shrinky strikes back

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Return of the Snot Monster

Yep, this cold is in full force. My ears and throat are killing me, so I suspect that it's an ear infection. I'm one of those lucky people who continue to get ear infections as an adult. As a side note, an ear infection could partially explain how I lost my balance and fell down the stairs the other day.

At any rate, I am tired, cold, feeling crappy, and ready to go home and get into my jammies and sleep for a month. It hurts to swallow which is just the most awful thing ever because it makes it hard to do anything comfortably, even sleep. But it isn't as bad as my raging strep of 1995 so I really can't complain. My raging strep haunts me to this day, I was bedridden for a week, home for 2. It was resistant to the first antibiotic I was put on, and I was unable to eat anything but jello & popsicles during that time - anything else hurt too much to swallow.

I am a bit of a big baby when I am sick. It makes me sad that my parents are nowhere nearby to make me some chicken soup. My husband could make me chicken soup, but he'd have to make it from a can. I don't know if I actually have an appetite though. I might just have some tea and NyQuil for dinner tonight.

Thank goodness for Puffs Plus though. My nose is far less chapped from snot-blowing compared to how it would be with ordinary facial tissues.

Um...believe it or not I was thinking about weight loss and health and the new year and all that...I really was. It's just not easy to form a cohesive plan when I'm shivering at my desk. This week sucks. Why did I have to get sick THIS week?

Oh I know why I wanted to post. It's because of how I felt being at my in laws'. My in laws' are nice enough people, however I get the impression that they DO NOT LIKE FAT PEOPLE. At first I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive, until I was talking to one of my SILs who is also married into the family. She mentioned that she often felt like they didn't like her until she lost her weight.

The grandparents often make snarks about fat celebrities or fat people. The grandmother likes to offer me salad when she's offering everyone else sandwiches or whatever. She also gives me smaller portions than everyone else. Nothing huge, just lots of little things that I try to ignore, but can't. It just makes me feel gross and uncomfortable. Not even in a blaming-myself kind of way. It just makes me angry, it makes me feel like they are slithering snakes who are all up to something. I wonder if they hold meetings on discussing what to do about the fat daughter-in-law in the basement at midnight and sacrifice obese orphan children to the god of perfect bodies and type-a personalities.

In addition to that, I have an appointment with Nutty McAppletree, the crazy therapist, next week. I promised myself I would write down some notes on what I want to say and what I want to get out of my time with her. I am anxious though - I don't know if there is any hope for a woman who suggests flying a kite or playing solitaire as the perfect solution to binge eating. And then reads me a story about an apple tree.

One more chance. That's all I will give.

I wish I was feeling better. I need some mental clarity and energy, stat.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Trifecta of Crap

Right now I am dealing with a sudden trifecta of crap.

1. I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday.
2. I woke up this morning with some bad flu symptoms.
3. Aunt Flo decided to pay a goddamn visit.

In general I am feeling very depressed & pessimistic right now. I don't want to talk to anybody really because I'm just going to whine about "woe is me". I haven't slept well in days. At first it was just because the bed at my in-laws' was uncomfortable, but now that I am back home, I still can't sleep because now my body is covered in huge painful bruises. And my throat hurts. And I'm crampy.

To add to my woe is me whine whine whine fest, I am the only person I know who has to work this week. Only about 20% of the normal employees are here this week, but I have no vacation or sick time left for 2006, so here I am. And I feel guilty that I'm getting nothing done, but I'm drugged up on cold medicine and I ache all over. I can't even tell if it's from falling down the stairs or if it's flu-ache.

In general, I feel like a barrel of sunshine and rainbows.

But I realize that I am depressed because I am not feeling good. And that is understandable. I mean, do you really begrudge me my crankiness? You can't. You'd be in a shitty mood too if you hurt all over *and* you had to go to work *and* you had your period *and* it was your husband's birthday so you were trying to be nice and cheerful at home so as not to ruin the day for him.

I wanted to talk about 2007. I want badly to start 2007 with a clean slate. To put the depression and hopelessness and frustrations behind me. I am in a new place than I was when we rang in 2006. And now I physically hurt all over, and it makes it so hard to feel hopeful and creative and imaginative.

But I will heal, and maybe along with my body, I can work on really starting to heal my heart & my soul & my mind too.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Feeling better...

I had been feeling discombobulated and not doing that great with the whole OP thing. But last night I don't know what happened, but something sort of snapped in me, urging me to cut the bullshit and get my shit together. I did the dishes that were weighing down on my soul, and then made a meal plan for today.

