shrinky strikes back

What's up?

2007-07-26T23:04:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I don't exercise more regularly - today I went for a walk after the afternoon's heat had cooled off a bit, and it was just wonderful. It felt so good to get out and move. And I am just really lucky to have moved to a really beautiful neighborhood with all kinds of trees and flowers and wildlife and friendly people scurrying about. And it felt so good afterwards, too.

Hopefully now that I have my new ipod nano, I will be getting out there more & more frequently. Nothing motivates me to move like some good music.

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I am participating in a weight loss challenge as of this coming Monday, being hosted by FatBlokeThin. I don't usually do challenges/contests but I figure I can use some friendly competition as motivation right now. I figure even the person who loses the least percentage is still a winner because they are that much closer towards their goal.

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In other news...I have kind of been wavering on the Satiatrim that I mentioned below. The only flavor I like is chocolate (which is pretty good), but it's becoming clear to me that a lot of my hunger isn't physical at all, and so a protein-rich drink isn't going to fix that. I do notice that it is physically filling, which is great for 1 point...but when I crave certain foods or have the urge to binge, it isn't due to hunger. It's due to a need to soothe myself or calm myself down.

I have noticed that lately a big trigger for bingeing has been social anxiety. I don't feel nearly so shy as I used to, but I find that in crowded places I get extremely anxious to the point of feeling like I will have a panic attack (basically I get dizzy, start sweating, flushing, and have trouble breathing). The worst place for this lately has been the supermarket. It's a busy town and the good supermarket is always crowded...and I start out ok, but as people are pushing by, crowding the aisles, blocking the way, shouting at each other, etc...I just start to feel ill with the above symptoms. And what I need to do is go someplace quiet and take some deep breaths, and I've tried to do that, to go into a corner of the store for a few moments, but no matter where I go it seems like someone is trying to push me out of the way to get to a shelf or something. Even when I tried to hide next to the frigging yeast infection treatments for a couple minutes! I mean, COME ON!

The more that tension builds, the less rational I feel and I start to fantasize about getting into my car and being alone. And I see all of these amazing treats in the supermarket and it makes the reward of getting to be alone that much better, makes the rest of the shopping trip seem more bearable, to imagine how in a half an hour I will be alone and have quiet and will have the sweet rush of sugar to soothe my fried nerves.

Anyway, I am hoping that writing this down will help me. I have an Rx for panic attacks, unfortunately it is sedating and I could not drive after taking it. I am going to try to scope out some other supermarkets that are a little farther away to see if they are less crowded, and also try finding less busy times to go.

It just weirds me out because this is such a new thing. Crowds never used to bother me so much...now I just feel almost claustrophobic. I can't remember feeling this anxious since before I started taking SSRI's for the anxiety/depression.

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On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, and that is always a wonderful thing. It starts a fresh new WW week for me and I have made a game plan for the day and am feeling pretty optimistic. I don't really know why I gave up on WW the last time. Sometimes I really don't understand myself.

One thing I would like to do is go back through my older blog posts and my older forum posts from when I was doing well through when I fell off the wagon and see if I can see what might have triggered it.

Workout Music

2007-07-19T15:28:00.000-04:00

I just ordered myself an ipod nano because my old ipod mini no longer holds a charge and is thus only useful for listening to when actively charging (like in the car). I really only like to exercise when I can bring my tunes with me, so this is a good investment in my physical fitness. I am itching to get outside and start walking more and being more active!

Here are some songs that are really making me want to get out there and move...in other words, the seeds of my near-future workout playlist. Recommend me more!

Finger Eleven - Paralyzer
Metallica - Fuel
Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
Rage Against the Machine - Renegades of Funk
Sattelite Party - Wish Upon a Dog Star
Three Days Grace - Pain
P.O.D. - Boom
Saliva - Click, Click, Boom
The Cult - Love Removal Machine

Trying another new thing!

2007-07-16T20:44:00.000-04:00

I didn't mention it earlier, but a couple weeks ago Dr. Portman from Pacific Laboratories e-mailed me through this blog and asked me if I wanted to try out this drink called Satiatrim. I'm generally very skeptical of diet products, but the ingredients are fairly innocuous (it seems to be mainly a low-calorie protein drink that should make you feel fuller before you eat a meal), and it was free and, well, I'm kind of at the end of my rope these days. So today the box of Satiatrim finally came, filled with these cute little juice boxes. I immediately stuck one in the freezer so it would be chilled enough to drink before dinner, and I'm drinking it now.

Has anyone else tried Satiatrim yet? I did some searching and I did find another weight loss blog who is also trying out Satiatrim. She seems to like it. It's worth a shot, right?

The mixed berry flavor, what I'm drinking now, has a really familiar taste. It almost, but not quite, tastes like the creamy pink liquid antibiotics I would take as a kid. It's not bad though, definitely drinkable. Other than the taste, I don't have a whole lot to tell you about it yet since I am just sipping my first box now.

I've lost a little weight these past two weeks, and yet I'm not feeling all that psyched. I thought the hypnosis was going to help me to feel motivated and empowered, but I am still waking up in the middle of the night bingeing. I still think I am going to go to the lap-band surgery seminar in August. If nothing else, I need to scare myself into getting my act together.

Tonight as I was driving home, I was thinking about why on earth I do this to myself. It's very obviously a way of punishing myself for something. And yet, it's the laziest way of punishing myself there is. I could punish myself with a diet, but I would have to face the constant reminder of hunger. Instead I punish myself with overeating. It's easy to make myself forget that I'm fat except for when I'm trying to do or wear things that my weight holds me back from.

I just don't understand how I can be this fat. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem real. This is most people's nightmares. When did my fear of hitting 200 turn to a fear of hitting 300? How did I ever get closer to 300 than 200? Why was it so easy to get to this place???

You are getting very sleepy...

2007-07-06T13:13:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to a hypnotist. I know a lot of people are skeptical about hypnosis, and I am a little too, but because of how desperate I've been feeling, it seemed like it was worth seeing if hypnosis could help me regain some positivity with regards to getting back on track. Because, really, I've just been feeling like "What's the point of trying this time?"

At any rate, it cost $80 for the first session, which was 2.5 hours long, so it seemed like it was worth trying. The first hour and a half was mostly just having a conversation about what my obstacles are, and working together to come up with a plan not just for weight loss, but to bring health back into my life. And he helped me to reframe things and come up with some exercises to keep reminding myself of where I am now headed. If nothing else, it was worth it for that hour and a half alone. It really did help me feel like I can do this - and that I am doing this. The hypnosis was relaxing, but I actually had been hypnotized before and felt that my nerves were getting in the way this time. I am not sure I was fully under. But I have a follow-up session next Friday.

In other news, somehow despite not having a very good week, I am down 2.2 lbs. And that is with having weighed in on a full stomach.

Old Navy Update

2007-07-05T12:21:00.000-04:00

They did send me a personal response to my e-mail, which impresses me. Most companies will send back a form e-mail after a day or two. I sent my e-mail to them late last night and received my response, a lengthy letter that addressed all of my concerns, around 11 am this morning.

This does make me feel a little less pissed about the whole situation. It's frustrating, but it seems like maybe they do care about Customer Service.

The bad news, though, is that they confirmed that they are removing Women's Plus from all Old Navy stores. I did write back to say that I find that disappointing, but in any case that I wish they would fix the Store Locator so it no longer claims certain stores carry Women's Plus when they do not.

I think, in the grand scheme of things, that is what upset me the most. That I had confirmed online that they carried what I wanted, only to be disappointed right there in the store.

Old Navy Disappointment

2007-07-05T01:35:00.001-04:00

Tuesday after work, I was extremely psyched because not only did I have the rest of the week off, but I had received an e-mail from Old Navy showing off some really fabulous-looking jeans that came in Women's Plus! Classic rise, wide leg, dark rinse...heaven! So I was very jazzed to take off after work and check these babies out in person so I could see what size fit me and, you know, buy some.

Imagine my surprise when the Old Navy in Nashua, NH - which I have been to many times and enjoyed their Women's Plus section, and which is STILL listed on Old Navy's online Store Locator as carrying Women's Plus - no longer had a Women's Plus section. They did have a Women's Plus sign. The Women's Plus sign was placed above 3 racks of clothes. 2 and a half of those racks carried regular women's clearance merch. The other half rack carried out of season Women's Plus leftovers and returns.

I figured this had to be a mistake, that these jeans I wanted so badly were just hidden somewhere, so I asked a salesperson. She pointed me back towards the half-rack of crap. I said that it wasn't really a Women's Plus section, and she just said "Well, that's all we have."

I don't know why this hit me as hard as it did. But seeing throngs of other people happily shopping and grabbing clothes, and realizing that I couldn't do the same thing because I'm fat and thus clearly worthless...I managed to hold off crying until I got in my car. Then I started bawling and bawled the whole ride home. And then I crawled into bed and bawled some more and slept for the rest of the afternoon. And it pisses me off to admit it, but I still feel totally upset over the whole thing.

I have to admit, I have been feeling EXTREMELY down on myself lately & my inability to control my weight. I talked to my new doctor about this last month, and she said she could prescribe me some Xenical if I wanted it. Which I really don't. And I've been doing a lot of soul searching and deep thinking and all I can come up with right now is negativity and self loathing.

So pardon me if I decide to try & boost my spirits and self image by buying some clothes that might fit nicely. Pardon me for wanting to try them on in person, like any normal person would. Pardon me for thinking that the days when fat chicks had to order their clothes via catalog/mail order exclusively were over. Pardon me for wanting to spend money at your fucking store.

I could order them online, but I'm not. It's hard not to, because they look really awesome and like the exact jeans I have been looking for. But I'm angry. And I think I have a right to be. I'll give my money to Lane Bryant, who is willing to cater to me in the flesh instead of solely over the Internet...who will let me try on clothes and window shop and browse. I'll give my money to The Avenue for the same reasons. And should I finally reach my goal weight and cast plus sizes aside, I will shop at stores owned by the parent companies of LB & Avenue, and not at Old Navy, the Gap, Banana Republic, or Piper Lime.

Because FUCK THEM, that's why.

Reminders

2007-07-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

Well, if you have read my blog for any length of time, you're probably not surprised that I am wishy-washy about, well, everything. After tracking calories on Spark People *and* Fitday, I realized that WW points just feel a lot easier & more intuitive to track. And I still have my eTools account. So, you know what? I am going to track what I eat in terms of Points.

I don't know exactly what I feel towards Weight Watchers. I mean, it never really failed, it was I who failed. And looking back at my past menus, it seems fairly obvious that my struggles were directly connected to the amount of sugar I was consuming. As my meals became more and more supplemented with 100-calorie packs and fat free puddings and Edy's Slow Churned ice cream and maple syrup on everything...yeah I might have technically been "OP" but I was lowering my resolve, eating things that never left me satisfied, things that only ever left me wanting more and more and more.

I don't know why I sabotage myself so much. It just feels good to overeat, I'm not going to lie. A lot of people say they get disgusted with themselves right after they overeat - but not me. I feel good, almost high. It makes me really happy. Yes, when I am upset about my weight I wind up regretting all the overeating, but I just have trouble controlling my impulses and my overwhelming desire for instant gratification, instant comfort.

I think what is really missing from my life is some sort of reminder that occurs when I start to sabotage myself. Because I don't think. I don't contemplate the repercussions or the alternatives. I don't remember to ask myself what I *really* need, or what else would make me feel good or comforted. With me, eating is fast. I can go from desire to eat to finding something appealing to eat to devouring it in no time flat. I want what I want and I'm not likely to open the fridge and say "Hmm, what is a good choice?" It's more like "Mmm, peanut butter!" and then the jar is half gone.

I know anchoring is a WW tool to remind yourself of your past successes to keep you inspired to stay on track, blah blah blah, but again, I can have an anchor, but if I don't remember to ponder it, what's the point?

I can hang stuff up, signs and whatnot, but human beings are very good at blocking out things they are used to seeing and don't really want to see. A shock collar might work, but I think that might be frowned upon in public. Maybe it is just something I need to consciously work on and practice. Pausing and thinking before choosing a meal or snack. Just getting into that habit would be a success, even if sometimes I still choose the less healthy choice.

Day One

2007-06-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

Last night I did wake up in the middle of the night & binge. Two bowls of cereal. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I've been doing this almost every night since we moved. When I wake up I do not think clearly. I just am driven to do it so I do. It's not actual hunger, I don't think. Though I have stopped eating a nighttime snack before bed, so maybe that is contributing to the problem.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and weighed myself. 269.4. That's 10 lbs higher (give or take) than the last time I weighed myself. I am upset, but not really surprised. I *was* upset when I plugged my weight into Fitday and on its little chart where it says Underweight, Normal, Overweight, Obese... it had a little arrow pointing to the right of "Obese" with the caption "Off the Chart".

I am off the chart obese.

And yet I continue to lie to myself when I want to rationalize a snack, telling myself "I'm not that bad...." I am that bad. I am very, very fat. I don't often see it when I look in the mirror. But someone who is 5'4" and 269 lbs is very, very fat.

Maybe it's not that I try to rationalize my weight ... maybe I am just in denial. Like someone who has cancer but refuses to accept it. Do I refuse to accept my weight problem? I can't ignore it easily. Every time I go shopping I have to grab larger and larger size clothes. Some 2x shirts I bought are snug and make me feel self conscious. I have pants that are a size 26. Some of my 24's are snug right out of the wash. A year ago, I remember crying when I had to go up to a 22. Two years ago, I was in an 18.

Anyway, there isn't much of a point in dwelling on self-pity and regret. I am what I am right now, and as much as I might wish I could go back and edit my previous food selections and activity choices, I cannot. All I have control of is what I am going to do with what I have right now.

As I had mentioned, my plan was to sign up with Fitday...however, already feeling stung from being declared "Off the Chart", I found logging my breakfast and planned lunch to be a total pain in the ass. Their food database leaves much to be desired, and some of their nutritional facts are just way off! (1 cup of tempura is in no way ~100 calories and ~7 grams of fat!!!) I plugged my same info into Spark People and I found it a lot easier with a more extensive food database and more realistic nutrition info. Thus, I have decided to use Spark People as my log. I was excited to find that I can also share my meal tracker via Spark People.

So, to reiterate my plan:

Logging my meals into Spark People.
Taking a walk or doing some physical activity daily.
Writing in this journal on a daily basis.

I'll add more guidelines as I progress with this. It's going to be hard not to be impatient while I make some slower changes, but I cannot go on the way I am.

Grumble

2007-06-28T13:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I successfully moved my blog to shrinky.net but because I haven't really tinkered with web design in about 3-4 years I am having one hell of a time making it look the way I like. So for the time being, I am going to use one of Blogger's templates. I'm kind of busy so it will have to do for now, I suppose. Even if it is kind of annoying for it not to look just-so. I am very into things being just-so.

Did I mention that my husband and I bought a house? We are mostly moved in, though there are still piles of crap that have to be moved out of the apartment. We have to turn the keys to our apartment in by July 7, so I am a little nervous about getting it cleared out and cleaned up by then. I think a blowtorch might help. ;-)

I love the new house though, and my new neighborhood. It's a safe and pretty place to walk around, which I've confirmed by noting all of the people going for walks in the mornings and evenings. It's wooded and green and sidewalked and just lovely. And we are walking distance to an outdoor pool & tennis courts that we can use. I may have to have K teach me to play tennis.

Of course I feel like the amount of crap we have to do before we can kick back and have some fun is practically insurmountable. BOXES BOXES BOXES...everywhere! And we've finished most of our painting, but we still have to do the trim. But it's frigging hot lately and the only a/c is in the master bedroom. I can't set up my computer desk at home until we finish painting the trim in the office / guest room.

But anyway...as I mentioned, I am starting my new & improved weight loss program tomorrow. I am about to run out to try & buy a quality bathroom scale. I also will have to do a little grocery shopping tonight (need to make a list first, I guess), and research what my general calorie goals should be.

Well, I will check in tomorrow.

Back

2007-06-27T11:58:00.000-04:00

I needed to take a break from this blog. I've been incredibly busy between buying our new house & moving into it (still working on that, btw), and being a maid of honor in my best friend's wedding (lots of weekends driving to NJ to attend wedding related festivities).

I feel burnt out. I feel confused. I feel lost. I want to take action because my weight makes me unhappy ... AND SCARED. But I am having such a hard time overcoming this mental block I have. I'm afraid to start, because I'm afraid of failing again. And I'm tired, I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over.

I did come up with a new plan that is something different and also seems pretty reasonable.

Following the principles of the No-S Diet
Tracking my meals and exercise in Fitday (and possibly publishing my Fitday journal)
Buying a quality scale and weighing myself every Friday morning before work
Starting a walking program since my new neighborhood is safe & sidewalked
Making my own meals when possible and bringing my lunch to work

What do you think?

Anyway...still feeling down. I need encouragement. I need someone to tell me I can do this. I need someone to believe in me. And I need to convince myself that I can do this, and learn to believe in myself as well.

I'm afraid to weigh myself on Friday, but I am going to do it and stop procrastinating.

Stressed

2007-04-11T15:31:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling anxious & stressed, and as a result, I've been having a rough time. I've started waking up in the middle of the night again and eating. I'm not really fully conscious when I'm doing it. In the past when I had this problem, my solution was to plan a nighttime snack into my routine. If I didn't wake up & eat it, then I had an extra snack for the daytime. But if I did, at least it was something planned for that I didn't have to think about, and it was already worked into my plan for the next day. I think I will start doing this again, because I have done night-eating 3 nights in a row now, that I can remember.

I know that this happens when I'm stressed, and I will probably also start taking a mild sedative before bed again (prescribed because of my difficulty sleeping due to anxiety).

In addition, I thought it would help me to write out the things that are stressing me out. So, bear with me.

1. I am stressed because my husband and I have started looking for our first home. We will be buying a real, single-family house with a yard and all the responsibility of home ownership. This is exciting, but it's also stressful. We've just gotten pre-approved for our mortgage and started talking with a buyers' agent, so this is starting to feel a lot more real lately.

2. Because of #1 (buying a house), I've been anxious about finances. Our plan is to fully pay off my credit card balance before we close on a house. We can get the mortgage regardless, but for our own comfort and my own peace of mind, I want the cc debt wiped out. This wouldn't be a problem at all...except...

3. Weddings. I am the maid of honor in one of my best friends' weddings. Actually, I am 1 of 2 maids of honor. This means that not only do I have the responsibility of coordinating the bachelorette party & bridal shower, but I have to spend a crapload of money on things. Being a bridesmaid is damn expensive! The bachelorette party is going to cost me approximately $800. Just for myself & my share of the bride's expenses! Then the shower is two weeks later. In addition to invitations, favors, food, etc, I've got to get her a nice shower gift, too. Then, two weeks after that...the wedding! My bridesmaid dress is $150. My shoes are $50. I think I am going to have to pay to get my hair done. We have to stay in a hotel for 2 nights, maybe 3. And we have to obviously get them a wedding gift too. I mean I am happy to do all of this stuff, it's just that the timing sucks. The wedding is going to cost me well over $1500 by the time all is said & done. And then my sister is getting married in April 2008, but she has decided to have a big engagement party in May. This means that I have to get her an engagement gift, the same month that I have to do all the stuff for my friend's wedding.

4. Travel ... I am a homebody & I like to use most of my weekends to catch up on cleaning, sleeping in, hanging out with my husband, and relaxing, and running errands, and then catching up with friends over dinner or going to the movies at night. We do travel some weekends, but I usually require at least a weekend at home in between traveling. Well, between May & June, I have *one* weekend that I will be at home. Every single other weekend I am traveling. And now my in-laws are complaining that we can't wait until the end of June to come visit them. So that means that we have to squeeze in another weekend trip there. Guh.

5. Work ... I have a lot to do, and yet (a) I can't help but feel like I suck at what I do, and (b) I can't stop procrastinating because I hate working on stuff I think I'm sucking at. I just want to be better at my job. A possible solution I came up with is to designate one day a week, or two half-days a week, to training myself, reading more about the industry, and looking at what other people in my field are producing.

6. Tiredness... if you read this blog a lot, you might have noticed that I'm perpetually tired. I have gone to the doctor multiple times for this. The best explanation they have is that it's depression. So I've been on anti-depressants for awhile. I mean, I *am* depressed, and the anti-depressants have very much helped my depression & anxiety. I dare say that Wellbutrin has made a huge difference in my outlook on life, removing a lot of my apathy. However, part of me wonders if my constant tiredness isn't physical at all. I wonder if it's just by habit that I let myself feel tired all the time. That I wallow in it, and look for excuses to whine. I don't know. I mean, I'm tired when I'm at work - I spend a lot of time wishing I could go home for a nap. But I wonder if I would feel the same way if I was out & about during the weekend, or on vacation. I guess I might be. But I think some of it is truly mental, and not due to depression. And I know some of it is because my trouble sleeping.

Well...that is most of what is stressing me out.

Oh wait...I forgot. (and this wasn't intentional...!)

7. I keep forgetting to do things. I did most of our taxes and totally forgot about finishign everything and e-filing it. I keep forgetting that I have to go through & pay a few bills by check. I keep forgetting to return our Netflix movies. I keep forgetting when my favorite shows are on (thank goodness for Tivo). I keep losing track of time and forgetting to go to bed. I keep forgetting about meetings.

So...I really just need to really relax, put things in perspective, and take some action on the things that I have some control over.

KISS!

2007-04-10T19:03:00.000-04:00

Keep It Simple, Stupid!

I know that phrase typically refers to writing, but in this case I am applying it to WW. I'm really talented at making things so much more complicated than they really need to be.

For example, I've been forgetting how sometimes the simplest meals can be made into awesome Points-friendly dinners with little effort. Hello grilled cheese! Hello tomato soup! Hello veggie burgers! Hello oven fries! You know what else is good? They have these boxes of pasta + weird sauces that are 2 servings per box and about 4-5 points per serving. They're really good if you throw in some extras at the end, like frozen veggies or cooked chicken.

