Just an Update

First off, this is an interesting article from CNN about restaurant food: "Restaurants Promote 'Extreme Eating'"

Who'd have thought that broccoli & cheese pasta at Ruby Tuesday's would have more calories & fat than 2 steak dinners with 2 buttered baked potatoes and 2 caesar salads?

In other news, I had been in a slump but I picked myself back up again. I don't know why I struggle to stay OP so much. I guess part of it is that I've never really gotten over feeling like a failure for restarting & stopping so many times before. I feel like whenever I tell myself that I'm starting over, that I'm committed, that THIS time I am going to do it, that I'm ultimately just lying to myself.

Then there is the curse of the 3rd week. It seems that I can stay OP for 2 weeks. The first week is easy because I'm excited and giddy and motivated. The second week is hard, but I push myself. The third week I just stop caring and give up and eat whatever I want in whatever amounts, and fall off the wagon for awhile. There is no real reason for week 3 to be so hard. I am working with a buddy to stay focused and OP for all of 3 weeks just so we can prove to ourselves we can do it.

Other than that, right now I am in my first week and thus feeling pretty pumped. Yesterday was perfectly OP. Today I have a great & workable plan. I am going to try a couple of new recipes this week as well, to keep things interesting.

I just need to stay focused on what I've learned, about keeping sugary foods away and making sure I get enough protein to stay satisfied. I can do this.

Hello

I'm still here, I'm just feeling a little depressed. I admit I fell off the sugar wagon, but I'm back OP. I just feel so tired and worn out. I don't know why I make things so hard for myself. It should be so easy to stay OP. I've done it before, I know I can do it. Part of the problem seems to be that I coddle myself, and I let other people coddle me as well. If everyone, including myself, is going to let me get away with excusing the way I treat my body, then it just makes it easier for me to keep slipping.

Anyway, this is my plan for tomorrow. WW & Low Sugar.

Target is 33 points.

B: Egg (2), Toast (2), Light Butter (1), Coffee (1) = 8 (25)
S: Almonds (2), Orange (1) = 3 (22)
L: Lean Cuisine Pizza (6) = 6 (16)
S: Cottage Cheese (2), Strawberries (1)= 3 (13)
D: Crockpot Soup (8), French Roll (2), Greens w/ Salad Spritz (0) = 10 (3)
S: Cheerios (2), Milk (1), Banana (2) = 5 (-2)
E: WATP 2-mile (+2) = +2 (0)

Sugar Blues

I am craving right now. All I want are sweets and bready things. I do not want my cottage cheese and pear. I want a muffin or some cake. I have a headache and I'm tired and oh so cranky. I feel like a sweet snack would make me a sweet person right now. That it would make me feel better and that it would get rid of my headache. I suspect I feel kind of crappy because of sugar withdrawal, at least in part. That just makes it even more important not to cave.

I can do it. I just have to make it through another hour at work. Then I can go home and relax. I can take a nice bubble bath, watch a movie, cook something good for dinner. I was thinking of making some whole wheat pasta with spinach, zucchini, and chicken. This sounds good in theory, but imagining it makes my stomach turn. I just want some bread. Just some plain bread.

It's not good for me. I go through these phases (btw, I'm not pregnant!) where I just feel queasy at the thought of "real" food, and all I want to eat are bagels and muffins and egg sandwiches. Basically anything you could get at a Dunkin Donuts. These phases usually lead right into extreme overeating, bingeing, and depression. Eating crap is not a way to make me feel better. If I still feel terrible, I can have some unsweetened Cream of Wheat for dinner for blandness, I suppose. But I need some vegetables and protein.

I thought it was my B-complex vitamin that was making me feel queasy - I can taste it for hours after I take it and it grosses me out. But I skipped it today and I feel just as queasy as I did yesterday.

We'll see, I guess. I just need to make it through today. That's all.

