Reflecting
So, as I mentioned, yesterday was a rough day for me, emotionally. I had a few bouts of tears throughout the day, including one in the afternoon at my desk at work, which I tried to hide as best I could. It was good that I had an appointment with my therapist after work, and on my way home from that appointment, one of my mom's favorite songs (and the song I always associate with her), "Walking on Sunshine" came on the radio. I started laughing and crying and thought maybe it was some kind of omen - maybe, maybe not. But on some level it made me feel like things would be ok.
One of the things that always troubles me when I think about myself and my mom is my weight issues and food issues. My mom struggled her whole life with the same things. I have a journal she kept from when she was in Overeaters Anonymous and I do see a lot of myself in what she wrote.
And at the same time - I feel so incredibly sad because I know my mom would have wanted this obsession to end with her. I know this sounds awful, but I feel guilty because I think she would be disappointed in me. Maybe not disappointed in ME, but disappointed that this trend continued into the next generation.
I am learning though ... I am starting to feel very sure that sugar is the problem right now, the problem with my feeling out of control with food. Yesterday I ate moderate meals and I was very careful to not eat sweets or foods with a high amount of sugar. I had 2 times when I had some serious cravings - after lunch (which was a Lean Cuisine pizza and was possibly too high in sugar and refined carbs) and after dinner (which was balanced and healthy but I had 2 glasses of red wine which are high in sugar). Both times I made healthier snack choices - water, almonds, cottage cheese, and a pear after lunch (over the course of the afternoon), and a small bowl of plain Cheerios with milk for "dessert".
I'm starting to try to get into cooking again as well. I made a big pot of turkey/veggie chili on Sunday, and we have a bunch of leftovers in the fridge & freezer. Last night I used a 2-serving box of a "pasta side" to make a full meal - I sauteed a cut up chicken breast with some garlic and onion and zucchini and mixed that in with the pasta stuff. It came out really good. Last night & this morning I prepped ingredients for tonight's dinner which is in the Crockpot as we speak. Basically it is boneless pork chops, sweet onions, apples, and potatoes. I'll zap a bag of Steamfresh veggies when I get home and dinner will be complete.
So, at the very least, yesterday I let myself feel what I needed to feel, but didn't drown my sorrows too much in food or booze (ok, 2 glasses of wine). Today I am working on staying moderate with food as well. I have planned out all my meals and thus far am doing well and feeling balanced. I have almonds, 2 pieces of fruit, and cottage cheese for snacks if I get hungry. I have a Lean Cuisine panini for lunch. And I don't even have to worry about dinner since it's already cooking.
I'd also really like to exercise tonight. I know that will help my energy levels and mood, but I've been so lax about working out. Since I don't have to cook dinner tonight though, I will make it a priority. 2-mile WATP here I come.
One of the things that always troubles me when I think about myself and my mom is my weight issues and food issues. My mom struggled her whole life with the same things. I have a journal she kept from when she was in Overeaters Anonymous and I do see a lot of myself in what she wrote.
And at the same time - I feel so incredibly sad because I know my mom would have wanted this obsession to end with her. I know this sounds awful, but I feel guilty because I think she would be disappointed in me. Maybe not disappointed in ME, but disappointed that this trend continued into the next generation.
I am learning though ... I am starting to feel very sure that sugar is the problem right now, the problem with my feeling out of control with food. Yesterday I ate moderate meals and I was very careful to not eat sweets or foods with a high amount of sugar. I had 2 times when I had some serious cravings - after lunch (which was a Lean Cuisine pizza and was possibly too high in sugar and refined carbs) and after dinner (which was balanced and healthy but I had 2 glasses of red wine which are high in sugar). Both times I made healthier snack choices - water, almonds, cottage cheese, and a pear after lunch (over the course of the afternoon), and a small bowl of plain Cheerios with milk for "dessert".
I'm starting to try to get into cooking again as well. I made a big pot of turkey/veggie chili on Sunday, and we have a bunch of leftovers in the fridge & freezer. Last night I used a 2-serving box of a "pasta side" to make a full meal - I sauteed a cut up chicken breast with some garlic and onion and zucchini and mixed that in with the pasta stuff. It came out really good. Last night & this morning I prepped ingredients for tonight's dinner which is in the Crockpot as we speak. Basically it is boneless pork chops, sweet onions, apples, and potatoes. I'll zap a bag of Steamfresh veggies when I get home and dinner will be complete.
So, at the very least, yesterday I let myself feel what I needed to feel, but didn't drown my sorrows too much in food or booze (ok, 2 glasses of wine). Today I am working on staying moderate with food as well. I have planned out all my meals and thus far am doing well and feeling balanced. I have almonds, 2 pieces of fruit, and cottage cheese for snacks if I get hungry. I have a Lean Cuisine panini for lunch. And I don't even have to worry about dinner since it's already cooking.
I'd also really like to exercise tonight. I know that will help my energy levels and mood, but I've been so lax about working out. Since I don't have to cook dinner tonight though, I will make it a priority. 2-mile WATP here I come.
2 Comments:
Oh man, I really understand this whole post and the feelings that go along with it. I often feel like my mom too, who went up and down with her weight. It doesn't help that I look in the mirror and see legs that look exactly like hers at my age...gah!
hey! i haven't read enough of you (will continue) to know if your mom is still living, but i know what you mean about thinking she would be disappointed or saddened or something at my struggles. she also struggled with weight, though nearly so much as i have. but she'd go up and down 10-30 pounds and she was obsessed with my weight. . . . lots to think about there.
i am on my 3d day of sugar withdrawal. i've spent a lot of time in oa and aa and i have come to believe after grappling with this for 25 freakin years that i am as much an addict with sugar as i ever was with alcohol and as i could have been with cocaine and heroin. it just happens that my white powdery drug of choice is sugar. i was coming out of my skin on monday and today it's better. i know that withdrawal only lasts a short time ~ once my body's clear of the drug, then it's just the mental obsession i'll have to deal with. but my goodness, things look much brighter just getting this poison out of my body . . .
thanks for writing this. i'm amazed that i was thinking "i wonder if anyone else feels about sugar as i do," clicked on you and tada!! there you were. :-)
lynette
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home