More Thoughts
As you can see, the focus of this journal has shifted a bit, from being about daily points to being more about what's going on inside. I reserve the right to post whatever I want whenever I want, after all, this is my blog.
It's hard to really figure out where I go from here. I am trying to be vigilant about what I eat, and I think that's the best I can do for right now. After the wedding & the honeymoon, I am going to crack down pretty hard, I think. While I have some internal repairs to make, I can work on the external repairs at the same time. They are both going to take a very long time.
I think maybe some of the overeating is some strange method I developed to sort of take care of myself while no one else was. That could explain the soothingness, the relaxation I feel when I overeat or eat some comfort foods. Bad day? Have some toast and tea and curl up in front of the tv. Rough morning? Get a nice big coffee with lots of cream and sugar and a big chocolate muffin. No kids want to play with you at lunch time? Find $0.50 to buy an ice cream cone. The ice cream cone always wants to play. I have fond memories of losing myself in a book and a snack/meal/etc. I think if in my stepmom's house we were allowed to eat in the living room, I would have done the same with the tv, even though I wasn't half as lonely.
Maybe since moving to Massachusetts and leaving the friends I made as a teenager and grew so close to behind, I sort of became the weird little girl I had previously been again. Gaining weight, retreating into food, hiding from the world, just not being good enough. I feel a lot of social awkwardness when it comes to making female friends - I can't get close to people easily. I am never sure if they really like me back, and there's also the fact that I'm kind of a grump, so I often find people irritating for stupid reasons.
I mean it's been over 3 years and I'm only just recently starting to feel like I am capable of making friends. And part of me wants to say, well, who needs 'em? I have my fiance. I have guy friends. But I miss D and J so much. And even my fond memories often include food. Going out to eat, long conversations over a good meal. Shopping and eating and shopping and talking. And yet when I was in that situation, I kept weight off fairly easily. I mean I was never skinny, do not get me wrong. My graceful swan was a chubby graceful swan, but not an obese graceful swan, and not an ugly graceful swan either. By my senior year of high school, I was in the 150's at 5'4" with a slim face and an hourglass, muscular figure, and even though I wore size 14's and size large tops, I was pretty. I may not have known it at the time, I may have felt desperately overweight, but part of me knew that I had become a bit more attractive and just didn't know what to do with it. I felt really far behind socially, a pretty girl with an ugly girl's mentality. Hiding from guys and girls who were good looking, because any ugly girl or fat girl with low enough self-esteem knows that guys and pretty girls are the enemy. They want to make you feel bad and break your heart into a million pieces. The better looking someone is, the more they must despise you for who you are. Maybe I felt like they'd see through me. Normal looking at first glance, but if I spoke or interacted too much, my inner dork would come out.
I'm more comfortable with my inner dork most of the time. I feel like I can usually speak with strangers, good looking or not, and my fake personality will take care of me. It's a mask I have to put on because inside I'm still scared of people. Scared of being laughed at, made fun of, teased. In elementary school, I was teased so often, so mercilessly. I didn't even realize how much I was teased...at some point during my adult years I looked at my 6th grade yearbook. A kid who I had always talked with and considered one of my schoolyard allies wrote in my yearbook: "Have a great summer. Don't eat alot."
But my fake, friendly personality does get me through a lot, where I'm not quite as afraid of people anymore. And instead of fear, sometimes I channel that into anger at those people, and try to find flaws to make fun of before they can get to me. Dumb jocks, stupid frat boys, slutty girls, princesses. I just put these people, who I don't know, who I might not ever meet, into my list of enemies right away. Otherwise, I wind up feeling inferior to them, like they're an alpha dog and I'm the lowest part of the pack.
Because I'm fat, I'm shy, I'm awkward, and I don't know what I'm doing with people!
Am I staying fat to hide, or to make myself unlikeable? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I hate this so much.
There really isn't any reason people shouldn't like me. I think I'm pretty smart, and I dress nice and smell nice most of the time. I think people find me funny sometimes. I guess my social issue is also that I have trouble listening to people or caring about their issues because I'm so self-centered, wrapped up inside myself, inside my own anxieties and troubles.
