not going to be that much, maybe 36 pounds tops, and I'll still be well over 200 lbs.

But why am I worried or stressing about it? Who cares? It's not my wedding. I guess I'm jealous about some things. I'm jealous that she's skinny and is going to look great in any wedding gown she chooses. I'm jealous that she's planning her wedding at a time when she is feeling pretty good. I'm jealous that she's got people nearby to go shopping with and try things on with. She didn't even ask me if I could come down to NY/NJ to go bridesmaid dress shopping with the other girls. I guess I feel kind of hurt about that. But at the same time, I feel like a jerk for being hurt.

I don't even really want to be in her wedding the more I think about it, but she was in mine, and it's not that I don't want to be in her wedding because I don't love her to pieces. She's a little bit of an airhead, but that's not her fault, that's how she's always been. I guess I'm just sad about some things about my wedding and I'm playing the comparison game, like it's a competition or something.

I guess I really am sad about my wedding. I wanted a small backyard wedding but I couldn't get anyone to agree. Rather than stand my ground and find a way to make my dream wedding happen, I just went the easy route and had it in a hotel. And it was nice, sure, but it wasn't what I wanted at all. It wasn't me. And I have to live with that forever. And that kind of sucks. And I know it's just a party, just one day, and it's a day that technically went well, but it just makes me sad that I didn't have the wedding I wanted.

Now my friend is getting married, and my sister just got engaged...and I know they are going to get to learn from my experiences and they are going to get more help than I did. And their weddings are going to be much better than mine. And the bratty child in me is all pissed off about it. I know, I know, I need to get over it. I'm just sad. I'm angry at myself and my family and my husband all for pushing me towards the easy solution instead of the right solution. I'm angry at myself for falling into a severe depression and gaining extra weight and just being difficult and tired and apathetic throughout most of my engagement.

I guess I have the choice of being sad about a wedding that I didn't have and can't do anything about, or I can suck it up and be a good friend and a good sister and do my best to have fun at these weddings and celebrate and also try and look as good as I can in my bridesmaid dresses and try to kick back and stop being a brat and have fun.

Quick Update

Just a quick update to wrap up the weekend. I had a really good weekend, WW-wise. Maybe not so much productivity-wise, but whatever. I have to say that while I think my overall energy level & mood have improved, I am still quite exhausted a lot of the time. Plus, I have a headache.

Friday night after work, K & I wound up taking a nap with the cats until shortly before Battlestar started. We woke up and I made some egg salad (light on the mayo, served on whole wheat) and was thus OP. I also exercised - WATP 3-mile!

Saturday we had some errands to run. I had eaten a 5 am snack (I am still working on not eating in the middle of the night, but in the meantime I am just logging it all as part of my daily points), and didn't eat breakfast. We went to lunch with a couple of friends at a new Chinese/Japanese restaurant. Turned out that they had a buffet, but I did really well - I stuck to sushi, melon, and reasonable portions of my 2 favorites dumplings & veggie tempura. I did not pile my plate to the ceiling, and I did not have a little bit of everything. Then I did my WATP 3-mile again, and went to dinner at Panera (had a plain bagel w/ sundried tomato cream cheese). We went bowling and I had a light beer and then stuck to diet soda...I have to say, I don't really like diet soda, but there is something in the going-out mentality that makes me want to order something other than water, so it's sort of a victory for me not to order regular Coke (which I love). When I got home, I was hungry, so I had an apple and a piece of light cheese. All in all, a really good OP day.

Today was also OP...I slept a lot & didn't exercise today...but I put together a really good dinner using leftovers and a skillet, and had a really tasting and sastisfying dessert of an oat bran pita (1 point) w/ 2 tbsp Better'n PB (2 points) and a drizzle of chocolate syrup (1 point) ... oh my goodness so good!