And today when I woke up, I didn't question it. I just had my planned breakfast. And I'm going to have my planned lunch. And I'm looking forward to my planned dinner. I know that it won't always be easy but today it's easy again and for that I am grateful. I need a full day OP to get the ball rolling again, and to get me mentally where I need to be.

It does piss me off that Christmas is just a few days away and I will have to spend a few days with the in-laws. I won't have the same control over my food. But I just have to remember that this is going to be my work day plan, so as soon as I'm back from the in-laws, I go back to cereal + fruit + milk + coffee = breakfast and lean cuisine + fruit = lunch plan, and things should work from there.

Dinners have been hard. To make things easier on myself I am going to run to Trader Joe's after work and stock up on some of their frozen meal thingies. They have burritos and risottos and pasta dishes and stir fries that are all relatively low point, tasty, and relatively cheap. So, that should also be helpful. And frozen fruit and veggies too.

So, I've picked myself back up again. I don't know if I'll see a loss this week, or even next week, but I know that I'm at least doing the right things for myself when I can pull my shit back together.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

100th Post!

I feel like I should have a party or something.

But I'm not. Not, really.

But I do think I need to make this whole WW thing easier on me. I was reading that book everyone is crazy about, You on a Diet, (great read, btw), and one of the suggestions is to pick 2 meals a day where you eat the same thing each day. Sounds kind of boring, but it also sounds like it would make life oh so easy. Less decisions to make, thus less of a chance to make the wrong decision.

I am going to give this a whirl, at least for work days. Breakfast and Lunch are pretty routine and are the easiest to automate. Breakfast will be a bowl of whole grain, low sugar cereal, with a piece of fruit (preferably a sliced banana, my favorite) and 1% milk, and coffee. I was thinking Lunch should follow my standard Lean Cuisine + piece of Fruit routine, so I will do that for now. But I do eventually want to cut out the processed foods. I think by the time the weather warms up, I will switch to salads with beans & chicken. My afternoon snack will be yogurt or cottage cheese with another piece of fruit. And dinner is flexible.

I am getting very frustrated with how I am always buying groceries with the intention of making healthy meals and eating them, but I put off my healthy dinners and meal plans and the crap goes bad, and I have to throw it out.

I am going to have to start making dinner meal plans for the week before I go shopping, and only get enough stuff to make those dinners. I should also try & base some dinners on ingredients that are either non-perishable or freezable, so that if a dinner plan gets knocked out due to unforseen circumstances, I can rearrange the weekly meal plan without having to throw things in the trash.

Good for the waistline *and* the wallet!

I am excited because we have hot water in our apartment again. This means I can workout tonight! Woohoo!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Ho ho ho...!

Yes, I am still here...I have just been preoccupied with the hectic holiday crap and also the fact that my apartment has no hot water due to the boiler biting the dust. Because I am a Virgo, this affects me even more than it might affect people with a more normal tolerance for feeling gross. We had been going to a friend's apartment to use his shower while ours was ice cold, but it was a 20-something bachelor's apartment and, well, my shower is cleaner. Plus he went away for the weekend, so my last *real* shower was Friday night...Sunday I tried my best to wash my hair in the sink and sponge bathe with the icy water, but I still feel kinda yucky. Is this TMI? If so, sorry.

It also affects my weight loss because I wasn't going to exercise without being able to shower afterwards. I mean, exercise is really important to be, but cleanliness is more important to me. Sorry, that's just how it is.

Anyway, supposedly this will be fixed by noon today. I am going home on my lunch break to try & take a shower (cross your fingers, toes, eyes, all of it). It's so inconvenient - I mean this affects not only bathing but also dishes & laundry, of which we have a huge backlog.

But yeah, I am trying to get back into the swing of living life like a normal person. Following WW, eating healthy, cooking, cleaning up after myself, enjoying life, etc. It's amazing how a week w/o hot water can totally disrupt that. I guess I am easily disrupted. I suppose that is something I should work on.

Oh, I don't think I mentioned my strange therapy experience from last week. It's kind of a long story, but basically I had an appointment with a new therapist who I really don't feel like I mesh with. At one point I mentioned my emotional eating, so she basically took it to mean that I needed some ideas for things I could do instead of eating. So she read to me from a list of 175 activities that I could do instead of eating. First of all, I get the point. I told her I had my own list. Second of all, that's not the point. I am never at a lack for things to do. I just either am too depressed to want to do them, or doing an activity does not yield the same physical results as eating.

