Why I've been struggling...
I think today it hit me that I'm feeling kind of depressed. I'm anxious about a lot of little things, and when I let myself put them aside, I still don't feel relaxed, I just feel sad. I don't know why I feel so sad...I just can't get myself excited about any of the things I enjoy right now. Watching a movie, reading my book, taking a bubble bath, playing a video game ... I don't know why I can't seem to get excited about any of it. I want to go home after work and feel relaxed and cheerful and make dinner and then do a couple things that are fun. But I don't feel like it.
I guess maybe I've used up a lot of energy being anxious about things, from my friend's upcoming wedding (and the corresponding bachelorette/shower stuff), possibly/probably buying a house soon, sticking to WW, cleaning the apartment, and I don't know what else. I just have a lot of things in the not-too-distant future, so I'm really antsy to get them over with. I keep looking ahead to when J's wedding is over and I don't have to be the maid of honor anymore, to when we find our house and get all the red tape dealt with, to when I've lost some more weight and have reached my 10%. And it leaves me little energy to think about right now, because I don't want it to be right now, I want to skip past all my stressors and relax.
But there is never really a time in life when there is no stress, is there? There is always something I can find to stress out about. I have to learn to stop worrying so much about what's coming up and savor the time I have right now. Life is too short to want to hit the fast-forward button. But I think that's part of what's been dragging me down the past few days...wishing every day was Friday, WI day, so I can get my pat on the back and positive reinforcement. I wish when I woke up I wasn't a maid of honor anymore, and didn't have to worry about whether my bridesmaids dress is going to need a ton of alterations or what the hell we are going to do about the shower. I wish that when payday comes on Friday, I could just pay off my entire credit card right now, instead of letting it take the 5 months it's going to take (it's going to take 5 months and we are not closing on a house until it's done).
I'm impatient, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm sad. I need to slow down a bit, stop chomping at the bit to get things out of my way, and focus on little pleasures like hanging out with K and playing games with him and watching movies and reading my book. And I guess I need to just do those things whether I feel like it or not, because I'm not going to feel any better by moping about how I feel or complaining or just sulking in the corner.
With that said, it's snack time. Ttyl.
I guess maybe I've used up a lot of energy being anxious about things, from my friend's upcoming wedding (and the corresponding bachelorette/shower stuff), possibly/probably buying a house soon, sticking to WW, cleaning the apartment, and I don't know what else. I just have a lot of things in the not-too-distant future, so I'm really antsy to get them over with. I keep looking ahead to when J's wedding is over and I don't have to be the maid of honor anymore, to when we find our house and get all the red tape dealt with, to when I've lost some more weight and have reached my 10%. And it leaves me little energy to think about right now, because I don't want it to be right now, I want to skip past all my stressors and relax.
But there is never really a time in life when there is no stress, is there? There is always something I can find to stress out about. I have to learn to stop worrying so much about what's coming up and savor the time I have right now. Life is too short to want to hit the fast-forward button. But I think that's part of what's been dragging me down the past few days...wishing every day was Friday, WI day, so I can get my pat on the back and positive reinforcement. I wish when I woke up I wasn't a maid of honor anymore, and didn't have to worry about whether my bridesmaids dress is going to need a ton of alterations or what the hell we are going to do about the shower. I wish that when payday comes on Friday, I could just pay off my entire credit card right now, instead of letting it take the 5 months it's going to take (it's going to take 5 months and we are not closing on a house until it's done).
I'm impatient, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm sad. I need to slow down a bit, stop chomping at the bit to get things out of my way, and focus on little pleasures like hanging out with K and playing games with him and watching movies and reading my book. And I guess I need to just do those things whether I feel like it or not, because I'm not going to feel any better by moping about how I feel or complaining or just sulking in the corner.
With that said, it's snack time. Ttyl.
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