I've gotten a lot of great recipe ideas lately as well. Easy recipes that involve things like refrigerated biscuit dough and minute rice. Things that will not take a great deal of energy, which is something I am sorely lacking.

It's ok to do this the easy way. I'm not going to win any medals for logging extra hours in the kitchen.

Update Time

2007-04-09T08:46:00.000-04:00

So, instead of normal work, I had off site training on Friday, so I couldn't fit in my WW meeting before work. I went on Saturday instead. It reminded me why I refused to keep going to Saturday meetings. The group was mostly older and the sort of women who just wanted to chat about themselves, including the leader. There was very little discussion about weight loss or WW, just people bitching about having to have 20+ people over for Easter and having to deal with all the leftovers. Waah waah waah. It was the least constructive & least motivating meeting I have ever been to. I have to go to another Saturday meeting next week, due to more training...I may just weigh in and leave. Or if I can get my butt out of bed earlier, maybe I'll try & see if an earlier Saturday meeting is less aggrivating.

Oh, but the good stuff, I was down 0.6 lbs this week. Total since Feb is 9.6 down. 0.4 until I get my purse!

Last week honestly wasn't my best in terms of staying OP, but I feel a lot more in control this week. Yesterday was POP and today is nicely planned out. Hopefully I will see a bigger loss at my next WI as a result of better OP-ness and cleaner eating.

Oh...just a little story. I was at the supermarket on Thursday to pick up a few things. My husband likes the Jello fat free pudding cups so I grabbed him some. Then as I was browsing another aisle, a woman comes rushing up to me: "Excuse me! Excuse me!" so I turn to her wondering what she wanted. "Excuse me! I don't mean to be nosy but did you see that they have 60 calorie pudding cups?" And I said yes, those are the sugar free ones. And she points to my basket with the 100-calorie ff pudding cups and goes "Well, those are 100 calories...they have ones that are just sixty! I know when I'm watching calories, every calorie matters!" And I was kind of dumbstruck so I just mumbled something about how they're for my husband and walked away.

I really wish I had had the balls to say something snarky back to her though. I mean, there's a good chance that she didn't mean to sound as obnoxious as she did...but seriously, just because I'm fat, it doesn't mean I am actively soliciting strangers to advise me on what I should and shouldn't put in my shopping cart. I just really doubt she would have said anything to a skinny person buying FF pudding cups, you know? My fat is not a big flashing "Help Me!" sign. As you can see from my consistent weight loss over the past two months...I'm doing OK!

Anyway, yeah, just wanted to rant. And yes, she was skinny and probably in her late 40's. So she should be old enough to know better.

Just me, whining...

2007-04-02T23:59:00.000-04:00

It's been kind of hard the past couple of days. It sucks because I really did so well Friday night and all day Saturday. Friday night, as I mentioned below, I managed to choose a totally OP meal at Uno's, and even though the waiter kinda made fun of me for asking for no breadstick (dude, it's 5 points!), I was really proud of myself.

Saturday I did major grocery shopping, and I went to both Trader Joe's and my regular supermarket Shaw's. I kinda had been craving Chinese food, so I decided that since we were staying in to watch movies Sat night, I'd have Trader Joe provide some healthier alternatives to Chinese takeout. So I made TJ's mandarin orange chicken, some jasmine rice, TJ's vegetable egg rolls, and some frozen mixed veggies from TJ's. It wound up being a great, Points-friendly, totally satisfying meal. Then Sunday came and my lack of planning got me into trouble at dinnertime. I had been planning on making pesto pizza at home, but we were out all day helping a friend fix up his new place, and then it was kinda late and I was *starving* so we went out. And we went to the Olive Garden, and I *could* have made some good choices, but I chose to pig out instead, on breadsticks and salad (with regular dressing) and sangria and pasta with cheesy sauce.

And Monday ... oh I just had such cravings all day long. I didn't cave in to my major cravings for a muffin from Dunkin Donuts or a Twix from the vending machine, but I did pig out a little at dinner. I made breakfast burritos and homemade home fries with very little oil...not the worst meal, but not portion controlled or measured.

So, for Tuesday I would really like to get it back together and STAY OP. I'm thinking that I might try to consciously eat more Core foods, while staying on Flex (the famous Flore plan, hahaha). Except then I would have to bring something other than Lean Cuisines for lunch. And yes, I really AM too lazy to make a sandwich. Sometimes I'm even too lazy to remember my Lean Cuisine, and then I have to come back home and get it or go out and buy a new one at lunchtime. My laziness knows no bounds.

Ok, so I won't officially do Flore, but I do want to start eating more "clean" and try & cut out more of the processed crap.

I really want to come up with some better high protein snacks. I feel kind of "meh" about lunch meat, I like eggs but I eat them a lot, I'm getting worn out on cottage cheese, I can't handle string cheese in the house, and I don't really like yogurt all that much.

At least I got my husband to pick a recipe out of Cooking Light and agree to make it. He's making Stir-Fried Szechuan Steak on Rice for Tuesday night's dinner. I figure this way I get a break and he gets to pick out dinner for a change. I usually cook just because of WW, but if he's following recipes from Cooking Light or another cookbook with NI, then that's fine.

Well, I am tired and it is way past my bedtime.

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP! I AM GOING TO KEEP LOSING WEIGHT!

Dinners

2007-03-31T19:37:00.000-04:00

First off, I want to give myself mad props for staying OP at Pizzeria Uno's last night. I demanded that my friends & I go to a restaurant that provided NI - and demanded that we decide in advance so I could prepare for dinner. So, we went with Uno's, which everyone likes. They have some insanely high point items on their menu, but also several reasonable options, and they provide NI for absolutely everything both online and at a kiosk in their restaurant. So I really do appreciate Uno's for being so accomodating. I got the baked stuffed chicken which was 13 points, roasted veggies for both of my sides, and asked them to hold the breadstick. So, I feel really good about that, and not caving in to the greasy but delicious menu items like the Uno Burger or a deep dish pizza. Their deep dish "spinoccoli" pizza is, I think, the worst thing on the entire menu - it makes me kind of sick to think about all the times I ordered it thinking I was being sorta good for getting a veggie pizza. It's got more calories and fat than any of the meaty deep-dishes. Fortunately, their flatbread pizzas are not too bad for you - I believe a plain cheese one is 22 points, and it's really big so you could easily split it with someone or take home half. So that's 11 points for a generous serving of pizza...not too shabby! There are really several appetizing options on their menu that fit easily into WW or any other calorie-restricted meal plan, and none of them are pathetic like just a grilled chicken breast and steamed boring vegetables. Actually, you *can* get that at Uno's, but who actually likes to eat like that? I don't. It would be easier if I did...but I don't. I like tasty food, especially when I am spending money to eat out.

I feel very accomplished after going to both Trader Joe's and my regular supermarket today. I stocked up on good stuff and planned out some dinners for the week so that I don't have to make decisions when I am tired and cranky on weeknights.

March Wrap-Up

2007-03-31T12:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's WI wasn't awesome, I stayed exactly the same, but it's better than a gain. Furthermore, I kind of expected not to lose ... I had gone over my WPAs last week, and had struggled a lot. So, I really am happy that my efforts to not give in to my struggles and the fact that after every slip I made an effort to get back on track paid off in terms of not having me gain a pound or two.

It does give me motivation for this upcoming week. It's the start of a new month and that always feels good. We're getting closer and closer to nice, springtime weather. The snow has almost entirely melted and the sun is shining. A coworker and I started a plan to go walking for 30+ minutes M,W,F on our lunch break. I still feel Friday's 45 minute walk in my legs. It's a good feeling.

All in all, I lost 5.8 lbs in March. I think that is awesome! That rate if kept up for a year would mean 70 lbs lost, so I think that is a great rate of weight loss.

So, today the plan is to go to Trader Joe's to stock up on some Points-friendly deliciousness and to maybe go shopping for fun elsewhere. I am feeling good and in control. I can do this!

Something New (for me)

2007-03-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

I tried something new in my quest for naturally sugarless, high protein snackage. I have heard people talk about Fage Greek-style yogurt, and was really excited to see some at Market Basket. Unfortunately they did not have the 0% fat free kind, but they had the 5% which is lower fat than the regular kind, 3 points for a decent sized container. And I was really impressed! It is so rich and tastes very different from regular plain yogurt. I had topped it with a drizzle of honey and a sprinkle of walnuts and it was such a satisfying snack.

I hope I can get my hands on some fat free Greek-style yogurt soon...I hear Trader Joe's has some, so I will have to take a trip there this weekend (after payday on Friday).

I will also have to stock up on some of their awesome frozen meals...they have stir fries and other meals that are healthy, points friendly, tasty, and a snap to make. And I've always been so impressed at TJ's prices...compared to ~~Whole Paycheck~~ Whole Foods, Trader Joe's has things at really great prices - lower prices than a normal supermarket letalone Whole Foods which seems to mark up even Cheerios to a ridiculous amount. The only thing Whole Foods has been good for lately is to stock up on some red lentils because they are the only people who seem to carry them near me. I used to like their sushi but lately that has gone down the tubes, and I no longer have to settle thanks to an awesome new sushi joint in my area (take that, Whole Foods!).

So, to summarize:
Fage Greek-style yogurt = Yummy
Trader Joe's = totally awesome
Whole Foods = overpriced but they have red lentils
Sushi = best from a sushi restaurant

Better

2007-03-28T08:33:00.000-04:00

I am feeling a lot more in control today. Last night I made it through the evening following my plan 100%. I even did some stuff for fun, and felt relaxed and calm. Hopefully, I've gotten past that rough patch.

2 days until WI! I'm not feeling as good about it as I want to be. I wonder how much damage a few bad days has done.

Why I've been struggling...

2007-03-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

I think today it hit me that I'm feeling kind of depressed. I'm anxious about a lot of little things, and when I let myself put them aside, I still don't feel relaxed, I just feel sad. I don't know why I feel so sad...I just can't get myself excited about any of the things I enjoy right now. Watching a movie, reading my book, taking a bubble bath, playing a video game ... I don't know why I can't seem to get excited about any of it. I want to go home after work and feel relaxed and cheerful and make dinner and then do a couple things that are fun. But I don't feel like it.

I guess maybe I've used up a lot of energy being anxious about things, from my friend's upcoming wedding (and the corresponding bachelorette/shower stuff), possibly/probably buying a house soon, sticking to WW, cleaning the apartment, and I don't know what else. I just have a lot of things in the not-too-distant future, so I'm really antsy to get them over with. I keep looking ahead to when J's wedding is over and I don't have to be the maid of honor anymore, to when we find our house and get all the red tape dealt with, to when I've lost some more weight and have reached my 10%. And it leaves me little energy to think about right now, because I don't want it to be right now, I want to skip past all my stressors and relax.

But there is never really a time in life when there is no stress, is there? There is always something I can find to stress out about. I have to learn to stop worrying so much about what's coming up and savor the time I have right now. Life is too short to want to hit the fast-forward button. But I think that's part of what's been dragging me down the past few days...wishing every day was Friday, WI day, so I can get my pat on the back and positive reinforcement. I wish when I woke up I wasn't a maid of honor anymore, and didn't have to worry about whether my bridesmaids dress is going to need a ton of alterations or what the hell we are going to do about the shower. I wish that when payday comes on Friday, I could just pay off my entire credit card right now, instead of letting it take the 5 months it's going to take (it's going to take 5 months and we are not closing on a house until it's done).

I'm impatient, I'm anxious, I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm sad. I need to slow down a bit, stop chomping at the bit to get things out of my way, and focus on little pleasures like hanging out with K and playing games with him and watching movies and reading my book. And I guess I need to just do those things whether I feel like it or not, because I'm not going to feel any better by moping about how I feel or complaining or just sulking in the corner.

With that said, it's snack time. Ttyl.

I want it!

2007-03-26T21:40:00.000-04:00

I want to reach my 10%. I want to reach it more than almost any goal I have in my life right now. I want to get that keychain and the feeling of having achieved a goal that was put down on paper by someone else for me to reach. I want to prove to myself that I can do it - that I can hang in there and work hard and reach my goal.

I want my 10% goal.
Every second I am OP I am getting closer.
I will reach this milestone.
I can do this.
Every positive choice I make brings me nearer.

(Cue the Rocky music.)

Struggling

2007-03-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a lot of trouble controlling myself. I had several unplanned snacks and went over my points and WPAs for the week...and my Points don't reset until Friday. I am determined not to let this ruin my week though. I will not throw in the towel over one or two bad days!

I have a lot of great options for meals & snacks, and I'm going to just write some out for this week to help keep me focused.

Breakfast:
1 soft boiled egg (2), sprouted wheat toast (2), light butter (1), fruit (1) = 6
2 kashi golean waffles (3), cottage cheese (2), raspberries (1) = 6
cheerios (2), banana (2), milk (2) = 6
creamy pumpkin oatmeal (4), walnuts (2) = 6
kashi pilaf (3), milk (1), maple syrup (1), fruit (1) = 6

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine (6), Sugar-Free Pudding (1) = 7
FF Bologna Sandwich (3), Vegetable Soup (3) = 6

Snacks:
Cheddar (2), Apple (1) = 3
Cottage Cheese (2), Fruit (1) = 3
Handful of Nuts (2), Fruit (1) = 3
... I could go for some more snack ideas that have a good amount of protein.

Dinner:
Deep Dish Pizza Casserole (6)
Dhal Soup (7) with Naan (3)
Lowfat Nachos (10)
Pasta (5) with Sauce (1) and veggie crumbles (2)
Lowfat Grilled Cheese (4), Soup (varies)

I think I should relax about dinner a bit more than I have been, and remember that it really is ok to have sandwiches and soup for dinner, or eggs, or other stuff that is fairly easy and tasty.

If anyone has suggestions that are easy, tasty & healthy, feel free to pass them my way (except for breakfast because as it is I have way too many choices already!).

Getting Tough

2007-03-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm hitting a rough patch right now. This weekend wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Friday night I had a hard time being satisfied with dinner. Saturday as well, I just wanted to eat, and even after having a big dinner and using most of my WPAs, I still wanted a big dessert. I didn't have it, but that doesn't change the fact that inside my head I was kicking & screaming for a brownie sundae. And today...I went to the store and I made some food. I made a bad decision, which was to bake some WW mini cherry cheesecakes. I made them, ate two, and realized that I couldn't have these things in my home. So I threw them out. What a waste, I know ... but I feel like if they weren't in the trash, they'd be gone by tomorrow either way.

Why did I even think for a second it was ok to make mini cheesecakes? I know sugar is my problem. I've been doing fine without sweets in the house, my "desserts" being cereal (hot or cold) or a fruit smoothie.

I also bought some sugarfree pudding cups. I don't know if this is going to be trouble or not. Fortunately I don't like them *that* much.

I also bought some peanut butter. This has been a trigger food in the past. But I am desperate for more ways to get protein into my snacks...I am getting so sick of cottage cheese and eggs.

Since I'm confessing things I bought...I also bought some baked tortilla chips and salsa. This isn't so bad I guess. I wish I could have found some whole grain tortilla chips though. They just seem like empty calories.

I guess I'm just looking for ways to change up my meal routine. I like having similar things all week long, but I'd like to vary things on a weekly basis. It's hard though...so many typical snack foods are really just junk food. I want snacks that are really healthy as well as tasty and satisfying.

I guess this is just a little mental hurdle I am facing right now. I am still doing well. I just keep thinking back to summer of 2003 when I first did WW. I recently looked back at my weight loss chart from back then, and also other weight charts I had from 2004 and 2005. I forgot that I managed to go from 225 to the low 200's, and stay under 210 for at least 2 years. I wonder what really caused me to balloon. Was it my antidepressants? Stress? I just don't know. It seems like I gained so much so fast.

I keep looking in the mirror and touching my stomach and hips to see if I look or feel any different. I don't really, but sometimes I think maybe I do, just a little. But 9 pounds is just a drop in the bucket...I think I have a long way to go before I see some noticeable results. Many of my pants still feel snug after coming out of the dryer. No more snug than they did 9 pounds ago, but not noticeably less either. I want my 22's to get huge on me so I can go back to wearing the ten gazillion pairs of size 20 pants I have in my closet...and then for those to get huge so I can go back to wearing 18's. I haven't been under an 18 in a very long time...since sophomore year of college, actually. It's scary.

I also get these little bouts of feeling very excited. Like I forgot to do something simple and finally managed to remember after all this time. Like I'm really actually finally doing it! I wouldn't say something "clicked"...but it's like every other time was like getting on a bike and riding half a block and falling off. Now I've ridden about four blocks and I still don't feel too wobbly. I've been going to bed at night thinking about what it could be like in a couple of summers to feel ok wearing a bathing suit in public and to feel pretty when I dress up again.

And I think what's really amazing is that while I have certainly been focused, it's not the only thing on my mind. I haven't achieved that kind of balance for as long as I can remember.

So, I guess while things are tough, I have a lot to be happy & excited about. I need to remember how every day is a fresh start. Maybe this weekend was a little tough. Maybe today I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. But it's bedtime, and I can go to sleep and put it all behind me. When I wake up, it will be a brand new day with a clean slate and 1,000 little choices I can make to continue on the road to being the person I want to be.

Mid-Week Update

2007-03-21T12:58:00.000-04:00

I feel like the past few weeks I haven't been updating except to brag about my weigh-ins, and that's really not fair to those of you who stick around to read all my whining when things aren't going well. I'm sure (unless you are total sadists, and you aren't, are you?) that you would like to hear good things too!

Well, since the end of February, I have felt a lot more in control of myself and have been able to follow WW more completely than I have since my first go-round with WW in June 2003, when I lost about 25 lbs in 3 months. Granted, it hasn't even been quite a month yet, so I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch ... but this is still longer than I have been able to stay committed in a very long time, and I am really proud of myself for that. I guess what I am most proud of is that it hasn't ben 100% perfect, but the times when I have slipped or struggled, I worked to get myself back on track as soon as possible. I don't think slips here & there are going to destroy someone's weight loss efforts - what causes backslides are when you slip and then don't pick yourself back up for a few weeks or months.

So, things are going pretty well. There are some things I would like to focus more on, namely eating more vegetables and starting an exercise program. I am lucky if I eat one serving of veggies a day, which is far too little. Fruit is no problem - I love fruit and eat it several times a day everyday - but I'm not a huge fan of veggies (especially not salads) so it's harder to cram them in. But I will work on it, because I know how healthy they are. And I don't *dislike* them...I just don't love them so they're not a priority, they are the first thing I skip when I don't feel like making extra items with dinner.

As for starting an exercise program - I really do like exercising, but I don't really want to start a formal program just yet. There are a couple of reasons.

First, my daily Points target is relatively high. As I lose weight, my target will decrease. What I would like to do is make up for the Points I lose by losing weight by earning APs through exercise. That way I will be able to eat the same amount I am now, while theoretically still losing weight.

Second, in the past I have tried to solve all my life's problems in one fell swoop, and then have burned out fairly quickly. As I mentioned above, this is the first time in a long time I have done so well with my eating. I want to continue to master this and make it an ingrained part of my life before I start making additional demands of myself. Furthermore I am also working on other aspects of my life, such as keeping my budget in check and sticking to some cleaning routines to keep the apartment tidy, so the risk of burning out is high unless I continue to take things slowly.

Third, my favorite form of exercise is walking outside. Right now the trail I like to walk on is iced over from the winters, but in a few weeks it will be ripe for walking. I think that might be the best time to start a low-stress workout program of walking outside, which I would like to maintain through the spring, summer, and early fall (using WATP indoors when the weather isn't agreeable). Then in the fall, when I have built up some endurance and a better fitness level, I can join a gym and change up my workouts for the colder months. This is a plan I'm looking forward to, and it seems pretty sensible.

So, that's what has been on my mind. I have finally started taking a multivitamin in the morning, though I realized that since it's non-gender-specific it doesn't have extra calcium or iron. I will need to shop around for a new multivitamin I guess. The main problem for me is that many vitamins really hurt my stomach, even if I take them with a full meal. So, I suppose there is some trial and error to be done.

Well, that's all for now...I'm looking forward to posting after Friday morning's weigh-in. I hope I'll have a nice loss to report! When I hit 10 lbs lost my reward to myself is a cute new purse for spring. 3.2 lbs to go!

Another Week, Another Weigh In

2007-03-16T22:14:00.000-04:00

Despite having a *really* rough week, going over my WPAs 2 days into my WW week, and having to fight tooth & nail not to completely fall off the wagon, I still managed to have a decent weigh-in. I was down 0.4 lbs this week, which was a pleasant surprised. I would have been delighted to maintain.

The last couple of days had been pretty good, and I do feel motivated to keep picking myself up and not letting a bad day become a bad week. In the long run, I *know* that will be more important than being 100% perfect 100% of the time. As is my mantra: It's not about perfection, it's about persistence!

So, all in all, I have lost 6.8 lbs since February 2, 2007. That's really not bad for a month and a half. I've still got 20 lbs to go before reaching my 10%, but at least I'm starting to feel like I've taken a little chunk out of my weight instead of yo-yo-ing with the same 2 lbs.

In other news, I did want to give a snack suggestion ... while I am avoiding having sweet snacks often, I know a lot of people do not have the same issues with sweet foods that I do. I recently tried some new snack bars from Fiber One and was blown away. The Chocolate & Oat flavor bars are 2 points - but unlike other 2 point snack bars, they are quite large, quite filling, and amazingly tasty. I'm not even kidding ... they are *better* tasting than most chocolate chip granola bars I've tried (and a lot bigger). There is also a Peanut Butter flavor, but I haven't tried them yet. I'm a little afraid to - they're so good I would eat the whole box. But I really do think that they're a great snack for 2 points - way better for you than a Snickers bar and way more satisfying than a puny Kudos bar.

