Shrinky's Shrink
Tonight I have an appointment with my therapist who is probably going to eventually be my ex-therapist when I grow the balls to find someone better. I don't know what it is about her, but I find her really unhelpful. The past few months she was completely fixated on my wedding, as though that alone was the source of all of my problems. Nevermind that I have been screwed up, depressed, and anxious my whole life. Nevermind that I didn't really want the fluffy big wedding in the first place, and I resented having to talk about it all the time.
I know she's going to want to rehash and I don't want to, and I don't know if I will be able to tell her that I don't want to talk about it. I know it's hard to accept when I say that everything went "fine" because a wedding should be this momentous fantastic event, but getting married was the momentous fantastic event, the wedding was just a tremendous waste of money and time and energy. Everyone gets pissed when I say this, but I was a fat bride, I hated how I looked, I hate the pictures, and I just want to get on with my real life.
This therapist is the one who urged and urged me to forget about weight loss, forget about dieting, forget about all of it, and just accept myself for who I am. I tried that and gained 32 pounds. And you know what? I can't just accept myself the way I am. I cannot accept being >100 lbs overweight. I can't accept being a bloated marshmallow! I just fucking can't! I mean I accept it as in I believe it, but I'm not going to sit here and say "this is a-ok!" because it's not. It is not ok to be this overweight and just sit there and be happy about it. It's not good for my emotional state, and it's sure as hell not good for my physical state.
So I would like to bring that up to her, that my body issues are not only back, but they are worse than ever. That I want to get my shit together once and for all. That of all the antidepressants I've been on, none of them have made a remarkable difference. That I am not feeling better, and that I don't feel this talk therapy has been helpful. That I think there are bigger issues than what is going on in my present life, and that the way I am now is just a magnified version of the child Shrinky, the pudgy, bingeing, shy, scared, tired, disorganized little girl. And that that is what I want to get rid of, and that that must be the key to getting better.
I mean, maybe this isn't even depression. I don't know, I'm not a therapist. All I know is that I feel like shit. And as I have mentioned to my doctors, I have even felt borderline suicidal at times (and not recently and not very seriously so please do not freak out over this). But I feel like at the root of it, it's because I am out of control. There is no event that is making me depressed. There is no one thing that makes me sad. I just don't have my shit together. I never have, but at least I had parents & teachers to sort of push me along. Now I am supposed to be a responsible adult, but my shit is so far from together that I can't even tell you what I'd have to do to get things back together again. I'm miserable! I can't live like this!
Maybe a therapist isn't what I need. Maybe I need a life coach or a fucking surrogate mommy to tell me to do the dishes until I start doing it by habit.
I want to live in a clean, organized home.
I want to have a healthy, reasonably fit body.
I want to work on my writing & read a lot.
I want my finances to get & stay ok.
I just want things to be perfect!
I know it's unreasonable to want things to be perfect. But isn't it reasonable to want to have my finances together, my apartment reasonably tidy, to not be morbidly obese, ... ugh. I know when I say this, she's just going to tell me that it's ok for things not to be perfect. But it's not ok. I want things the way I want them. I just need the energy to do it.
I know she's going to want to rehash and I don't want to, and I don't know if I will be able to tell her that I don't want to talk about it. I know it's hard to accept when I say that everything went "fine" because a wedding should be this momentous fantastic event, but getting married was the momentous fantastic event, the wedding was just a tremendous waste of money and time and energy. Everyone gets pissed when I say this, but I was a fat bride, I hated how I looked, I hate the pictures, and I just want to get on with my real life.
This therapist is the one who urged and urged me to forget about weight loss, forget about dieting, forget about all of it, and just accept myself for who I am. I tried that and gained 32 pounds. And you know what? I can't just accept myself the way I am. I cannot accept being >100 lbs overweight. I can't accept being a bloated marshmallow! I just fucking can't! I mean I accept it as in I believe it, but I'm not going to sit here and say "this is a-ok!" because it's not. It is not ok to be this overweight and just sit there and be happy about it. It's not good for my emotional state, and it's sure as hell not good for my physical state.
So I would like to bring that up to her, that my body issues are not only back, but they are worse than ever. That I want to get my shit together once and for all. That of all the antidepressants I've been on, none of them have made a remarkable difference. That I am not feeling better, and that I don't feel this talk therapy has been helpful. That I think there are bigger issues than what is going on in my present life, and that the way I am now is just a magnified version of the child Shrinky, the pudgy, bingeing, shy, scared, tired, disorganized little girl. And that that is what I want to get rid of, and that that must be the key to getting better.
I mean, maybe this isn't even depression. I don't know, I'm not a therapist. All I know is that I feel like shit. And as I have mentioned to my doctors, I have even felt borderline suicidal at times (and not recently and not very seriously so please do not freak out over this). But I feel like at the root of it, it's because I am out of control. There is no event that is making me depressed. There is no one thing that makes me sad. I just don't have my shit together. I never have, but at least I had parents & teachers to sort of push me along. Now I am supposed to be a responsible adult, but my shit is so far from together that I can't even tell you what I'd have to do to get things back together again. I'm miserable! I can't live like this!
Maybe a therapist isn't what I need. Maybe I need a life coach or a fucking surrogate mommy to tell me to do the dishes until I start doing it by habit.
I want to live in a clean, organized home.
I want to have a healthy, reasonably fit body.
I want to work on my writing & read a lot.
I want my finances to get & stay ok.
I just want things to be perfect!
I know it's unreasonable to want things to be perfect. But isn't it reasonable to want to have my finances together, my apartment reasonably tidy, to not be morbidly obese, ... ugh. I know when I say this, she's just going to tell me that it's ok for things not to be perfect. But it's not ok. I want things the way I want them. I just need the energy to do it.
1 Comments:
your current shrink sucks ass. what sort of therapist actively ignores your past and the major life altering trauma you experienced during your childhood? you know you need to address it and she's letting you continue to ignore it. once you get down to that, all things will change for the better. you know this.
your insurance sitch is better now that you're married, take advantage of that asap & start shopping for a shrink that matches you.
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