Because let's face it, emotional eating does something to your body, like a drug. There's a high, a feeling of being soothed, like being tucked into a warm bed and being given a kiss on the forehead. Other things might be fun, but sinking into some forbidden foods and having the sugars course through your body is so far beyond an activity. It's a sedative. And she doesn't get that. Which is a problem.

That and she's a fucking idiot. But I am giving her one chance, where I explain why I didn't feel like the last session was helpful and try & verbalize what I do want to get out of therapy. But there is a huge part of me that wonders how helpful therapy will even be in the long run. I feel like a lot of my work can be done alone through writing and thinking and reading. I feel like some of my biggest breakthroughs have been while journalling or talking to friends. It seems like people put a lot of stock into therapy because they don't know what else to suggest, or they are just afraid for their friend/family member and want to put the responsibility onto a "professional".

Um, hmmm, what else is going on. I did rejoin meetings on Friday. Sweet Zombie Jesus is that joint busy on Friday mornings! I am afraid for how it will be once the New Year hits. I do think it will be a great routine though, a good way to kick off the weekend on a positive and healthy note.

In January I will most likely be joining the gym halfway between my office and home. I want to have more options for exercise. I feel like exercise is really key for me to get my health back in order, both mentally & physically. I want to feel strong again.

I'm also starting to see the joy in adopting girly girl habits. When we still had hot water, I was spending ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom putting skin masques on my face, plucking my eyebrows into submission, and soaking in a deliciously scented bubble bath. I want to encourage this, because while I'm primping and preening I am not eating, and because it makes me feel good about myself. And who couldn't use a little self-esteem boost?

Some of it is alien to me, I never was that much of a girly girl. I think part of it was my mom dying when I was young - I missed having an adult female in my life in my early pre-teens which seems to be when most girls are learning to do their own hair and all of that crap. And I missed out on a lot of it in my teen years too, somehow. And in college I was a slob wearing pajamas and sweats like everyone else. But I want to feel like I look pretty. Is that wrong? It feels kind of wrong, and I guess it is a little vain, but it's still healthier to binge on beauty products than on pizza and chocolate.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Regrouping

Sorry for my not so happy posts recently ... I think the ups & downs are only exacerbated by the fact that I chose to rejoin WW in the winter holiday season. I honestly don't know if I will come out of this weighing any less, but I do know that I will come out of this season weighing less than I would have if I wasn't even trying.

This week is going to be a challenge, but I have done what I could to minimize temptation. I need to hit up the grocery store this evening because we are all out of good foods. I didn't have anything to bring for lunch today, so I will have to go to the salad bar at the cafe in my office building - last time I got a salad with greens & grilled chicken & a little bit of feta and balsamic vinaigrette, it was totally scrumptious and filling, so that is going to be my lunch. Tomorrow my department has a holiday lunch at a BBQ joint, but I have a good idea as to what I can order off the menu to stay on track (either a salad with grilled chicken or steak & dressing on the side, or a sandwich with a side of veggies). Thursday I was supposed to go to yet another lunch, this one at a Chinese buffet, but this one wasn't mandatory (the holiday lunch was, blegh), so I declined the invite. There is also a dessert party at our office on Thursday, so there is enough temptation for me to deal with there.

jeans Friday is going to be a great day though. I am rejoining WW with their new monthly pass on Friday morning before work! I am extremely excited. It's great timing too since it's the first week of the new WW program, though this center has participated in the pilot of this program so most everyone there is familiar with it.

In other news...I found some new motivation. I want some non-plus size jeans so bad! If only I can get into a 14 or 16 misses...I could get some jeans like these which make me drool. I hate being restricted to Lane Bryant and the Avenue. Especially because Lane Bryant seems to be going downhill in terms of quality and styling ever since they were bought out by Charming Shoppes (the owners of Fashion Bug). I want to shop at Ann Taylor Loft and The Gap and The Limited and Banana Republic! And Anthropologie! And I will!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Not Good

I have been feeling tired, overwhelmed, and anxious for the past week or so, and consequently have been off program. I need to refocus, but I can't even think straight. Between work and home and holidays...life just feels like a whirlwind. I spent all weekend traveling so I feel like I have missed a chance to recharge my batteries, which I sorely need to do. Why when I am tired do I feel the need to eat to recharge my batteries? You know what would be even better? Just letting myself relax, soak in a hot bubble bath, watch some tv on the couch in my flannel pajamas, have some hot tea or even a glass of wine, getting to sleep really early. I also feel like getting some cleaning done would help me to relax - one week of slacking off has turned my home into a pit.

