What's up?

I don't know why I don't exercise more regularly - today I went for a walk after the afternoon's heat had cooled off a bit, and it was just wonderful. It felt so good to get out and move. And I am just really lucky to have moved to a really beautiful neighborhood with all kinds of trees and flowers and wildlife and friendly people scurrying about. And it felt so good afterwards, too.

Hopefully now that I have my new ipod nano, I will be getting out there more & more frequently. Nothing motivates me to move like some good music.

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I am participating in a weight loss challenge as of this coming Monday, being hosted by FatBlokeThin. I don't usually do challenges/contests but I figure I can use some friendly competition as motivation right now. I figure even the person who loses the least percentage is still a winner because they are that much closer towards their goal.

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In other news...I have kind of been wavering on the Satiatrim that I mentioned below. The only flavor I like is chocolate (which is pretty good), but it's becoming clear to me that a lot of my hunger isn't physical at all, and so a protein-rich drink isn't going to fix that. I do notice that it is physically filling, which is great for 1 point...but when I crave certain foods or have the urge to binge, it isn't due to hunger. It's due to a need to soothe myself or calm myself down.

I have noticed that lately a big trigger for bingeing has been social anxiety. I don't feel nearly so shy as I used to, but I find that in crowded places I get extremely anxious to the point of feeling like I will have a panic attack (basically I get dizzy, start sweating, flushing, and have trouble breathing). The worst place for this lately has been the supermarket. It's a busy town and the good supermarket is always crowded...and I start out ok, but as people are pushing by, crowding the aisles, blocking the way, shouting at each other, etc...I just start to feel ill with the above symptoms. And what I need to do is go someplace quiet and take some deep breaths, and I've tried to do that, to go into a corner of the store for a few moments, but no matter where I go it seems like someone is trying to push me out of the way to get to a shelf or something. Even when I tried to hide next to the frigging yeast infection treatments for a couple minutes! I mean, COME ON!

The more that tension builds, the less rational I feel and I start to fantasize about getting into my car and being alone. And I see all of these amazing treats in the supermarket and it makes the reward of getting to be alone that much better, makes the rest of the shopping trip seem more bearable, to imagine how in a half an hour I will be alone and have quiet and will have the sweet rush of sugar to soothe my fried nerves.

Anyway, I am hoping that writing this down will help me. I have an Rx for panic attacks, unfortunately it is sedating and I could not drive after taking it. I am going to try to scope out some other supermarkets that are a little farther away to see if they are less crowded, and also try finding less busy times to go.

It just weirds me out because this is such a new thing. Crowds never used to bother me so much...now I just feel almost claustrophobic. I can't remember feeling this anxious since before I started taking SSRI's for the anxiety/depression.

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On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, and that is always a wonderful thing. It starts a fresh new WW week for me and I have made a game plan for the day and am feeling pretty optimistic. I don't really know why I gave up on WW the last time. Sometimes I really don't understand myself.

One thing I would like to do is go back through my older blog posts and my older forum posts from when I was doing well through when I fell off the wagon and see if I can see what might have triggered it.

Workout Music

I just ordered myself an ipod nano because my old ipod mini no longer holds a charge and is thus only useful for listening to when actively charging (like in the car). I really only like to exercise when I can bring my tunes with me, so this is a good investment in my physical fitness. I am itching to get outside and start walking more and being more active!

Here are some songs that are really making me want to get out there and move...in other words, the seeds of my near-future workout playlist. Recommend me more!

Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
Metallica - Fuel
Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
Rage Against the Machine - Renegades of Funk
Sattelite Party - Wish Upon a Dog Star
Three Days Grace - Pain
P.O.D. - Boom
Saliva - Click, Click, Boom
The Cult - Love Removal Machine

Trying another new thing!

I didn't mention it earlier, but a couple weeks ago Dr. Portman from Pacific Laboratories e-mailed me through this blog and asked me if I wanted to try out this drink called Satiatrim. I'm generally very skeptical of diet products, but the ingredients are fairly innocuous (it seems to be mainly a low-calorie protein drink that should make you feel fuller before you eat a meal), and it was free and, well, I'm kind of at the end of my rope these days. So today the box of Satiatrim finally came, filled with these cute little juice boxes. I immediately stuck one in the freezer so it would be chilled enough to drink before dinner, and I'm drinking it now.

Has anyone else tried Satiatrim yet? I did some searching and I did find another weight loss blog who is also trying out Satiatrim. She seems to like it. It's worth a shot, right?

The mixed berry flavor, what I'm drinking now, has a really familiar taste. It almost, but not quite, tastes like the creamy pink liquid antibiotics I would take as a kid. It's not bad though, definitely drinkable. Other than the taste, I don't have a whole lot to tell you about it yet since I am just sipping my first box now.