I ran to the supermarket today and had to make the choice as to whether to get any low point sweet snacks/desserts (e.g. WW snack cakes, Skinny Cows, etc)...I decided against it because I have done so well this week with limited sweets, and I can always make myself something like the above-mentioned pita dessert if I am really craving something. I'm also looking up some new recipes to try later on this week...I will probably make this Moroccan Eggplant stew I once made last year (that was fabulous and only like 3 points a serving...I'm not sure why I haven't made it since!). And Dhal soup. Mmm. It should be rainy & chilly all week so it will be a great week for soups & stews.

And...I guess that's about it!

I never finish anyth

This t-shirt sums up one of the things about myself that I really, really want to change. One of my worst traits is that I start things and give up very easily. It doesn't take much to knock the wind out of my sails, most of the time, and when the going gets tough, Shrinky gives up. Do I want to be a quitter? A giver upper? No. It's the only surefire way to never reach any of my goals in life, to never actualize any of my dreams. And believe me, this applies not only to weight loss, but to...well...tons of things.

Even when I was younger, in high school or college, I'd take a class and start out with high hopes and big dreams. I was going to be organized and diligent and do everything right! I'd make up this grand plan, and sit down for a couple nights and study and do my homework and go to class on time, etc. But then it would get boring or tiresome or hard, and I wouldn't want to deal with it anymore. So then I'd start slacking off. And I could do this. I could get by doing the bare minimum of effort needed to get by. Hell, I got my degree, didn't I? But I did so by the skin of my teeth. I really pushed the envelope to only get as much as I needed by doing the bare minimum necessary.

I remember as a smaller child on the first day of spring setting out to start a nature journal. I would go outside and look at all the signs of spring popping up, from buds on trees to crocuses, and write the date and draw a little picture in my nature journal. I think this lasted two days before I realized how much easier it was to sit on my ass and watch cartoons.

Is this not exactly what I have been doing with dieting? I start, I do well for a little while, but then it just gets so tiresome to work so hard for such minimal result, and it feels so good to just let loose and ignore my weight and ignore points and calories, and it feels so good to just laze after work instead of exercising...that I just give in to what's easier.

Of course, giving up on these things feels good immediately, because you can relax and the pressure is gone. There is the immediate gratification of getting to watch tv instead of studying, or getting to eat 2 ginormous slices of chocolate cake instead of a dinky pudding cup. There is the freedom and relaxation that comes with giving up. But then it comes back. It comes back slowly, and not always in a very direct sort of way.

Grades start dropping a little. The teacher calls on you and you can't answer because you didn't bother reading the assignment. Your pants get a little tight. It gets a little harder to walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. But overall the consequences are so slow and so sneaky that it doesn't always seem urgent to get back on track. Because even with tight pants and a little classroom embarrassment - cake still tastes awesome and tv is still fun to watch.

In my history, it seems getting back to square one or worse to get me to start over. With school, I've always gotten decent grades by means of all-nighters and cramming at the very end. I've learned to manipulate and work the entire system - the system of my body (Red Bull and salty snacks for energy) as well as the academic system - to get the results I want. You can't do this with most things though. I can't do this with the things that really matter to me.

Ummm...where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I want to start finishing things that I set out to do. So far, I have been updating this blog somewhat religiously, and have been journalling my food and exercising like a good little WW-er.

On November 1 I eagerly started NaNoWriMo only to pretty much stop 3 days later. Last night I started again, and plan to continue on all weekend to see if I can catch up. Every other year I have quit by the third day and let my partially written manuscript rot in My Documents folder.

Since I can't really tell you how long it will take me to lose the weight I want to lose, I am using NaNoWriMo as a way of proving to myself that I can reach goals I set for myself. I have to do this!

Ugly Duckling

I'm feeling like an ugly duckling these days. Sloppy, pudgy, unattractive, almost invisible. Sadly, with very few exceptions, I have felt like an ugly duckling for the vast majority of my life. I've mentioned this before, but as a child, I was a very ugly duckling, especially after my mother died and I had no female presence to help me look nice. My clothes were wrinkled and didn't fit well, I had acne, my hair was long and tangled and scraggly and often dirty, and I was chubby so I just looked swollen.

