One Day at a Time

Today I am staying OP. I am having Thai food for lunch, so I made what I think is a good choice (Tofu & Veggie Pad Thai) and I am going to watch my portion size. I can do this!

What I Deserve...

I deserve:

• To look and feel my best on my wedding day.
• To feel as confident as possible in a bathing suit in Aruba.
• To be proud that I have taken the best possible care of myself.
• To feel strong and confident because I am in good shape.
• To be free from addictions to food and overeating.
• To feel beautiful regardless of my current weight.
• To limit my risk of disease by losing weight safely.
• To keep going, no matter what.
• To shop at any store I please for clothes.
• A lot more than I have previously given myself.
  

Feeling the burn

I almost blew off going to the gym today. Almost. I was really close. But I didn't. I went and I did my full workout.

And you know what? It was amazing. Somehow I had this second wind, after being exhausted and dragging all day, and it was one of my best workouts yet. The weights that were almost too heavy to complete a set with on Friday were perfect today.

I'm so glad I went to the gym today! Then again, I've never really regretted completing a workout.

Tomorrow I'm going home after work, and will be doing my second yoga workout. Then I may try meditating for awhile.

Ouch, Hamstrings

My hamstrings are sore after my 45 min yoga workout yesterday.

Which makes me wonder why they're called "hamstrings". I don't like it. It's as if our legs are made of ham. Not a pleasant image.

I did it!

I did it - it's bedtime and I made it through today Perfectly OP. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous that I couldn't do it. But I just let myself go about my business and have a relaxing Sunday, tried not to focus on food too much, and when it was dinnertime I made the most fabulous broccoli pizza I've ever had, and had caramel apple popcorn for dessert. I forgot how filling popcorn is. I mean, really, really filling.

The trick to making pizza, I just discovered, is to put a tsp of olive oil on the crust, then sprinkle it with garlic powder and oregano. Top this with 1/4 cup of sauce, followed by 1 tbsp of parmesan. Then put the chopped broccoli (or other cooked veggies) and sprinkle with another tbsp of parmesan and 1/3 cup lowfat shredded cheese. It's perfect, not too saucy, just enough cheesy, and the broccoli is wonderful with the parmesan and mozzarella on top. Mmmm.

OP Sunday

I admit it - yesterday was the last day of my WW "week", and I went over my points - I had 2 WPAs left and my daily target of 30 points, and I blasted through them before the afternoon was up. Shortly after this screw up, I posted about it at BCB and made a plan for the rest of the day. I had long-standing plans to go out to a Japanese restaurant with friends, and I knew that skipping dinner would only make it harder for me to stay OP and easier for me to get frustrated and throw in the towel. So I decided to eat my planned dinner, no more, no less, and with a suggestion from my buddies at BCB, I did a workout video to get a few APs.

I have been struggling lately. Part of it is that I do feel hungry a lot - I'm not used to eating less. But I think a lot of it is mental. Yesterday I started snacking like crazy because I was tired / moody / not feeling great. Weekends tend to be the hardest for me. So today I challenged myself to stay perfectly OP.

I made a plan last night before bed, for what I would do today. I planned breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack, as well as a workout. It turned out that I overslept and that bread that I had incorporated into my plan had gone stale. No problem. I changed breakfast to brunch, used a tortilla to wrap my eggs instead of some toast, and had some juice. For lunch, I pared down my plan to more of a snack (a salad with light dressing and an apple). Since it's a Sunday night and I'm home on my own, I have planned to make an individual mini-pizza with a store bought crust, lowfat cheese, sauce, and olive oil, and some broccoli. Afterwards I'm going to watch a movie, and make some 94% fat free popcorn as my snack.

So far, I am doing great! I admit, I'm a little hungry and I've been fighting the desire to poke through the cabinets. But I am not starving, and I feel pretty good and in control. Good things!

First Weigh In

I weighed in at home this week, because I'm switching to Saturday meetings (and this Saturday is part of the same "WW" week as last Sunday when I went). I'm down 4.1 lbs! Granted, this could be because of a discrepancy between my home scale and the WW scale, but I did weigh myself at home during the week, so I am definitely down something.