More reflecting

Last week was mostly sugar-free ... I'm still doing a lot of reading and research and trying to pay attention to my body. There was a minor bump in the road this weekend and I spent a couple of days nursing a bad stomach with bland carby foods, some of which were very sugar laden. It was scary because I could feel the dramatic impact of sugar on how my body felt.

Last night I made the decision to get back on the wagon. I attended an OA meeting (online) and made a meal plan for today, which I am following to the letter, so far.

It's a little hard because there is sugar everywhere. Especially with Valentine's Day being today and Easter coming up next. Try going into a supermarket or drugstore and ignoring the candy. It's impossible, it's bright and colorful and attention-grabbing.

I've been doing a lot of reading about recovery from sugar/food addictions and it's a little overwhelming. There are tremendous amounts of conflicting information. Everything has to be taken with a grain of salt, to boot. From strict 3-meals a day to eating every 2-3 hours; from banning all sugar/flour/wheat to learning about your own personal sensitivities and triggers.

Another thing I find frustrating is that I have yet to find a really good, comprehensive online resource or community for sugar addicts. It surprises me that it doesn't seem like this exists. There are ones that support certain diets, but I'd want to read something more generic.

Let me know if you know of any resources I'm missing.

All the while I am still going to WW meetings. What can I say, I like the encouragement and the monitoring. I do think it's important to pay attention to the scale on some level, because the last time I decided to ignore the scale, I gained a lot of weight in a relatively short period of time.

But am I a Weight Watcher? What am I? I'm confused, that's what I am. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself, but that I still have a lot left to learn.

WI Friday

Today I went to my WW meeting, first thing in the morning before work, as I usually try to do. This past week, my emphasis has been on avoiding sugar, and trying to identify the difference between cravings and hunger and try to only eat due to the latter. I did not do a good job of watching portions and counting Points ... I didn't even really try to count points, I was just trying to get started on eliminating sugar from my diet.

So when I went to my WI this morning, I was thoroughly surprised and delighted to have been down 2.6 lbs!

Of course there are many possible reasons for this. Last week I was PMS-ing, so that could have caused me to be up last week, thus helping in my sharp drop this week. Also, I am sure there is a good calorie reduction when you start replacing whole grains, fresh fruit & low fat dairy for muffins and cookies.

Anyway ... I'm trying to not think ahead to next week too much. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing but with more of a focus on portion control. One minute, One hour, One day at a time. I am not going to eat refined sugar today. I can do it for today. The shadow of the thought of how I can do this indefinitely keeps sneaking into my mind. I need to push it aside and focus on today though. The future is too scary and unpredictable, and it just makes me doubt myself. I can't afford that doubt right now!

I'm thinking I might need to do a 1 or 2 week detox from all refined carbs as well. That seems like it would be tough, but possible, and maybe enlightening to see how I feel after doing that for a few days. I will think about that and try to cut down on the refined carbs a bit more this week. I find that I get the most refined carbs at lunchtime from eating Lean Cuisines. But I don't know any lunches that I like that would be equally easy for me to bring every day. For now they aren't a huge problem, so maybe I will just try to pick the ones that aren't as carb-based like the pizzas, paninis, and pastas (you know, the ones that I like the best). Hmmm...maybe that is the reason I like them best, after all.

At any rate, I am feeling good about my progress this week, and about how I have been eating. I have replaced a lot of empty calories with more nutritious snacks - mostly raw almonds, fresh fruit, lowfat cottage cheese, and whole grain, unsweetened cereals. And I have been drinking a lot of water as well. Obviously that's always a good thing.

I'm also trying to avoid fake sweeteners as well. I've read a few places that they still trigger the same cravings that sugar does, and I don't really think they are that great for you. It's hard because I've been in the habit of putting Splenda or Sweet'n'Low in my coffee, and ordering Diet Cokes in restaurants, but in the long run I think that it will be a lot better for me to avoid it when possible. I may try Stevia for my coffee, but I'm stupidly afraid to try it. Why? I don't know. I think I heard once that it tastes like licorice and that a lot of people don't really like it. But I suppose the only way to find out if I will like it is to buy a box and try it. One brand in the health food section of my supermarket carries packets of it, which would be perfect for coffee purposes.