As a pre-teen and in my early teens, I was recovering from a bad perm and bad clothing choices. Most jeans came at least slightly tapered, which is just an abomination, but I wore them anyway. I thought I was being trendy by dressing grungy - denim cut offs, torn jeans, guy-cut t-shirts, flannel shirts, etc - but in retrospect, I just looked kind of ugly & butch. Even then I wished that there was a way for me to look beautiful and romantic and pretty, but it just seemed so impossible. I was fat, I was nerdy, I had glasses with gigantic round lenses, there was just no hope.

At some point, around the ages of 15-16, I was exercising regularly, eating fairly healthfully (I was mostly a vegetarian and had very specific eating habits), and I dropped some weight. I was wearing makeup, buying clothes that reflected for the most part how I wanted to look, and on some level I had turned from the ugly duckling to the swan I wanted to be. But it was short lived, because I didn't know how to be pretty, how to continue taking care of myself, how to deal with any sort of actual attention. I had been afraid of people except my known & trusted friends, and have always been afraid of people since elementary school. My elementary school classmates (and teachers) were downright abusive in how they treated me, and basically I left my Catholic elementary school with the firm understanding that I was a bad child, a disorganized child, an underachiever, a dork, a fat girl, an ugly girl, a pig, a loser.

During college I think I wavered between feeling like a very ugly duckling indeed and a swan, but probably mostly an ugly duckling. College, on some level, felt a lot like elementary school in terms of feeling left out, alone, disliked, etc. I think I was the only girl ever to be rejected from both sororities at my school (our college was 80% male, and I had desperately wanted to pledge a sorority to make some girlfriends). I felt left behind in so many ways, and often felt completely invisible. My junior & senior years I developed some sense of self esteem again, but not enough to lift me out of my rut of being an ugly ducky.

So here I am. I'm an ugly duckling once more, and I hate it. I've made committments to myself before, that I will always wear makeup to work, that I will replace my sloppy wardrobe with things Stacy & Clinton would approve of, that I will work hard to get to a weight where I can look good in clothes...and I've never stuck with them.

Part of it is that I don't think I really believe that there is a swan under all of this. That I am ugly not just outside but inside as well. That I am a weak, pathetic person, self-absorbed and gluttonous, and that I can never become beautiful because I don't deserve to be beautiful. And that it just shows how horrible I am that I so desperately wish that I was.

I know that sounds really and truly screwed up...it really is. And I'm starting to realize that there have been influences in my life that made me feel this way about myself, and that it's not my fault that I was sloppy & bedraggled as a child, and that I have to teach myself to take care of myself the way a parent would teach a child to take care of themselves, because no one really taught me.

And it's not evil to want to be a beautiful swan. It's not my only goal in life. And I do not just mean that I want to look good. I want to be a better person. I want to accomplish more things, learn more things, do things to make the world better. I want to live outside of my head for a change. Be a part of the world instead of what feels like an invisible observer.

Weigh in Friday

Let me recap my week. Friday-Sunday I was pretty much totally off program entirely. I don't know what I ate, and I honestly don't even want to try & remember, because it was probably *that* bad. Sunday at some point I felt disgusted with myself and did the WATP 2-mile without weights. Then I decided to get my shit together and come clean on the WW message board of which I am a regular (ok, an addict).

So, I made a plan, that I would post my meals every single day whether I was OP or not...that I would exercise at least 30 min a day / 4x a week, and that I would strive to lose a total of 6 lbs in November (meaning that I would go from 258 -> 252). On Monday, like I promised, I got right back OP, and despite bumps in the road, I stayed OP all week. Until last night when, most likely due to an extreme lack of protein in my meals, I was slammed with a case of the ohmygodIamstarvingandmusteatrightnow after dinner, and had a bagel (whole wheat with light margarine & apple butter) and then some vanilla ice cream with Hershey syrup. I counted the points afterwards, and basically I went 10 points over my WPAs for the week.

