Stressed

I've been feeling anxious & stressed, and as a result, I've been having a rough time. I've started waking up in the middle of the night again and eating. I'm not really fully conscious when I'm doing it. In the past when I had this problem, my solution was to plan a nighttime snack into my routine. If I didn't wake up & eat it, then I had an extra snack for the daytime. But if I did, at least it was something planned for that I didn't have to think about, and it was already worked into my plan for the next day. I think I will start doing this again, because I have done night-eating 3 nights in a row now, that I can remember.

I know that this happens when I'm stressed, and I will probably also start taking a mild sedative before bed again (prescribed because of my difficulty sleeping due to anxiety).

In addition, I thought it would help me to write out the things that are stressing me out. So, bear with me.

1. I am stressed because my husband and I have started looking for our first home. We will be buying a real, single-family house with a yard and all the responsibility of home ownership. This is exciting, but it's also stressful. We've just gotten pre-approved for our mortgage and started talking with a buyers' agent, so this is starting to feel a lot more real lately.

2. Because of #1 (buying a house), I've been anxious about finances. Our plan is to fully pay off my credit card balance before we close on a house. We can get the mortgage regardless, but for our own comfort and my own peace of mind, I want the cc debt wiped out. This wouldn't be a problem at all...except...

3. Weddings. I am the maid of honor in one of my best friends' weddings. Actually, I am 1 of 2 maids of honor. This means that not only do I have the responsibility of coordinating the bachelorette party & bridal shower, but I have to spend a crapload of money on things. Being a bridesmaid is damn expensive! The bachelorette party is going to cost me approximately $800. Just for myself & my share of the bride's expenses! Then the shower is two weeks later. In addition to invitations, favors, food, etc, I've got to get her a nice shower gift, too. Then, two weeks after that...the wedding! My bridesmaid dress is $150. My shoes are $50. I think I am going to have to pay to get my hair done. We have to stay in a hotel for 2 nights, maybe 3. And we have to obviously get them a wedding gift too. I mean I am happy to do all of this stuff, it's just that the timing sucks. The wedding is going to cost me well over $1500 by the time all is said & done. And then my sister is getting married in April 2008, but she has decided to have a big engagement party in May. This means that I have to get her an engagement gift, the same month that I have to do all the stuff for my friend's wedding.

4. Travel ... I am a homebody & I like to use most of my weekends to catch up on cleaning, sleeping in, hanging out with my husband, and relaxing, and running errands, and then catching up with friends over dinner or going to the movies at night. We do travel some weekends, but I usually require at least a weekend at home in between traveling. Well, between May & June, I have *one* weekend that I will be at home. Every single other weekend I am traveling. And now my in-laws are complaining that we can't wait until the end of June to come visit them. So that means that we have to squeeze in another weekend trip there. Guh.

5. Work ... I have a lot to do, and yet (a) I can't help but feel like I suck at what I do, and (b) I can't stop procrastinating because I hate working on stuff I think I'm sucking at. I just want to be better at my job. A possible solution I came up with is to designate one day a week, or two half-days a week, to training myself, reading more about the industry, and looking at what other people in my field are producing.

6. Tiredness... if you read this blog a lot, you might have noticed that I'm perpetually tired. I have gone to the doctor multiple times for this. The best explanation they have is that it's depression. So I've been on anti-depressants for awhile. I mean, I *am* depressed, and the anti-depressants have very much helped my depression & anxiety. I dare say that Wellbutrin has made a huge difference in my outlook on life, removing a lot of my apathy. However, part of me wonders if my constant tiredness isn't physical at all. I wonder if it's just by habit that I let myself feel tired all the time. That I wallow in it, and look for excuses to whine. I don't know. I mean, I'm tired when I'm at work - I spend a lot of time wishing I could go home for a nap. But I wonder if I would feel the same way if I was out & about during the weekend, or on vacation. I guess I might be. But I think some of it is truly mental, and not due to depression. And I know some of it is because my trouble sleeping.

Well...that is most of what is stressing me out.

Oh wait...I forgot. (and this wasn't intentional...!)

7. I keep forgetting to do things. I did most of our taxes and totally forgot about finishign everything and e-filing it. I keep forgetting that I have to go through & pay a few bills by check. I keep forgetting to return our Netflix movies. I keep forgetting when my favorite shows are on (thank goodness for Tivo). I keep losing track of time and forgetting to go to bed. I keep forgetting about meetings.

So...I really just need to really relax, put things in perspective, and take some action on the things that I have some control over.

KISS!

Keep It Simple, Stupid!

I know that phrase typically refers to writing, but in this case I am applying it to WW. I'm really talented at making things so much more complicated than they really need to be.

For example, I've been forgetting how sometimes the simplest meals can be made into awesome Points-friendly dinners with little effort. Hello grilled cheese! Hello tomato soup! Hello veggie burgers! Hello oven fries! You know what else is good? They have these boxes of pasta + weird sauces that are 2 servings per box and about 4-5 points per serving. They're really good if you throw in some extras at the end, like frozen veggies or cooked chicken.