Anyway, I have to go to a training class for work so I've got to run. But I am updating to admit that I have been off program but I am working on it. I need to take care of myself, not only with good food and exercise, but with rest and stress-relief and relaxation. I deserve it.

I can't wait until New Year's. I hereby declare that I will *not* throw a party. Instead I will wear pajamas and drink champagne and make a WW friendly crudite plate and watch movies with my husband. WW.com actually has a recipe for a healthy cheese fondue as well...maybe we will have a New Year's fondue party for just the two of us.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Chocolates Galore

At work, one of the upper managers brought in a basket the size of a large laundry basket filled to the brim with every chocolate treat imaginable. I started out trying to have what I really wanted (one chocolate covered pretzel) and resisting the rest. However, as the day progressed and I got to watch more and more people walking by nibbling on assorted deliciousness, I broke down and took a Lindt truffle and a handful of peanut M&Ms and chocolate covered cherries (about 5 of each). For me, a little is never enough. I'm craving and craving and craving!

But it's not going to be a big deal if I can let the last dip into the chocolate stash be the end of it. I can go home and have my planned food and planned workout and by tomorrow, the chocolate cravings will be history.

It's just so hard to know it's sitting there. What's worse is that even though a large part of me knows that I want to lose weight and considers that a top priority, there is another part of me that wants the chocolate more than anything else, like a 4 year old kid throwing a tantrum. This part of me is making excuses and trying to justify having some more. These parts of me battle with each other constantly. My little food brat who wants the chocolate also wants me to bag the entire month of December.

"It's just too much of a pain in the ass," it says. "What's the point? You're already struggling and you're not going to accomplish anything anyway. You can't possibly stay OP. Why stress yourself out about it? Give it to deliciousness!"

I really need to shut that food brat up. I may not accomplish tremendous weight loss this month, but at the very least I am not going to gain weight. I hopefully will lose a few pounds. But I will not gain weight.

I just hate all of these upcoming holiday meals - work-sponsored holiday lunches at restaurants with nothing but artery-cloggers on the menu. Food filled treats all over the office. A long weekend at DH's grandparents' with lots of food. Then DH's birthday. If there was just *one* event, *one* splurge ... I know I could handle it. But wtf? There are like 3 things happening each week.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Le Sigh

I have been feeling physically crappy lately. Just tired & dragging. And even when I physically perk myself up, my brain feels like it's fat and lazy. I imagine my brain wearing sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, lounging on a sofa watching bad tv and eating potato chips straight from the bag. I don't know how to get my brain active again where I don't feel so slow & sluggish.

I also had a bit of a hissyfit this morning. So few of my clothes fit right. Most days I wear v-neck t-shirts layered over camis and under a cardigan. I feel too casual and kind of frumpy. Most of my pants don't fit. For some reason, the 2 pairs of jeans I bought at the Avenue like to spontaneously come unzipped. I'm sick of it. So today @ lunch I am going to Lane Bryant to get a couple pairs of pants and a few tops that fit nicely and make me feel good. Thank goodness for the gazillion coupons they send me. $50 off of $150 is good stuff.

Well, so far today is fairly OP. I got a bagel with light cc and coffee for breakfast. Not the best, but not the worst. Lunchtime I dunno what I'm going to do. I forgot to bring a frozen dinner for lunch, but since I'll be at the mall, I might grab either a half tuna sandwich from Au Bon Pain or maybe some chicken teriyaki from the Japanese place. I have to look up points values for stuff.

Since I feel sorta draggy and pathetic lately, I have made a decision to start going to WW meetings. I don't want to go on the weekends, so I've decided to make myself go to the 8 am meetings on Friday mornings before going to work. Their Monthly Pass is such a good deal, it's so tempting. And maybe the extra accountability is what I need.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Thinking about November

I am thinking about the previous month, and how stupid it is that I feel bad about it. True, I did not lose a ton of weight or meet any huge milestones, but I did something even more significant. I stopped wishing I was working to get healthy, and I started taking action. I started exercising again, started watching what I ate and writing it down. I started stepping on the scale regularly instead of trying to pretend that it didn't exist. I stopped wishing that I'd get my shit together, and instead I started doing something about it.

It doesn't matter how much weight I'm down, the point is that I didn't gain weight and I didn't even maintain. I lost weight. Even if the balance only winds up being 3 pounds, I lost weight during the Thanksgiving month.