Friday's WI

2007-03-10T17:19:00.000-05:00

I wanted to check in to post about my awesome success at yesterday's WI - I was down 3.2 lbs this week! I was doubtful that my WI would be very good, because I used all of my WPAs & didn't always use them for the healthiest foods. I guess this just proves that as long as you are counting the points and *mostly* eat healthy, whole foods, that a few splurges that you keep track of are totally ok on WW.

I am very happy with this WI. Here's to another OP week!

Hello, Monday

2007-03-05T18:52:00.000-05:00

So, I have actually made it through a full week OP. Week 1 is always the easy week. Week 2 is when it starts to get rough. But I am not going to let Week 2 drag me down and Week 3 sink me. No way!

I have a LOT of weight to lose, and yet even 1 week of being OP, with a modest weight loss (0.8 lb) makes me somehow feel thinner. I mean I know it will be awhile before I have any noticeable change in my body, but at the same time, I just feel like my body is slimming down. Maybe that is why I get burnt out so fast. Maybe it's because I start to imagine changes that aren't there yet, and get frustrated when I'm not losing sizes after 2 or 3 weeks.

Who knows?

Anyway, today I am hunnnngry. I resisted the urge to get a hugely high-point baked good from Starbucks today, so at least I rock in that respect. But I need to make dinner before I decide to eat the cat.

I don't want to jinx myself, but ...

2007-03-02T23:15:00.000-05:00

Things are going ok right now!

For the past week, almost a full week, I have been OP ("on plan" or "on program" for those of you not down with the dieters' lingo). I have been doing WW (flex plan) while severely limiting my sugar. I came to a decision about sugar that I am happy with. I will not let sugary snacks come into my house. Cereal bars, granola bars, WW muffins, hot cocoa, pretty much anything chocolate ... these foods are major triggers and I can't control myself when there is a box of something like that waiting for me in the cabinet.

That said, I have decided that ONCE in awhile, when I am in a situation where I can control my portion and not be in a situation where I would or could go back for seconds, or secret-eat, that dessert is ok. But just limiting it severely for the past few weeks has really cut down on my cravings. I'm very satisfied with the real food I've been eating.

And it shows that my body is happy with these changes too. Despite using most of my flex points on Thursday on restaurant food, I was *still* down almost a full pound at my weigh in this morning. 0.8 lbs doesn't sound like much on its own, but to put it in perspective, if I lost 0.8 lb every week for a year, that would be over 40 lbs lost. Not too shabby!

So...I haven't been posting as frequently because I have been working with some of my buddies on a forum I frequent and posting a lot there. I get burnt out posting the same thing over & over again. But I did copy & paste my meal journals from Monday-Friday over at my semi-secret and sporadically-updated food blog, Shrinky Stuffs Her Craw. I figured it will be nice to be able to look back at a successful week all on one page to see what I did, should I lose inspiration again.

Anyway, I have been feeling pretty good, and pretty strong. I should probably post here more when I have good news, though, to show that I'm not completely incapable of getting my act together.

Have a great weekend, readers!

Just an Update

2007-02-27T11:46:00.000-05:00

First off, this is an interesting article from CNN about restaurant food: "Restaurants Promote 'Extreme Eating'"

Who'd have thought that broccoli & cheese pasta at Ruby Tuesday's would have more calories & fat than 2 steak dinners with 2 buttered baked potatoes and 2 caesar salads?

In other news, I had been in a slump but I picked myself back up again. I don't know why I struggle to stay OP so much. I guess part of it is that I've never really gotten over feeling like a failure for restarting & stopping so many times before. I feel like whenever I tell myself that I'm starting over, that I'm committed, that THIS time I am going to do it, that I'm ultimately just lying to myself.

Then there is the curse of the 3rd week. It seems that I can stay OP for 2 weeks. The first week is easy because I'm excited and giddy and motivated. The second week is hard, but I push myself. The third week I just stop caring and give up and eat whatever I want in whatever amounts, and fall off the wagon for awhile. There is no real reason for week 3 to be so hard. I am working with a buddy to stay focused and OP for all of 3 weeks just so we can prove to ourselves we can do it.

Other than that, right now I am in my first week and thus feeling pretty pumped. Yesterday was perfectly OP. Today I have a great & workable plan. I am going to try a couple of new recipes this week as well, to keep things interesting.

I just need to stay focused on what I've learned, about keeping sugary foods away and making sure I get enough protein to stay satisfied. I can do this.

Hello

2007-02-25T21:24:00.000-05:00

I'm still here, I'm just feeling a little depressed. I admit I fell off the sugar wagon, but I'm back OP. I just feel so tired and worn out. I don't know why I make things so hard for myself. It should be so easy to stay OP. I've done it before, I know I can do it. Part of the problem seems to be that I coddle myself, and I let other people coddle me as well. If everyone, including myself, is going to let me get away with excusing the way I treat my body, then it just makes it easier for me to keep slipping.

Anyway, this is my plan for tomorrow. WW & Low Sugar.

Target is 33 points.

B: Egg (2), Toast (2), Light Butter (1), Coffee (1) = 8 (25)
S: Almonds (2), Orange (1) = 3 (22)
L: Lean Cuisine Pizza (6) = 6 (16)
S: Cottage Cheese (2), Strawberries (1)= 3 (13)
D: Crockpot Soup (8), French Roll (2), Greens w/ Salad Spritz (0) = 10 (3)
S: Cheerios (2), Milk (1), Banana (2) = 5 (-2)
E: WATP 2-mile (+2) = +2 (0)

Sugar Blues

2007-02-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

I am craving right now. All I want are sweets and bready things. I do not want my cottage cheese and pear. I want a muffin or some cake. I have a headache and I'm tired and oh so cranky. I feel like a sweet snack would make me a sweet person right now. That it would make me feel better and that it would get rid of my headache. I suspect I feel kind of crappy because of sugar withdrawal, at least in part. That just makes it even more important not to cave.

I can do it. I just have to make it through another hour at work. Then I can go home and relax. I can take a nice bubble bath, watch a movie, cook something good for dinner. I was thinking of making some whole wheat pasta with spinach, zucchini, and chicken. This sounds good in theory, but imagining it makes my stomach turn. I just want some bread. Just some plain bread.

It's not good for me. I go through these phases (btw, I'm not pregnant!) where I just feel queasy at the thought of "real" food, and all I want to eat are bagels and muffins and egg sandwiches. Basically anything you could get at a Dunkin Donuts. These phases usually lead right into extreme overeating, bingeing, and depression. Eating crap is not a way to make me feel better. If I still feel terrible, I can have some unsweetened Cream of Wheat for dinner for blandness, I suppose. But I need some vegetables and protein.

I thought it was my B-complex vitamin that was making me feel queasy - I can taste it for hours after I take it and it grosses me out. But I skipped it today and I feel just as queasy as I did yesterday.

We'll see, I guess. I just need to make it through today. That's all.

More reflecting

2007-02-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

Last week was mostly sugar-free ... I'm still doing a lot of reading and research and trying to pay attention to my body. There was a minor bump in the road this weekend and I spent a couple of days nursing a bad stomach with bland carby foods, some of which were very sugar laden. It was scary because I could feel the dramatic impact of sugar on how my body felt.

Last night I made the decision to get back on the wagon. I attended an OA meeting (online) and made a meal plan for today, which I am following to the letter, so far.

It's a little hard because there is sugar everywhere. Especially with Valentine's Day being today and Easter coming up next. Try going into a supermarket or drugstore and ignoring the candy. It's impossible, it's bright and colorful and attention-grabbing.

I've been doing a lot of reading about recovery from sugar/food addictions and it's a little overwhelming. There are tremendous amounts of conflicting information. Everything has to be taken with a grain of salt, to boot. From strict 3-meals a day to eating every 2-3 hours; from banning all sugar/flour/wheat to learning about your own personal sensitivities and triggers.

Another thing I find frustrating is that I have yet to find a really good, comprehensive online resource or community for sugar addicts. It surprises me that it doesn't seem like this exists. There are ones that support certain diets, but I'd want to read something more generic.

Let me know if you know of any resources I'm missing.

All the while I am still going to WW meetings. What can I say, I like the encouragement and the monitoring. I do think it's important to pay attention to the scale on some level, because the last time I decided to ignore the scale, I gained a lot of weight in a relatively short period of time.

But am I a Weight Watcher? What am I? I'm confused, that's what I am. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself, but that I still have a lot left to learn.

WI Friday

2007-02-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

Today I went to my WW meeting, first thing in the morning before work, as I usually try to do. This past week, my emphasis has been on avoiding sugar, and trying to identify the difference between cravings and hunger and try to only eat due to the latter. I did not do a good job of watching portions and counting Points ... I didn't even really try to count points, I was just trying to get started on eliminating sugar from my diet.

So when I went to my WI this morning, I was thoroughly surprised and delighted to have been down 2.6 lbs!

Of course there are many possible reasons for this. Last week I was PMS-ing, so that could have caused me to be up last week, thus helping in my sharp drop this week. Also, I am sure there is a good calorie reduction when you start replacing whole grains, fresh fruit & low fat dairy for muffins and cookies.

Anyway ... I'm trying to not think ahead to next week too much. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing but with more of a focus on portion control. One minute, One hour, One day at a time. I am not going to eat refined sugar today. I can do it for today. The shadow of the thought of how I can do this indefinitely keeps sneaking into my mind. I need to push it aside and focus on today though. The future is too scary and unpredictable, and it just makes me doubt myself. I can't afford that doubt right now!

I'm thinking I might need to do a 1 or 2 week detox from all refined carbs as well. That seems like it would be tough, but possible, and maybe enlightening to see how I feel after doing that for a few days. I will think about that and try to cut down on the refined carbs a bit more this week. I find that I get the most refined carbs at lunchtime from eating Lean Cuisines. But I don't know any lunches that I like that would be equally easy for me to bring every day. For now they aren't a huge problem, so maybe I will just try to pick the ones that aren't as carb-based like the pizzas, paninis, and pastas (you know, the ones that I like the best). Hmmm...maybe that is the reason I like them best, after all.

At any rate, I am feeling good about my progress this week, and about how I have been eating. I have replaced a lot of empty calories with more nutritious snacks - mostly raw almonds, fresh fruit, lowfat cottage cheese, and whole grain, unsweetened cereals. And I have been drinking a lot of water as well. Obviously that's always a good thing.

I'm also trying to avoid fake sweeteners as well. I've read a few places that they still trigger the same cravings that sugar does, and I don't really think they are that great for you. It's hard because I've been in the habit of putting Splenda or Sweet'n'Low in my coffee, and ordering Diet Cokes in restaurants, but in the long run I think that it will be a lot better for me to avoid it when possible. I may try Stevia for my coffee, but I'm stupidly afraid to try it. Why? I don't know. I think I heard once that it tastes like licorice and that a lot of people don't really like it. But I suppose the only way to find out if I will like it is to buy a box and try it. One brand in the health food section of my supermarket carries packets of it, which would be perfect for coffee purposes.

Reflecting

2007-02-07T10:04:00.000-05:00

So, as I mentioned, yesterday was a rough day for me, emotionally. I had a few bouts of tears throughout the day, including one in the afternoon at my desk at work, which I tried to hide as best I could. It was good that I had an appointment with my therapist after work, and on my way home from that appointment, one of my mom's favorite songs (and the song I always associate with her), "Walking on Sunshine" came on the radio. I started laughing and crying and thought maybe it was some kind of omen - maybe, maybe not. But on some level it made me feel like things would be ok.

One of the things that always troubles me when I think about myself and my mom is my weight issues and food issues. My mom struggled her whole life with the same things. I have a journal she kept from when she was in Overeaters Anonymous and I do see a lot of myself in what she wrote.

And at the same time - I feel so incredibly sad because I know my mom would have wanted this obsession to end with her. I know this sounds awful, but I feel guilty because I think she would be disappointed in me. Maybe not disappointed in ME, but disappointed that this trend continued into the next generation.

I am learning though ... I am starting to feel very sure that sugar is the problem right now, the problem with my feeling out of control with food. Yesterday I ate moderate meals and I was very careful to not eat sweets or foods with a high amount of sugar. I had 2 times when I had some serious cravings - after lunch (which was a Lean Cuisine pizza and was possibly too high in sugar and refined carbs) and after dinner (which was balanced and healthy but I had 2 glasses of red wine which are high in sugar). Both times I made healthier snack choices - water, almonds, cottage cheese, and a pear after lunch (over the course of the afternoon), and a small bowl of plain Cheerios with milk for "dessert".

I'm starting to try to get into cooking again as well. I made a big pot of turkey/veggie chili on Sunday, and we have a bunch of leftovers in the fridge & freezer. Last night I used a 2-serving box of a "pasta side" to make a full meal - I sauteed a cut up chicken breast with some garlic and onion and zucchini and mixed that in with the pasta stuff. It came out really good. Last night & this morning I prepped ingredients for tonight's dinner which is in the Crockpot as we speak. Basically it is boneless pork chops, sweet onions, apples, and potatoes. I'll zap a bag of Steamfresh veggies when I get home and dinner will be complete.

So, at the very least, yesterday I let myself feel what I needed to feel, but didn't drown my sorrows too much in food or booze (ok, 2 glasses of wine). Today I am working on staying moderate with food as well. I have planned out all my meals and thus far am doing well and feeling balanced. I have almonds, 2 pieces of fruit, and cottage cheese for snacks if I get hungry. I have a Lean Cuisine panini for lunch. And I don't even have to worry about dinner since it's already cooking.

I'd also really like to exercise tonight. I know that will help my energy levels and mood, but I've been so lax about working out. Since I don't have to cook dinner tonight though, I will make it a priority. 2-mile WATP here I come.

February Sucks

2007-02-06T00:09:00.000-05:00

I feel bad that I know so many people with February birthdays, because I really, truly hate the month of February with a fervored passion. A large part is tomorrow...well, technically, today. My mom passed away 17 years ago today.

So very much has changed since then, and yet somehow there is a lot of the little girl I was in 1990 in me to this day. The scared, timid, shy, awkward, confused girl.

Anyway, so, I just generally feel depressed - more depressed than usual - during the month of February. Thank God it's such a short month. Spring still feels so far away at this point, but I need it so badly - for the air to smell alive again and for things to start turning green. It feels hard to be inspired to grow and change when the world itself is cold and bare.

Furthermore, I am pretty much totally off sugar ... and ugh, probably wine too ... so there isn't much for me to drown my sorrows in other than a warm bed. Grumble grumble grumble. I admit, I miss my fixes already.

Fresh New Day, Fresh New Week

2007-02-02T10:27:00.000-05:00

I am glad I went to my meeting this morning, even though I knew I had gained before I even walked in the door. I had only gained .25 lbs, which is really nothing to cry too much about considering how awful my week had been after the weekend.

But I love my WW leader - I am so glad I switched to Friday morning meetings - and the group that attends. It feels like a good way to kick off a fresh WW week. Whether the last week was bad or good, it's a new start, a clean slate. The past doesn't matter. All that matters is the present.

One guy in my WW meeting has lost 120+ lbs. He said today that the way he keeps going is to treat every single day like a fresh start - that way if he has one day of struggling, he can put it behind him the very next day. A lot of people in the meeting, even the lifetimers (and there are several) mentioned that they sometimes have weeks where they are OP for 3 days and struggle for the other 4. That it happens to everyone now and then and that they just have to give themselves a fresh start when they can.

I guess it's obvious, but it's helpful to me to be reminded to forgive myself for not being perfect - and for sometimes being downright terrible dietwise - and to just move on, accept my current state, and do what I can TODAY and THIS WEEK to make it better than YESTERDAY or LAST WEEK.

I have several things I want to work on to make my habits better, so I'm going to list what I can think of below. I don't know if I can reasonably expect myself to take it all on in one week though, since it's a drastic change from my current habits.

- Journal more - writing down all my meals including when I'm not OP
- Exercise more - WATP or elliptical trainer after work
- Cook more - Prepare healthy meals at home instead of relying so much on takeout
- Vitamins - Take a daily multivitamin
- Get more sleep - Well-rested Shrinky is a Shrinky that can make better choices
- Drink more water - I feel like this is becoming a problem for the first time
- More fruits & veggies - I can't remember eating vegetables this week :-/

My priorities for this week are:

- Drinking more water
- Journalling more
- Getting more sleep

So...I feel ready to make today great! For lunch I am going to a Chinese/Japanese buffet. I have a craving for sushi, so my plan is to stick to sushi, green beans (they have these yummy spicy ones), fruit & 2 dumplings. My afternoon snack is a banana and a handful of almonds. I don't know yet what to do for dinner. My husband will be at a poker game, so I might just get a Lean Cuisine pizza for myself.

Tomorrow is WI Day

2007-02-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my WI day and I'm not exactly excited. I am pretty sure it's going to be a gain. Despite having a really good weekend and staying in check with support from my sister, I let being tired and busy be an excuse for me to blow off all plans of trying to eat moderately and healthfully. Plus after work I started playing a certain evil video game again. I need to stop that crap, I don't care what Dr. Oz says - playing video games for me is just a way of avoiding responsibility and escaping from the real world. When I'm hooked, I'm hooked, and I stay up too late, eat crap because I don't feel like cooking, and don't do things that help me reach my goals like exercise or read or relax or write.

I so badly want this year to be a better year, and for me to be a better me. The better me is in here somewhere...I just know it. But I feel trapped by bad habits and addictive behaviors.

Part of me is scared. I am scared to quit sugar, alcohol & caffeine. The sugar I have mostly come to grips with. The caffeine is scarier than the sugar, but I can see it. But I just have this vision of me enjoying cooking a healthy meal and sipping on a glass of red wine in the kitchen while unwinding. I know that is a stupid reason not to give up alcohol. I have trouble envisioning a world without margaritas and beer and tropical umbrella drinks on the beach.

But alcoholic beverages are full of sugar. They make me hungry and impair my judgement. And I am afraid of replacing my addiction to sugar with a more solid addiction to alcohol. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family. And I certainly have an addictive personality. I eat and spend compulsively. Why should I tempt fates by having a glass or two of wine several times a week?

Anyway, I am going to bed...just things I'm thinking about. I can't say I'm committed. I am too afraid of giving things up to commit yet. But I'm thinking about it, and I am going back to losing the sugar in my household NOW.

What do I need?

2007-01-30T15:40:00.000-05:00

In the past hour I have told myself several things.

I *need* something to eat.
I *need* a snack.
I *can't* handle today without a snack break.
I *deserve* to go get something yummy out of the vending machine.
I *should* get my husband to take me out to dinner.
I *need* a margarita when today is done. And some molten chocolate cake.

I know I'm not truly hungry, and if I was I have some almonds and a juicy tangelo for an afternoon snack. But I'm not hungry. I am overwhelmed, I am tired, I am frustrated, I am confused. I feel incompetent and nervous and anxious. Work has gotten very busy all of a sudden and I feel like I can't handle it. On top of that, I didn't get much sleep last night, and the sleep I did get was filled with stressful dreams.

I am craving not sweets, but the feeling of relaxation, soothingness, release that I get from diving headfirst into something delicious. I feel like I need that little chemical escape from my rough day.

So, I am avoiding that vending machine for now. Maybe if I can't resist I will have some WW oatmeal (2 points) for my afternoon snack ... it has a bit of sweetness but not nearly as much sugar as the Peanut M&Ms I'm craving.

The Plan for Now

2007-01-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

I have set myself 3 mini-goals to shoot for in the next few weeks, maybe months. My last weigh in brought me to 260.2 ... so my first mini-goal is to lose 5.2 lbs from there, which will bring me to 255. The next 2 mini-goals are 250 & 245.

It kind of kills me to think that achieving these weights is some major achievement, because it's still so much higher than I ever expected to get to. But I have to put the past behind me and focus on where I'm at and where I want to be. And I'm not going to get under 200 if I don't first hit 255, 250, and 245. Those 15 lbs won't magically go away.

Tomorrow I am going to my WW meeting. I skipped last week's ... I don't think I had a good reason to skip except that I wasn't feeling "on" in terms of WW and I have been giving a friend a ride to work in the mornings. My husband was going to cover for me that morning, but I wound up saying it was ok, I'd do it, and skipping my meeting. This was not at my husband's urging, I just used giving E a ride as an excuse to get out of my meeting.

I'm really very good at making excuses when it behooves my inner brat. I'm really good at justifying the easy way out or immediate gratification.

I recently vented to some friends about how scared I am getting of my weight and how out of control I feel, and most of them are urging me to talk to a doctor because they think it's bizarre that my weight is so out of control. I will mention my concern about my weight to my doctor & endocrinologist, but I have to say I'm skeptical that there is a medical explanation for it. I mean, maybe it's a side effect of my anti-depressants. But the fact is that I eat way too much and I don't exercise regularly. It's not as if I'm eating right and working out and am still stuck at a high weight or gaining weight. I mean, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that if you counted my points on a "bad" day (of which I have a lot of when I am not actively being a WW nut) it would be over 70 points per day. My target is 33. Guess why I'm not losing weight unless I'm following WW strictly?

And yet I feel like there's a lot of enabling being done. I feel like people are constantly telling me to be easier on myself and to stop being such a perfectionist. But I'm very all-or-nothing in the way I do things...in the way I do almost everything. If I'm not being strict on WW, then heck, I am going hog-wild eating whatever strikes my fancy and beyond. And yes I really do know why that doesn't make any sense...but the thing is I have trouble listening to my body. I don't really have a sense of hunger or appetite. I'm basically always food focused. If it's there, and it's tasty, I want to eat it, and I will eat to the point of feeling sick or running out of tasty things to eat. Unless I am being somewhat strict with myself, and then I am still food-focused, but I'm deliberately limiting what I eat.

So, I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I could make a few little rules for myself, but there are a lot of rules I feel I should impose on myself that I wouldn't naturally follow.

