Crapola

So, it's 1:30 am, and I should be asleep, but I'm in this stupid panic because the apartment is messy and it's making me feel completely neurotic. All I can think about is how much work there is to do. And how cold my feet were in bed when I tried to go to sleep at 11:30. Why are my feet always blocks of ice? I tossed and turned and tried all sorts of configurations of putting my feet as far up into my pajama pant cuffs as they would go, and sort of edging closer and closer to K, but not quite daring to put my icicle feet on him because even though I know what heavenly bliss it would be to steal his body heat, I think he'd jump 20 feet into the air and scream for an hour if I did that while he was sleeping...and I guess I'm just not that mean.

So I got up and turned the heat up a bit in the apartment (apparently it's 30 degrees outside!), and took a hot shower... but I still don't feel like I can sleep. I don't want to take something, but I pretty much have to, and it's pretty much going to be an Ativan because of my ridiculously high anxiety levels. Skyrocketing. Why? This makes no sense!

I guess I'm just uncomfortable. Not just from being cold or in a messy apartment. I just don't feel like the ground I'm on is stable yet. There's too many loose ends, things that need to be done, and I don't feel secure. All the stupid little things, finances, cleaning, name change, etc...getting back into the swing of things at work...it's just this whole pile of utter imperfection, not even that it's imperfect, but it's all just a big disaster. And me, Little Miss Virgo, I just cannot stand it, it makes me feel like things aren't stable yet and I can't let my guard down.

Ok...ok...ok...I am going to go take something to sleep, make a cup of tea, and try to unwind a little. ::: hyperventilates :::