The Plan for Now
I have set myself 3 mini-goals to shoot for in the next few weeks, maybe months. My last weigh in brought me to 260.2 ... so my first mini-goal is to lose 5.2 lbs from there, which will bring me to 255. The next 2 mini-goals are 250 & 245.
It kind of kills me to think that achieving these weights is some major achievement, because it's still so much higher than I ever expected to get to. But I have to put the past behind me and focus on where I'm at and where I want to be. And I'm not going to get under 200 if I don't first hit 255, 250, and 245. Those 15 lbs won't magically go away.
Tomorrow I am going to my WW meeting. I skipped last week's ... I don't think I had a good reason to skip except that I wasn't feeling "on" in terms of WW and I have been giving a friend a ride to work in the mornings. My husband was going to cover for me that morning, but I wound up saying it was ok, I'd do it, and skipping my meeting. This was not at my husband's urging, I just used giving E a ride as an excuse to get out of my meeting.
I'm really very good at making excuses when it behooves my inner brat. I'm really good at justifying the easy way out or immediate gratification.
I recently vented to some friends about how scared I am getting of my weight and how out of control I feel, and most of them are urging me to talk to a doctor because they think it's bizarre that my weight is so out of control. I will mention my concern about my weight to my doctor & endocrinologist, but I have to say I'm skeptical that there is a medical explanation for it. I mean, maybe it's a side effect of my anti-depressants. But the fact is that I eat way too much and I don't exercise regularly. It's not as if I'm eating right and working out and am still stuck at a high weight or gaining weight. I mean, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you counted my points on a "bad" day (of which I have a lot of when I am not actively being a WW nut) it would be over 70 points per day. My target is 33. Guess why I'm not losing weight unless I'm following WW strictly?
And yet I feel like there's a lot of enabling being done. I feel like people are constantly telling me to be easier on myself and to stop being such a perfectionist. But I'm very all-or-nothing in the way I do things...in the way I do almost everything. If I'm not being strict on WW, then heck, I am going hog-wild eating whatever strikes my fancy and beyond. And yes I really do know why that doesn't make any sense...but the thing is I have trouble listening to my body. I don't really have a sense of hunger or appetite. I'm basically always food focused. If it's there, and it's tasty, I want to eat it, and I will eat to the point of feeling sick or running out of tasty things to eat. Unless I am being somewhat strict with myself, and then I am still food-focused, but I'm deliberately limiting what I eat.
So, I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I could make a few little rules for myself, but there are a lot of rules I feel I should impose on myself that I wouldn't naturally follow.
For example, I feel like I should:
- Exercise more (at least 4-5x per week)
- Eat more fruit & vegetables
- Write down what I eat
- Not drink liquid calories, including alcohol, except maybe red wine
- Not keep sugar in the house and eat sugar-free foods when possible
- Drink more tea, especially green tea
- Drink more water, count the glasses of water I drink
- Try harder to remember to take vitamins
- Cook more at home instead of takeout & delivery & convenience foods
- Learn new recipes
...
There has to be more than that. My life is ruled by "shoulds" and "ought tos". Then again, WW is full of shoulds & ought-tos. Where is a happy medium in there that will get me some results? I once was very religious about my exercise program for 2 consecutive months - I went to the gym 4x per week and did 30 minutes of intense cardio along with alternating rotations of upper & lower body weight training. But I didn't change my eating. And I gained weight! Not much, but I gained when I expected to lose! Listen, you can tell me it was muscle, but if I'm not losing a single pound in 2 months, and I'm over 200 lbs at 5'4", that's a problem. No wonder I didn't stay motivated when I finally stepped on the scale!
So, some things need to change together. Diet and exercise, not one or the other. They are both in serious need of repair. But the enormity of the changes I have to make overwhelms the crap out of me. No wonder I tend to burn out after a couple weeks of being "good".
It kind of kills me to think that achieving these weights is some major achievement, because it's still so much higher than I ever expected to get to. But I have to put the past behind me and focus on where I'm at and where I want to be. And I'm not going to get under 200 if I don't first hit 255, 250, and 245. Those 15 lbs won't magically go away.