I know that a large part of it is just the fact that it's my first week back - you always lose a lot your first week. In a perfect world, I would like to lose between 1-2 lbs a week consistently, but all I can really do is keep following the program and accept whatever losses I get.

Tonight we are going out with some friends for Japanese food. I'm budgeting quite a number of today's points for hibachi and sushi, and I'm going to try to get a WATP (Walk Away the Pounds) workout in for some APs. I've decided that even though I will weigh in on Saturdays, my new WW week with fresh flex points will start on Sundays - this should prevent binging that I used to do because "I have all those flex points".

Wonderful Quote

"Losing weight will change one condition: the size of your body. Making your life more like you want it is up to you." - Victoria Moran Fit from Within

Panicky

I feel panicky right now...which makes me feel sort of pathetic.

Let me start off by saying that I'm doing great this week. Here's why:

• I started going to the gym again and logging my workouts.
• I started taking multi-vitamins and a B-complex daily.
• I've been writing down everything I eat, and counting indulgences out of my flex points.
• When I have had an unplanned snack, I count it and move on.
• I've been eating lots of fruit & have been working on veggies too.
• I've stopped putting sugar in my coffee & tea.
• I'm drinking a lot of water, both at work and at home.
• I am not falling into the temptation to participate in challenges or competitions.
• I'm still within my designated points, and have 12 flex points left to use thru Saturday.

So why am I panicky feeling?

• I'm hungry. I'm really truly hungry. I have an apple and a yogurt but I feel like even if I eat them I will still be hungry.
• I stepped on the scale this morning (why, I don't know) and it does not show a loss.
  
• Because of the "test" WW program I am on thru my local WW center, my daily points target is higher than normal. I'm wondering if this is a bad thing for my weight loss.
• I'm sore! I'm very very sore. When are my muscles going to feel better?
• I'm tired - going to the gym after work and then cooking takes up a lot of time. I need to get into a better routine.
• I haven't been getting enough sleep.
• I've failed before and I wonder how long I can hang on if I feel like I'm struggling now.

Most of it is that I'm hungry - why can't I stop thinking about food? It's seriously all I want to think about and talk about and daydream about.

This is why I need to bring myself back. Remember, one day at a time. This is not a race. Even if I do not lose a tremendous amount this week, I have controlled myself and stayed OP and started a bunch of healthy routines. The number on the scale means nothing - building healthy habits means everything.

I just need to hang on for today. That's all. And I know that I can do that.

Hmmm how many points?

I guess once you own a cat or two, their fur starts to trail you around no matter where you go. Case in point, I got my coffee at work. I'm drinking my coffee at work. My cats did not come to work. How did my cat's fur wind up in my coffee?

I'm confident that it is my cat's fur and not like a human's hair or someone else's cat's fur. I can just tell.

I'm scared to think about how much cat fur the typical cat owner inadvertantly consumes in their lifetime.

Blegggghhhh...!

I feel sort of like ass today. I'm really sore, both my upper & lower body. I'm really tired, probably both from lack of sleep & from adjusting to pushing my body further than it's used to. And I've been feeling perpetually hungry. Ravenously hungry. Even though I'm eating all my points (and it's a lot of points!) and even some flex points, my tummy is grumbly all day.

"Feed me peanut butter and bagels!" it yells.
So I feed it some fruit & yogurt & maybe a lowfat cereal bar.
"That is just not good enough, stupid!" it complains back.
So I have another cereal bar.
"Rrrr...you suck...can't you see I'm starving here?"
Until I break down and get something I really wish I hadn't, like the Reese's cups I had yesterday.

Although I do have to say I am proud that I don't consider the Reese's cups a failure. I just calculated the points (5) and used flex points to accomodate them.

I really need less sweets, more protein. This morning for breakfast I had an egg & a slice of lowfat cheese on a light english muffin, and a banana. Then when I got to work I had a glass of milk. Right now, at least, I'm not starving. So that's something.

