Conquistador of Chaos
The wedding is coming up so fast. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get things done on time. Furthermore, today I have to run to the Police Station to submit my stupid accident report, and to town hall to pick up my marriage license. What a waste of a lunch break. I suppose while I do that, I'll be near home so I can stop in and have a lean cuisine since I forgot to bring lunch today.
Yesterday I posted a lot and honestly, even though maybe I'm bordering on providing TMI, it was really cathartic and I think I really have to do some digging to find out why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do.
I feel like my weight problems and other problems stem from some core things I taught myself years and years ago. For example, I have always been disorganized. I think Julie Morganstern (author of Organizing from the Inside Out & Time Management from the Inside Out) would refer to me as a "conquistador of chaos". I let things get out of control, and then swoop in and put things back together again. And try as I might, I just have never been able to reach that balance where I don't let things get out of control. And while it's great, sure, that I am able to fix my messes, it means that I spend a lot of time anxious about the disaster I have created, and then fixing it. Instead of living life, enjoying life, doing the things I really want. I mean, it's not my life goal to constantly be cleaning or dieting or trying to make an emergency financial plan.
Since elementary school I never did homework consistently. I wanted to, but I just couldn't get my shit together. I couldn't keep my room clean. I wanted to. But I just didn't have whatever it takes to remember to put things away when I was done with them. Or I would for like a week, and then I'd stop because I'd be distracted or something.
Ditto for every diet plan - whether you want to call them diets or a "way of life", I still could not do anything consistently for long, before something came up and I went to my old ways. Exercise too.
Oh and my finances, forget it. I've been in a cycle of disaster & self-rescue for ages. I make plenty of money to be able to live my life the way I want, but I let myself forget to be conscious of spending, forget to be conscious of how little & medium purchases add up and quickly exceed what I have leftover in my checking account after bills. I don't want to think about it so I don't, until it's time to save myself.
And I love saving myself. At least I used to, until recently when I realized that it's never been permanent and I always fall back into my old patterns...since realizing that, I feel more hopeless than anything. But the act of saving yourself, getting sudden clarity and focus, putting together a game plan, cleaning a mess up. It's a great feeling of ecstasy and it lifts me right out of the depression that got me into the mess in the first place. I plan routines to maintain my repaired life, and they last only as long as the ecstasy - probably about a week or two. Then I might begrudgingly maintain my routine for another week, half-assing it all along, realizing how boring or not fun it is, and then things fall apart.
So...do I know how I got into this pattern, or how to make it stop? No. But I guess this is something I should be poking at while trying to get to the bottom of things.
Yesterday I posted a lot and honestly, even though maybe I'm bordering on providing TMI, it was really cathartic and I think I really have to do some digging to find out why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do.
I feel like my weight problems and other problems stem from some core things I taught myself years and years ago. For example, I have always been disorganized. I think Julie Morganstern (author of Organizing from the Inside Out & Time Management from the Inside Out) would refer to me as a "conquistador of chaos". I let things get out of control, and then swoop in and put things back together again. And try as I might, I just have never been able to reach that balance where I don't let things get out of control. And while it's great, sure, that I am able to fix my messes, it means that I spend a lot of time anxious about the disaster I have created, and then fixing it. Instead of living life, enjoying life, doing the things I really want. I mean, it's not my life goal to constantly be cleaning or dieting or trying to make an emergency financial plan.
Since elementary school I never did homework consistently. I wanted to, but I just couldn't get my shit together. I couldn't keep my room clean. I wanted to. But I just didn't have whatever it takes to remember to put things away when I was done with them. Or I would for like a week, and then I'd stop because I'd be distracted or something.
Ditto for every diet plan - whether you want to call them diets or a "way of life", I still could not do anything consistently for long, before something came up and I went to my old ways. Exercise too.
Oh and my finances, forget it. I've been in a cycle of disaster & self-rescue for ages. I make plenty of money to be able to live my life the way I want, but I let myself forget to be conscious of spending, forget to be conscious of how little & medium purchases add up and quickly exceed what I have leftover in my checking account after bills. I don't want to think about it so I don't, until it's time to save myself.
And I love saving myself. At least I used to, until recently when I realized that it's never been permanent and I always fall back into my old patterns...since realizing that, I feel more hopeless than anything. But the act of saving yourself, getting sudden clarity and focus, putting together a game plan, cleaning a mess up. It's a great feeling of ecstasy and it lifts me right out of the depression that got me into the mess in the first place. I plan routines to maintain my repaired life, and they last only as long as the ecstasy - probably about a week or two. Then I might begrudgingly maintain my routine for another week, half-assing it all along, realizing how boring or not fun it is, and then things fall apart.
So...do I know how I got into this pattern, or how to make it stop? No. But I guess this is something I should be poking at while trying to get to the bottom of things.
Labels: introspection, journal
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