For example, I feel like I should:
- Exercise more (at least 4-5x per week)
- Eat more fruit & vegetables
- Write down what I eat
- Not drink liquid calories, including alcohol, except maybe red wine
- Not keep sugar in the house and eat sugar-free foods when possible
- Drink more tea, especially green tea
- Drink more water, count the glasses of water I drink
- Try harder to remember to take vitamins
- Cook more at home instead of takeout & delivery & convenience foods
- Learn new recipes
...

There has to be more than that. My life is ruled by "shoulds" and "ought tos". Then again, WW is full of shoulds & ought-tos. Where is a happy medium in there that will get me some results? I once was very religious about my exercise program for 2 consecutive months - I went to the gym 4x per week and did 30 minutes of intense cardio along with alternating rotations of upper & lower body weight training. But I didn't change my eating. And I gained weight! Not much, but I gained when I expected to lose! Listen, you can tell me it was muscle, but if I'm not losing a single pound in 2 months, and I'm over 200 lbs at 5'4", that's a problem. No wonder I didn't stay motivated when I finally stepped on the scale!

So, some things need to change together. Diet and exercise, not one or the other. They are both in serious need of repair. But the enormity of the changes I have to make overwhelms the crap out of me. No wonder I tend to burn out after a couple weeks of being "good".

2007-01-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm trying to take this one day at a time. Overall I've felt so mixed up, confused, frustrated, upset. I can't worry about tomorrow or yesterday anymore. At least for today, I am going to stay OP. It won't necessarily be easy - I already had an argument with myself over getting a chocolate chip muffin for a "second breakfast" (I know, what am I, a hobbit?), but the part of me that wants to reclaim my health and control over my weight won that debate. It's not to say I don't still want some junk, but I want to get through today even more.

I might start doing online OA meetings again. There is a place online where they are held every 3 hours on the hour. It's kind of amazing how something like that has remained so organized and well-maintained.

Attention Jerks

2007-01-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

Stop trying to leave comments promoting your diet "vitamins" on my blog. I moderate all comments before they're posted, so it's a tremendous waste of both of our time.

I've re-added the word verification bullshit to the commenting. I'm sorry that I had to do this, but you can blame "Bret" for this.

2007-01-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

Day two of charting my mood, energy levels, meal components, hunger levels, appetite, etc. One thing I have noticed is that my typical meals are mainly simple carbohydrates and fats. Something tells me that this is going to have to change eventually. But for the time being, I'm going to keep on tracking until all 7 days' worth of charts are filled out. I'm kind of antsy because I want to read ahead in the book, but I'm not supposed to read past where I've gotten to. Probably so as to not bias what I'm eating right now or what I put as my responses to how I feel before/after eating.

One thing I can say is that I feel downright queasy today. It might be stress - I've certainly got a lot of little things that are bugging me. It also might be poor diet - we've been getting takeout a lot. You know what I'm craving? A big bowl of oatmeal with raisins and walnuts and honey. It's not exactly low cal, but it's got some stuff I think I need. Plus it's bland and the thought of eating it doesn't make me feel green in the gills. I'd love to crave a big salad right now, but it makes me feel sick to think of eating veggies right now. I could go for fruit, yogurt, oatmeal, nuts - basically things that are mostly bland and/or sweet. I might be able to eat eggs.

I'm also very tired. My wrist is in so much pain that I keep waking up from it hurting. It's worrying me that it's not getting any better despite the wrist brace and Advil. I have a doctor's appointment, but they couldn't squeeze me in until a week from today. And I'm sure that will just be a springboard to seeing a specialist and getting some x-rays or whatever they do.

I feel like I'm always going to the doctor. Does it seem that way to you, dear readers? I must sound like a total wreck. Today I just saw my ob/gyn for my yearly happyfuntime appointment. So that wasn't a "sick" visit or anything. And I see my psych dr about every 4-6 weeks (for now) and my therapist every 2-3 weeks. I see my primary doctor once a year for physicals (I'm actually good about this) and whenever I'm sick. And I also see my endocrinologist every year because ... ugh ... I have a "goiter". That word, goiter, makes me sick. So let's call it an "enlarged thyroid". It bothers me because there is nothing medically wrong with my thyroid except that it is enlarged, so we have to just keep an eye on it indefinitely. Fun fun fun. So I guess I do see a lot of doctors. I hope I get my weight in check SOON so that I don't have to add more to my list when my health catches up to my weight.

Anyway, I'm very tired. I do feel like I sorely need a good workout tonight, at least a WATP 2-mile, maybe a WATP 3-mile. When I skip too many workouts and get lazy I start to feel like my blood is going stagnant in my muscles, like instead of pumping fresh red blood, it's pumping pancake syrup or molasses. I know that's not true, but I just start to feel gross all over my body - not in a fat way, but in a very lazy, sluggish way. I need to listen to that and get my butt moving a little more regularly. I know it will give me a little extra pep and a nice mood boost in addition to fixing the slug-like feeling.

Well, I will be out & about most of the weekend so I doubt I'll post again until Monday, so have a great weekend, everybody!

My Current Project

2007-01-18T16:10:00.001-05:00

Let me say one thing before I explain what I'm doing - I just don't want to hear about how it's a waste of time and [insert name of diet] works for you and there's no need to experiment with anything else. Sorry to be snippy, but I'm tired of comments that seem to almost be chastising me for experimenting with different things.

That said, I am reading a book I picked up. It has a very cheesy title: How To Make Almost Any Diet Work, by Anne Katherine. Despite the cheesalicious title, it seems to focus very much on learning how the chemicals in food affect your body / appetite / mood / etc.

Right now I am doing an exercise in the book that involves filling out a chart every day for 7 days. You're supposed to log your mood / appetite / hunger / other crap every hour, and also log the general composition of each meal (sort of what % of your meal was protein, fat, simple carbs, complex carbs). The goal is to just eat "normally", not trying to be "good" or "bad", for this week, to get a good picture of how the foods I'd normally eat affect me.

So far I'm staying on top of the chart, but man, every hour is a bit daunting. I do think that at the end of the week, it will be very interesting to analyze the results of this. I've never really dedicated myself to diagnosing a problem in any great detail, so I'm looking forward to the next step and analysing the data.

In other news...man, I'm sleepy today! Zzz.

It's not fair

2007-01-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

This is something I posted on the BCB message board in response to a post about being angry about having to do all this WW stuff. That's a sentiment I feel frequently, and this was my response. I'm posting it here because it's something that I need to remind MYSELF of quite frequently.

It's NOT fair that it seems like a lot of people can eat all kinds of crap, and still be skinny. It's not fair that we have to watch what we eat to lose weight and stay at a healthy weight. It's not fair that it seems like the easiest & tastiest foods are the worst for you.

One thing I have been working on accepting is that it's NOT FAIR but that life is often not fair. We can't compare our lots in life to other people's. Someone else will always be better looking, richer, luckier, have a faster metabolism, etc. It's not fair that a twit like Paris Hilton has the world handed to her on a silver platter while we have to actually work for a living. It's not fair that so-and-so can pig out and never gain an ounce.

But I think another issue is seeing what we want to see. We see people indulging in foods in restaurants and maybe assume that they can eat whatever they want without gaining anything, just because they are skinny and eating junk food. But maybe they ate light for the rest of the week so that they could indulge in a meal out. Maybe they run a few miles a day. Maybe they only go out once a month. Maybe they will only eat half of their meal, and give the rest to their boyfriend or dog or eat it for lunch. Maybe they'll skip dessert.

I think one thing a lot of us WW-ers discount is that a lot of "naturally" thin people still eat a normal/low budget of calories, or are very active. I have noticed that the same size 2 coworker of mine who pigs out like you wouldn't believe at company lunches (seriously, think of what a sumo wrestler would eat, and then double it), also eats salads and sashimi for lunch MOST of the time. And she goes to the gym almost every morning and spends her weekends biking around for fun. And some of my other skinny coworkers who sometimes eat junk OFTEN are eating light yogurts and Lean Cuisines for lunch and not sneaking snacks all the time during the workday. And they're always talking about new workout classes they're checking out at the gym.

So...I guess the point is that most people have to strike a balance between what they eat. There is no reason you can't go to a microbrewery and have a juicy burger and an awesome beer. But either you might have to budget the rest of the week to indulge in a big meal like that, or you may choose instead to eat HALF of your burger and get some salad with ff dressing instead of the fries that come with. Or you can earn some APs before you go out to eat by going for a hike or bike ride or going for a run or whatever.

Most of us don't get a free ride in terms of our fitness, weight, or finances. It sucks, but we just need to accept it and instead find ways to indulge within the rules of our bodies. We can indulge, it just needs to be in balance with the rest of our week.

Weekend Recap

2007-01-14T21:13:00.000-05:00

This weekend was not so bad. Friday morning I went to my WW meeting, as I already mentioned, and had a 1.4 lb loss. Yippie! Friday & Saturday were both good OP days where I had some indulgences but kept things under control and in moderation.

Sunday has not been the best. I woke up at 6 am and binged. I haven't had a binge like that in a long time. Thinking about why it happened, I think my trigger point was making a stupid mistake yesterday with my finances - I used the wrong card to pay for something and I have to wait until Tuesday to work it out because of the bank holiday on Monday. I am also very stressed because I am supposed to have an appt with my new ob/gyn Monday but I've had this breakthrough bleeding for over a week. I am on the Pill and I am not supposed to have this right now. It's starting to worry me because it's been going on for a week and has only gotten heavier. So I have to remember to call my new dr's office tomorrow and explain the situation. I have no idea if they'll still want me to come in or what. I'm also stressed because I brought my car in to be serviced over the weekend, but it needs so much work that they told me to bring it back for later this week. So it's just another thing unfinished.

I also am feeling down because my wrist has been hurting me and none of the usual treatments (splint, ice, advil) are helping.

Anyway, the good thing about today is that it's mostly over. I'm probably going to take a bubble bath and go to sleep in a little bit. I am feeling kind of depressed, but tomorrow is a new day.

Doing better

2007-01-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

Today is a lot better than last night. A good night's sleep and a good WW meeting have definitely done me well. I was delighted to find that I lost 1.4 lbs since my last WI. I don't know why, but I expected to see a gain. So I was really happy about that.

And there's just something about a fresh new WW week that's refreshing and renewing. I feel more optimistic. One day/week at a time. That's all there is to it.

I was supposed to go out for sushi for lunch with a coworker, but she's out today. I guess I will go home, have some fresh fruit & a Lean Cuisine, and maybe take a little nap or read for a little bit. I loooooove going home in the middle of the day. It feels so luxurious.

Really Down

2007-01-11T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling really down. I don't know why. I have this soul-aching despair going on. I think once again I have no belief or faith in myself that I can lose weight. And even if I can lose some weight, I don't believe I can keep it off, or even lose nearly what I need to lose.

Where is this despair coming from? Why am I hurting right now? I can't even figure out what triggered it. I just feel so useless and like my whole life and all my efforts are pointless.

Maybe this isn't just a weight loss thing. I just wish I could make some progress on my weight loss once and for all. I'm not myself in this body. I'm something a lot more pathetic and weak than I should be. The past 4 or 5 years have really destroyed things in me and I don't know why that happened, or how or if I can get them back. Where's the fire, the hope, the strength, the optimism?

I'm sticking with my plan to go to my WW meeting first thing tomorrow morning. Whatever the scale says, I'll take. I just have to go, and face it. No more claiming to be a Weight Watcher without going to meetings. It's not fair to myself. Tomorrow starts a new WW week, a clean start.

I need to realize that this is a temporary mood. This is my depression speaking. And it's worse because of my period. It's always so much worse around my period. It will pass...I just need to hang on.

I need to cheer myself up. I will take a warm shower and get into my comfiest pajamas and get into bed and read a magazine for a little bit, and then get enough sleep. It will be ok. I'll be fine.

It really pisses me off that my existence is often just finding ways to bribe myself out of a really dark depression. There has to be more to life than this. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot.

I love exercise!

2007-01-08T23:17:00.000-05:00

I love exercise! Why oh why didn't I jump back in sooner? It feels so good. Maybe the actual working out isn't always The Most Fun Thing Evar, but afterwards my mind just feels so much clearer and my mood so much better. Hooray for un-assing the sofa!

Today was also a nice WW day in terms of what I ate. I did let myself get suckered into buying a new flavor of Right Bites at the supermarket (Fudge Shoppe Grasshopper cookies - chocolate mint, come on, I'm not a robot!) and I had 2 bags (4 points) for dessert, and those came out of my WPAs. Still, overall my meals were balanced and I feel good.

So, diet & exercise are back in check, next comes sleep. Which literally is coming next, because I am going to bed...oh...right now. Goodnight!

It can't be over...!

2007-01-08T00:32:00.000-05:00

The weekend can't be over yet...it just can't! Ugh, ok, fine, maybe it is. But I don't have to like it.

Things in Shrinky-land are ok. I am mostly better and mostly caught up on sleep (but I am up and it's quite late, so I have to stop doing this).

Something weird has been happening. I am getting a ridiculous amount of e-mail from this blog, which weirds me out because this site doesn't get much traffic and isn't very good.

I also realize that some of my friends from BCB have noticed I've gone a little silent. I'm still posting and I'm still browsing, but I have decided the following:

1. I am going to continue with WW Flex Plan (I read the South Beach book this weekend, really unimpressed ... could it be any more vague?!)
2. I am going to track my accountability on the eTools Plan Manager.
3. I am not going to track my accountability on BCB anymore for the time being.

So...I haven't left, I just needed to bring the focus back to myself for awhile. I'm kind of indulging in being self-centered for awhile while I take care of myself.

Because of the holidays & being sick, I haven't been to a meeting since before Christmas, but I am going in and weighing in on Friday (Jan 12). I also think I may start home weigh-ins on a daily basis so I can chart daily fluctuations, just because I think it would be interesting.

Well, it's bedtime, and then time to start a brand new workweek (yay?). I had a nice weekend & I hope all of you did too.

Much Better

2007-01-05T09:35:00.000-05:00

First off, thank you to everyone who left "feel better" comments - it's much appreciated!

I am finally feeling a lot better, both physically & mentally. I guess the holidays are a rough time for me, so I was feeling kind of down, and combining that with feeling very sick *and* sore, and my usual depression & self-loathing ... well, I was in a bad place.

But last night I had an appointment with that crazy therapist (Nutty McAppletree), and I went in prepared to explain my personal frustrations and goals in a clearer way. And I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure she got it. That it's not just about emotional eating, that I'm at no loss for things to do to fill my time, and that all of this goes way back to my childhood.

And amazingly enough, she said two things that struck a chord with me.

1. That I should view taking care of myself (in terms of diet, exercise, beauty routines, having fun, doing things I want to do to reach my goals in life) as a way of making up for the fact that I wasn't taken care of in the best way when I was a child. That because my parents were so absorbed in their own problems, I missed out on a lot, so it's only right for me to make up for lost time now by nurturing myself and pampering myself.

2. She used the metaphor of tending a garden to taking care of yourself. That just a little attention and care each day over the course of weeks or months or year can keep my personal garden improving and becoming better and better, but that letting myself sink into these months-long depressions where I neglect my body, appearance, finances, apartment, relationships causes the garden to start to wilt and die, which makes it harder for me to get things blooming again. I guess I just really like the idea of having this garden with so much potential to be beautiful.

At any rate, I am feeling optimistic. I woke up this morning and had a healthy and nutritious breakfast, took the time to put on some makeup so I look all pretty, and am generally feeling just dandy.

My friend lent me her copy of the South Beach Diet book to read through this weekend. Her & her husband have had some serious success with the program in the past, and have recommitted to it in the New Year. I am fairly familiar with how the program works, and once you get into the Phase 2 part it is actually very similar to Weight Watchers' Core program. But at the same time...I dunno. I can see the benefit in starting fresh with something new, but I don't know if doing something new would make a lick of difference. My problem has never been finding a diet program that works. As far as I'm concerned (and as far as studies have shown), it doesn't matter which diet you follow - if you are consistent you will lose weight. The excuses I use to veer from Weight Watchers would be just as able to derail me from South Beach, or the Sonoma Diet, or any other diet plan on earth.

And yet, I can't help but feel a little tempted to try it. I like the idea of Phase 1, 2 weeks of a more stringent plan to break your body of the sugar & simple carbohydrate addiction. I've even made a list of things I could eat during Phase 1. I guess I will read the book and contemplate things.

Still here, Still sick...

2007-01-02T09:48:00.000-05:00

Still sick ... ear infection + sinus infection = blegh.

I decided to start actually using the eTools points tracker though, which is always fun. I am also toying with the idea of exercising a little tonight, depending on how I feel. What I really need is sleep. I haven't really had a good night's sleep in over a week. First it was being at my in laws', and their guest bed is so uncomfortable, neither my husband nor I could sleep on it. Then once I got home, being sick made it hard to sleep ... I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt, my ears hurt, my head hurt, and it was just too uncomfortable to sleep.

And that's how I learned that Vick's changed the formula to NyQuil! It doesn't work anymore. It's total crap. To get similar results to original NyQuil, I have determined that 2 Tylenol PM + 1 dose of pseudoephedrine + Delsym cough syrup does the trick. I suppose to get the full potent NyQuil knock-you-on-your-ass results, you could wash all that down with a shot of whiskey. I did not do that - I have been avoiding alcohol like the plague. I feel perpetually thirsty due to the sore throat so I don't need to consume anything that will dehydrate me further (and leech the vitamins from my body - I need them).

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do, and here I am, procrastinating. Bad bad bad shrinky!

Return of the Snot Monster

2006-12-28T16:24:00.000-05:00

Yep, this cold is in full force. My ears and throat are killing me, so I suspect that it's an ear infection. I'm one of those lucky people who continue to get ear infections as an adult. As a side note, an ear infection could partially explain how I lost my balance and fell down the stairs the other day.

At any rate, I am tired, cold, feeling crappy, and ready to go home and get into my jammies and sleep for a month. It hurts to swallow which is just the most awful thing ever because it makes it hard to do anything comfortably, even sleep. But it isn't as bad as my raging strep of 1995 so I really can't complain. My raging strep haunts me to this day, I was bedridden for a week, home for 2. It was resistant to the first antibiotic I was put on, and I was unable to eat anything but jello & popsicles during that time - anything else hurt too much to swallow.

I am a bit of a big baby when I am sick. It makes me sad that my parents are nowhere nearby to make me some chicken soup. My husband could make me chicken soup, but he'd have to make it from a can. I don't know if I actually have an appetite though. I might just have some tea and NyQuil for dinner tonight.

Thank goodness for Puffs Plus though. My nose is far less chapped from snot-blowing compared to how it would be with ordinary facial tissues.

Um...believe it or not I was thinking about weight loss and health and the new year and all that...I really was. It's just not easy to form a cohesive plan when I'm shivering at my desk. This week sucks. Why did I have to get sick THIS week?

Oh I know why I wanted to post. It's because of how I felt being at my in laws'. My in laws' are nice enough people, however I get the impression that they DO NOT LIKE FAT PEOPLE. At first I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive, until I was talking to one of my SILs who is also married into the family. She mentioned that she often felt like they didn't like her until she lost her weight.

The grandparents often make snarks about fat celebrities or fat people. The grandmother likes to offer me salad when she's offering everyone else sandwiches or whatever. She also gives me smaller portions than everyone else. Nothing huge, just lots of little things that I try to ignore, but can't. It just makes me feel gross and uncomfortable. Not even in a blaming-myself kind of way. It just makes me angry, it makes me feel like they are slithering snakes who are all up to something. I wonder if they hold meetings on discussing what to do about the fat daughter-in-law in the basement at midnight and sacrifice obese orphan children to the god of perfect bodies and type-a personalities.

In addition to that, I have an appointment with Nutty McAppletree, the crazy therapist, next week. I promised myself I would write down some notes on what I want to say and what I want to get out of my time with her. I am anxious though - I don't know if there is any hope for a woman who suggests flying a kite or playing solitaire as the perfect solution to binge eating. And then reads me a story about an apple tree.

One more chance. That's all I will give.

I wish I was feeling better. I need some mental clarity and energy, stat.

Trifecta of Crap

2006-12-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

Right now I am dealing with a sudden trifecta of crap.

1. I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday.
2. I woke up this morning with some bad flu symptoms.
3. Aunt Flo decided to pay a goddamn visit.

In general I am feeling very depressed & pessimistic right now. I don't want to talk to anybody really because I'm just going to whine about "woe is me". I haven't slept well in days. At first it was just because the bed at my in-laws' was uncomfortable, but now that I am back home, I still can't sleep because now my body is covered in huge painful bruises. And my throat hurts. And I'm crampy.

To add to my woe is me whine whine whine fest, I am the only person I know who has to work this week. Only about 20% of the normal employees are here this week, but I have no vacation or sick time left for 2006, so here I am. And I feel guilty that I'm getting nothing done, but I'm drugged up on cold medicine and I ache all over. I can't even tell if it's from falling down the stairs or if it's flu-ache.

In general, I feel like a barrel of sunshine and rainbows.

But I realize that I am depressed because I am not feeling good. And that is understandable. I mean, do you really begrudge me my crankiness? You can't. You'd be in a shitty mood too if you hurt all over *and* you had to go to work *and* you had your period *and* it was your husband's birthday so you were trying to be nice and cheerful at home so as not to ruin the day for him.

I wanted to talk about 2007. I want badly to start 2007 with a clean slate. To put the depression and hopelessness and frustrations behind me. I am in a new place than I was when we rang in 2006. And now I physically hurt all over, and it makes it so hard to feel hopeful and creative and imaginative.

But I will heal, and maybe along with my body, I can work on really starting to heal my heart & my soul & my mind too.

Feeling better...

2006-12-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

I had been feeling discombobulated and not doing that great with the whole OP thing. But last night I don't know what happened, but something sort of snapped in me, urging me to cut the bullshit and get my shit together. I did the dishes that were weighing down on my soul, and then made a meal plan for today.

