I'm Ready

As I mentioned, I am ready. Even though I did a lot of relaxing and recharging, I did a lot of thinking as well. I couldn't really help it. There were a lot of things I could have enjoyed a lot more and not been afraid to do had I been thinner, in better shape. On the plane, I had to lift the stupid armrest up between me & my husband because of my goddamn hips & thighs. There were at least 2 restaurants who had chairs that I could barely squeeze into for the same reason. And I wanted to try SCUBA or the faux SCUBA trips, but (and I didn't admit this until just now) I was terrified of being made to wear a wet suit or life jacket and not having them fit. Plus, there were all of these gorgeous bikini and sundress clad girls, and I couldn't help but feeling a little bit wistful, especially after looking in the giant mirrors in our hotel room at my body, and the fairly new stretch marks that now cover pretty much all of me from upper thighs to tummy to breasts. It's so hard to feel sexy in honeymoon lingere when you feel like your body is, after all, destroyed from self-inflicted abuse and neglect. The stretch marks I think are the worst. They are everywhere and bright red and they make me feel like I'm in a horror movie.

I just can't continue to live like this. No meal, no dessert, no temporary feeling of bliss, can make living this way worth it anymore.

Things that should be easy are hard. Things I'm too embarrassed to mention even here are being made difficult if not impossible due to my weight. I know my husband loves me the way I am, but I know he noticed me struggling with things, and I saw a look of sadness in his eyes, like he wanted to tell me it was ok, but he was afraid acknowledging my struggling would just make me feel worse (and it probably would have).

So, this is why I'm ready. This just has to be rock bottom, as far as my body goes. But at the same time, I have a fresh start before me. Maybe Shrinky O. was lazy and stressed out, but maybe Shrinky C. can have new priorities and new drive to achieve them.