So this morning, I weigh in, at home, and lo & behold I'm up a pound. I had also stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and was also up a pound. The same pound. I mean both times I went from 258 -> 259.

Now, I acknowledge that I went off plan, but this week was about a million times better than all of my prior weeks, and I feel like I at least deserved to stay the same if not lose a pound. So I'm a little pissed off. But I swear to all that is holy that I'm going to lose that pound AND THEN SOME, come hell or high water, by next Friday.

And I will eat protein with every meal to prevent ohmygodIamstarvinandmusteatrightnow moments.

Avoidance

I've been seriously avoiding dealing with things for the past 3 or so months. I guess I can blame the stress of the wedding, but really that was just an excuse to blow off responsibility in general. I felt myself getting very overwhelmed - piles of mail were coming in, the apartment was a disasterous mess, my weight was getting out of control, my finances were screwed up, I had gotten into a minor but annoying car accident right before the wedding, and ugh...just too much stuff. Dealing with severe depression, just getting out of bed was hard enough, so I pretty much decided to take care of myself and ignore everything else.

So...now I'm trying to get my shit together again. This involves salvaging my finances by going on a severe money diet and sifting through 4 large grocery bags full of papers to find unpaid bills, etc. This involves figuring out what I still need to do to put the car accident issue to bed (I guess I ignored it beyond contacting my insurance company because it was totally not my fault and there was minimal damage). This involves cleaning and organizing things that have been a wreck for ages. This involves finally sitting down and writing out the thank you cards I need to write for the wedding (that I feel guilty about putting off for so long). This involves figuring out where I'm at and where I want to be.

I'm also not avoiding my weight anymore either. Or exercise or realizing that every food choice I make is an opportunity. Life is so much easier if instead of avoiding things you just tackle them and move on, unburdened. I hate how depression makes avoidance so appealing. It just sets you up to sink deeper and deeper because if you didn't have the energy to deal with one day's worth of mail, then how are you going to find the energy to deal with three months' worth of mail?

I guess on some level my depression is actually improving, since I have found the drive to tackle some things. Although in the past I do acknowledge that I've revved myself up for a short time, only to burn out and go back to being miserable and lazy a few weeks later. I hate my track record. I hate that I have no faith in the fact that things can change for good.

Mastectomy Bill

(This is copied from an e-mail - I normally hate petition forwards, but this one seems legit, and an issue I think is important. Snopes verified that this e-mail is true, but also notes that the best course of action is to contact your state representative directly. Why not do both?)

If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards. Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

You can read more about this & sign the online petition here:
http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/petition/signpetition.php

If you don't know how to contact your Congressional representative, you can look up their info at the link below:
http://www.house.gov/writerep/

Jen-ga!

I've had 2 good, OP days and I'm starting to feel high on WW, which I actually do not like. I tried to dig at some feelings to see what's going on inside, to work on some of the emotional stuff I've been working on, and it's not there right now. There isn't much there except for this hyperactive drive to count points and do well and stay OP. It's like a game. A game I know I'm going to eventually lose. It's kind of like Jenga...you know the tower is going to topple, but you just want to see how long you can push it.

This is not Jenga and I do not want to put myself in a position to topple! In a way, I almost have to give myself permission to make mistakes down the road and to acknowledge right now that going off program for one meal isn't going to topple my tower, it's just going to set me back one meal.

As is my mantra: it's not about perfection - it's about persistence.

