Why the Temptation?
Why am I so tempted to blow off the program? What is with the urge to sneak in a little bit of something I shouldn't have? Who do I think I'm cheating? Why can't I just wait until I've planned for these caloric splurges?
I think part of it is that it's really hard to truly relate one snack with improved health or improved weight. In all honesty, no, the peanut butter cups are not going to make me gain or lose weight. Neither is a dinner out with an appetizer, entree, and dessert. It's in stacking these splurges that the pounds come and come to stay.
So, when I'm in the heat of a craving, it's so easy to justify - one won't hurt! It won't make a big deal! I'll get right back on track (tomorrow/after Thanksgiving/etc). It's so hard to rationalize to myself that it will make a difference because I won't get right back on track - my manipulative inner brat is pleading and working to convince the rest of me that I will and it won't hurt and just this once can't I have what I want?
I mean, right now I'm typing this because I am feeling this desperation, that I want to just give myself a break and go off program for a couple days and take a break from counting and measuring and whatnot. I know that I'd be lying to myself if I said I could bounce right back from it. I don't think I could. And I know how good my body is at storing fat really fast - it wouldn't take long for me to regain the 4 pounds that I worked hard to lose.
And I feel so negative. There is a voice that tells me why bother resisting? If it was so hard to lose those 4 lbs, and I have so very many more to lose, it's probably futile to even try. I'm just torturing myself and in the process delaying the inevitable - that I won't lose weight and even if I do, I'll just gain it back, unless I have surgery or something.
What a great attitude, right? This isn't even my attitude all the time...just the past couple of days.
And I don't know what I need to hear or to tell myself to snap out of this feeling. I don't think the normal cheerleading that I find so motivating will help. Because I feel like a fraud. Even t hough I haven't technically been off program, and I have written down every single morsel I've eaten and logged it on the BCB forums...I just feel like a fraud, because there is a part of me that does not enjoy WW. I do not enjoy counting calories, I do not enjoy counting points, I do not enjoy feeling as though I have to exercise or risk falling into a pit of depression. I am waiting for myself to screw it up. To skip a day...and then another...to grab a brownie and neglect to be accountable for it. Because when these things happen, they snowball for me.
I guess it's just really hard to put past failures behind me. I know I should, but it's just so hard. I do feel that if I just keep telling my BCB buddies what I have eaten, every day, that even if I should slip I could right myself faster. I just hate how I want to slip. I want to sink into that comforting feeling of going out and getting a giant cheeseburger and fries and a big cold beer.
And eventually I can do that with my Flex Points, but I can't do that this week, or rather, I CHOOSE not to do that this week, because I am saving the few WPAs I have left for tomorrow.
On another note, I think what might be frustrating me so much are several upcoming trips. I'll be visiting my friend for whom I am a maid of honor in December...then for Christmas we're spending a few days with my in-laws. In January I will probably have to go back down to visit my friend for another weekend. We also are supposed to visit my BIL & SIL in January. February I might be going to visit my folks in Arizona. In April my stepmom & sister are coming to visit me. In May I am going to Vegas for my friend's bachelorette party *and* throwing her a bridal shower. In June, it's her wedding. So, for the next several months, I'll be going away almost twice a month. It stresses me out to think about trying to stay OP for all of that. I always struggle when I am away from home and away from food I can control!
But then this is why people always try to tell you to focus on one day at a time. And furthermore, I can only tell myself I will do the best I can. I will have many, many normal work days during those months. So what if I even only managed to stay OP on those work days? That's still better than what I had been doing. It's still better than getting cheesy paninis and french fries for lunch everyday, with a giant brownie for a mid-afternoon snack, and no exercise! It's a lot better!
Anyway, this was just a rant. As I said, I'm still OP. I guess I will just focus on today and just keep doing the best I can.
I think part of it is that it's really hard to truly relate one snack with improved health or improved weight. In all honesty, no, the peanut butter cups are not going to make me gain or lose weight. Neither is a dinner out with an appetizer, entree, and dessert. It's in stacking these splurges that the pounds come and come to stay.