Reminder to Self

All I have to do is stay OP (On Program) for today. I can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time.

I find it really scary when I think about the "future". Will I really be able to lose all this weight? Will I ever see goal? Will I fail like I have before? It's scary to think about failing again. But maybe it's also a little scary to picture myself at my goal. I have never been as thin (as an adult) as I am planning to be. My goal weight is approx 140-145. Even as a teenager at my fittest I was in the 150's. Chubby but not really fat. It's scary to go where no Shrinky has gone before.

But I think it's more scary to spend another year wondering what life would be if I hadn't gone off the program, if I hadn't gone hog-wild with eating over the holidays, if I hadn't skipped the gym for two straight months. It's scary to think about never getting to shop at regular stores, to feel confident in a bathing suit, to feel comfortable on a rollercoaster or airplane seat (though, really, are skinny people comfortable in airplane seats? I'm starting to wonder.). It's scary to think about never having experienced life as a 20-something at a weight I could be happy with.

I've already wasted my teens and the first half of my twenties with being overweight and obsessed and unhappy with it. Sad, but true. My teens I wasn't even that overweight, but in my adolescent mind I was an unacceptable human being. Right now, in my twenties, I know I am extremely overweight, obese even, and again I feel like an unacceptable human being.

But I am an acceptable human being, I'm a wonderful human being, a smart, funny, and even beautiful human being. And I deserve to experience being thin and healthy. And to not hate myself or beat myself up or throw in the towel.

Soreness & Burritos

Oh, I woke up sore this morning! My neck & shoulders especially. Probably my body rebelling against the sudden plunge into exercise. Oh well, body, shut up. Today is lower body strength training. The leg press always leaves me a little sore, but good sore.

I feel sort of weird though. A combination of sore and tired - it's like it's hard to move, as though I was wading through molasses. I will have to take a hot bath tonight to relax my muscles before bed.

As far as WW - things are going just peachy. I didn't feel like making General Tsao's chicken last night, so I made chicken burritos out of chicken breast strips, brown rice, fat free refried beans, lowfat cheese, salsa, and fat free tortillas. So very good, except for the chicken. Tyson's frozen chicken breast strips are pretty gross. They taste like Boca Burgers. You know, non-meat. But they're (at least, they're supposed to be) chicken.

Next time I'm just going to take an extra 5 minutes to slice up a real chicken breast and cook it so it doesn't taste so funny. So much for convenience. A lot of pre-cooked poultry tastes funny and kind of gross to me. You would think I would learn my lesson and stop buying it. But no - I see something new & convenient and decide that this time, I bet it will be good. It never is.

McGriddles on WW?

Yes, McGriddles on WW. A bacon, egg & cheese McGriddle has 11 points. I can totally work that into my plan at some point this week. And I'm going to, because I've been craving a McGriddle for weeks & weeks. Mmm.

Hey, it's a good source of protein. And syrup.

Woohoo! Full speed ahead!

Even though it's a Monday, and I really don't want to go to work, it's going to be a spectacular day!

Why?

• I remembered to charge my iPod
• I downloaded "Walk this Way" & "It's Tricky" by Run DMC
• My gym bag is packed & ready to go
• I made a great meal plan and have stuck with it so far
• I'm making WW General Tsao's chicken tonight
• I'm crazy excited to work out later!

I can do this! Woohoo!

First WW Meeting

I guess I picked the perfect time to re-join Weight Watchers meetings. I'm probably not supposed to say it, but I won't give away details...but my center is participating in a pilot WW program, and this was the first week. We're all getting new materials over the next 10 weeks. I'm glad I started on week one of the new program. I feel oh-so-special.

As far as my weigh-in, blegh, not good. This is my highest weight ever. I am not happy with it. But I know that with regular workouts and sticking to the WW plan, that this will change.

I have to plan some yummy but easy meals for the week and make a grocery list. But first I think I will crawl back into bed for a little bit. I woke up crazy early this morning and didn't get enough sleep.