Time to Refocus

I feel like my enthusiasm & resolve is starting to wane. I have been OP & today I got a good workout in (WATP 3-mile!)...but I dunno. Something inside me is starting to say "meh" about the whole weight-loss better-health thing. And it bothers me, but the part of me that's bothered is being lured into inaction by the siren-call of the couch, and the temptation of pizza delivery and Chinese food buffets. Breakfasts provided by Dunkin Donuts and my old pal the McGriddle.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not caved, I am OP and I plan to stay OP. I just want to get a little more hardcore. I hadn't started off strong with the Healthy 8's and all that jazz, and I think it's starting to be time to be a little more strict about these things.

Dinnertime is the worst. Breakfast is easy. I can stay OP without a thought. An egg on a light english muffin, or some cereal with milk, and voila, there we go, we're on our way. Lunch, that's easy too. Lean Cuisine's are pretty tasty and I've gotten into the habit of having a Lean Cuisine and a piece of fruit for lunch, and then a piece of fruit & an Activia yogurt (which thus far has not helped my tummy issues) for a mid-afternoon snack.

Then I get home. And I want to do nothing. Because all around me there are things that I need to do. Or that I tell myself I need to do. I need to clean. I need to cook. I need to exercise. I need to read. I need to do laundry. I need to sort through bills. I need to watch a certain show. I need to get to bed by a certain time. Blah blah blah, I'm sick of it. It makes me want to do nothing. Nothing!

And a lot of the time, I do nothing. I crash on the couch or I wander around the apartment aimlessly, I take long bubble baths staring at the ceiling, I mindlessly surf the Internet reading flame wars for fun, and nothing I want to or need to do gets done. And I don't even enjoy this downtime because it's not downtime, it's procrastination. Because of course I don't want to start dealing with all of my have-to-do's...there's so many and it's just too daunting.

Kind of like the pounds I want to lose. There's so many! I can't get excited over the 3 I lost last week, even though I know it was awesome and I should be proud, because I still have trouble ignoring the big picture.

But there's an even bigger picture than my have-to-do's and my pounds-to-lose. Why am I doing this shit in the first place? There is no law that says my apartment must be tidy and I must be healthy. I'm doing these things because I want to be goddamn happy. And when I look at all the things I'm not doing, I ignore the things I have done. I mean, I already feel more fit than I did 2 weeks ago, just from exercising almost everyday. I don't huff & puff walking up the stairs anymore. And I just feel a little bit better about my body, just a little bit more confident.

I don't know. There's just so much I want to do. Things are such a mess. It's bothering me to the point where it blocks out my motivation to keep being healthy.

Here are the things that are (still) stressing me out:

- Messy kitchen
- Messy bedroom
- Ten thousand loads of laundry to do
- Unfinished thank you notes
- My car needs work
- I need to finish changing my name
- Bags and bags of mail & papers to sort through
- Holiday shopping

Probably more stuff. I just keep forgetting all my ten thousand things I have to do, and then I remember them at the last minute and I just feel so disorganized and scattered. I hate it! I just want to get to a point where I can come home from work and not feel like everything is a disaster. I want to come home, make dinner with my husband, exercise, relax, and go to sleep. Why is that such an unreasonable dream?

I know, though, going off plan will not help me fix other things...I need to stay strong on this and keep chugging. Even if I'm not perfect with the healthy 8's, I committed to journal all of my food whether I stay OP or not. And I want to stay OP.