I've gotten a lot of great recipe ideas lately as well. Easy recipes that involve things like refrigerated biscuit dough and minute rice. Things that will not take a great deal of energy, which is something I am sorely lacking.

It's ok to do this the easy way. I'm not going to win any medals for logging extra hours in the kitchen.

Update Time

So, instead of normal work, I had off site training on Friday, so I couldn't fit in my WW meeting before work. I went on Saturday instead. It reminded me why I refused to keep going to Saturday meetings. The group was mostly older and the sort of women who just wanted to chat about themselves, including the leader. There was very little discussion about weight loss or WW, just people bitching about having to have 20+ people over for Easter and having to deal with all the leftovers. Waah waah waah. It was the least constructive & least motivating meeting I have ever been to. I have to go to another Saturday meeting next week, due to more training...I may just weigh in and leave. Or if I can get my butt out of bed earlier, maybe I'll try & see if an earlier Saturday meeting is less aggrivating.

Oh, but the good stuff, I was down 0.6 lbs this week. Total since Feb is 9.6 down. 0.4 until I get my purse!

Last week honestly wasn't my best in terms of staying OP, but I feel a lot more in control this week. Yesterday was POP and today is nicely planned out. Hopefully I will see a bigger loss at my next WI as a result of better OP-ness and cleaner eating.

Oh...just a little story. I was at the supermarket on Thursday to pick up a few things. My husband likes the Jello fat free pudding cups so I grabbed him some. Then as I was browsing another aisle, a woman comes rushing up to me: "Excuse me! Excuse me!" so I turn to her wondering what she wanted. "Excuse me! I don't mean to be nosy but did you see that they have 60 calorie pudding cups?" And I said yes, those are the sugar free ones. And she points to my basket with the 100-calorie ff pudding cups and goes "Well, those are 100 calories...they have ones that are just sixty! I know when I'm watching calories, every calorie matters!" And I was kind of dumbstruck so I just mumbled something about how they're for my husband and walked away.

I really wish I had had the balls to say something snarky back to her though. I mean, there's a good chance that she didn't mean to sound as obnoxious as she did...but seriously, just because I'm fat, it doesn't mean I am actively soliciting strangers to advise me on what I should and shouldn't put in my shopping cart. I just really doubt she would have said anything to a skinny person buying FF pudding cups, you know? My fat is not a big flashing "Help Me!" sign. As you can see from my consistent weight loss over the past two months...I'm doing OK!

Anyway, yeah, just wanted to rant. And yes, she was skinny and probably in her late 40's. So she should be old enough to know better.

Just me, whining...

It's been kind of hard the past couple of days. It sucks because I really did so well Friday night and all day Saturday. Friday night, as I mentioned below, I managed to choose a totally OP meal at Uno's, and even though the waiter kinda made fun of me for asking for no breadstick (dude, it's 5 points!), I was really proud of myself.

Saturday I did major grocery shopping, and I went to both Trader Joe's and my regular supermarket Shaw's. I kinda had been craving Chinese food, so I decided that since we were staying in to watch movies Sat night, I'd have Trader Joe provide some healthier alternatives to Chinese takeout. So I made TJ's mandarin orange chicken, some jasmine rice, TJ's vegetable egg rolls, and some frozen mixed veggies from TJ's. It wound up being a great, Points-friendly, totally satisfying meal. Then Sunday came and my lack of planning got me into trouble at dinnertime. I had been planning on making pesto pizza at home, but we were out all day helping a friend fix up his new place, and then it was kinda late and I was *starving* so we went out. And we went to the Olive Garden, and I *could* have made some good choices, but I chose to pig out instead, on breadsticks and salad (with regular dressing) and sangria and pasta with cheesy sauce.

And Monday ... oh I just had such cravings all day long. I didn't cave in to my major cravings for a muffin from Dunkin Donuts or a Twix from the vending machine, but I did pig out a little at dinner. I made breakfast burritos and homemade home fries with very little oil...not the worst meal, but not portion controlled or measured.

So, for Tuesday I would really like to get it back together and STAY OP. I'm thinking that I might try to consciously eat more Core foods, while staying on Flex (the famous Flore plan, hahaha). Except then I would have to bring something other than Lean Cuisines for lunch. And yes, I really AM too lazy to make a sandwich. Sometimes I'm even too lazy to remember my Lean Cuisine, and then I have to come back home and get it or go out and buy a new one at lunchtime. My laziness knows no bounds.

Ok, so I won't officially do Flore, but I do want to start eating more "clean" and try & cut out more of the processed crap.

I really want to come up with some better high protein snacks. I feel kind of "meh" about lunch meat, I like eggs but I eat them a lot, I'm getting worn out on cottage cheese, I can't handle string cheese in the house, and I don't really like yogurt all that much.

At least I got my husband to pick a recipe out of Cooking Light and agree to make it. He's making Stir-Fried Szechuan Steak on Rice for Tuesday night's dinner. I figure this way I get a break and he gets to pick out dinner for a change. I usually cook just because of WW, but if he's following recipes from Cooking Light or another cookbook with NI, then that's fine.

Well, I am tired and it is way past my bedtime.

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP! I AM GOING TO KEEP LOSING WEIGHT!