Getting Tough
I feel like I'm hitting a rough patch right now. This weekend wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Friday night I had a hard time being satisfied with dinner. Saturday as well, I just wanted to eat, and even after having a big dinner and using most of my WPAs, I still wanted a big dessert. I didn't have it, but that doesn't change the fact that inside my head I was kicking & screaming for a brownie sundae. And today...I went to the store and I made some food. I made a bad decision, which was to bake some WW mini cherry cheesecakes. I made them, ate two, and realized that I couldn't have these things in my home. So I threw them out. What a waste, I know ... but I feel like if they weren't in the trash, they'd be gone by tomorrow either way.
Why did I even think for a second it was ok to make mini cheesecakes? I know sugar is my problem. I've been doing fine without sweets in the house, my "desserts" being cereal (hot or cold) or a fruit smoothie.
I also bought some sugarfree pudding cups. I don't know if this is going to be trouble or not. Fortunately I don't like them *that* much.
I also bought some peanut butter. This has been a trigger food in the past. But I am desperate for more ways to get protein into my snacks...I am getting so sick of cottage cheese and eggs.
Since I'm confessing things I bought...I also bought some baked tortilla chips and salsa. This isn't so bad I guess. I wish I could have found some whole grain tortilla chips though. They just seem like empty calories.
I guess I'm just looking for ways to change up my meal routine. I like having similar things all week long, but I'd like to vary things on a weekly basis. It's hard though...so many typical snack foods are really just junk food. I want snacks that are really healthy as well as tasty and satisfying.
I guess this is just a little mental hurdle I am facing right now. I am still doing well. I just keep thinking back to summer of 2003 when I first did WW. I recently looked back at my weight loss chart from back then, and also other weight charts I had from 2004 and 2005. I forgot that I managed to go from 225 to the low 200's, and stay under 210 for at least 2 years. I wonder what really caused me to balloon. Was it my antidepressants? Stress? I just don't know. It seems like I gained so much so fast.
I keep looking in the mirror and touching my stomach and hips to see if I look or feel any different. I don't really, but sometimes I think maybe I do, just a little. But 9 pounds is just a drop in the bucket...I think I have a long way to go before I see some noticeable results. Many of my pants still feel snug after coming out of the dryer. No more snug than they did 9 pounds ago, but not noticeably less either. I want my 22's to get huge on me so I can go back to wearing the ten gazillion pairs of size 20 pants I have in my closet...and then for those to get huge so I can go back to wearing 18's. I haven't been under an 18 in a very long time...since sophomore year of college, actually. It's scary.
I also get these little bouts of feeling very excited. Like I forgot to do something simple and finally managed to remember after all this time. Like I'm really actually finally doing it! I wouldn't say something "clicked"...but it's like every other time was like getting on a bike and riding half a block and falling off. Now I've ridden about four blocks and I still don't feel too wobbly. I've been going to bed at night thinking about what it could be like in a couple of summers to feel ok wearing a bathing suit in public and to feel pretty when I dress up again.
And I think what's really amazing is that while I have certainly been focused, it's not the only thing on my mind. I haven't achieved that kind of balance for as long as I can remember.
So, I guess while things are tough, I have a lot to be happy & excited about. I need to remember how every day is a fresh start. Maybe this weekend was a little tough. Maybe today I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. But it's bedtime, and I can go to sleep and put it all behind me. When I wake up, it will be a brand new day with a clean slate and 1,000 little choices I can make to continue on the road to being the person I want to be.
Why did I even think for a second it was ok to make mini cheesecakes? I know sugar is my problem. I've been doing fine without sweets in the house, my "desserts" being cereal (hot or cold) or a fruit smoothie.
I also bought some sugarfree pudding cups. I don't know if this is going to be trouble or not. Fortunately I don't like them *that* much.
I also bought some peanut butter. This has been a trigger food in the past. But I am desperate for more ways to get protein into my snacks...I am getting so sick of cottage cheese and eggs.
Since I'm confessing things I bought...I also bought some baked tortilla chips and salsa. This isn't so bad I guess. I wish I could have found some whole grain tortilla chips though. They just seem like empty calories.
I guess I'm just looking for ways to change up my meal routine. I like having similar things all week long, but I'd like to vary things on a weekly basis. It's hard though...so many typical snack foods are really just junk food. I want snacks that are really healthy as well as tasty and satisfying.
I guess this is just a little mental hurdle I am facing right now. I am still doing well. I just keep thinking back to summer of 2003 when I first did WW. I recently looked back at my weight loss chart from back then, and also other weight charts I had from 2004 and 2005. I forgot that I managed to go from 225 to the low 200's, and stay under 210 for at least 2 years. I wonder what really caused me to balloon. Was it my antidepressants? Stress? I just don't know. It seems like I gained so much so fast.
I keep looking in the mirror and touching my stomach and hips to see if I look or feel any different. I don't really, but sometimes I think maybe I do, just a little. But 9 pounds is just a drop in the bucket...I think I have a long way to go before I see some noticeable results. Many of my pants still feel snug after coming out of the dryer. No more snug than they did 9 pounds ago, but not noticeably less either. I want my 22's to get huge on me so I can go back to wearing the ten gazillion pairs of size 20 pants I have in my closet...and then for those to get huge so I can go back to wearing 18's. I haven't been under an 18 in a very long time...since sophomore year of college, actually. It's scary.
I also get these little bouts of feeling very excited. Like I forgot to do something simple and finally managed to remember after all this time. Like I'm really actually finally doing it! I wouldn't say something "clicked"...but it's like every other time was like getting on a bike and riding half a block and falling off. Now I've ridden about four blocks and I still don't feel too wobbly. I've been going to bed at night thinking about what it could be like in a couple of summers to feel ok wearing a bathing suit in public and to feel pretty when I dress up again.
And I think what's really amazing is that while I have certainly been focused, it's not the only thing on my mind. I haven't achieved that kind of balance for as long as I can remember.
So, I guess while things are tough, I have a lot to be happy & excited about. I need to remember how every day is a fresh start. Maybe this weekend was a little tough. Maybe today I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. But it's bedtime, and I can go to sleep and put it all behind me. When I wake up, it will be a brand new day with a clean slate and 1,000 little choices I can make to continue on the road to being the person I want to be.
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