Reminder to Self

All I have to do is stay OP (On Program) for today. I can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time.

I find it really scary when I think about the "future". Will I really be able to lose all this weight? Will I ever see goal? Will I fail like I have before? It's scary to think about failing again. But maybe it's also a little scary to picture myself at my goal. I have never been as thin (as an adult) as I am planning to be. My goal weight is approx 140-145. Even as a teenager at my fittest I was in the 150's. Chubby but not really fat. It's scary to go where no Shrinky has gone before.

But I think it's more scary to spend another year wondering what life would be if I hadn't gone off the program, if I hadn't gone hog-wild with eating over the holidays, if I hadn't skipped the gym for two straight months. It's scary to think about never getting to shop at regular stores, to feel confident in a bathing suit, to feel comfortable on a rollercoaster or airplane seat (though, really, are skinny people comfortable in airplane seats? I'm starting to wonder.). It's scary to think about never having experienced life as a 20-something at a weight I could be happy with.

I've already wasted my teens and the first half of my twenties with being overweight and obsessed and unhappy with it. Sad, but true. My teens I wasn't even that overweight, but in my adolescent mind I was an unacceptable human being. Right now, in my twenties, I know I am extremely overweight, obese even, and again I feel like an unacceptable human being.

But I am an acceptable human being, I'm a wonderful human being, a smart, funny, and even beautiful human being. And I deserve to experience being thin and healthy. And to not hate myself or beat myself up or throw in the towel.