So, when I'm in the heat of a craving, it's so easy to justify - one won't hurt! It won't make a big deal! I'll get right back on track (tomorrow/after Thanksgiving/etc). It's so hard to rationalize to myself that it will make a difference because I won't get right back on track - my manipulative inner brat is pleading and working to convince the rest of me that I will and it won't hurt and just this once can't I have what I want?
I mean, right now I'm typing this because I am feeling this desperation, that I want to just give myself a break and go off program for a couple days and take a break from counting and measuring and whatnot. I know that I'd be lying to myself if I said I could bounce right back from it. I don't think I could. And I know how good my body is at storing fat really fast - it wouldn't take long for me to regain the 4 pounds that I worked hard to lose.
And I feel so negative. There is a voice that tells me why bother resisting? If it was so hard to lose those 4 lbs, and I have so very many more to lose, it's probably futile to even try. I'm just torturing myself and in the process delaying the inevitable - that I won't lose weight and even if I do, I'll just gain it back, unless I have surgery or something.
What a great attitude, right? This isn't even my attitude all the time...just the past couple of days.
And I don't know what I need to hear or to tell myself to snap out of this feeling. I don't think the normal cheerleading that I find so motivating will help. Because I feel like a fraud. Even t hough I haven't technically been off program, and I have written down every single morsel I've eaten and logged it on the BCB forums...I just feel like a fraud, because there is a part of me that does not enjoy WW. I do not enjoy counting calories, I do not enjoy counting points, I do not enjoy feeling as though I have to exercise or risk falling into a pit of depression. I am waiting for myself to screw it up. To skip a day...and then another...to grab a brownie and neglect to be accountable for it. Because when these things happen, they snowball for me.
I guess it's just really hard to put past failures behind me. I know I should, but it's just so hard. I do feel that if I just keep telling my BCB buddies what I have eaten, every day, that even if I should slip I could right myself faster. I just hate how I want to slip. I want to sink into that comforting feeling of going out and getting a giant cheeseburger and fries and a big cold beer.
And eventually I can do that with my Flex Points, but I can't do that this week, or rather, I CHOOSE not to do that this week, because I am saving the few WPAs I have left for tomorrow.
On another note, I think what might be frustrating me so much are several upcoming trips. I'll be visiting my friend for whom I am a maid of honor in December...then for Christmas we're spending a few days with my in-laws. In January I will probably have to go back down to visit my friend for another weekend. We also are supposed to visit my BIL & SIL in January. February I might be going to visit my folks in Arizona. In April my stepmom & sister are coming to visit me. In May I am going to Vegas for my friend's bachelorette party *and* throwing her a bridal shower. In June, it's her wedding. So, for the next several months, I'll be going away almost twice a month. It stresses me out to think about trying to stay OP for all of that. I always struggle when I am away from home and away from food I can control!
But then this is why people always try to tell you to focus on one day at a time. And furthermore, I can only tell myself I will do the best I can. I will have many, many normal work days during those months. So what if I even only managed to stay OP on those work days? That's still better than what I had been doing. It's still better than getting cheesy paninis and french fries for lunch everyday, with a giant brownie for a mid-afternoon snack, and no exercise! It's a lot better!
Anyway, this was just a rant. As I said, I'm still OP. I guess I will just focus on today and just keep doing the best I can.
2 Comments:
your last sentence said it all. Focus on today. You're on the right track. You sound a bit like me - because these thoughts are there, it's like you've actually done it - but your actually beating yourself up for stuff you haven't done yet! The hardest part about having to watch your weight is coming to accept the fact that it will likely be for the rest of your life. It will be a journey. It won't be broken from one day. I found that, it seemed, anyhow, that everytime I decided to go back on WW, all these social things came up. I would get sooo mad. Mad that I was overweight, mad that I had to count, mad that the stuff I loved seemed the most points. Recently though, I came to notice that I can actually feel full on less food than I used to eat. So, that teeny tiny portion of whatever I loved was enough. Sound to me like you're on the right track to make long term changes. How great that you have a place to rant, get your thoughts out there, sorted, and then you can move on in a healthy manner. Good luck!! And remember, today is the day that will make a difference. Tomorrow really doesn't ever come.
I hope you are doing better and survived the long weekend; I understand how you feel and I'm glad you posted.
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