And today when I woke up, I didn't question it. I just had my planned breakfast. And I'm going to have my planned lunch. And I'm looking forward to my planned dinner. I know that it won't always be easy but today it's easy again and for that I am grateful. I need a full day OP to get the ball rolling again, and to get me mentally where I need to be.

It does piss me off that Christmas is just a few days away and I will have to spend a few days with the in-laws. I won't have the same control over my food. But I just have to remember that this is going to be my work day plan, so as soon as I'm back from the in-laws, I go back to cereal + fruit + milk + coffee = breakfast and lean cuisine + fruit = lunch plan, and things should work from there.

Dinners have been hard. To make things easier on myself I am going to run to Trader Joe's after work and stock up on some of their frozen meal thingies. They have burritos and risottos and pasta dishes and stir fries that are all relatively low point, tasty, and relatively cheap. So, that should also be helpful. And frozen fruit and veggies too.

So, I've picked myself back up again. I don't know if I'll see a loss this week, or even next week, but I know that I'm at least doing the right things for myself when I can pull my shit back together.

100th Post!

2006-12-19T17:39:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should have a party or something.

But I'm not. Not, really.

But I do think I need to make this whole WW thing easier on me. I was reading that book everyone is crazy about, You on a Diet, (great read, btw), and one of the suggestions is to pick 2 meals a day where you eat the same thing each day. Sounds kind of boring, but it also sounds like it would make life oh so easy. Less decisions to make, thus less of a chance to make the wrong decision.

I am going to give this a whirl, at least for work days. Breakfast and Lunch are pretty routine and are the easiest to automate. Breakfast will be a bowl of whole grain, low sugar cereal, with a piece of fruit (preferably a sliced banana, my favorite) and 1% milk, and coffee. I was thinking Lunch should follow my standard Lean Cuisine + piece of Fruit routine, so I will do that for now. But I do eventually want to cut out the processed foods. I think by the time the weather warms up, I will switch to salads with beans & chicken. My afternoon snack will be yogurt or cottage cheese with another piece of fruit. And dinner is flexible.

I am getting very frustrated with how I am always buying groceries with the intention of making healthy meals and eating them, but I put off my healthy dinners and meal plans and the crap goes bad, and I have to throw it out.

I am going to have to start making dinner meal plans for the week before I go shopping, and only get enough stuff to make those dinners. I should also try & base some dinners on ingredients that are either non-perishable or freezable, so that if a dinner plan gets knocked out due to unforseen circumstances, I can rearrange the weekly meal plan without having to throw things in the trash.

Good for the waistline *and* the wallet!

I am excited because we have hot water in our apartment again. This means I can workout tonight! Woohoo!

Ho ho ho...!

2006-12-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am still here...I have just been preoccupied with the hectic holiday crap and also the fact that my apartment has no hot water due to the boiler biting the dust. Because I am a Virgo, this affects me even more than it might affect people with a more normal tolerance for feeling gross. We had been going to a friend's apartment to use his shower while ours was ice cold, but it was a 20-something bachelor's apartment and, well, my shower is cleaner. Plus he went away for the weekend, so my last *real* shower was Friday night...Sunday I tried my best to wash my hair in the sink and sponge bathe with the icy water, but I still feel kinda yucky. Is this TMI? If so, sorry.

It also affects my weight loss because I wasn't going to exercise without being able to shower afterwards. I mean, exercise is really important to be, but cleanliness is more important to me. Sorry, that's just how it is.

Anyway, supposedly this will be fixed by noon today. I am going home on my lunch break to try & take a shower (cross your fingers, toes, eyes, all of it). It's so inconvenient - I mean this affects not only bathing but also dishes & laundry, of which we have a huge backlog.

But yeah, I am trying to get back into the swing of living life like a normal person. Following WW, eating healthy, cooking, cleaning up after myself, enjoying life, etc. It's amazing how a week w/o hot water can totally disrupt that. I guess I am easily disrupted. I suppose that is something I should work on.

Oh, I don't think I mentioned my strange therapy experience from last week. It's kind of a long story, but basically I had an appointment with a new therapist who I really don't feel like I mesh with. At one point I mentioned my emotional eating, so she basically took it to mean that I needed some ideas for things I could do instead of eating. So she read to me from a list of 175 activities that I could do instead of eating. First of all, I get the point. I told her I had my own list. Second of all, that's not the point. I am never at a lack for things to do. I just either am too depressed to want to do them, or doing an activity does not yield the same physical results as eating.

Because let's face it, emotional eating does something to your body, like a drug. There's a high, a feeling of being soothed, like being tucked into a warm bed and being given a kiss on the forehead. Other things might be fun, but sinking into some forbidden foods and having the sugars course through your body is so far beyond an activity. It's a sedative. And she doesn't get that. Which is a problem.

That and she's a fucking idiot. But I am giving her one chance, where I explain why I didn't feel like the last session was helpful and try & verbalize what I do want to get out of therapy. But there is a huge part of me that wonders how helpful therapy will even be in the long run. I feel like a lot of my work can be done alone through writing and thinking and reading. I feel like some of my biggest breakthroughs have been while journalling or talking to friends. It seems like people put a lot of stock into therapy because they don't know what else to suggest, or they are just afraid for their friend/family member and want to put the responsibility onto a "professional".

Um, hmmm, what else is going on. I did rejoin meetings on Friday. Sweet Zombie Jesus is that joint busy on Friday mornings! I am afraid for how it will be once the New Year hits. I do think it will be a great routine though, a good way to kick off the weekend on a positive and healthy note.

In January I will most likely be joining the gym halfway between my office and home. I want to have more options for exercise. I feel like exercise is really key for me to get my health back in order, both mentally & physically. I want to feel strong again.

I'm also starting to see the joy in adopting girly girl habits. When we still had hot water, I was spending ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom putting skin masques on my face, plucking my eyebrows into submission, and soaking in a deliciously scented bubble bath. I want to encourage this, because while I'm primping and preening I am not eating, and because it makes me feel good about myself. And who couldn't use a little self-esteem boost?

Some of it is alien to me, I never was that much of a girly girl. I think part of it was my mom dying when I was young - I missed having an adult female in my life in my early pre-teens which seems to be when most girls are learning to do their own hair and all of that crap. And I missed out on a lot of it in my teen years too, somehow. And in college I was a slob wearing pajamas and sweats like everyone else. But I want to feel like I look pretty. Is that wrong? It feels kind of wrong, and I guess it is a little vain, but it's still healthier to binge on beauty products than on pizza and chocolate.

Regrouping

2006-12-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

Sorry for my not so happy posts recently ... I think the ups & downs are only exacerbated by the fact that I chose to rejoin WW in the winter holiday season. I honestly don't know if I will come out of this weighing any less, but I do know that I will come out of this season weighing less than I would have if I wasn't even trying.

This week is going to be a challenge, but I have done what I could to minimize temptation. I need to hit up the grocery store this evening because we are all out of good foods. I didn't have anything to bring for lunch today, so I will have to go to the salad bar at the cafe in my office building - last time I got a salad with greens & grilled chicken & a little bit of feta and balsamic vinaigrette, it was totally scrumptious and filling, so that is going to be my lunch. Tomorrow my department has a holiday lunch at a BBQ joint, but I have a good idea as to what I can order off the menu to stay on track (either a salad with grilled chicken or steak & dressing on the side, or a sandwich with a side of veggies). Thursday I was supposed to go to yet another lunch, this one at a Chinese buffet, but this one wasn't mandatory (the holiday lunch was, blegh), so I declined the invite. There is also a dessert party at our office on Thursday, so there is enough temptation for me to deal with there.

Friday is going to be a great day though. I am rejoining WW with their new monthly pass on Friday morning before work! I am extremely excited. It's great timing too since it's the first week of the new WW program, though this center has participated in the pilot of this program so most everyone there is familiar with it.

In other news...I found some new motivation. I want some non-plus size jeans so bad! If only I can get into a 14 or 16 misses...I could get some jeans like these which make me drool. I hate being restricted to Lane Bryant and the Avenue. Especially because Lane Bryant seems to be going downhill in terms of quality and styling ever since they were bought out by Charming Shoppes (the owners of Fashion Bug). I want to shop at Ann Taylor Loft and The Gap and The Limited and Banana Republic! And Anthropologie! And I will!

Not Good

2006-12-11T11:47:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling tired, overwhelmed, and anxious for the past week or so, and consequently have been off program. I need to refocus, but I can't even think straight. Between work and home and holidays...life just feels like a whirlwind. I spent all weekend traveling so I feel like I have missed a chance to recharge my batteries, which I sorely need to do. Why when I am tired do I feel the need to eat to recharge my batteries? You know what would be even better? Just letting myself relax, soak in a hot bubble bath, watch some tv on the couch in my flannel pajamas, have some hot tea or even a glass of wine, getting to sleep really early. I also feel like getting some cleaning done would help me to relax - one week of slacking off has turned my home into a pit.

Anyway, I have to go to a training class for work so I've got to run. But I am updating to admit that I have been off program but I am working on it. I need to take care of myself, not only with good food and exercise, but with rest and stress-relief and relaxation. I deserve it.

I can't wait until New Year's. I hereby declare that I will *not* throw a party. Instead I will wear pajamas and drink champagne and make a WW friendly crudite plate and watch movies with my husband. WW.com actually has a recipe for a healthy cheese fondue as well...maybe we will have a New Year's fondue party for just the two of us.

Chocolates Galore

2006-12-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

At work, one of the upper managers brought in a basket the size of a large laundry basket filled to the brim with every chocolate treat imaginable. I started out trying to have what I really wanted (one chocolate covered pretzel) and resisting the rest. However, as the day progressed and I got to watch more and more people walking by nibbling on assorted deliciousness, I broke down and took a Lindt truffle and a handful of peanut M&Ms and chocolate covered cherries (about 5 of each). For me, a little is never enough. I'm craving and craving and craving!

But it's not going to be a big deal if I can let the last dip into the chocolate stash be the end of it. I can go home and have my planned food and planned workout and by tomorrow, the chocolate cravings will be history.

It's just so hard to know it's sitting there. What's worse is that even though a large part of me knows that I want to lose weight and considers that a top priority, there is another part of me that wants the chocolate more than anything else, like a 4 year old kid throwing a tantrum. This part of me is making excuses and trying to justify having some more. These parts of me battle with each other constantly. My little food brat who wants the chocolate also wants me to bag the entire month of December.

"It's just too much of a pain in the ass," it says. "What's the point? You're already struggling and you're not going to accomplish anything anyway. You can't possibly stay OP. Why stress yourself out about it? Give it to deliciousness!"

I really need to shut that food brat up. I may not accomplish tremendous weight loss this month, but at the very least I am not going to gain weight. I hopefully will lose a few pounds. But I will not gain weight.

I just hate all of these upcoming holiday meals - work-sponsored holiday lunches at restaurants with nothing but artery-cloggers on the menu. Food filled treats all over the office. A long weekend at DH's grandparents' with lots of food. Then DH's birthday. If there was just *one* event, *one* splurge ... I know I could handle it. But wtf? There are like 3 things happening each week.

Le Sigh

2006-12-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling physically crappy lately. Just tired & dragging. And even when I physically perk myself up, my brain feels like it's fat and lazy. I imagine my brain wearing sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt, lounging on a sofa watching bad tv and eating potato chips straight from the bag. I don't know how to get my brain active again where I don't feel so slow & sluggish.

I also had a bit of a hissyfit this morning. So few of my clothes fit right. Most days I wear v-neck t-shirts layered over camis and under a cardigan. I feel too casual and kind of frumpy. Most of my pants don't fit. For some reason, the 2 pairs of jeans I bought at the Avenue like to spontaneously come unzipped. I'm sick of it. So today @ lunch I am going to Lane Bryant to get a couple pairs of pants and a few tops that fit nicely and make me feel good. Thank goodness for the gazillion coupons they send me. $50 off of $150 is good stuff.

Well, so far today is fairly OP. I got a bagel with light cc and coffee for breakfast. Not the best, but not the worst. Lunchtime I dunno what I'm going to do. I forgot to bring a frozen dinner for lunch, but since I'll be at the mall, I might grab either a half tuna sandwich from Au Bon Pain or maybe some chicken teriyaki from the Japanese place. I have to look up points values for stuff.

Since I feel sorta draggy and pathetic lately, I have made a decision to start going to WW meetings. I don't want to go on the weekends, so I've decided to make myself go to the 8 am meetings on Friday mornings before going to work. Their Monthly Pass is such a good deal, it's so tempting. And maybe the extra accountability is what I need.

Thinking about November

2006-12-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

I am thinking about the previous month, and how stupid it is that I feel bad about it. True, I did not lose a ton of weight or meet any huge milestones, but I did something even more significant. I stopped wishing I was working to get healthy, and I started taking action. I started exercising again, started watching what I ate and writing it down. I started stepping on the scale regularly instead of trying to pretend that it didn't exist. I stopped wishing that I'd get my shit together, and instead I started doing something about it.

It doesn't matter how much weight I'm down, the point is that I didn't gain weight and I didn't even maintain. I lost weight. Even if the balance only winds up being 3 pounds, I lost weight during the Thanksgiving month.

So you know what? I did good.

To help me continue doing something about my health & weight, I bought two new workout videos. Target had what seems like compilations of WATP videos. There were 2 compilations, and each had one of the videos I was planning on getting. I'd been planning on buying Walk & Kick and the 4-mile workout. The compilation that had the Walk & Kick had copies of the other WATP workouts I already have on it (1-mile, 2-mile, & 3-mile), but the other one that had the 4-mile workout had Walk & Jog (which I don't have) and a 1-mile muscle walk (or whatever it's called). So I got the 4-mile one, and I just ordered the Walk & Kick by itself from Amazon just now - I should get it on Wednesday thanks to Amazon prime.

One thing I am sort of mentally struggling with is what the best way for me to keep track of my food is. I failed to buy a Quiktrak journal on Friday because I misread the meetings schedule and the WW center was closed. I think I like the Quiktrak Journal best though. It's nicely organized and it feels so good to thumb back through completed pages. Alternatives include a regular nice notebook, WW Online (which I subscribe to but mostly for the calculators & recipe builder), and just logging it on BCB which I already do.

I'll probably just try again to get a Quiktrak journal - that's clearly what I really want, and it's really cheap (like $4 for a 12 week journal). Whenever i think about going to the WW center, I once again consider signing up for meetings ... but I know I'll just quit again. I know this is stupidly neurotic of me, but I only believe in weighing in first thing in the morning before eating or drinking anything, and while wearing the same outfit. This means that I can only do meetings (& weigh ins) on weekend mornings. Since I sometimes go away on the weekend, and sometimes sleep until very late and all the meetings are over, and the meetings are not that close to me...well, let's just say I have a track record for bagging the meetings.

I am more seriously contemplating joining Gold's gym in January. I'm enjoying working out at home right now, but eventually I'd like to start lifting some weights and using some quality cardio machines, and maybe even taking some classes to mix things up. Well, the gym is always there, for whenever I am ready. Since I'm enjoying home workouts, I should probably just continue with that until I feel like I need to change things around.

Bad news & Good news...

2006-12-01T11:55:00.001-05:00

The bad news is I think I'm getting my period. I have cramps. Ow.

The good news is if I'm PMS-ing, that might be part of why I'm 3 lbs up this week, and maybe it's just bloat.

Hello, December!

2006-12-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

Let's see if I can spend an entire month OP.

Despite one trip to Jersey and one trip to the Cape this month, I think it's do-able. Oh, and dinner at the Melting Pot for K's birthday. That's going to be the most tricky part I think, since it's the same WW week as Christmas. I would really like to give his mother a stern talking to about giving birth to my husband 2 days after Christmas. It really makes lots of things a pain in the ass.

I do have a confession to make though. I gained 3 lbs this week! I blame my 4-5 day Thanksgiving "break" from WW. By "break", I mean binge-fest. This is why it is a struggle to lose a single pound, but when I stop thinking about my goals, I pack 3 back on like it's absolutely nothing. I'm totally sick of it. It's not worth it. It wouldn't have happened if I had just enjoyed Thanksgiving and gotten right back on track the very next day.

Anyway...let's let bygones be bygones and focus on the present and the future. Today at lunch I'm going to try & pick up a 12-week WW QuikTrak diary, and then go to Target and see if I can find a workout DVD that looks appealling. I was going to make turkey chili tonight but when I went to the store ... I got everything for chili except the ground turkey breast! Gah! So I'm going to make it tomorrow ... tonight instead I'm probably just going to pick up some Panera or Subway for the husband and I. Or maybe talk him into taking me out for sushi. I'm feeling super tired and lazy so I'm not going to the grocery store after work for a second night in a row.

I *am* going to exercise tonight though.

In other news I have been doing well with tackling other things in my life that I had been putting off. I've made doctor's appts I needed to make, got my car damage appraised (finally), sent out more than half of our thank you notes, and have even been working on my writing quite a bit. I just have a huge project at work that's due Monday that I may have to take home with me over the weekend...so...I gotta stop blogging and get cracking on that. I am so tempted to procrastinate, but it's gotta get done one way or another.

Oh! I did want to ask though...a few months ago someone had given me a link to an online tool where you plugged in your weekly weight & your goal weight and it made a nice chart, plotting what it thought you would do and your actual progress on the graph. It was totally web-based and easy to use. If anyone knows what I'm talking about (my Google-fu is failing me), I will be forever grateful if you give me the link!

Inner Voices

2006-11-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

I am angry again today. The scale is not being a friend. Should I be surprised? Not really. Thursday-Sunday were so completely off program that I shouldn't be terribly shocked that it shows a gain. I guess I'm angry at myself for going off the program. Let's dance - it's easy - 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Whatever. I guess I'm still 1 step ahead which is better than nothing. And there's always next week. Every day is a chance to improve. It just pisses me off that I struggle with so many of the dozens of choices I'm confronted with every day.

If I want to get healthy, I'll do the right thing, right? You'd think so. But I don't always care. I think it's the depression, but there is a large part of my personality that is apathetic about the whole thing. Food is an instant antidepressant. When I am miserable, and I cheer myself up with something tasty, I can just feel it all over, from my head to my toes. Feelings of being soothed, calm, happy, relaxed, wonderful. It lasts long enough for it to be worth it when I'm sad. Yes it's ultimately destructive. But, I'm an addict, and it's so hard to say no when such a strong part of me wants to say yes and has logical reasons to say yes!

So, it's a struggle, and that alone makes me feel like crap. It should be easy. I should be happy about all of the healthy food I can eat and how I am able to exercise and keep up with my workout DVDs now. It's only been a few weeks and already I feel a physical improvement in my heart & lungs, extra endurance, extra energy, extra strength. I no longer feel like my body is a lump of lard waiting to fall over and die.

But I still think about bingeing. I still think about blowing off the program. These thoughts creep in a dozen or more times a day. And as much as I fight them off, I can't help but wonder how long I'm going to be able to keep this up. That one day, once again, I'm going to just crumble under the pressure of the little voices that tell me I should just treat myself to lunch out, to a brownie for a midafternoon snack, and then to order pizza for dinner and eat half. And that on the following day I'll get egg/bacon/cheese on a croissant and maybe also a Boston Cream donut because that way I can eat it while driving to work. And coffee with cream and real sugar. And the cycle will continue and I'll spiral out of control and find myself back here wondering why I let myself do that, maybe 50 pounds above my highest weight, starting over at square one with even farther to go and an even slower metabolism.

I guess the main problem with this thinking is that I really *do* believe that I will crumble, eventually. That I'm not going to be able to keep this up for much longer. That I'm a fraud and that I'm out of control and that I'm not a capable enough person to take care of myself. And that all of my fighting is ultimately going to be in vain.

Is that the depression talking or what? It sounds so dysfunctional when I write it out, but this is the best way I can express the inner battle that is going on. I hope that by writing it out and seeing in black & white how ridiculous my inner voices sound, that it will help me to change the way I think over time. That it's not futile to try and get to a healthy weight. Hell, even a healthier weight.

I just need to keep focusing on other things that make me happy. Reading, writing, playing games, movies, tv, even exercise. Spending time with my husband. I need to find new things to do as well. And I need to stop using food to procrastinate from doing things I have to do but don't want to do.

Bringing Shrinkyback (again!)

2006-11-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I stayed OP and I feel great about it. I did my 3-mile WATP workout, ate according to my plan, and still managed to relax, have fun, and get enough sleep. Of course having that day under my belt makes it even easier for today to be an OP day too.

Lean Cuisine Skillet Sensations are a total lifesaver! They're so easy to make, tasty, filling, and low point (4-5 points for half of a bag). Last night I made the garlic chicken one for me & my husband, along with a Steamfresh bag of green beans. Steamfresh veggies are also a major lifesaver. On some level, I feel bad about all the convenience foods I eat, but it's healthier than what I'd otherwise be eating (i.e. high fat convenience foods!).

Tomorrow night I'm going grocery shopping so I've been thinking about what meals I want to make in the next week or so. I am definitely going to make some turkey-veggie chili - it's so delicious and super filling. It's 6 points for a big serving, and it's full of veggies & lean protein. I'll post the recipe when I get the chance. Basically all I do is make regular chili according to a chili spice packet for 2 lbs of meat. I use ground chicken breast or ground turkey breast for 1 lb of the meat, and instead of a 2nd pound of meat, I chop up 2-3 zucchinis, a cup or two of mushrooms, and use a 15-oz can each of dark kidney beans, black beans, and red kidney beans. What amazes me about it, is that a lot of my guy friends who claim to hate veggies and typically like to eat a lot of crap say that they like my chili better than the chili I used to make (which was full fat, no veggies, lots of beef). I didn't tell them it was healthy, I just told them it was a new recipe I tried. Sometimes it's ok to be a little sneaky. ;-)

Also for December I am going to get myself a new workout DVD and I want to come up with a good way of tracking my food that I enjoy using. I might go to a WW center and pick up a 12-week QuikTrak diary. I love those things. Maybe I'll even *gasp* think about rejoining meetings...hmm...I don't know. I wish there was a WW center closer to either me or my office. I'll have to think on it. Maybe. I am doing pretty well without meetings though, so I might just save the money for rewards and clothes and fun stuff.