Reflecting

So, as I mentioned, yesterday was a rough day for me, emotionally. I had a few bouts of tears throughout the day, including one in the afternoon at my desk at work, which I tried to hide as best I could. It was good that I had an appointment with my therapist after work, and on my way home from that appointment, one of my mom's favorite songs (and the song I always associate with her), "Walking on Sunshine" came on the radio. I started laughing and crying and thought maybe it was some kind of omen - maybe, maybe not. But on some level it made me feel like things would be ok.

One of the things that always troubles me when I think about myself and my mom is my weight issues and food issues. My mom struggled her whole life with the same things. I have a journal she kept from when she was in Overeaters Anonymous and I do see a lot of myself in what she wrote.

And at the same time - I feel so incredibly sad because I know my mom would have wanted this obsession to end with her. I know this sounds awful, but I feel guilty because I think she would be disappointed in me. Maybe not disappointed in ME, but disappointed that this trend continued into the next generation.

I am learning though ... I am starting to feel very sure that sugar is the problem right now, the problem with my feeling out of control with food. Yesterday I ate moderate meals and I was very careful to not eat sweets or foods with a high amount of sugar. I had 2 times when I had some serious cravings - after lunch (which was a Lean Cuisine pizza and was possibly too high in sugar and refined carbs) and after dinner (which was balanced and healthy but I had 2 glasses of red wine which are high in sugar). Both times I made healthier snack choices - water, almonds, cottage cheese, and a pear after lunch (over the course of the afternoon), and a small bowl of plain Cheerios with milk for "dessert".

I'm starting to try to get into cooking again as well. I made a big pot of turkey/veggie chili on Sunday, and we have a bunch of leftovers in the fridge & freezer. Last night I used a 2-serving box of a "pasta side" to make a full meal - I sauteed a cut up chicken breast with some garlic and onion and zucchini and mixed that in with the pasta stuff. It came out really good. Last night & this morning I prepped ingredients for tonight's dinner which is in the Crockpot as we speak. Basically it is boneless pork chops, sweet onions, apples, and potatoes. I'll zap a bag of Steamfresh veggies when I get home and dinner will be complete.

So, at the very least, yesterday I let myself feel what I needed to feel, but didn't drown my sorrows too much in food or booze (ok, 2 glasses of wine). Today I am working on staying moderate with food as well. I have planned out all my meals and thus far am doing well and feeling balanced. I have almonds, 2 pieces of fruit, and cottage cheese for snacks if I get hungry. I have a Lean Cuisine panini for lunch. And I don't even have to worry about dinner since it's already cooking.

I'd also really like to exercise tonight. I know that will help my energy levels and mood, but I've been so lax about working out. Since I don't have to cook dinner tonight though, I will make it a priority. 2-mile WATP here I come.

February Sucks

I feel bad that I know so many people with February birthdays, because I really, truly hate the month of February with a fervored passion. A large part is tomorrow...well, technically, today. My mom passed away 17 years ago today.

So very much has changed since then, and yet somehow there is a lot of the little girl I was in 1990 in me to this day. The scared, timid, shy, awkward, confused girl.

Anyway, so, I just generally feel depressed - more depressed than usual - during the month of February. Thank God it's such a short month. Spring still feels so far away at this point, but I need it so badly - for the air to smell alive again and for things to start turning green. It feels hard to be inspired to grow and change when the world itself is cold and bare.

Furthermore, I am pretty much totally off sugar ... and ugh, probably wine too ... so there isn't much for me to drown my sorrows in other than a warm bed. Grumble grumble grumble. I admit, I miss my fixes already.

