Hopefully now that I have my new ipod nano, I will be getting out there more & more frequently. Nothing motivates me to move like some good music.
I am participating in a weight loss challenge as of this coming Monday, being hosted by FatBlokeThin. I don't usually do challenges/contests but I figure I can use some friendly competition as motivation right now. I figure even the person who loses the least percentage is still a winner because they are that much closer towards their goal.
In other news...I have kind of been wavering on the Satiatrim that I mentioned below. The only flavor I like is chocolate (which is pretty good), but it's becoming clear to me that a lot of my hunger isn't physical at all, and so a protein-rich drink isn't going to fix that. I do notice that it is physically filling, which is great for 1 point...but when I crave certain foods or have the urge to binge, it isn't due to hunger. It's due to a need to soothe myself or calm myself down.
I have noticed that lately a big trigger for bingeing has been social anxiety. I don't feel nearly so shy as I used to, but I find that in crowded places I get extremely anxious to the point of feeling like I will have a panic attack (basically I get dizzy, start sweating, flushing, and have trouble breathing). The worst place for this lately has been the supermarket. It's a busy town and the good supermarket is always crowded...and I start out ok, but as people are pushing by, crowding the aisles, blocking the way, shouting at each other, etc...I just start to feel ill with the above symptoms. And what I need to do is go someplace quiet and take some deep breaths, and I've tried to do that, to go into a corner of the store for a few moments, but no matter where I go it seems like someone is trying to push me out of the way to get to a shelf or something. Even when I tried to hide next to the frigging yeast infection treatments for a couple minutes! I mean, COME ON!
The more that tension builds, the less rational I feel and I start to fantasize about getting into my car and being alone. And I see all of these amazing treats in the supermarket and it makes the reward of getting to be alone that much better, makes the rest of the shopping trip seem more bearable, to imagine how in a half an hour I will be alone and have quiet and will have the sweet rush of sugar to soothe my fried nerves.
Anyway, I am hoping that writing this down will help me. I have an Rx for panic attacks, unfortunately it is sedating and I could not drive after taking it. I am going to try to scope out some other supermarkets that are a little farther away to see if they are less crowded, and also try finding less busy times to go.
It just weirds me out because this is such a new thing. Crowds never used to bother me so much...now I just feel almost claustrophobic. I can't remember feeling this anxious since before I started taking SSRI's for the anxiety/depression.
On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, and that is always a wonderful thing. It starts a fresh new WW week for me and I have made a game plan for the day and am feeling pretty optimistic. I don't really know why I gave up on WW the last time. Sometimes I really don't understand myself.
One thing I would like to do is go back through my older blog posts and my older forum posts from when I was doing well through when I fell off the wagon and see if I can see what might have triggered it.