Rethinking...

2006-11-28T16:16:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm already taking back what I previously wrote about BCB. I feel so resistant to making a committment to do something whole-heartedly. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do. It's because any sort of food moderation feels like punishment on some level. "You don't get to have that, but all your skinny friends do."

Naturally my response is to say "Screw that", and have the forbidden fruit (or Snickers) anyway. And then I fall into the carbohydrate chain reaction where a candy bar begets a bagel which leads to some potato chips and regular Coke and maybe a couple of slices of pizza...for a *snack*.

But as I posted on BCB, I am sick of my excuses and self-pity. I took too long to get back on track this time. But I have to stop looking at Weight Watchers as punishment or a chore. It's a choice. A choice that I made. And I made it because I want to feel good! And look good! And be healthy!

I can easily make a different choice. I can choose to ignore my weight and my diet. But I have to remember that I truly do not believe that I have a limit with regards to how much weight I can gain. I took 3 months off from WW and tried to eat "intuitively". In all honesty, I don't even think my eating was *that* bad in that time. And yet I gained 30 lbs! I went from 230 to 260. And that will be the result, and then some, if I choose to relax and ignore my weight and my diet. It will only get worse, and it will only get harder. And I will keep having to buy bigger and bigger clothes as everything in my wardrobe gets tighter and tighter and less and less flattering.

Anyway, I have been back OP today. Doing well. Feeling ok. Tired though. And my damn cough came back. I hate this cough!

Back on Track

2006-11-26T23:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, well Thanksgiving was pretty wonderful, relaxing, peaceful, calm, tasty. The following Friday was also pretty nice, and on Saturday we hosted a big party with our friends and strong drinks, very very strong drinks. Today I slept late and nursed a hangover, reminded that I am no longer in college and can't handle that kind of partying.

So, I overindulged, I admit it. But this sort of stuff happens, what's important is getting right back on track, which is what I am doing. I am working on a meal plan tomorrow, am going to straighten up the kitchen, and psych myself up for YAY WEIGHT WATCHERS!

I have to remember how good I feel after exercising and how much better it feels to be eating real food instead of salty greasy sugary things. And that if most of my days are moderate and healthy, then a couple of overindulgent weekends are not going to kill me or make me stay fat. It's all about what you do the majority of the time.

I guess this mentality is part of why I don't entirely feel like I jive with BCB. Is it really wrong to feel this way? The BCB philosophy says so. Sometimes I think the BCB philosophy would have me go back there and ask for forgiveness and take 40 lashes and promise never to do it again. Maybe I don't want to be a person who freaks out over one meal. Maybe if I wasn't freaking out over one meal before that meal happened, it would have been limited to one meal instead of 4 days? The forbidden snacks are always the tastiest.

I do think that I overdid it and I never want to go that overboard again. I did good by getting rid of a lot of our leftovers, and forcing people to take cookies home that they brought, and throwing out seriously trigger-licious leftovers that I couldn't get rid of. But at the same time, I feel as though I could have done better by having a more healthy breakfast on Thanksgiving morning, by getting more exercise in all weekend, by using Friday as a rest day between parties to really stuff myself with veggies and fruits and healthy things. More than anything else, I overloaded on CARBS CARBS CARBS! Holy crap, carbs! Bagels and dinner rolls and raisin bread and pie. And all that crap just makes me crave more of the same, more of the same, until my stomach hurts and I can't sleep or move or stay still.

So, I don't like multiple days of junk food in a row. One per couple of months I think is not the end of the world. Christmas is coming up, followed by my husband's birthday two days later. I'd rather indulge on his birthday as I am taking him to a fondue restaurant then, and that food is worth the calories/fat grams/points/whatever. Christmas dinner (and the surrounding days) we will be at his parents' & grandparents' on the Cape. Luckily I feel like his mother and grandmother resent me for my weight, and they do manipulative things like give me extra small slivers of pie and make little comments about working out, etc, so I will be inclined to eat like a damn bird there anyway. So I will journal like a hardcore freak during Christmas, chew lots of gum, and pray to be released from the judgemental ones.

I guess December might be a good month to take up paper journalling. That way I don't have to lament the lack of connection to the Internet or BCB or WeightWatchers.com. I can bring my WW food companion book, a notebook, a pen, and some knitting or something. And I can drag my SIL who is a fellow weight watcher out for walks if it's not too miserable out.

Anyway, back on track, that's all that matters. Now, off to get a good night's sleep and start the work week on the right foot.

Why the Temptation?

2006-11-22T11:51:00.000-05:00

Why am I so tempted to blow off the program? What is with the urge to sneak in a little bit of something I shouldn't have? Who do I think I'm cheating? Why can't I just wait until I've planned for these caloric splurges?

I think part of it is that it's really hard to truly relate one snack with improved health or improved weight. In all honesty, no, the peanut butter cups are not going to make me gain or lose weight. Neither is a dinner out with an appetizer, entree, and dessert. It's in stacking these splurges that the pounds come and come to stay.

So, when I'm in the heat of a craving, it's so easy to justify - one won't hurt! It won't make a big deal! I'll get right back on track (tomorrow/after Thanksgiving/etc). It's so hard to rationalize to myself that it will make a difference because I won't get right back on track - my manipulative inner brat is pleading and working to convince the rest of me that I will and it won't hurt and just this once can't I have what I want?

I mean, right now I'm typing this because I am feeling this desperation, that I want to just give myself a break and go off program for a couple days and take a break from counting and measuring and whatnot. I know that I'd be lying to myself if I said I could bounce right back from it. I don't think I could. And I know how good my body is at storing fat really fast - it wouldn't take long for me to regain the 4 pounds that I worked hard to lose.

And I feel so negative. There is a voice that tells me why bother resisting? If it was so hard to lose those 4 lbs, and I have so very many more to lose, it's probably futile to even try. I'm just torturing myself and in the process delaying the inevitable - that I won't lose weight and even if I do, I'll just gain it back, unless I have surgery or something.

What a great attitude, right? This isn't even my attitude all the time...just the past couple of days.

And I don't know what I need to hear or to tell myself to snap out of this feeling. I don't think the normal cheerleading that I find so motivating will help. Because I feel like a fraud. Even t hough I haven't technically been off program, and I have written down every single morsel I've eaten and logged it on the BCB forums...I just feel like a fraud, because there is a part of me that does not enjoy WW. I do not enjoy counting calories, I do not enjoy counting points, I do not enjoy feeling as though I have to exercise or risk falling into a pit of depression. I am waiting for myself to screw it up. To skip a day...and then another...to grab a brownie and neglect to be accountable for it. Because when these things happen, they snowball for me.

I guess it's just really hard to put past failures behind me. I know I should, but it's just so hard. I do feel that if I just keep telling my BCB buddies what I have eaten, every day, that even if I should slip I could right myself faster. I just hate how I want to slip. I want to sink into that comforting feeling of going out and getting a giant cheeseburger and fries and a big cold beer.

And eventually I can do that with my Flex Points, but I can't do that this week, or rather, I CHOOSE not to do that this week, because I am saving the few WPAs I have left for tomorrow.

On another note, I think what might be frustrating me so much are several upcoming trips. I'll be visiting my friend for whom I am a maid of honor in December...then for Christmas we're spending a few days with my in-laws. In January I will probably have to go back down to visit my friend for another weekend. We also are supposed to visit my BIL & SIL in January. February I might be going to visit my folks in Arizona. In April my stepmom & sister are coming to visit me. In May I am going to Vegas for my friend's bachelorette party *and* throwing her a bridal shower. In June, it's her wedding. So, for the next several months, I'll be going away almost twice a month. It stresses me out to think about trying to stay OP for all of that. I always struggle when I am away from home and away from food I can control!

But then this is why people always try to tell you to focus on one day at a time. And furthermore, I can only tell myself I will do the best I can. I will have many, many normal work days during those months. So what if I even only managed to stay OP on those work days? That's still better than what I had been doing. It's still better than getting cheesy paninis and french fries for lunch everyday, with a giant brownie for a mid-afternoon snack, and no exercise! It's a lot better!

Anyway, this was just a rant. As I said, I'm still OP. I guess I will just focus on today and just keep doing the best I can.

Time to Refocus

2006-11-20T23:15:00.000-05:00

I feel like my enthusiasm & resolve is starting to wane. I have been OP & today I got a good workout in (WATP 3-mile!)...but I dunno. Something inside me is starting to say "meh" about the whole weight-loss better-health thing. And it bothers me, but the part of me that's bothered is being lured into inaction by the siren-call of the couch, and the temptation of pizza delivery and Chinese food buffets. Breakfasts provided by Dunkin Donuts and my old pal the McGriddle.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not caved, I am OP and I plan to stay OP. I just want to get a little more hardcore. I hadn't started off strong with the Healthy 8's and all that jazz, and I think it's starting to be time to be a little more strict about these things.

Dinnertime is the worst. Breakfast is easy. I can stay OP without a thought. An egg on a light english muffin, or some cereal with milk, and voila, there we go, we're on our way. Lunch, that's easy too. Lean Cuisine's are pretty tasty and I've gotten into the habit of having a Lean Cuisine and a piece of fruit for lunch, and then a piece of fruit & an Activia yogurt (which thus far has not helped my tummy issues) for a mid-afternoon snack.

Then I get home. And I want to do nothing. Because all around me there are things that I need to do. Or that I tell myself I need to do. I need to clean. I need to cook. I need to exercise. I need to read. I need to do laundry. I need to sort through bills. I need to watch a certain show. I need to get to bed by a certain time. Blah blah blah, I'm sick of it. It makes me want to do nothing. Nothing!

And a lot of the time, I do nothing. I crash on the couch or I wander around the apartment aimlessly, I take long bubble baths staring at the ceiling, I mindlessly surf the Internet reading flame wars for fun, and nothing I want to or need to do gets done. And I don't even enjoy this downtime because it's not downtime, it's procrastination. Because of course I don't want to start dealing with all of my have-to-do's...there's so many and it's just too daunting.

Kind of like the pounds I want to lose. There's so many! I can't get excited over the 3 I lost last week, even though I know it was awesome and I should be proud, because I still have trouble ignoring the big picture.

But there's an even bigger picture than my have-to-do's and my pounds-to-lose. Why am I doing this shit in the first place? There is no law that says my apartment must be tidy and I must be healthy. I'm doing these things because I want to be goddamn happy. And when I look at all the things I'm not doing, I ignore the things I have done. I mean, I already feel more fit than I did 2 weeks ago, just from exercising almost everyday. I don't huff & puff walking up the stairs anymore. And I just feel a little bit better about my body, just a little bit more confident.

I don't know. There's just so much I want to do. Things are such a mess. It's bothering me to the point where it blocks out my motivation to keep being healthy.

Here are the things that are (still) stressing me out:

- Messy kitchen
- Messy bedroom
- Ten thousand loads of laundry to do
- Unfinished thank you notes
- My car needs work
- I need to finish changing my name
- Bags and bags of mail & papers to sort through
- Holiday shopping

Probably more stuff. I just keep forgetting all my ten thousand things I have to do, and then I remember them at the last minute and I just feel so disorganized and scattered. I hate it! I just want to get to a point where I can come home from work and not feel like everything is a disaster. I want to come home, make dinner with my husband, exercise, relax, and go to sleep. Why is that such an unreasonable dream?

I know, though, going off plan will not help me fix other things...I need to stay strong on this and keep chugging. Even if I'm not perfect with the healthy 8's, I committed to journal all of my food whether I stay OP or not. And I want to stay OP.

Last Week

2006-11-19T15:06:00.000-05:00

I realized that I totally forgot to update this blog on Friday's WI!

I am down 3 lbs, at a weight of 256 lbs. I am down a total of 4 lbs.

I have also decided to start tracking my waist measurement. This is my first week of tracking and it is 43 inches. The goal is to get it under 32 inches which is the maximum healthy waist size for a woman, according to You! On a Diet. So let's see how this goes.

Expectations

2006-11-19T00:30:00.000-05:00

I am frustrated. I think it comes down to me having some unreasonable expectations for myself.

I just expect to go from the bottom of my potential to the top in the blink of an eye. Sloppy lazy fat girl to organized energetic cute girl overnight. I can become who I want. I can have the life I want. But jeez, it takes time!

I'm all upset with myself because I expected to do 7 loads of laundry tonight, write 35 thank you notes, clean the kitchen, clean the bedroom, take out some garbage, and then relax and watch a movie. I also thought I'd get around to baking a pie. By the way, I didn't even get home from a family gathering until 6pm. These were not realistic expectations! No wonder I fell short of my goals.

I got about 12 thank you notes written. I did 2 loads of laundry. Everything else is still a mess. But I'm very tired, I didn't get much sleep last night, and I got *some* stuff done today. I should be very happy that I started on my projects instead of procrastinating yet another weekend away.

I do feel like I spend so much time anxious and grumpy about the tremendous amount of stuff I expect myself to do that I never even start doing these things. 2 loads of laundry are manageable. 12 thank you notes are manageable. Maybe I can even straighten up the kitchen and run the dishwasher before bed. Or clean the litterbox and take out some garbage. But what I don't do, I can do tomorrow, piece by piece. And the next day. And the day after.

I need to leave more time to relax. And enjoy life. And do the other things I want to do. Little by little. Piece by piece. I have to learn to temper my expectations a bit.

Exercise

2006-11-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

I have really been enjoying getting back into the swing of working out. It really seems to be helping me avoid emotional eating & cope with my depression fairly well. And it gives me something to be proud of every single day, no matter what the scale says or what size I'm wearing.

No matter how tired, cranky, yucky I feel, working up a killer sweat for 30-45 minutes after work really does make me feel better somehow. I want to hold on to this, I want this to become part of who I am. I love that I am exercising to deal with my feelings, and writing to deal with my feelings, and not bingeing. Since November 5, I have worked out every single day except for last Sunday. Tomorrow I don't have time for a home workout, but I might go to the mall at lunchtime to walk a few laps around each floor.

A Little Better

2006-11-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little better...the whole situation with my therapist is so frustrating. I can't even figure out why it makes me so upset, it just does. Last night I was doing ok, but then I just started crying and crying. K was trying to help, but there isn't much he can do. I mean, unless he wants to beat up people at the insurance company.

At any rate, there is a silver lining. I was upset, so I cried and journalled about it. But, I didn't eat because of it. I finished the day 100% OP and didn't even do any midnight munching. Honestly, I thought about it briefly, but I didn't really have to fight very hard to not binge. I just wanted to cry so I let myself.

I was so wired and stressed from crying, and my nose was all stopped up from crying, that I couldn't fall asleep. At 1:30 am, after lying in bed for an hour and a half and still feeling wide awake, I decided to just get up and drink some water and play Puzzle Pirates for a little bit to get my mind off of things that I couldn't do anything about until the morning anyway.

So, I didn't get very much sleep last night, but I am feeling a bit better. I got a voicemail from one of the new doctors I called about taking over my meds management, so I am going to continue playing phone tag with him and see if I can get an appt within the month so I'm not left hanging without any antidepressants. I am going to put off working on finding a new therapist and trying to work things out with my current therapist until Monday. I am tired & I have a few other things stressing me out, so I'd rather focus on a couple things at a time. The talk therapy isn't as urgent as the medication anyway, only because I won't get withdrawal symptoms if I lapse on my therapy for a few days/weeks.

So, for today and tomorrow, I am going to attempt to talk with the above mentioned new doctor. I am going to buy some supplies for card-making for my holiday cards. I am going to straighten up the apartment a bit more and do a couple of loads of laundry.

This weekend K & I have plans with friends to go out to a burrito joint (I have pointed out a tasty and yet healthy option already) and then go see Happy Feet, and then go to our friends' place to watch Battlestar on Friday...then on Saturday we are going to our nephews' first & third birthday party (their birthdays are a week apart!). I am not sure what the food is going to be like at the birthday party, but they always have a veggie platter and I will just do the best I can. Saturday night I am going to stay home and try & crank out as many thank-you notes as possible.

I still have about 4 large bags of papers to sort through. It makes me sick to think about it. But I need to get started. I will feel so much better once the apartment is straightened up and the papers are taken care of and the thank-you's are sent out. I think these things have been weighing on me pretty heavily. I'd like that to be my focus for the weekend. And my reward will be renting a movie with K on Sunday night and just truly & utterly relaxing.

Ready to Cry

2006-11-15T16:25:00.000-05:00

I just want to cry... I'm practically in tears here at work. When I got married, we decided that I would switch to my husband's health insurance because his is a PPO and you don't need referrals for things and you can see out-of-network doctors for only a slightly higher copay. But what I should have researched further was their mental health coverage, because none of the people I've been working with for that are in their network. And they don't let you see out-of-network people for behavioral healthcare except with a $600 deductible and then only at a 50% rate.

Anyway, so I was talking to the new insurance's customer service about what to do, and they said all I had to do was call the office of my current therapist & the nurse practitioner who is in charge of my medication management and have them agree to see me at the insurance co's in-network rates. So, I went through the channels to do that, and I got the approval. So that was all set, right? No.

I then had to call back my insurance company to confirm that this was all set and have them call the dr's office billing coordinator to confirm how things would be billed. This is when they said to me "Wait a minute, who approved this?!" And I answered "My doctor's office!" And then she said "No, who here approved this?!" And I said, the woman who I spoke to last night at this very same number! And then I was put on hold and transferred around. I was then told I'd have to switch to an in network doctor for my medication management but that I wouldn't have to change therapists. Then after a long time of being put on hold, they told me I really had to change therapists too.

I find all of this horribly upsetting. Like I'm totally in limbo and I have to start from scratch. I've been working so hard to feel better and right now I don't even have a doctor or therapist. My old therapist called me back after I had to cancel all of my appointments, and she said that she'd see me without charging me to wrap things up and say goodbye. And she suggested I try calling the dr's office billing coordinator (the one who did approve the thingy mentioned above) one more time and explain the situation and see if she can think of anything else to do.

I don't know why it's all so upsetting. I mean I'm not madly in love with my therapist or the nurse practitioner who manages my antidepressants. Though I felt like I was making progress with my therapist finally, and I'm just such an anxious and shy person that this is just such a major change for me. Now I have to start all over from scratch and it's making me feel extra depressed and extra hopeless. And if I didn't know that I would have horrendous withdrawal symptoms from going off of my antidepressant, I might just forego switching and just stop seeing anybody altogether. But that's what those cheap motherfuckers at the insurance company want, isn't that? Wouldn't that make them richer? If I didn't go get treatment? And I just got a refill for my antidepressants from my general practitioner? I'm going to milk those fuckers for every benefit I am entitled to, now that I realize what a big mistake it was to switch to K's insurance plan.

I don't know, maybe I should find out what the actual cost for therapy is through my therapist...maybe it's worth the $600/year out of pocket + 50% thereafter. Ugh it's all just so frustrating.

I don't even know what I want to do, what the ideal situation would be. I just wanted things that were fixtures in my life to stay the same while I worked on getting better and improving my life, picking up the pieces of my messy life. I suppose seeing a new therapist could be a blessing in disguise. But I don't feel ready for any sort of change. I feel like I'm being pushed out of an airplane without a parachute. Isn't that dramatic?

It's times like this when I feel like an angsty thirteen year old instead of a responsible adult.

Stop Obsessing!

2006-11-14T15:46:00.000-05:00

I've been OP & doing fairly well with it (for me, at least) since last Monday, so we're just barely over a week OP. I feel like I'm in the groove & all that. And I'm terrified because I think I often get to this point. And somehow it crumbles away from me. And as much as right now, while I'm doing well and feeling good, I can tell myself that I won't let it ... how can I really know what's going to happen? I have said so many times that I would keep it up. I have promised myself so many times that this time would be the last time I would have to start over. And every other time, it has been a lie. Not an intentional lie, but a lie nonetheless.

I guess what is so frustrating is that there's no FF button to press while I'm hot. I'm motivated, I'm inspired, I'm doing well! I want to lock in the motivation and rush forward a month or two. Time seems to move so slowly, especially when I look at where I am right now, and where I'd like to be. Hell, I've only had one WI since being back OP, and it was a fucking gain. But it is going to take many, many WI's, some better than others, to get even halfway to where I want to be. How can I wait? The waiting sucks. It feels like I have to sit and twiddle my thumbs and be completely passive. I mean, the food is in check. My workouts are planned. Now what?

This is why diet obsession scares me so much. Maybe that is why this point in a diet is so dangerous for me. Clearly I am not doing this in the background if I'm so impatient, and I'm scrounging for something else diet-related to do. Come on, Shrinky, it's food and exercise! It's not supposed to be the main focus of a person's life! It's pathetic to be sad that there isn't more I can do. Don't I have a life? Don't I want one?!

I have piles of books that I've been dying to read, movies I've wanted to watch, thank you cards I need to write, an apartment to straighten up, a husband to hang out with, stories I want to write, research I need to do...and yet all I can think about is how I wish I was doing more diet stuff. Ridiculous. I have to shift my focus. It's just not healthy!

Not Hungry

2006-11-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

For a change, I am not hungry. I had been planning on using some WPAs for some cereal and milk as a dessert/snack, but it seems silly to eat when I'm not hungry. Why am I so weirded out about not being hungry? I guess because I always seem hungry. I keep listening to my stomach, expecting to feel pangs that aren't there. And part of me is worried that if I don't eat the cereal, something horrible will happen. Isn't that messed up? God forbid I skip dessert.

Worst case is I wake up very hungry in the middle of the night. If that is the case, I can have some cereal then, or wait until morning. Why am I so afraid of not eating?