I've lost a little weight these past two weeks, and yet I'm not feeling all that psyched. I thought the hypnosis was going to help me to feel motivated and empowered, but I am still waking up in the middle of the night bingeing. I still think I am going to go to the lap-band surgery seminar in August. If nothing else, I need to scare myself into getting my act together.

Tonight as I was driving home, I was thinking about why on earth I do this to myself. It's very obviously a way of punishing myself for something. And yet, it's the laziest way of punishing myself there is. I could punish myself with a diet, but I would have to face the constant reminder of hunger. Instead I punish myself with overeating. It's easy to make myself forget that I'm fat except for when I'm trying to do or wear things that my weight holds me back from.

I just don't understand how I can be this fat. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem real. This is most people's nightmares. When did my fear of hitting 200 turn to a fear of hitting 300? How did I ever get closer to 300 than 200? Why was it so easy to get to this place???

You are getting very sleepy...

Yesterday I went to a hypnotist. I know a lot of people are skeptical about hypnosis, and I am a little too, but because of how desperate I've been feeling, it seemed like it was worth seeing if hypnosis could help me regain some positivity with regards to getting back on track. Because, really, I've just been feeling like "What's the point of trying this time?"

At any rate, it cost $80 for the first session, which was 2.5 hours long, so it seemed like it was worth trying. The first hour and a half was mostly just having a conversation about what my obstacles are, and working together to come up with a plan not just for weight loss, but to bring health back into my life. And he helped me to reframe things and come up with some exercises to keep reminding myself of where I am now headed. If nothing else, it was worth it for that hour and a half alone. It really did help me feel like I can do this - and that I am doing this. The hypnosis was relaxing, but I actually had been hypnotized before and felt that my nerves were getting in the way this time. I am not sure I was fully under. But I have a follow-up session next Friday.

In other news, somehow despite not having a very good week, I am down 2.2 lbs. And that is with having weighed in on a full stomach.

Old Navy Update

They did send me a personal response to my e-mail, which impresses me. Most companies will send back a form e-mail after a day or two. I sent my e-mail to them late last night and received my response, a lengthy letter that addressed all of my concerns, around 11 am this morning.

This does make me feel a little less pissed about the whole situation. It's frustrating, but it seems like maybe they do care about Customer Service.

The bad news, though, is that they confirmed that they are removing Women's Plus from all Old Navy stores. I did write back to say that I find that disappointing, but in any case that I wish they would fix the Store Locator so it no longer claims certain stores carry Women's Plus when they do not.

I think, in the grand scheme of things, that is what upset me the most. That I had confirmed online that they carried what I wanted, only to be disappointed right there in the store.

Old Navy Disappointment

Tuesday after work, I was extremely psyched because not only did I have the rest of the week off, but I had received an e-mail from Old Navy showing off some really fabulous-looking jeans that came in Women's Plus! Classic rise, wide leg, dark rinse...heaven! So I was very jazzed to take off after work and check these babies out in person so I could see what size fit me and, you know, buy some.

Imagine my surprise when the Old Navy in Nashua, NH - which I have been to many times and enjoyed their Women's Plus section, and which is STILL listed on Old Navy's online Store Locator as carrying Women's Plus - no longer had a Women's Plus section. They did have a Women's Plus sign. The Women's Plus sign was placed above 3 racks of clothes. 2 and a half of those racks carried regular women's clearance merch. The other half rack carried out of season Women's Plus leftovers and returns.

I figured this had to be a mistake, that these jeans I wanted so badly were just hidden somewhere, so I asked a salesperson. She pointed me back towards the half-rack of crap. I said that it wasn't really a Women's Plus section, and she just said "Well, that's all we have."

I don't know why this hit me as hard as it did. But seeing throngs of other people happily shopping and grabbing clothes, and realizing that I couldn't do the same thing because I'm fat and thus clearly worthless...I managed to hold off crying until I got in my car. Then I started bawling and bawled the whole ride home. And then I crawled into bed and bawled some more and slept for the rest of the afternoon. And it pisses me off to admit it, but I still feel totally upset over the whole thing.

I have to admit, I have been feeling EXTREMELY down on myself lately & my inability to control my weight. I talked to my new doctor about this last month, and she said she could prescribe me some Xenical if I wanted it. Which I really don't. And I've been doing a lot of soul searching and deep thinking and all I can come up with right now is negativity and self loathing.

So pardon me if I decide to try & boost my spirits and self image by buying some clothes that might fit nicely. Pardon me for wanting to try them on in person, like any normal person would. Pardon me for thinking that the days when fat chicks had to order their clothes via catalog/mail order exclusively were over. Pardon me for wanting to spend money at your fucking store.