So you know what? I did good.

To help me continue doing something about my health & weight, I bought two new workout videos. Target had what seems like compilations of WATP videos. There were 2 compilations, and each had one of the videos I was planning on getting. I'd been planning on buying Walk & Kick and the 4-mile workout. The compilation that had the Walk & Kick had copies of the other WATP workouts I already have on it (1-mile, 2-mile, & 3-mile), but the other one that had the 4-mile workout had Walk & Jog (which I don't have) and a 1-mile muscle walk (or whatever it's called). So I got the 4-mile one, and I just ordered the Walk & Kick by itself from Amazon just now - I should get it on Wednesday thanks to Amazon prime.

One thing I am sort of mentally struggling with is what the best way for me to keep track of my food is. I failed to buy a Quiktrak journal on Friday because I misread the meetings schedule and the WW center was closed. I think I like the Quiktrak Journal best though. It's nicely organized and it feels so good to thumb back through completed pages. Alternatives include a regular nice notebook, WW Online (which I subscribe to but mostly for the calculators & recipe builder), and just logging it on BCB which I already do.

I'll probably just try again to get a Quiktrak journal - that's clearly what I really want, and it's really cheap (like $4 for a 12 week journal). Whenever i think about going to the WW center, I once again consider signing up for meetings ... but I know I'll just quit again. I know this is stupidly neurotic of me, but I only believe in weighing in first thing in the morning before eating or drinking anything, and while wearing the same outfit. This means that I can only do meetings (& weigh ins) on weekend mornings. Since I sometimes go away on the weekend, and sometimes sleep until very late and all the meetings are over, and the meetings are not that close to me...well, let's just say I have a track record for bagging the meetings.

I am more seriously contemplating joining Gold's gym in January. I'm enjoying working out at home right now, but eventually I'd like to start lifting some weights and using some quality cardio machines, and maybe even taking some classes to mix things up. Well, the gym is always there, for whenever I am ready. Since I'm enjoying home workouts, I should probably just continue with that until I feel like I need to change things around.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Bad news & Good news...

The bad news is I think I'm getting my period. I have cramps. Ow.

The good news is if I'm PMS-ing, that might be part of why I'm 3 lbs up this week, and maybe it's just bloat.

Hello, December!

Let's see if I can spend an entire month OP.

Despite one trip to Jersey and one trip to the Cape this month, I think it's do-able. Oh, and dinner at the Melting Pot for K's birthday. That's going to be the most tricky part I think, since it's the same WW week as Christmas. I would really like to give his mother a stern talking to about giving birth to my husband 2 days after Christmas. It really makes lots of things a pain in the ass.

I do have a confession to make though. I gained 3 lbs this week! I blame my 4-5 day Thanksgiving "break" from WW. By "break", I mean binge-fest. This is why it is a struggle to lose a single pound, but when I stop thinking about my goals, I pack 3 back on like it's absolutely nothing. I'm totally sick of it. It's not worth it. It wouldn't have happened if I had just enjoyed Thanksgiving and gotten right back on track the very next day.

Anyway...let's let bygones be bygones and focus on the present and the future. Today at lunch I'm going to try & pick up a 12-week WW QuikTrak diary, and then go to Target and see if I can find a workout DVD that looks appealling. I was going to make turkey chili tonight but when I went to the store ... I got everything for chili except the ground turkey breast! Gah! So I'm going to make it tomorrow ... tonight instead I'm probably just going to pick up some Panera or Subway for the husband and I. Or maybe talk him into taking me out for sushi. I'm feeling super tired and lazy so I'm not going to the grocery store after work for a second night in a row.

I *am* going to exercise tonight though.

In other news I have been doing well with tackling other things in my life that I had been putting off. I've made doctor's appts I needed to make, got my car damage appraised (finally), sent out more than half of our thank you notes, and have even been working on my writing quite a bit. I just have a huge project at work that's due Monday that I may have to take home with me over the weekend...so...I gotta stop blogging and get cracking on that. I am so tempted to procrastinate, but it's gotta get done one way or another.

Oh! I did want to ask though...a few months ago someone had given me a link to an online tool where you plugged in your weekly weight & your goal weight and it made a nice chart, plotting what it thought you would do and your actual progress on the graph. It was totally web-based and easy to use. If anyone knows what I'm talking about (my Google-fu is failing me), I will be forever grateful if you give me the link!