Stop rushing, Shrinky. Stop pushing. Do what you have to do & have a frigging life! This is the only way I am going to really lose weight - if I can do WW and have a life at the same time. If I can go about this in a relaxed, non-psychotic, non-rabid way. It is so easy to become obsessive! And no, I don't think being totally obsessive is ok. I think it's good for health to be an important part of any person's life, but I think it's sick for it to be the only thing going on. And because I feel so empty so often...it's just so easy for something to take up all of my thoughts and energy. And that's not good.

What happened to NaNoWriMo? I stopped. I stopped after 3 days. But it's not too late to pick up where I left off and keep going. I just feel so empty now that I am back on the WW wagon...I mean I could change my novel to be about a crazy girl who dreams about Points and exercise DVDs and snack foods with low fat & high fiber...that's how screwed up I feel. This is why I took a hiatus. The hiatus where I gained 32 lbs.

I'd ask "Why Can't I Just Be Normal?!" but I can be normal. There has to be a middle ground between being OP & being a nutcase. All I have to do is figure out how to get there.

Monday & Tuesday Food

Just for posterity's sake...daily target points are 30.

Monday Nov 6

N: 4 slices low carb bread (2), 2 tbsp Better-than-PB (2), 2 tbsp Jelly (2), Apple Juice (4) = 10 (20)
B: 2 packets lower sugar oatmeal (4), coffee (2) = 6 (14)
L: Lean Cuisine Fettucine Alfredo (6) = 6 (8)
S: Popcorn (2), Orange (1) = 3 (5)
D: Brown Rice (4), Corn (1), Black Beans (1), Salsa (0), Light Cheese (2), Onions (0), Olive Oil (1) = 9 (-4)
S: 2 slices low carb bread (1), w/ light margarine (1) & apple butter (1) = -7
E: 1 mile WATP (+1 AP) and 30 minute walk (+1 AP) = +2 APs (-5)

... 5 WPAs used, 15 left over

Tuesday Nov 7

N: 1 slice low carb bread w/ bettern pb & jam (3) = 3 (27)
B: 2 slices low carb bread (1) w/ goat cheese (2) and avocado (2), coffee w milk (1) = 6 (21)
S: Apple (1), Cottage Cheese (2) = 3 (18)
S: Kashi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Cookie (2) = 2 (16)
L: Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup (3.5), Hummus (1), Triscuits (2) = 6.5 (9.5)
S: Cocoa Via Chocolate Bar (2) = 2 (7.5)
S: Kashi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Cookie (2) = 2 (5.5)
D: Creamy Tomato Soup (4), Grilled Cheese (6) = 10 (-4.5)
E: 30 min elliptical trainer = +2 APs (-2.5)

... 2.5 WPAs used, 12.5 left over

Kashi TLC Cookies

At Target today I found something new in the food aisles ... Kashi TLC chewy cookies. They looked pretty wholesome and are only 2 points a piece, so I grabbed a box, and I'm pretty glad I did. They are not too sweet, very grainy, a nice size, and pretty filling for a cookie. If you can stick with a single decent sized cookie, they would make a good snack and add some fiber to your diet. I tried the Oatmeal Dark Chocolate and they'll make a good alternative to drooling over the Soft Batch cookies in the vending machine at work.

Rumble Rumble

My tummy is rumbling like crazy! Hungry hungry, I'm trying to take Lele's advice and have some more frequent low point snacks throughout the day. I'm having an apple & some cottage cheese to last me through lunch. Before I eat lunch I want to run to Target to get some socks, cat litter & birthday presents for my nephew. What an exciting trip!

Thankfully Blogger saved my sidebar stuff from a previous layout so I was able to salvage the bones of this blog. I don't really feel like switching things over to the new site just yet. I just want to focus on writing and trying to really explore my weight issues, etc, and not worry about tweaking templates or whatever.

I keep thinking about yesterday and feeling so proud. Not just because I was OP, but also because it wasn't a huuuuge struggle like it sometimes feels like. Dinner was very filling, so when it came time for my planned dessert, and my husband was eating a bowl of ice cream *and* hot chocolate, I was totally fine with my light toast w/ apple butter and herbal tea. I was more fixated on spending time cuddling with him & the kitties and watching Heroes than with my stomach, for a change, which is kind of amazing for me.