I could order them online, but I'm not. It's hard not to, because they look really awesome and like the exact jeans I have been looking for. But I'm angry. And I think I have a right to be. I'll give my money to Lane Bryant, who is willing to cater to me in the flesh instead of solely over the Internet...who will let me try on clothes and window shop and browse. I'll give my money to The Avenue for the same reasons. And should I finally reach my goal weight and cast plus sizes aside, I will shop at stores owned by the parent companies of LB & Avenue, and not at Old Navy, the Gap, Banana Republic, or Piper Lime.

Because FUCK THEM, that's why.

Reminders

Well, if you have read my blog for any length of time, you're probably not surprised that I am wishy-washy about, well, everything. After tracking calories on Spark People *and* Fitday, I realized that WW points just feel a lot easier & more intuitive to track. And I still have my eTools account. So, you know what? I am going to track what I eat in terms of Points.

I don't know exactly what I feel towards Weight Watchers. I mean, it never really failed, it was I who failed. And looking back at my past menus, it seems fairly obvious that my struggles were directly connected to the amount of sugar I was consuming. As my meals became more and more supplemented with 100-calorie packs and fat free puddings and Edy's Slow Churned ice cream and maple syrup on everything...yeah I might have technically been "OP" but I was lowering my resolve, eating things that never left me satisfied, things that only ever left me wanting more and more and more.

I don't know why I sabotage myself so much. It just feels good to overeat, I'm not going to lie. A lot of people say they get disgusted with themselves right after they overeat - but not me. I feel good, almost high. It makes me really happy. Yes, when I am upset about my weight I wind up regretting all the overeating, but I just have trouble controlling my impulses and my overwhelming desire for instant gratification, instant comfort.

I think what is really missing from my life is some sort of reminder that occurs when I start to sabotage myself. Because I don't think. I don't contemplate the repercussions or the alternatives. I don't remember to ask myself what I *really* need, or what else would make me feel good or comforted. With me, eating is fast. I can go from desire to eat to finding something appealing to eat to devouring it in no time flat. I want what I want and I'm not likely to open the fridge and say "Hmm, what is a good choice?" It's more like "Mmm, peanut butter!" and then the jar is half gone.

I know anchoring is a WW tool to remind yourself of your past successes to keep you inspired to stay on track, blah blah blah, but again, I can have an anchor, but if I don't remember to ponder it, what's the point?

I can hang stuff up, signs and whatnot, but human beings are very good at blocking out things they are used to seeing and don't really want to see. A shock collar might work, but I think that might be frowned upon in public. Maybe it is just something I need to consciously work on and practice. Pausing and thinking before choosing a meal or snack. Just getting into that habit would be a success, even if sometimes I still choose the less healthy choice.

Day One

Last night I did wake up in the middle of the night & binge. Two bowls of cereal. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I've been doing this almost every night since we moved. When I wake up I do not think clearly. I just am driven to do it so I do. It's not actual hunger, I don't think. Though I have stopped eating a nighttime snack before bed, so maybe that is contributing to the problem.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and weighed myself. 269.4. That's 10 lbs higher (give or take) than the last time I weighed myself. I am upset, but not really surprised. I *was* upset when I plugged my weight into Fitday and on its little chart where it says Underweight, Normal, Overweight, Obese... it had a little arrow pointing to the right of "Obese" with the caption "Off the Chart".

I am off the chart obese.

And yet I continue to lie to myself when I want to rationalize a snack, telling myself "I'm not that bad...." I am that bad. I am very, very fat. I don't often see it when I look in the mirror. But someone who is 5'4" and 269 lbs is very, very fat.

Maybe it's not that I try to rationalize my weight ... maybe I am just in denial. Like someone who has cancer but refuses to accept it. Do I refuse to accept my weight problem? I can't ignore it easily. Every time I go shopping I have to grab larger and larger size clothes. Some 2x shirts I bought are snug and make me feel self conscious. I have pants that are a size 26. Some of my 24's are snug right out of the wash. A year ago, I remember crying when I had to go up to a 22. Two years ago, I was in an 18.

Anyway, there isn't much of a point in dwelling on self-pity and regret. I am what I am right now, and as much as I might wish I could go back and edit my previous food selections and activity choices, I cannot. All I have control of is what I am going to do with what I have right now.

As I had mentioned, my plan was to sign up with Fitday...however, already feeling stung from being declared "Off the Chart", I found logging my breakfast and planned lunch to be a total pain in the ass. Their food database leaves much to be desired, and some of their nutritional facts are just way off! (1 cup of tempura is in no way ~100 calories and ~7 grams of fat!!!) I plugged my same info into Spark People and I found it a lot easier with a more extensive food database and more realistic nutrition info. Thus, I have decided to use Spark People as my log. I was excited to find that I can also share my meal tracker via Spark People.

So, to reiterate my plan:

• Logging my meals into Spark People.
• Taking a walk or doing some physical activity daily.
• Writing in this journal on a daily basis.

I'll add more guidelines as I progress with this. It's going to be hard not to be impatient while I make some slower changes, but I cannot go on the way I am.