Food & WATP

2006-11-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

I am in a foodie mood right now...I've been chatting on AIM with one of my girlfriends and the conversation often gravitates to food.

I'm waiting until Wednesday (payday) to go to the grocery store again as an excuse to use up all of the things we have on hand already. Tonight I'm making a simple chicken/onion/cheese quesadilla and sald (6 points, can't beat it), and tomorrow night it's just going to be pasta & sauce.

Once I hit the store, I am going to be making the following...

Moroccan Chickpea Eggplant Stew (3 points/serving)
Dhal Soup - ohmygodsogood (7 points/serving)
Apple, Onion, & Goat Cheese Pizza (12 points/serving)

I also think I will try the following variaton of the Crustless Pumpkin Pie:

Crustless Pumpkin Pie
Servings: 6
Points per serving: 2

15 oz canned pumpkin
1 cup fat-free evaporated milk
1/2 cup plain fat-free yogurt
1 items egg white(s)
2 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup McNeil Nutritionals SPLENDA No Calorie Sweetener
1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice
1/2 cup Nabisco Cream Of Wheat, 10 Minute

Mix the wet ingredients together with wire whisk, then add in dry. Pour into 8" square pan (or pie pan) sprayed with cooking spray. Bake for 60 minutes in 350 degree oven.

Note that I have no clue if it will turn out nicely or not - the last time I made the crustless pumpkin pie, it was kind of gross. Some people use something called "Simple Syrup" from DaVinci, so I will see if I can find it anywhere to use instead of the Splenda - I'm not a huge fan of Splenda these days. Although I bet the Simple Syrup uses Splenda, so maybe it's all the same.

My last post showed what a foul mood I was in ... I pretty much have been mopey and depressed since yesterday. I can't pinpoint a reason except that I didn't workout on Sunday. I'm interested to see if working out today makes me feel a bit better. If so, I don't think I'll be skipping anymore workouts.

I was browsing Amazon earlier for some ideas for some new workout videos to add to my rotation. Right now I'm just pretty much sticking with WATP 1,2, and 3 mile. I think I am going to pick up the WATP - Walk & Kick, Walk & Jog, and the 4-mile. On one hand, Leslie annoys me, but on the other hand, hers are the only workouts that I've really stuck with in my apartment.

Wedding Envy

2006-11-13T11:05:00.000-05:00

I had been dealing with a very severe depression during my wedding planning. It wasn't because of the wedding, but some of the aspects of the wedding didn't help (i.e. I didn't have the wedding I wanted because I felt pushed into having a bigger fluffy wedding, and then everyone turned it around saying that I was the one who wanted the big wedding, which was not true). I was also depressed because my bridesmaids were all in NY/NJ while I was in MA so I didn't have anyone around to help me or chat with me or whatever. So, it wasn't the fun experience I wished it was.

Now one of my best friends is engaged and I'm one of her 2 honor attendants along with I think 3 other bridesmaids. And I think I'm being an asshole. And I need to get over it, because it's her wedding and it's not about me or my moods.

First off, she's mentioned that for her bachelorette party she wants to go to Miami or Vegas. I think this is ridiculous because for my bachelorette party, I got taken to this rinky dink murder mystery show in NYC. It was fun and we had a good time, but come on, murder mystery versus VEGAS? So I'm feeling catty about that. Because she expects something way better than I got, and yeah it's a little boneheaded of her to even suggest it, but whatever. I need to stop comparing what I got to what she will get.

I'm nervous because I think her other bridesmaids are all party girls who like to go clubbing and dancing ... and I don't. I mean I would if I wasn't nearly 260 lbs and shy and just awkward. The depression doesn't help. And these girls are all size 2. So I feel really nervous about all of the wedding stuff because I'm going to stick out (and in a bad way) and even if I lose weight by June, it's not going to be that much, maybe 36 pounds tops, and I'll still be well over 200 lbs.

But why am I worried or stressing about it? Who cares? It's not my wedding. I guess I'm jealous about some things. I'm jealous that she's skinny and is going to look great in any wedding gown she chooses. I'm jealous that she's planning her wedding at a time when she is feeling pretty good. I'm jealous that she's got people nearby to go shopping with and try things on with. She didn't even ask me if I could come down to NY/NJ to go bridesmaid dress shopping with the other girls. I guess I feel kind of hurt about that. But at the same time, I feel like a jerk for being hurt.

I don't even really want to be in her wedding the more I think about it, but she was in mine, and it's not that I don't want to be in her wedding because I don't love her to pieces. She's a little bit of an airhead, but that's not her fault, that's how she's always been. I guess I'm just sad about some things about my wedding and I'm playing the comparison game, like it's a competition or something.

I guess I really am sad about my wedding. I wanted a small backyard wedding but I couldn't get anyone to agree. Rather than stand my ground and find a way to make my dream wedding happen, I just went the easy route and had it in a hotel. And it was nice, sure, but it wasn't what I wanted at all. It wasn't me. And I have to live with that forever. And that kind of sucks. And I know it's just a party, just one day, and it's a day that technically went well, but it just makes me sad that I didn't have the wedding I wanted.

Now my friend is getting married, and my sister just got engaged...and I know they are going to get to learn from my experiences and they are going to get more help than I did. And their weddings are going to be much better than mine. And the bratty child in me is all pissed off about it. I know, I know, I need to get over it. I'm just sad. I'm angry at myself and my family and my husband all for pushing me towards the easy solution instead of the right solution. I'm angry at myself for falling into a severe depression and gaining extra weight and just being difficult and tired and apathetic throughout most of my engagement.

I guess I have the choice of being sad about a wedding that I didn't have and can't do anything about, or I can suck it up and be a good friend and a good sister and do my best to have fun at these weddings and celebrate and also try and look as good as I can in my bridesmaid dresses and try to kick back and stop being a brat and have fun.

Quick Update

2006-11-12T20:47:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update to wrap up the weekend. I had a really good weekend, WW-wise. Maybe not so much productivity-wise, but whatever. I have to say that while I think my overall energy level & mood have improved, I am still quite exhausted a lot of the time. Plus, I have a headache.

Friday night after work, K & I wound up taking a nap with the cats until shortly before Battlestar started. We woke up and I made some egg salad (light on the mayo, served on whole wheat) and was thus OP. I also exercised - WATP 3-mile!

Saturday we had some errands to run. I had eaten a 5 am snack (I am still working on not eating in the middle of the night, but in the meantime I am just logging it all as part of my daily points), and didn't eat breakfast. We went to lunch with a couple of friends at a new Chinese/Japanese restaurant. Turned out that they had a buffet, but I did really well - I stuck to sushi, melon, and reasonable portions of my 2 favorites dumplings & veggie tempura. I did not pile my plate to the ceiling, and I did not have a little bit of everything. Then I did my WATP 3-mile again, and went to dinner at Panera (had a plain bagel w/ sundried tomato cream cheese). We went bowling and I had a light beer and then stuck to diet soda...I have to say, I don't really like diet soda, but there is something in the going-out mentality that makes me want to order something other than water, so it's sort of a victory for me not to order regular Coke (which I love). When I got home, I was hungry, so I had an apple and a piece of light cheese. All in all, a really good OP day.

Today was also OP...I slept a lot & didn't exercise today...but I put together a really good dinner using leftovers and a skillet, and had a really tasting and sastisfying dessert of an oat bran pita (1 point) w/ 2 tbsp Better'n PB (2 points) and a drizzle of chocolate syrup (1 point) ... oh my goodness so good!

I ran to the supermarket today and had to make the choice as to whether to get any low point sweet snacks/desserts (e.g. WW snack cakes, Skinny Cows, etc)...I decided against it because I have done so well this week with limited sweets, and I can always make myself something like the above-mentioned pita dessert if I am really craving something. I'm also looking up some new recipes to try later on this week...I will probably make this Moroccan Eggplant stew I once made last year (that was fabulous and only like 3 points a serving...I'm not sure why I haven't made it since!). And Dhal soup. Mmm. It should be rainy & chilly all week so it will be a great week for soups & stews.

And...I guess that's about it!

I never finish anyth

2006-11-10T16:53:00.000-05:00

This t-shirt sums up one of the things about myself that I really, really want to change. One of my worst traits is that I start things and give up very easily. It doesn't take much to knock the wind out of my sails, most of the time, and when the going gets tough, Shrinky gives up. Do I want to be a quitter? A giver upper? No. It's the only surefire way to never reach any of my goals in life, to never actualize any of my dreams. And believe me, this applies not only to weight loss, but to...well...tons of things.

Even when I was younger, in high school or college, I'd take a class and start out with high hopes and big dreams. I was going to be organized and diligent and do everything right! I'd make up this grand plan, and sit down for a couple nights and study and do my homework and go to class on time, etc. But then it would get boring or tiresome or hard, and I wouldn't want to deal with it anymore. So then I'd start slacking off. And I could do this. I could get by doing the bare minimum of effort needed to get by. Hell, I got my degree, didn't I? But I did so by the skin of my teeth. I really pushed the envelope to only get as much as I needed by doing the bare minimum necessary.

I remember as a smaller child on the first day of spring setting out to start a nature journal. I would go outside and look at all the signs of spring popping up, from buds on trees to crocuses, and write the date and draw a little picture in my nature journal. I think this lasted two days before I realized how much easier it was to sit on my ass and watch cartoons.

Is this not exactly what I have been doing with dieting? I start, I do well for a little while, but then it just gets so tiresome to work so hard for such minimal result, and it feels so good to just let loose and ignore my weight and ignore points and calories, and it feels so good to just laze after work instead of exercising...that I just give in to what's easier.

Of course, giving up on these things feels good immediately, because you can relax and the pressure is gone. There is the immediate gratification of getting to watch tv instead of studying, or getting to eat 2 ginormous slices of chocolate cake instead of a dinky pudding cup. There is the freedom and relaxation that comes with giving up. But then it comes back. It comes back slowly, and not always in a very direct sort of way.

Grades start dropping a little. The teacher calls on you and you can't answer because you didn't bother reading the assignment. Your pants get a little tight. It gets a little harder to walk up the stairs without huffing and puffing. But overall the consequences are so slow and so sneaky that it doesn't always seem urgent to get back on track. Because even with tight pants and a little classroom embarrassment - cake still tastes awesome and tv is still fun to watch.

In my history, it seems getting back to square one or worse to get me to start over. With school, I've always gotten decent grades by means of all-nighters and cramming at the very end. I've learned to manipulate and work the entire system - the system of my body (Red Bull and salty snacks for energy) as well as the academic system - to get the results I want. You can't do this with most things though. I can't do this with the things that really matter to me.

Ummm...where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I want to start finishing things that I set out to do. So far, I have been updating this blog somewhat religiously, and have been journalling my food and exercising like a good little WW-er.

On November 1 I eagerly started NaNoWriMo only to pretty much stop 3 days later. Last night I started again, and plan to continue on all weekend to see if I can catch up. Every other year I have quit by the third day and let my partially written manuscript rot in My Documents folder.

Since I can't really tell you how long it will take me to lose the weight I want to lose, I am using NaNoWriMo as a way of proving to myself that I can reach goals I set for myself. I have to do this!

Ugly Duckling

2006-11-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling like an ugly duckling these days. Sloppy, pudgy, unattractive, almost invisible. Sadly, with very few exceptions, I have felt like an ugly duckling for the vast majority of my life. I've mentioned this before, but as a child, I was a very ugly duckling, especially after my mother died and I had no female presence to help me look nice. My clothes were wrinkled and didn't fit well, I had acne, my hair was long and tangled and scraggly and often dirty, and I was chubby so I just looked swollen.

As a pre-teen and in my early teens, I was recovering from a bad perm and bad clothing choices. Most jeans came at least slightly tapered, which is just an abomination, but I wore them anyway. I thought I was being trendy by dressing grungy - denim cut offs, torn jeans, guy-cut t-shirts, flannel shirts, etc - but in retrospect, I just looked kind of ugly & butch. Even then I wished that there was a way for me to look beautiful and romantic and pretty, but it just seemed so impossible. I was fat, I was nerdy, I had glasses with gigantic round lenses, there was just no hope.

At some point, around the ages of 15-16, I was exercising regularly, eating fairly healthfully (I was mostly a vegetarian and had very specific eating habits), and I dropped some weight. I was wearing makeup, buying clothes that reflected for the most part how I wanted to look, and on some level I had turned from the ugly duckling to the swan I wanted to be. But it was short lived, because I didn't know how to be pretty, how to continue taking care of myself, how to deal with any sort of actual attention. I had been afraid of people except my known & trusted friends, and have always been afraid of people since elementary school. My elementary school classmates (and teachers) were downright abusive in how they treated me, and basically I left my Catholic elementary school with the firm understanding that I was a bad child, a disorganized child, an underachiever, a dork, a fat girl, an ugly girl, a pig, a loser.

During college I think I wavered between feeling like a very ugly duckling indeed and a swan, but probably mostly an ugly duckling. College, on some level, felt a lot like elementary school in terms of feeling left out, alone, disliked, etc. I think I was the only girl ever to be rejected from both sororities at my school (our college was 80% male, and I had desperately wanted to pledge a sorority to make some girlfriends). I felt left behind in so many ways, and often felt completely invisible. My junior & senior years I developed some sense of self esteem again, but not enough to lift me out of my rut of being an ugly ducky.

So here I am. I'm an ugly duckling once more, and I hate it. I've made committments to myself before, that I will always wear makeup to work, that I will replace my sloppy wardrobe with things Stacy & Clinton would approve of, that I will work hard to get to a weight where I can look good in clothes...and I've never stuck with them.

Part of it is that I don't think I really believe that there is a swan under all of this. That I am ugly not just outside but inside as well. That I am a weak, pathetic person, self-absorbed and gluttonous, and that I can never become beautiful because I don't deserve to be beautiful. And that it just shows how horrible I am that I so desperately wish that I was.

I know that sounds really and truly screwed up...it really is. And I'm starting to realize that there have been influences in my life that made me feel this way about myself, and that it's not my fault that I was sloppy & bedraggled as a child, and that I have to teach myself to take care of myself the way a parent would teach a child to take care of themselves, because no one really taught me.

And it's not evil to want to be a beautiful swan. It's not my only goal in life. And I do not just mean that I want to look good. I want to be a better person. I want to accomplish more things, learn more things, do things to make the world better. I want to live outside of my head for a change. Be a part of the world instead of what feels like an invisible observer.

Weigh in Friday

2006-11-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

Let me recap my week. Friday-Sunday I was pretty much totally off program entirely. I don't know what I ate, and I honestly don't even want to try & remember, because it was probably *that* bad. Sunday at some point I felt disgusted with myself and did the WATP 2-mile without weights. Then I decided to get my shit together and come clean on the WW message board of which I am a regular (ok, an addict).

So, I made a plan, that I would post my meals every single day whether I was OP or not...that I would exercise at least 30 min a day / 4x a week, and that I would strive to lose a total of 6 lbs in November (meaning that I would go from 258 -> 252). On Monday, like I promised, I got right back OP, and despite bumps in the road, I stayed OP all week. Until last night when, most likely due to an extreme lack of protein in my meals, I was slammed with a case of the ohmygodIamstarvingandmusteatrightnow after dinner, and had a bagel (whole wheat with light margarine & apple butter) and then some vanilla ice cream with Hershey syrup. I counted the points afterwards, and basically I went 10 points over my WPAs for the week.

So this morning, I weigh in, at home, and lo & behold I'm up a pound. I had also stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and was also up a pound. The same pound. I mean both times I went from 258 -> 259.

Now, I acknowledge that I went off plan, but this week was about a million times better than all of my prior weeks, and I feel like I at least deserved to stay the same if not lose a pound. So I'm a little pissed off. But I swear to all that is holy that I'm going to lose that pound AND THEN SOME, come hell or high water, by next Friday.

And I will eat protein with every meal to prevent ohmygodIamstarvinandmusteatrightnow moments.

Avoidance

2006-11-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

I've been seriously avoiding dealing with things for the past 3 or so months. I guess I can blame the stress of the wedding, but really that was just an excuse to blow off responsibility in general. I felt myself getting very overwhelmed - piles of mail were coming in, the apartment was a disasterous mess, my weight was getting out of control, my finances were screwed up, I had gotten into a minor but annoying car accident right before the wedding, and ugh...just too much stuff. Dealing with severe depression, just getting out of bed was hard enough, so I pretty much decided to take care of myself and ignore everything else.

So...now I'm trying to get my shit together again. This involves salvaging my finances by going on a severe money diet and sifting through 4 large grocery bags full of papers to find unpaid bills, etc. This involves figuring out what I still need to do to put the car accident issue to bed (I guess I ignored it beyond contacting my insurance company because it was totally not my fault and there was minimal damage). This involves cleaning and organizing things that have been a wreck for ages. This involves finally sitting down and writing out the thank you cards I need to write for the wedding (that I feel guilty about putting off for so long). This involves figuring out where I'm at and where I want to be.

I'm also not avoiding my weight anymore either. Or exercise or realizing that every food choice I make is an opportunity. Life is so much easier if instead of avoiding things you just tackle them and move on, unburdened. I hate how depression makes avoidance so appealing. It just sets you up to sink deeper and deeper because if you didn't have the energy to deal with one day's worth of mail, then how are you going to find the energy to deal with three months' worth of mail?

I guess on some level my depression is actually improving, since I have found the drive to tackle some things. Although in the past I do acknowledge that I've revved myself up for a short time, only to burn out and go back to being miserable and lazy a few weeks later. I hate my track record. I hate that I have no faith in the fact that things can change for good.

Mastectomy Bill

2006-11-08T20:11:00.000-05:00

(This is copied from an e-mail - I normally hate petition forwards, but this one seems legit, and an issue I think is important. Snopes verified that this e-mail is true, but also notes that the best course of action is to contact your state representative directly. Why not do both?)

If you know anyone who has had a mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards. Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital for 2 days after surgery.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

You can read more about this & sign the online petition here:
http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/petition/signpetition.php

If you don't know how to contact your Congressional representative, you can look up their info at the link below:
http://www.house.gov/writerep/

Jen-ga!

2006-11-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

I've had 2 good, OP days and I'm starting to feel high on WW, which I actually do not like. I tried to dig at some feelings to see what's going on inside, to work on some of the emotional stuff I've been working on, and it's not there right now. There isn't much there except for this hyperactive drive to count points and do well and stay OP. It's like a game. A game I know I'm going to eventually lose. It's kind of like Jenga...you know the tower is going to topple, but you just want to see how long you can push it.

This is not Jenga and I do not want to put myself in a position to topple! In a way, I almost have to give myself permission to make mistakes down the road and to acknowledge right now that going off program for one meal isn't going to topple my tower, it's just going to set me back one meal.

As is my mantra: it's not about perfection - it's about persistence.

Stop rushing, Shrinky. Stop pushing. Do what you have to do & have a frigging life! This is the only way I am going to really lose weight - if I can do WW and have a life at the same time. If I can go about this in a relaxed, non-psychotic, non-rabid way. It is so easy to become obsessive! And no, I don't think being totally obsessive is ok. I think it's good for health to be an important part of any person's life, but I think it's sick for it to be the only thing going on. And because I feel so empty so often...it's just so easy for something to take up all of my thoughts and energy. And that's not good.

What happened to NaNoWriMo? I stopped. I stopped after 3 days. But it's not too late to pick up where I left off and keep going. I just feel so empty now that I am back on the WW wagon...I mean I could change my novel to be about a crazy girl who dreams about Points and exercise DVDs and snack foods with low fat & high fiber...that's how screwed up I feel. This is why I took a hiatus. The hiatus where I gained 32 lbs.

I'd ask "Why Can't I Just Be Normal?!" but I can be normal. There has to be a middle ground between being OP & being a nutcase. All I have to do is figure out how to get there.

Monday & Tuesday Food

2006-11-07T22:39:00.000-05:00

Just for posterity's sake...daily target points are 30.

Monday Nov 6

N: 4 slices low carb bread (2), 2 tbsp Better-than-PB (2), 2 tbsp Jelly (2), Apple Juice (4) = 10 (20)
B: 2 packets lower sugar oatmeal (4), coffee (2) = 6 (14)
L: Lean Cuisine Fettucine Alfredo (6) = 6 (8)
S: Popcorn (2), Orange (1) = 3 (5)
D: Brown Rice (4), Corn (1), Black Beans (1), Salsa (0), Light Cheese (2), Onions (0), Olive Oil (1) = 9 (-4)
S: 2 slices low carb bread (1), w/ light margarine (1) & apple butter (1) = -7
E: 1 mile WATP (+1 AP) and 30 minute walk (+1 AP) = +2 APs (-5)

... 5 WPAs used, 15 left over

Tuesday Nov 7

N: 1 slice low carb bread w/ bettern pb & jam (3) = 3 (27)
B: 2 slices low carb bread (1) w/ goat cheese (2) and avocado (2), coffee w milk (1) = 6 (21)
S: Apple (1), Cottage Cheese (2) = 3 (18)
S: Kashi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Cookie (2) = 2 (16)
L: Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup (3.5), Hummus (1), Triscuits (2) = 6.5 (9.5)
S: Cocoa Via Chocolate Bar (2) = 2 (7.5)
S: Kashi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Cookie (2) = 2 (5.5)
D: Creamy Tomato Soup (4), Grilled Cheese (6) = 10 (-4.5)
E: 30 min elliptical trainer = +2 APs (-2.5)

... 2.5 WPAs used, 12.5 left over

Kashi TLC Cookies

2006-11-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

At Target today I found something new in the food aisles ... Kashi TLC chewy cookies. They looked pretty wholesome and are only 2 points a piece, so I grabbed a box, and I'm pretty glad I did. They are not too sweet, very grainy, a nice size, and pretty filling for a cookie. If you can stick with a single decent sized cookie, they would make a good snack and add some fiber to your diet. I tried the Oatmeal Dark Chocolate and they'll make a good alternative to drooling over the Soft Batch cookies in the vending machine at work.