It's hard to really figure out where I go from here. I am trying to be vigilant about what I eat, and I think that's the best I can do for right now. After the wedding & the honeymoon, I am going to crack down pretty hard, I think. While I have some internal repairs to make, I can work on the external repairs at the same time. They are both going to take a very long time.
I think maybe some of the overeating is some strange method I developed to sort of take care of myself while no one else was. That could explain the soothingness, the relaxation I feel when I overeat or eat some comfort foods. Bad day? Have some toast and tea and curl up in front of the tv. Rough morning? Get a nice big coffee with lots of cream and sugar and a big chocolate muffin. No kids want to play with you at lunch time? Find $0.50 to buy an ice cream cone. The ice cream cone always wants to play. I have fond memories of losing myself in a book and a snack/meal/etc. I think if in my stepmom's house we were allowed to eat in the living room, I would have done the same with the tv, even though I wasn't half as lonely.
Maybe since moving to Massachusetts and leaving the friends I made as a teenager and grew so close to behind, I sort of became the weird little girl I had previously been again. Gaining weight, retreating into food, hiding from the world, just not being good enough. I feel a lot of social awkwardness when it comes to making female friends - I can't get close to people easily. I am never sure if they really like me back, and there's also the fact that I'm kind of a grump, so I often find people irritating for stupid reasons.
I mean it's been over 3 years and I'm only just recently starting to feel like I am capable of making friends. And part of me wants to say, well, who needs 'em? I have my fiance. I have guy friends. But I miss D and J so much. And even my fond memories often include food. Going out to eat, long conversations over a good meal. Shopping and eating and shopping and talking. And yet when I was in that situation, I kept weight off fairly easily. I mean I was never skinny, do not get me wrong. My graceful swan was a chubby graceful swan, but not an obese graceful swan, and not an ugly graceful swan either. By my senior year of high school, I was in the 150's at 5'4" with a slim face and an hourglass, muscular figure, and even though I wore size 14's and size large tops, I was pretty. I may not have known it at the time, I may have felt desperately overweight, but part of me knew that I had become a bit more attractive and just didn't know what to do with it. I felt really far behind socially, a pretty girl with an ugly girl's mentality. Hiding from guys and girls who were good looking, because any ugly girl or fat girl with low enough self-esteem knows that guys and pretty girls are the enemy. They want to make you feel bad and break your heart into a million pieces. The better looking someone is, the more they must despise you for who you are. Maybe I felt like they'd see through me. Normal looking at first glance, but if I spoke or interacted too much, my inner dork would come out.
I'm more comfortable with my inner dork most of the time. I feel like I can usually speak with strangers, good looking or not, and my fake personality will take care of me. It's a mask I have to put on because inside I'm still scared of people. Scared of being laughed at, made fun of, teased. In elementary school, I was teased so often, so mercilessly. I didn't even realize how much I was teased...at some point during my adult years I looked at my 6th grade yearbook. A kid who I had always talked with and considered one of my schoolyard allies wrote in my yearbook: "Have a great summer. Don't eat alot."
But my fake, friendly personality does get me through a lot, where I'm not quite as afraid of people anymore. And instead of fear, sometimes I channel that into anger at those people, and try to find flaws to make fun of before they can get to me. Dumb jocks, stupid frat boys, slutty girls, princesses. I just put these people, who I don't know, who I might not ever meet, into my list of enemies right away. Otherwise, I wind up feeling inferior to them, like they're an alpha dog and I'm the lowest part of the pack.
Because I'm fat, I'm shy, I'm awkward, and I don't know what I'm doing with people!
Am I staying fat to hide, or to make myself unlikeable? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I hate this so much.
There really isn't any reason people shouldn't like me. I think I'm pretty smart, and I dress nice and smell nice most of the time. I think people find me funny sometimes. I guess my social issue is also that I have trouble listening to people or caring about their issues because I'm so self-centered, wrapped up inside myself, inside my own anxieties and troubles.
Labels: childhood, introspection, journal
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home