Tomorrow I am going to my WW meeting. I skipped last week's ... I don't think I had a good reason to skip except that I wasn't feeling "on" in terms of WW and I have been giving a friend a ride to work in the mornings. My husband was going to cover for me that morning, but I wound up saying it was ok, I'd do it, and skipping my meeting. This was not at my husband's urging, I just used giving E a ride as an excuse to get out of my meeting.
I'm really very good at making excuses when it behooves my inner brat. I'm really good at justifying the easy way out or immediate gratification.
I recently vented to some friends about how scared I am getting of my weight and how out of control I feel, and most of them are urging me to talk to a doctor because they think it's bizarre that my weight is so out of control. I will mention my concern about my weight to my doctor & endocrinologist, but I have to say I'm skeptical that there is a medical explanation for it. I mean, maybe it's a side effect of my anti-depressants. But the fact is that I eat way too much and I don't exercise regularly. It's not as if I'm eating right and working out and am still stuck at a high weight or gaining weight. I mean, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you counted my points on a "bad" day (of which I have a lot of when I am not actively being a WW nut) it would be over 70 points per day. My target is 33. Guess why I'm not losing weight unless I'm following WW strictly?
And yet I feel like there's a lot of enabling being done. I feel like people are constantly telling me to be easier on myself and to stop being such a perfectionist. But I'm very all-or-nothing in the way I do things...in the way I do almost everything. If I'm not being strict on WW, then heck, I am going hog-wild eating whatever strikes my fancy and beyond. And yes I really do know why that doesn't make any sense...but the thing is I have trouble listening to my body. I don't really have a sense of hunger or appetite. I'm basically always food focused. If it's there, and it's tasty, I want to eat it, and I will eat to the point of feeling sick or running out of tasty things to eat. Unless I am being somewhat strict with myself, and then I am still food-focused, but I'm deliberately limiting what I eat.
So, I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I could make a few little rules for myself, but there are a lot of rules I feel I should impose on myself that I wouldn't naturally follow.
For example, I feel like I should:
- Exercise more (at least 4-5x per week)
- Eat more fruit & vegetables
- Write down what I eat
- Not drink liquid calories, including alcohol, except maybe red wine
- Not keep sugar in the house and eat sugar-free foods when possible
- Drink more tea, especially green tea
- Drink more water, count the glasses of water I drink
- Try harder to remember to take vitamins
- Cook more at home instead of takeout & delivery & convenience foods
- Learn new recipes
...
There has to be more than that. My life is ruled by "shoulds" and "ought tos". Then again, WW is full of shoulds & ought-tos. Where is a happy medium in there that will get me some results? I once was very religious about my exercise program for 2 consecutive months - I went to the gym 4x per week and did 30 minutes of intense cardio along with alternating rotations of upper & lower body weight training. But I didn't change my eating. And I gained weight! Not much, but I gained when I expected to lose! Listen, you can tell me it was muscle, but if I'm not losing a single pound in 2 months, and I'm over 200 lbs at 5'4", that's a problem. No wonder I didn't stay motivated when I finally stepped on the scale!
So, some things need to change together. Diet and exercise, not one or the other. They are both in serious need of repair. But the enormity of the changes I have to make overwhelms the crap out of me. No wonder I tend to burn out after a couple weeks of being "good".
3 Comments:
Starting slow would probably help it not feel so overwhelming. Personally I find journalling my food really helps me and by doing so you'll probabaly kill a few birds with one stone. For instance, journalling everything you put in your mouth would probabaly help you keep track of how much water/green tea/vitimins you're having and knowning that you have to write it down helps you cut down on the stuff that's not as good for you. I use fitday myself but there are lots out there. (kind of like when you're wearing a pedometer and you find yourself taking the long way round the house for those few extra steps)
(sorry, longest comment ever)
i think your list of 'rules' is really great but tmaybe you should focus on one at a time (i'm sure you already know this so i apologize for sounding repetitive)... once you get one rule down, start on another and soon you'll be doing them all w/out thinking twice... looking at a long list can be overwhelming and pretty frightening, breaking it down will seem more doable... :o)
life would be so much easier if we could just 'wish' our weight away but sadly, that's not reality... any good result requires hard work, that's just the way it is... :o)
Just stay motivated and hang in there. Those weeks when you lose nothing will be depressing, but don't get too down. Losing weight slow is the best way.
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