Rumble Rumble

2006-11-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

My tummy is rumbling like crazy! Hungry hungry, I'm trying to take Lele's advice and have some more frequent low point snacks throughout the day. I'm having an apple & some cottage cheese to last me through lunch. Before I eat lunch I want to run to Target to get some socks, cat litter & birthday presents for my nephew. What an exciting trip!

Thankfully Blogger saved my sidebar stuff from a previous layout so I was able to salvage the bones of this blog. I don't really feel like switching things over to the new site just yet. I just want to focus on writing and trying to really explore my weight issues, etc, and not worry about tweaking templates or whatever.

I keep thinking about yesterday and feeling so proud. Not just because I was OP, but also because it wasn't a huuuuge struggle like it sometimes feels like. Dinner was very filling, so when it came time for my planned dessert, and my husband was eating a bowl of ice cream *and* hot chocolate, I was totally fine with my light toast w/ apple butter and herbal tea. I was more fixated on spending time cuddling with him & the kitties and watching Heroes than with my stomach, for a change, which is kind of amazing for me.

I don't have Heroes to look forward to tonight, but K just bought Guitar Hero 2 so that should keep us plenty occupied. I think for dinner I am going to make a veggie omelette / scramble, so that should be filling and satisfying like last night's dinner as well. Mmm...dinner is going to be awesome...I wish I was having an omelette for lunch!

Salvaged Day

2006-11-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

~~Note:~~ ~~I broke my blog so all of my links & buttons & customizations are gone. I'm in the process of moving my blog over to a new system & URL, so I'm just going to keep it broken until then.~~

-----------------------------------

Anyway, I wanted to write before I go to bed, because I am proud of today. Today started off terrible. I had trouble sleeping last night due to my evil cough. I woke up at 3 am and then 4 am, and had 2 sandwiches from low carb whole wheat bread, better'n peanut butter & jam. Already I blew 10 points before breakfast! When I woke up, I was groggy and just grabbed a couple packets of instant oatmeal before heading out to work.

However, when I got to work, I decided to regroup, let my buddies talk some sense back into me, and I realized that all was not lost. The day was young. So, I made a plan for the rest of the day, went for a walk outside at lunchtime, stuck to my mealplan, and did the 1-mile WATP after dinner too. I wound up using 5 WPAs today, which is not bad, considering that I chose to count those late night / early morning PB&J's, which a more sneaky Shrinky of the past might have chosen to ignore.

Being able to do this, to stay accountable, to get myself back on track, to not throw in the towel - it gives me a boost of confidence. I have a little more faith in myself. Let's see if I can repeat this tomorrow!

I've set some goals for the month, with small rewards for each of them. The older Shrinky might have also decided that I couldn't set goals 5 days into the month, but that's pretty stupid.

1. I will lose a total of 6 lbs by Nov 30, so that I weigh at most 252 lbs.
2. I will log everything I eat whether I am OP or not. I'm posting it at BCB to stay accountable.
3. I will exercise 30 min / 4x a week for the rest of the month. The type of exercise for this month is whatever I feel like.

What do you think? Reasonable? I think I can do it.

Oops.

2006-11-06T12:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I screwed up my blog tremendously by trying to apply someone's pre-made template to it. That settles it, I'm going to have to design my own at home. On that note, I might as well move things to shrinky.net and transfer everything to WordPress instead of Blogger.

Peanut Butter

2006-11-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

I can't have real peanut butter in the house because it's a binge trigger for me - I have been known to eat it straight from the jar, and needless to say the Points add up fast when I do that. Thus, I don't buy it. Ever.

However, Hungry Girl had mentioned a product called Better'n Peanut Butter on her site, which is only 2 points per 2 tablespoons (less than half of regular PB). I figured that I would give it a shot, and I'm so glad that I did!

The good news is that when eaten plain, from the jar, it tastes like crap! But, when put on bread with some jam or whatever, it tastes good! It's like magic! So it's binge-free peanut butter and that makes me happy. Supposedly you can find it at Trader Joe's, but I had no problem finding it in the "health food" section of my regular supermarket.

Just Thoughts

2006-11-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

Well, on a whim I registered shrinky.net ... I used to own shrinky.org way back when, but some linkfarm bought it when I deliberately let it expire. I'm wondering if I was hasty in registering a domain again. Part of the beauty of having this blogspot blog is that it's so easy. It's not about funky layouts or extra content or whatever, it's just about me keeping a journal of my thoughts & feelings. That might just be what I need right now. I used to be really into buying domains and starting websites and all that stuff, but I kind of left that behind when I graduated college and got a real job. The fun sort of leaked out of it.

What is fun for me now? I guess really my only hobbies are reading & video games. I don't even read all that much, usually I just park my tush in front of the computer and waste hours talking to friends on IM, checking e-mail, checking Flickr, Livejournal, MySpace, Metafilter, the news...etc...and then I'll log in and play Puzzle Pirates or find something else to amuse myself and waste my time. No wonder I never get anything done.

At least when I'm reading I feel like I'm actively relaxing. It's soothing and calming, it's just me and whatever it is I'm reading. Sometimes I get the urge to munch while reading, but often it's enough to just curl up someplace comfy with a cat (or two) and my book.

I want to get into writing. I want to finish NaNoWriMo for once...but I find myself losing steam, hating what I've written, thinking that I write for shit. Nevermind that it's not the point, and no one even ever has to read my novel. The point is just to finish it! Ok...yeah...I really think I'm going to do some more work on that. Like, now.

Today I experienced the withdrawal effects of the antidepressant Effexor. It was pure hell, and I only skipped one dose. I decided to go ahead & take it, and call my doctor tomorrow to have her call in some refills to the local pharmacy. It scares me that when I do stop taking Effexor for good that it will be like this for longer than a single day. Now I know what people were talking about. I guess I never really took it seriously....I know that most SSRI and related antidepressants have withdrawal symptoms and that most people say Effexor is the worst. I had no problem skipping doses of Celexa when I was on that, but Effexor really made me feel like total shit today. It concerns me, because I was planning on talking to my doctor about trying something else...I honestly don't feel like Effexor has done much for me, despite the hype of it being able to help even the most severe depression. I think I felt better on Celexa.

Anyway I am going to go write a bit for NaNoWriMo and then get my butt to bed bright & early. I made a meal & exercise plan for tomorrow, and I also made a promise that I would journal here everyday, so I'll be back.

Crappy Attitude

2006-11-05T20:19:00.000-05:00

I have a crappy attitude. And a migraine. I desperately need some exercise. I am charging my iPod and setting up a new playlist so that at lunchtime (it's supposed to be sunny), I can go for a walk outside.

I'm starting to wonder if I am sucking at WW because it's too flexible. It's too easy for me to make a plan and then scrap it because, well, technically I didn't have to follow my original plan to technically be OP. And then I get more & more lax until I'm totally the opposite of OP. I don't really like being strict, but my moods change so wildly that maybe too much freedom isn't a good thing. Like maybe I need someone to tell me what exercise to do & how often, etc. I don't know.

Shrinky's Shrink

2006-11-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight I have an appointment with my therapist who is probably going to eventually be my ex-therapist when I grow the balls to find someone better. I don't know what it is about her, but I find her really unhelpful. The past few months she was completely fixated on my wedding, as though that alone was the source of all of my problems. Nevermind that I have been screwed up, depressed, and anxious my whole life. Nevermind that I didn't really want the fluffy big wedding in the first place, and I resented having to talk about it all the time.

I know she's going to want to rehash and I don't want to, and I don't know if I will be able to tell her that I don't want to talk about it. I know it's hard to accept when I say that everything went "fine" because a wedding should be this momentous fantastic event, but getting married was the momentous fantastic event, the wedding was just a tremendous waste of money and time and energy. Everyone gets pissed when I say this, but I was a fat bride, I hated how I looked, I hate the pictures, and I just want to get on with my real life.

This therapist is the one who urged and urged me to forget about weight loss, forget about dieting, forget about all of it, and just accept myself for who I am. I tried that and gained 32 pounds. And you know what? I can't just accept myself the way I am. I cannot accept being >100 lbs overweight. I can't accept being a bloated marshmallow! I just fucking can't! I mean I accept it as in I believe it, but I'm not going to sit here and say "this is a-ok!" because it's not. It is not ok to be this overweight and just sit there and be happy about it. It's not good for my emotional state, and it's sure as hell not good for my physical state.

So I would like to bring that up to her, that my body issues are not only back, but they are worse than ever. That I want to get my shit together once and for all. That of all the antidepressants I've been on, none of them have made a remarkable difference. That I am not feeling better, and that I don't feel this talk therapy has been helpful. That I think there are bigger issues than what is going on in my present life, and that the way I am now is just a magnified version of the child Shrinky, the pudgy, bingeing, shy, scared, tired, disorganized little girl. And that that is what I want to get rid of, and that that must be the key to getting better.

I mean, maybe this isn't even depression. I don't know, I'm not a therapist. All I know is that I feel like shit. And as I have mentioned to my doctors, I have even felt borderline suicidal at times (and not recently and not very seriously so please do not freak out over this). But I feel like at the root of it, it's because I am out of control. There is no event that is making me depressed. There is no one thing that makes me sad. I just don't have my shit together. I never have, but at least I had parents & teachers to sort of push me along. Now I am supposed to be a responsible adult, but my shit is so far from together that I can't even tell you what I'd have to do to get things back together again. I'm miserable! I can't live like this!

Maybe a therapist isn't what I need. Maybe I need a life coach or a fucking surrogate mommy to tell me to do the dishes until I start doing it by habit.

I want to live in a clean, organized home.
I want to have a healthy, reasonably fit body.
I want to work on my writing & read a lot.
I want my finances to get & stay ok.
I just want things to be perfect!

I know it's unreasonable to want things to be perfect. But isn't it reasonable to want to have my finances together, my apartment reasonably tidy, to not be morbidly obese, ... ugh. I know when I say this, she's just going to tell me that it's ok for things not to be perfect. But it's not ok. I want things the way I want them. I just need the energy to do it.

Feeling better...

2006-11-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I did the most important things...

+ Ate my planned dinner
+ Drank lots of water
+ Did 2 mile WATP video
+ Worked a little on my novel

But I slacked on these things...

- Cleaning the computer area
- Cleaning my bedroom

The evening isn't over yet, so I plan to...

+ Take a nice hot shower
+ Have an apple & some tea
+ NaNoWriMo on the laptop
+ Get to bed before midnight
+ Set my alarm early enough to get crockpot stuff cooking before I leave for work

Disappointed

2006-11-01T17:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't been OP for a few days, and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for that. At first, it was because we didn't have any groceries and I didn't have any money for groceries, and on top of the logistics, I was kind of depressed while waiting for payday, so I just ate crap that we had. Then I was just feeling depressed, so I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted.

The laziness though I think is what's killing me. I feel like my organs are turning into full-fat cottage cheese inside my gut from sheer sloth. I want to join a gym, but I don't have the money right now. Is that an excuse to be lazy? Fuck no, I have an elliptical machine, which may be a piece of crap, but it works. I also have WATP videos that I know are a good workout for me, a good yoga video, and Comcast On Demand now has even more fitness options. And I could also be walking.

I'm so cranky and irritable and bored and depressed - exercise will help that, I know that. So, I am getting right back OP now, and I'm going to exercise tonight. Since I am, in fact, cranky, and I have stuff that I want to do tonight (NaNoWriMo, cleaning up my computer area, getting to bed at a reasonable time, straightening up the bedroom), here is my plan:

- Stop @ Subway on my way home to pick up dinner for me & K. I will get a 6" turkey & veggie sub (5 points) with light mayo (+2 points).
- After dinner, I will pop in the WATP 2 mile video and move the booty.
- I will take a nice, hot shower & get into my jammies (aka my novelist uniform).
- I will proceed to straighten my desk area out a bit, and settle down with a sliced apple and cup of herbal tea to work on reaching my 2,500 word goal for the day.
- I will at some point spend at least 15 minutes straightening up the bedroom.

I can do this. Lately I feel like I set goals and blow them off as fast as I set them. Why? I don't really know. I just feel so cranky and bored with everything, and apathetic about things. Even when I know I will feel better getting something done, I'm still likely to blow off most of the things on my to do list, unless they are life or death. I think it only helps to keep me in a state of crabbiness, and adds to my stress.

I'll check in before bed to let you know how I did. If it's after midnight EST and I haven't posted...yell at my lazy ass! Thanks!

Sorry for the Silence

2006-10-31T11:51:00.000-05:00

I've been quiet the past couple of days...I guess I'm not feeling good. I'm very tired, I have this stupid cough, I have this stupid rash, my tailbone hurts, my back hurts, and just blegghhh. I hate this. I feel like I should be feeling great & energized, but I'm just not.

I bet some of how shitty I feel all the time is because I am so overweight. Must stay on track. We have no groceries, so I need to make a grocery list. I was thinking about using PeaPod, but I quickly trashed that plan because I want to see the things I buy, check the expiration dates myself, etc. I have no clue what I want to buy for groceries this week.

So I will think about what I want to eat. Breakfast...I like to eat cereal but I think I'd like to get some protein in by making 5 point Egg "Mock"Muffins and a side of fruit...lunchtime I think I should stick with Lean Cuisines, yogurt & more fruit...dinnertime...well last week I bookmarked a bunch of recipes, so I guess I ought to pick some out. I forsee making lots of soup/stew type things. I also need to keep better snacks on hand...hard boiled eggs, light cheese (mini Babybel's would be perfect to have with an apple), cottage cheese...things with protein. And veggies & hummus because mmm hummus.

I think I can handle putting a list together now.

In other news, NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow, and I think I can I think I can I think I can! Wouldn't it be great if I got to the end of November and finally reached my goal of writing that darned novel draft?

I would also like to start exercising. Maybe I can develop a bizarre writer habit of exercising for 15 minutes after every 1,000 words written or something. I dunno, I just need to start moving my ass. I'm starting to feel like the laziest person on earth.

What's for Dinner?

2006-10-27T16:45:00.000-04:00

One thing I hate about when I get back OP, and maybe this is something I can work on, is that I become fixated on what I can eat next. Like, I'll set aside a snack to eat halfway between lunch & dinner. Immediately after lunch I'm checking my watch to see if it's time for me to have my snack. Is it snacktime yet? Is it snacktime yet? Then once snacktime is over, I start contemplating dinner. Usually I will have planned it long ago, but I may revise my dinner plan, or think of what it will be like to cook it, and eat it, and count the points, and see if I can find ways to bulk it up and make it more substantial.

Part of it is that I actually am hungry. I don't know why people say that you shouldn't be hungry on WW. It's a calorie restricted diet, if you're doing Flex. My body is probably used to consuming 3,000-4,000 calories a day when I'm not paying attention, and yet it's now being coerced to stay around 30 points, or 1,500 calories. So, yeah, I feel hungry! I mean the whole point of losing weight is eating less calories than you burn, so your body starts burning up its own fat stores for energy. So...like...you get so hungry you start digesting yourself. At least this is how I see it in my [insane] mind. Because I'm hungry, and I'm hungry all the time. And it makes me so mad to see the journals of little girls who eat 20 points a day and exercise for 2 hours, and their meals are like a handful of baby carrots and scrambled egg whites, and they clearly are not wired like a foodie because they're not hungry - they feel great - but I am starving just looking at their daily menu.

Although I suppose these people are really the exception to the rule, and maybe other people feel hungry on a reduced calorie diet too. Although my hope is that I will get used to it. I do recall times, after being OP for a week or so, where I felt good and I became a Rabid Weight Watcher and couldn't imagine not being able to stay OP and couldn't imagine wanting to eat bad. So there must be a point where the stomach gets used to smaller meals and gets on with life. But getting there is a bitch.

But, dear god, I do not want to become a Rabid Weight Watcher again. I just want to be me, a normal person who is losing weight in the background. Rabid Weight Watching is pure hell, because it's a waste of time. All you have to do is eat right and exercise a bit. There is no rule that Weight Watchers must make cutesy puns and spout cliches and rhymes about how "Nothing Tastes as good as Thin Feels!" and "Finding my WEIGH to good health!"

I hate puns. I hate them. OhmygodIhatethemsomuch.

But anyway, most Weight Watchers are a-ok in my book...I have been good about ignoring the RWW's and focusing on people who I like and find motivating & inspiring.

Anyway.

Have I mentioned I'm hungry? I had an unplanned trip to the vending machine, but I got a 4 point Rice Krispy treat instead of one of the higher point snacks. I have all my WPA's, so even if I don't totally fit it into my day's plan, I'm covered.

Justifying every snack choice I make makes me hate myself just a little. I think I have to either get over it, or stop obsessing! Why can't I stop obsessing! Is it because it's hard not to, or is it because I'm avoiding other things I don't want to deal with? You can spend countless hours online obsessing about food & WW by the way. I've done it. From scouring message boards & blogs, to looking up restaurants with Nutritional Info and pointing out all of the meals that sound good...there are a million ways to be insanely obsessed with WW. I do not want to go down that path.

I have to remind myself, I know how to do WW, I do not need to do research anymore. I need to focus on what's inside me, instead of what's going to go inside my mouth.

But I'm so crazy right now that I almost don't care about deeper issues. I just want to eat some dinner!

Lunchbag Frenzy

2006-10-27T12:31:00.000-04:00

So, anyone who eats Lean Cuisines may have noticed that the current boxes are pimping out these cute pink/white/orange insulated lunch bags, and if you buy one $5 from the purchase goes to the Susan G. Komen foundation. Now, these lunch bags are frigging adorable. And sold out! I learned this right after deciding that I just had to have one (of course). So then I visit ebay, to find out that these $9.95 cheapo insulated lunch bags are going for $40-75 a piece! Grrr. Guess I cannot get the cute lunch bag.

Can you imagine paying $75 for a lunch bag? Mmm, lunch bag...I just had the best lunch of a Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisine. It tastes just like total junk food. And what can I say, I like that. I did write to Lean Cuisine to ask them to bring the bags back, since clearly there is a demand for them if people are willing to pay seven times their value to snag one.

There's just such a shortage of cute stuff, you know? I think cute stuff makes daily boringness more exciting. A cute mug makes drinking coffee at home more fun. A cute apron makes cooking less painful. I just figured I'd be even more likely to bring my lunch and avoid eating out (which is my caloric downfall) if I had a super cute lunch bag to tote it in. I may have to scour some online shops for other cute things to make bringing lunch continue to be appealing.

Weigh In Friday

2006-10-27T09:31:00.000-04:00

Weighed in this morning at 258 which is -2 lbs from Monday's weigh in. I'm very pleased indeed, and I hope I can use this to keep me motivated to see another loss next Friday!

Here's my progress towards reaching my 10%:

Crapola

2006-10-27T01:15:00.000-04:00

So, it's 1:30 am, and I should be asleep, but I'm in this stupid panic because the apartment is messy and it's making me feel completely neurotic. All I can think about is how much work there is to do. And how cold my feet were in bed when I tried to go to sleep at 11:30. Why are my feet always blocks of ice? I tossed and turned and tried all sorts of configurations of putting my feet as far up into my pajama pant cuffs as they would go, and sort of edging closer and closer to K, but not quite daring to put my icicle feet on him because even though I know what heavenly bliss it would be to steal his body heat, I think he'd jump 20 feet into the air and scream for an hour if I did that while he was sleeping...and I guess I'm just not that mean.

So I got up and turned the heat up a bit in the apartment (apparently it's 30 degrees outside!), and took a hot shower... but I still don't feel like I can sleep. I don't want to take something, but I pretty much have to, and it's pretty much going to be an Ativan because of my ridiculously high anxiety levels. Skyrocketing. Why? This makes no sense!

I guess I'm just uncomfortable. Not just from being cold or in a messy apartment. I just don't feel like the ground I'm on is stable yet. There's too many loose ends, things that need to be done, and I don't feel secure. All the stupid little things, finances, cleaning, name change, etc...getting back into the swing of things at work...it's just this whole pile of utter imperfection, not even that it's imperfect, but it's all just a big disaster. And me, Little Miss Virgo, I just cannot stand it, it makes me feel like things aren't stable yet and I can't let my guard down.

Ok...ok...ok...I am going to go take something to sleep, make a cup of tea, and try to unwind a little. ::: hyperventilates :::

shrinky strikes back

What's up?

Workout Music

Trying another new thing!

You are getting very sleepy...

Old Navy Update

Old Navy Disappointment

Reminders

Day One

Grumble

Back

Stressed

KISS!

Update Time

Just me, whining...

Dinners

March Wrap-Up

Something New (for me)

Better

Why I've been struggling...

I want it!

Struggling

Getting Tough

Mid-Week Update

Another Week, Another Weigh In

Friday's WI

Hello, Monday

I don't want to jinx myself, but ...

Just an Update

Hello

Sugar Blues

More reflecting

WI Friday

Reflecting

February Sucks

Fresh New Day, Fresh New Week

Tomorrow is WI Day

What do I *need*?

The Plan for Now

Attention Jerks

My Current Project

It's not fair

Weekend Recap

Doing better

Really Down

I love exercise!

It can't be over...!

Much Better

Still here, Still sick...

Return of the Snot Monster

Trifecta of Crap

Feeling better...

100th Post!

Ho ho ho...!

Regrouping

Not Good

Chocolates Galore

Le Sigh

Thinking about November

Bad news & Good news...

Hello, December!

Inner Voices

Bringing Shrinkyback (again!)

Rethinking...

Back on Track

Why the Temptation?

Time to Refocus

Last Week

Expectations

Exercise

A Little Better

Ready to Cry

Stop Obsessing!

Not Hungry

Food & WATP

Wedding Envy

Quick Update

I never finish anyth

Ugly Duckling

Weigh in Friday

What do I need?