Wedding Envy
I had been dealing with a very severe depression during my wedding planning. It wasn't because of the wedding, but some of the aspects of the wedding didn't help (i.e. I didn't have the wedding I wanted because I felt pushed into having a bigger fluffy wedding, and then everyone turned it around saying that I was the one who wanted the big wedding, which was not true). I was also depressed because my bridesmaids were all in NY/NJ while I was in MA so I didn't have anyone around to help me or chat with me or whatever. So, it wasn't the fun experience I wished it was.
Now one of my best friends is engaged and I'm one of her 2 honor attendants along with I think 3 other bridesmaids. And I think I'm being an asshole. And I need to get over it, because it's her wedding and it's not about me or my moods.
First off, she's mentioned that for her bachelorette party she wants to go to Miami or Vegas. I think this is ridiculous because for my bachelorette party, I got taken to this rinky dink murder mystery show in NYC. It was fun and we had a good time, but come on, murder mystery versus VEGAS? So I'm feeling catty about that. Because she expects something way better than I got, and yeah it's a little boneheaded of her to even suggest it, but whatever. I need to stop comparing what I got to what she will get.
I'm nervous because I think her other bridesmaids are all party girls who like to go clubbing and dancing ... and I don't. I mean I would if I wasn't nearly 260 lbs and shy and just awkward. The depression doesn't help. And these girls are all size 2. So I feel really nervous about all of the wedding stuff because I'm going to stick out (and in a bad way) and even if I lose weight by June, it's not going to be that much, maybe 36 pounds tops, and I'll still be well over 200 lbs.
But why am I worried or stressing about it? Who cares? It's not my wedding. I guess I'm jealous about some things. I'm jealous that she's skinny and is going to look great in any wedding gown she chooses. I'm jealous that she's planning her wedding at a time when she is feeling pretty good. I'm jealous that she's got people nearby to go shopping with and try things on with. She didn't even ask me if I could come down to NY/NJ to go bridesmaid dress shopping with the other girls. I guess I feel kind of hurt about that. But at the same time, I feel like a jerk for being hurt.
I don't even really want to be in her wedding the more I think about it, but she was in mine, and it's not that I don't want to be in her wedding because I don't love her to pieces. She's a little bit of an airhead, but that's not her fault, that's how she's always been. I guess I'm just sad about some things about my wedding and I'm playing the comparison game, like it's a competition or something.
I guess I really am sad about my wedding. I wanted a small backyard wedding but I couldn't get anyone to agree. Rather than stand my ground and find a way to make my dream wedding happen, I just went the easy route and had it in a hotel. And it was nice, sure, but it wasn't what I wanted at all. It wasn't me. And I have to live with that forever. And that kind of sucks. And I know it's just a party, just one day, and it's a day that technically went well, but it just makes me sad that I didn't have the wedding I wanted.
Now my friend is getting married, and my sister just got engaged...and I know they are going to get to learn from my experiences and they are going to get more help than I did. And their weddings are going to be much better than mine. And the bratty child in me is all pissed off about it. I know, I know, I need to get over it. I'm just sad. I'm angry at myself and my family and my husband all for pushing me towards the easy solution instead of the right solution. I'm angry at myself for falling into a severe depression and gaining extra weight and just being difficult and tired and apathetic throughout most of my engagement.
I guess I have the choice of being sad about a wedding that I didn't have and can't do anything about, or I can suck it up and be a good friend and a good sister and do my best to have fun at these weddings and celebrate and also try and look as good as I can in my bridesmaid dresses and try to kick back and stop being a brat and have fun.
Now one of my best friends is engaged and I'm one of her 2 honor attendants along with I think 3 other bridesmaids. And I think I'm being an asshole. And I need to get over it, because it's her wedding and it's not about me or my moods.
First off, she's mentioned that for her bachelorette party she wants to go to Miami or Vegas. I think this is ridiculous because for my bachelorette party, I got taken to this rinky dink murder mystery show in NYC. It was fun and we had a good time, but come on, murder mystery versus VEGAS? So I'm feeling catty about that. Because she expects something way better than I got, and yeah it's a little boneheaded of her to even suggest it, but whatever. I need to stop comparing what I got to what she will get.
I'm nervous because I think her other bridesmaids are all party girls who like to go clubbing and dancing ... and I don't. I mean I would if I wasn't nearly 260 lbs and shy and just awkward. The depression doesn't help. And these girls are all size 2. So I feel really nervous about all of the wedding stuff because I'm going to stick out (and in a bad way) and even if I lose weight by June, it's not going to be that much, maybe 36 pounds tops, and I'll still be well over 200 lbs.
But why am I worried or stressing about it? Who cares? It's not my wedding. I guess I'm jealous about some things. I'm jealous that she's skinny and is going to look great in any wedding gown she chooses. I'm jealous that she's planning her wedding at a time when she is feeling pretty good. I'm jealous that she's got people nearby to go shopping with and try things on with. She didn't even ask me if I could come down to NY/NJ to go bridesmaid dress shopping with the other girls. I guess I feel kind of hurt about that. But at the same time, I feel like a jerk for being hurt.
I don't even really want to be in her wedding the more I think about it, but she was in mine, and it's not that I don't want to be in her wedding because I don't love her to pieces. She's a little bit of an airhead, but that's not her fault, that's how she's always been. I guess I'm just sad about some things about my wedding and I'm playing the comparison game, like it's a competition or something.
I guess I really am sad about my wedding. I wanted a small backyard wedding but I couldn't get anyone to agree. Rather than stand my ground and find a way to make my dream wedding happen, I just went the easy route and had it in a hotel. And it was nice, sure, but it wasn't what I wanted at all. It wasn't me. And I have to live with that forever. And that kind of sucks. And I know it's just a party, just one day, and it's a day that technically went well, but it just makes me sad that I didn't have the wedding I wanted.
Now my friend is getting married, and my sister just got engaged...and I know they are going to get to learn from my experiences and they are going to get more help than I did. And their weddings are going to be much better than mine. And the bratty child in me is all pissed off about it. I know, I know, I need to get over it. I'm just sad. I'm angry at myself and my family and my husband all for pushing me towards the easy solution instead of the right solution. I'm angry at myself for falling into a severe depression and gaining extra weight and just being difficult and tired and apathetic throughout most of my engagement.
I guess I have the choice of being sad about a wedding that I didn't have and can't do anything about, or I can suck it up and be a good friend and a good sister and do my best to have fun at these weddings and celebrate and also try and look as good as I can in my bridesmaid dresses and try to kick back and stop being a brat and have fun.
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