I don't have Heroes to look forward to tonight, but K just bought Guitar Hero 2 so that should keep us plenty occupied. I think for dinner I am going to make a veggie omelette / scramble, so that should be filling and satisfying like last night's dinner as well. Mmm...dinner is going to be awesome...I wish I was having an omelette for lunch!

Salvaged Day

Note: I broke my blog so all of my links & buttons & customizations are gone. I'm in the process of moving my blog over to a new system & URL, so I'm just going to keep it broken until then.

-----------------------------------

Anyway, I wanted to write before I go to bed, because I am proud of today. Today started off terrible. I had trouble sleeping last night due to my evil cough. I woke up at 3 am and then 4 am, and had 2 sandwiches from low carb whole wheat bread, better'n peanut butter & jam. Already I blew 10 points before breakfast! When I woke up, I was groggy and just grabbed a couple packets of instant oatmeal before heading out to work.

However, when I got to work, I decided to regroup, let my buddies talk some sense back into me, and I realized that all was not lost. The day was young. So, I made a plan for the rest of the day, went for a walk outside at lunchtime, stuck to my mealplan, and did the 1-mile WATP after dinner too. I wound up using 5 WPAs today, which is not bad, considering that I chose to count those late night / early morning PB&J's, which a more sneaky Shrinky of the past might have chosen to ignore.

Being able to do this, to stay accountable, to get myself back on track, to not throw in the towel - it gives me a boost of confidence. I have a little more faith in myself. Let's see if I can repeat this tomorrow!

I've set some goals for the month, with small rewards for each of them. The older Shrinky might have also decided that I couldn't set goals 5 days into the month, but that's pretty stupid.

1. I will lose a total of 6 lbs by Nov 30, so that I weigh at most 252 lbs.
2. I will log everything I eat whether I am OP or not. I'm posting it at BCB to stay accountable.
3. I will exercise 30 min / 4x a week for the rest of the month. The type of exercise for this month is whatever I feel like.

What do you think? Reasonable? I think I can do it.

Oops.

Well, I screwed up my blog tremendously by trying to apply someone's pre-made template to it. That settles it, I'm going to have to design my own at home. On that note, I might as well move things to shrinky.net and transfer everything to WordPress instead of Blogger.

Peanut Butter

I can't have real peanut butter in the house because it's a binge trigger for me - I have been known to eat it straight from the jar, and needless to say the Points add up fast when I do that. Thus, I don't buy it. Ever.

However, Hungry Girl had mentioned a product called Better'n Peanut Butter on her site, which is only 2 points per 2 tablespoons (less than half of regular PB). I figured that I would give it a shot, and I'm so glad that I did!

The good news is that when eaten plain, from the jar, it tastes like crap! But, when put on bread with some jam or whatever, it tastes good! It's like magic! So it's binge-free peanut butter and that makes me happy. Supposedly you can find it at Trader Joe's, but I had no problem finding it in the "health food" section of my regular supermarket.

Just Thoughts

Well, on a whim I registered shrinky.net ... I used to own shrinky.org way back when, but some linkfarm bought it when I deliberately let it expire. I'm wondering if I was hasty in registering a domain again. Part of the beauty of having this blogspot blog is that it's so easy. It's not about funky layouts or extra content or whatever, it's just about me keeping a journal of my thoughts & feelings. That might just be what I need right now. I used to be really into buying domains and starting websites and all that stuff, but I kind of left that behind when I graduated college and got a real job. The fun sort of leaked out of it.

What is fun for me now? I guess really my only hobbies are reading & video games. I don't even read all that much, usually I just park my tush in front of the computer and waste hours talking to friends on IM, checking e-mail, checking Flickr, Livejournal, MySpace, Metafilter, the news...etc...and then I'll log in and play Puzzle Pirates or find something else to amuse myself and waste my time. No wonder I never get anything done.