Fresh New Day, Fresh New Week

I am glad I went to my meeting this morning, even though I knew I had gained before I even walked in the door. I had only gained .25 lbs, which is really nothing to cry too much about considering how awful my week had been after the weekend.

But I love my WW leader - I am so glad I switched to Friday morning meetings - and the group that attends. It feels like a good way to kick off a fresh WW week. Whether the last week was bad or good, it's a new start, a clean slate. The past doesn't matter. All that matters is the present.

One guy in my WW meeting has lost 120+ lbs. He said today that the way he keeps going is to treat every single day like a fresh start - that way if he has one day of struggling, he can put it behind him the very next day. A lot of people in the meeting, even the lifetimers (and there are several) mentioned that they sometimes have weeks where they are OP for 3 days and struggle for the other 4. That it happens to everyone now and then and that they just have to give themselves a fresh start when they can.

I guess it's obvious, but it's helpful to me to be reminded to forgive myself for not being perfect - and for sometimes being downright terrible dietwise - and to just move on, accept my current state, and do what I can TODAY and THIS WEEK to make it better than YESTERDAY or LAST WEEK.

I have several things I want to work on to make my habits better, so I'm going to list what I can think of below. I don't know if I can reasonably expect myself to take it all on in one week though, since it's a drastic change from my current habits.

- Journal more - writing down all my meals including when I'm not OP
- Exercise more - WATP or elliptical trainer after work
- Cook more - Prepare healthy meals at home instead of relying so much on takeout
- Vitamins - Take a daily multivitamin
- Get more sleep - Well-rested Shrinky is a Shrinky that can make better choices
- Drink more water - I feel like this is becoming a problem for the first time
- More fruits & veggies - I can't remember eating vegetables this week :-/

My priorities for this week are:

- Drinking more water
- Journalling more
- Getting more sleep

So...I feel ready to make today great! For lunch I am going to a Chinese/Japanese buffet. I have a craving for sushi, so my plan is to stick to sushi, green beans (they have these yummy spicy ones), fruit & 2 dumplings. My afternoon snack is a banana and a handful of almonds. I don't know yet what to do for dinner. My husband will be at a poker game, so I might just get a Lean Cuisine pizza for myself.

Tomorrow is WI Day

Tomorrow is my WI day and I'm not exactly excited. I am pretty sure it's going to be a gain. Despite having a really good weekend and staying in check with support from my sister, I let being tired and busy be an excuse for me to blow off all plans of trying to eat moderately and healthfully. Plus after work I started playing a certain evil video game again. I need to stop that crap, I don't care what Dr. Oz says - playing video games for me is just a way of avoiding responsibility and escaping from the real world. When I'm hooked, I'm hooked, and I stay up too late, eat crap because I don't feel like cooking, and don't do things that help me reach my goals like exercise or read or relax or write.

I so badly want this year to be a better year, and for me to be a better me. The better me is in here somewhere...I just know it. But I feel trapped by bad habits and addictive behaviors.

Part of me is scared. I am scared to quit sugar, alcohol & caffeine. The sugar I have mostly come to grips with. The caffeine is scarier than the sugar, but I can see it. But I just have this vision of me enjoying cooking a healthy meal and sipping on a glass of red wine in the kitchen while unwinding. I know that is a stupid reason not to give up alcohol. I have trouble envisioning a world without margaritas and beer and tropical umbrella drinks on the beach.

But alcoholic beverages are full of sugar. They make me hungry and impair my judgement. And I am afraid of replacing my addiction to sugar with a more solid addiction to alcohol. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family. And I certainly have an addictive personality. I eat and spend compulsively. Why should I tempt fates by having a glass or two of wine several times a week?

Anyway, I am going to bed...just things I'm thinking about. I can't say I'm committed. I am too afraid of giving things up to commit yet. But I'm thinking about it, and I am going back to losing the sugar in my household NOW.