Inner Voices
I am angry again today. The scale is not being a friend. Should I be surprised? Not really. Thursday-Sunday were so completely off program that I shouldn't be terribly shocked that it shows a gain. I guess I'm angry at myself for going off the program. Let's dance - it's easy - 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.
Whatever. I guess I'm still 1 step ahead which is better than nothing. And there's always next week. Every day is a chance to improve. It just pisses me off that I struggle with so many of the dozens of choices I'm confronted with every day.
If I want to get healthy, I'll do the right thing, right? You'd think so. But I don't always care. I think it's the depression, but there is a large part of my personality that is apathetic about the whole thing. Food is an instant antidepressant. When I am miserable, and I cheer myself up with something tasty, I can just feel it all over, from my head to my toes. Feelings of being soothed, calm, happy, relaxed, wonderful. It lasts long enough for it to be worth it when I'm sad. Yes it's ultimately destructive. But, I'm an addict, and it's so hard to say no when such a strong part of me wants to say yes and has logical reasons to say yes!
So, it's a struggle, and that alone makes me feel like crap. It should be easy. I should be happy about all of the healthy food I can eat and how I am able to exercise and keep up with my workout DVDs now. It's only been a few weeks and already I feel a physical improvement in my heart & lungs, extra endurance, extra energy, extra strength. I no longer feel like my body is a lump of lard waiting to fall over and die.
But I still think about bingeing. I still think about blowing off the program. These thoughts creep in a dozen or more times a day. And as much as I fight them off, I can't help but wonder how long I'm going to be able to keep this up. That one day, once again, I'm going to just crumble under the pressure of the little voices that tell me I should just treat myself to lunch out, to a brownie for a midafternoon snack, and then to order pizza for dinner and eat half. And that on the following day I'll get egg/bacon/cheese on a croissant and maybe also a Boston Cream donut because that way I can eat it while driving to work. And coffee with cream and real sugar. And the cycle will continue and I'll spiral out of control and find myself back here wondering why I let myself do that, maybe 50 pounds above my highest weight, starting over at square one with even farther to go and an even slower metabolism.
I guess the main problem with this thinking is that I really *do* believe that I will crumble, eventually. That I'm not going to be able to keep this up for much longer. That I'm a fraud and that I'm out of control and that I'm not a capable enough person to take care of myself. And that all of my fighting is ultimately going to be in vain.
Is that the depression talking or what? It sounds so dysfunctional when I write it out, but this is the best way I can express the inner battle that is going on. I hope that by writing it out and seeing in black & white how ridiculous my inner voices sound, that it will help me to change the way I think over time. That it's not futile to try and get to a healthy weight. Hell, even a healthier weight.
I just need to keep focusing on other things that make me happy. Reading, writing, playing games, movies, tv, even exercise. Spending time with my husband. I need to find new things to do as well. And I need to stop using food to procrastinate from doing things I have to do but don't want to do.
Whatever. I guess I'm still 1 step ahead which is better than nothing. And there's always next week. Every day is a chance to improve. It just pisses me off that I struggle with so many of the dozens of choices I'm confronted with every day.
If I want to get healthy, I'll do the right thing, right? You'd think so. But I don't always care. I think it's the depression, but there is a large part of my personality that is apathetic about the whole thing. Food is an instant antidepressant. When I am miserable, and I cheer myself up with something tasty, I can just feel it all over, from my head to my toes. Feelings of being soothed, calm, happy, relaxed, wonderful. It lasts long enough for it to be worth it when I'm sad. Yes it's ultimately destructive. But, I'm an addict, and it's so hard to say no when such a strong part of me wants to say yes and has logical reasons to say yes!
So, it's a struggle, and that alone makes me feel like crap. It should be easy. I should be happy about all of the healthy food I can eat and how I am able to exercise and keep up with my workout DVDs now. It's only been a few weeks and already I feel a physical improvement in my heart & lungs, extra endurance, extra energy, extra strength. I no longer feel like my body is a lump of lard waiting to fall over and die.
But I still think about bingeing. I still think about blowing off the program. These thoughts creep in a dozen or more times a day. And as much as I fight them off, I can't help but wonder how long I'm going to be able to keep this up. That one day, once again, I'm going to just crumble under the pressure of the little voices that tell me I should just treat myself to lunch out, to a brownie for a midafternoon snack, and then to order pizza for dinner and eat half. And that on the following day I'll get egg/bacon/cheese on a croissant and maybe also a Boston Cream donut because that way I can eat it while driving to work. And coffee with cream and real sugar. And the cycle will continue and I'll spiral out of control and find myself back here wondering why I let myself do that, maybe 50 pounds above my highest weight, starting over at square one with even farther to go and an even slower metabolism.
I guess the main problem with this thinking is that I really *do* believe that I will crumble, eventually. That I'm not going to be able to keep this up for much longer. That I'm a fraud and that I'm out of control and that I'm not a capable enough person to take care of myself. And that all of my fighting is ultimately going to be in vain.
Is that the depression talking or what? It sounds so dysfunctional when I write it out, but this is the best way I can express the inner battle that is going on. I hope that by writing it out and seeing in black & white how ridiculous my inner voices sound, that it will help me to change the way I think over time. That it's not futile to try and get to a healthy weight. Hell, even a healthier weight.
I just need to keep focusing on other things that make me happy. Reading, writing, playing games, movies, tv, even exercise. Spending time with my husband. I need to find new things to do as well. And I need to stop using food to procrastinate from doing things I have to do but don't want to do.
3 Comments:
I totally think that if you were able to stay on program for about a month AND see losses each time, it may eleviate that depression. I am in NO WAY saying that in a judgmental way, but as someone who just went through it and is jazzed by the losses. I seriously could not have cared less two months ago and was medicating with food but now that I have given it a true effort and have obtained results, I care....the odd thing is, not in an obsessive way but just in that way that it is a part of my everyday life, etc.
However, don't set yourself up to feel bad if you don't bust through two sizes over the holidays!
Hi, just stopping by.
I've been using the "Google 15" tracker. This litle widget keeps track of your moving averages, so when you gain a little, you won't lose your motivation because all in all, your average is still going down. :)
Just add it to your Google homepage. (And no, I don't work for Google. ;)
Good luck and keep up the good work! Yay to teeny tiny T-shirts!
MJ
http://www.gorgeousdahling.blogspot.com
Hilly - I think you are totally right. I am going to try to make December a totally OP month.
Nederlass - Thank you for that suggestion - I had never heard of the Google 15 tracker, but it looks really neat.
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