At least when I'm reading I feel like I'm actively relaxing. It's soothing and calming, it's just me and whatever it is I'm reading. Sometimes I get the urge to munch while reading, but often it's enough to just curl up someplace comfy with a cat (or two) and my book.

I want to get into writing. I want to finish NaNoWriMo for once...but I find myself losing steam, hating what I've written, thinking that I write for shit. Nevermind that it's not the point, and no one even ever has to read my novel. The point is just to finish it! Ok...yeah...I really think I'm going to do some more work on that. Like, now.

Today I experienced the withdrawal effects of the antidepressant Effexor. It was pure hell, and I only skipped one dose. I decided to go ahead & take it, and call my doctor tomorrow to have her call in some refills to the local pharmacy. It scares me that when I do stop taking Effexor for good that it will be like this for longer than a single day. Now I know what people were talking about. I guess I never really took it seriously....I know that most SSRI and related antidepressants have withdrawal symptoms and that most people say Effexor is the worst. I had no problem skipping doses of Celexa when I was on that, but Effexor really made me feel like total shit today. It concerns me, because I was planning on talking to my doctor about trying something else...I honestly don't feel like Effexor has done much for me, despite the hype of it being able to help even the most severe depression. I think I felt better on Celexa.

Anyway I am going to go write a bit for NaNoWriMo and then get my butt to bed bright & early. I made a meal & exercise plan for tomorrow, and I also made a promise that I would journal here everyday, so I'll be back.

Crappy Attitude

I have a crappy attitude. And a migraine. I desperately need some exercise. I am charging my iPod and setting up a new playlist so that at lunchtime (it's supposed to be sunny), I can go for a walk outside.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sucking at WW because it's too flexible. It's too easy for me to make a plan and then scrap it because, well, technically I didn't have to follow my original plan to technically be OP. And then I get more & more lax until I'm totally the opposite of OP. I don't really like being strict, but my moods change so wildly that maybe too much freedom isn't a good thing. Like maybe I need someone to tell me what exercise to do & how often, etc. I don't know.

Shrinky's Shrink

Tonight I have an appointment with my therapist who is probably going to eventually be my ex-therapist when I grow the balls to find someone better. I don't know what it is about her, but I find her really unhelpful. The past few months she was completely fixated on my wedding, as though that alone was the source of all of my problems. Nevermind that I have been screwed up, depressed, and anxious my whole life. Nevermind that I didn't really want the fluffy big wedding in the first place, and I resented having to talk about it all the time.

I know she's going to want to rehash and I don't want to, and I don't know if I will be able to tell her that I don't want to talk about it. I know it's hard to accept when I say that everything went "fine" because a wedding should be this momentous fantastic event, but getting married was the momentous fantastic event, the wedding was just a tremendous waste of money and time and energy. Everyone gets pissed when I say this, but I was a fat bride, I hated how I looked, I hate the pictures, and I just want to get on with my real life.

This therapist is the one who urged and urged me to forget about weight loss, forget about dieting, forget about all of it, and just accept myself for who I am. I tried that and gained 32 pounds. And you know what? I can't just accept myself the way I am. I cannot accept being >100 lbs overweight. I can't accept being a bloated marshmallow! I just fucking can't! I mean I accept it as in I believe it, but I'm not going to sit here and say "this is a-ok!" because it's not. It is not ok to be this overweight and just sit there and be happy about it. It's not good for my emotional state, and it's sure as hell not good for my physical state.

So I would like to bring that up to her, that my body issues are not only back, but they are worse than ever. That I want to get my shit together once and for all. That of all the antidepressants I've been on, none of them have made a remarkable difference. That I am not feeling better, and that I don't feel this talk therapy has been helpful. That I think there are bigger issues than what is going on in my present life, and that the way I am now is just a magnified version of the child Shrinky, the pudgy, bingeing, shy, scared, tired, disorganized little girl. And that that is what I want to get rid of, and that that must be the key to getting better.

