Avoidance

I've been seriously avoiding dealing with things for the past 3 or so months. I guess I can blame the stress of the wedding, but really that was just an excuse to blow off responsibility in general. I felt myself getting very overwhelmed - piles of mail were coming in, the apartment was a disasterous mess, my weight was getting out of control, my finances were screwed up, I had gotten into a minor but annoying car accident right before the wedding, and ugh...just too much stuff. Dealing with severe depression, just getting out of bed was hard enough, so I pretty much decided to take care of myself and ignore everything else.

So...now I'm trying to get my shit together again. This involves salvaging my finances by going on a severe money diet and sifting through 4 large grocery bags full of papers to find unpaid bills, etc. This involves figuring out what I still need to do to put the car accident issue to bed (I guess I ignored it beyond contacting my insurance company because it was totally not my fault and there was minimal damage). This involves cleaning and organizing things that have been a wreck for ages. This involves finally sitting down and writing out the thank you cards I need to write for the wedding (that I feel guilty about putting off for so long). This involves figuring out where I'm at and where I want to be.

I'm also not avoiding my weight anymore either. Or exercise or realizing that every food choice I make is an opportunity. Life is so much easier if instead of avoiding things you just tackle them and move on, unburdened. I hate how depression makes avoidance so appealing. It just sets you up to sink deeper and deeper because if you didn't have the energy to deal with one day's worth of mail, then how are you going to find the energy to deal with three months' worth of mail?

I guess on some level my depression is actually improving, since I have found the drive to tackle some things. Although in the past I do acknowledge that I've revved myself up for a short time, only to burn out and go back to being miserable and lazy a few weeks later. I hate my track record. I hate that I have no faith in the fact that things can change for good.