I never finish anyth

This t-shirt sums up one of the things about myself that I really, really want to change. One of my worst traits is that I start things and give up very easily. It doesn't take much to knock the wind out of my sails, most of the time, and when the going gets tough, Shrinky gives up. Do I want to be a quitter? A giver upper? No. It's the only surefire way to never reach any of my goals in life, to never actualize any of my dreams. And believe me, this applies not only to weight loss, but to...well...tons of things.

Even when I was younger, in high school or college, I'd take a class and start out with high hopes and big dreams. I was going to be organized and diligent and do everything right! I'd make up this grand plan, and sit down for a couple nights and study and do my homework and go to class on time, etc. But then it would get boring or tiresome or hard, and I wouldn't want to deal with it anymore. So then I'd start slacking off. And I could do this. I could get by doing the bare minimum of effort needed to get by. Hell, I got my degree, didn't I? But I did so by the skin of my teeth. I really pushed the envelope to only get as much as I needed by doing the bare minimum necessary.

I remember as a smaller child on the first day of spring setting out to start a nature journal. I would go outside and look at all the signs of spring popping up, from buds on trees to crocuses, and write the date and draw a little picture in my nature journal. I think this lasted two days before I realized how much easier it was to sit on my ass and watch cartoons.

Is this not exactly what I have been doing with dieting? I start, I do well for a little while, but then it just gets so tiresome to work so hard for such minimal result, and it feels so good to just let loose and ignore my weight and ignore points and calories, and it feels so good to just laze after work instead of exercising...that I just give in to what's easier.

Of course, giving up on these things feels good immediately, because you can relax and the pressure is gone. There is the immediate gratification of getting to watch tv instead of studying, or getting to eat 2 ginormous slices of chocolate cake instead of a dinky pudding cup. There is the freedom and relaxation that comes with giving up. But then it comes back. It comes back slowly, and not always in a very direct sort of way.

Grades start dropping a little. The teacher calls on you and you can't answer because you didn't bother reading the assignment. Your pants get a little tight. It gets a little harder to walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. But overall the consequences are so slow and so sneaky that it doesn't always seem urgent to get back on track. Because even with tight pants and a little classroom embarrassment - cake still tastes awesome and tv is still fun to watch.

In my history, it seems getting back to square one or worse to get me to start over. With school, I've always gotten decent grades by means of all-nighters and cramming at the very end. I've learned to manipulate and work the entire system - the system of my body (Red Bull and salty snacks for energy) as well as the academic system - to get the results I want. You can't do this with most things though. I can't do this with the things that really matter to me.

Ummm...where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I want to start finishing things that I set out to do. So far, I have been updating this blog somewhat religiously, and have been journalling my food and exercising like a good little WW-er.

On November 1 I eagerly started NaNoWriMo only to pretty much stop 3 days later. Last night I started again, and plan to continue on all weekend to see if I can catch up. Every other year I have quit by the third day and let my partially written manuscript rot in My Documents folder.

Since I can't really tell you how long it will take me to lose the weight I want to lose, I am using NaNoWriMo as a way of proving to myself that I can reach goals I set for myself. I have to do this!