I mean, maybe this isn't even depression. I don't know, I'm not a therapist. All I know is that I feel like shit. And as I have mentioned to my doctors, I have even felt borderline suicidal at times (and not recently and not very seriously so please do not freak out over this). But I feel like at the root of it, it's because I am out of control. There is no event that is making me depressed. There is no one thing that makes me sad. I just don't have my shit together. I never have, but at least I had parents & teachers to sort of push me along. Now I am supposed to be a responsible adult, but my shit is so far from together that I can't even tell you what I'd have to do to get things back together again. I'm miserable! I can't live like this!

Maybe a therapist isn't what I need. Maybe I need a life coach or a fucking surrogate mommy to tell me to do the dishes until I start doing it by habit.

I want to live in a clean, organized home.
I want to have a healthy, reasonably fit body.
I want to work on my writing & read a lot.
I want my finances to get & stay ok.
I just want things to be perfect!

I know it's unreasonable to want things to be perfect. But isn't it reasonable to want to have my finances together, my apartment reasonably tidy, to not be morbidly obese, ... ugh. I know when I say this, she's just going to tell me that it's ok for things not to be perfect. But it's not ok. I want things the way I want them. I just need the energy to do it.

Feeling better...

Ok, so I did the most important things...

+ Ate my planned dinner
+ Drank lots of water
+ Did 2 mile WATP video
+ Worked a little on my novel

But I slacked on these things...

- Cleaning the computer area
- Cleaning my bedroom

The evening isn't over yet, so I plan to...

+ Take a nice hot shower
+ Have an apple & some tea
+ NaNoWriMo on the laptop
+ Get to bed before midnight
+ Set my alarm early enough to get crockpot stuff cooking before I leave for work

Disappointed

I haven't been OP for a few days, and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for that. At first, it was because we didn't have any groceries and I didn't have any money for groceries, and on top of the logistics, I was kind of depressed while waiting for payday, so I just ate crap that we had. Then I was just feeling depressed, so I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted.

The laziness though I think is what's killing me. I feel like my organs are turning into full-fat cottage cheese inside my gut from sheer sloth. I want to join a gym, but I don't have the money right now. Is that an excuse to be lazy? Fuck no, I have an elliptical machine, which may be a piece of crap, but it works. I also have WATP videos that I know are a good workout for me, a good yoga video, and Comcast On Demand now has even more fitness options. And I could also be walking.

I'm so cranky and irritable and bored and depressed - exercise will help that, I know that. So, I am getting right back OP now, and I'm going to exercise tonight. Since I am, in fact, cranky, and I have stuff that I want to do tonight (NaNoWriMo, cleaning up my computer area, getting to bed at a reasonable time, straightening up the bedroom), here is my plan:

- Stop @ Subway on my way home to pick up dinner for me & K. I will get a 6" turkey & veggie sub (5 points) with light mayo (+2 points).
- After dinner, I will pop in the WATP 2 mile video and move the booty.
- I will take a nice, hot shower & get into my jammies (aka my novelist uniform).
- I will proceed to straighten my desk area out a bit, and settle down with a sliced apple and cup of herbal tea to work on reaching my 2,500 word goal for the day.
- I will at some point spend at least 15 minutes straightening up the bedroom.

I can do this. Lately I feel like I set goals and blow them off as fast as I set them. Why? I don't really know. I just feel so cranky and bored with everything, and apathetic about things. Even when I know I will feel better getting something done, I'm still likely to blow off most of the things on my to do list, unless they are life or death. I think it only helps to keep me in a state of crabbiness, and adds to my stress.

I'll check in before bed to let you know how I did. If it's after midnight EST and I haven't posted...yell at my lazy ass! Thanks!