shrinky strikes back

Friday, June 29, 2007

Day One

Last night I did wake up in the middle of the night & binge. Two bowls of cereal. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I've been doing this almost every night since we moved. When I wake up I do not think clearly. I just am driven to do it so I do. It's not actual hunger, I don't think. Though I have stopped eating a nighttime snack before bed, so maybe that is contributing to the problem.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and weighed myself. 269.4. That's 10 lbs higher (give or take) than the last time I weighed myself. I am upset, but not really surprised. I *was* upset when I plugged my weight into Fitday and on its little chart where it says Underweight, Normal, Overweight, Obese... it had a little arrow pointing to the right of "Obese" with the caption "Off the Chart".

I am off the chart obese.

And yet I continue to lie to myself when I want to rationalize a snack, telling myself "I'm not that bad...." I am that bad. I am very, very fat. I don't often see it when I look in the mirror. But someone who is 5'4" and 269 lbs is very, very fat.

Maybe it's not that I try to rationalize my weight ... maybe I am just in denial. Like someone who has cancer but refuses to accept it. Do I refuse to accept my weight problem? I can't ignore it easily. Every time I go shopping I have to grab larger and larger size clothes. Some 2x shirts I bought are snug and make me feel self conscious. I have pants that are a size 26. Some of my 24's are snug right out of the wash. A year ago, I remember crying when I had to go up to a 22. Two years ago, I was in an 18.

Anyway, there isn't much of a point in dwelling on self-pity and regret. I am what I am right now, and as much as I might wish I could go back and edit my previous food selections and activity choices, I cannot. All I have control of is what I am going to do with what I have right now.

As I had mentioned, my plan was to sign up with Fitday...however, already feeling stung from being declared "Off the Chart", I found logging my breakfast and planned lunch to be a total pain in the ass. Their food database leaves much to be desired, and some of their nutritional facts are just way off! (1 cup of tempura is in no way ~100 calories and ~7 grams of fat!!!) I plugged my same info into Spark People and I found it a lot easier with a more extensive food database and more realistic nutrition info. Thus, I have decided to use Spark People as my log. I was excited to find that I can also share my meal tracker via Spark People.

So, to reiterate my plan:
  • Logging my meals into Spark People.
  • Taking a walk or doing some physical activity daily.
  • Writing in this journal on a daily basis.
I'll add more guidelines as I progress with this. It's going to be hard not to be impatient while I make some slower changes, but I cannot go on the way I am.

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Grumble

Well, I successfully moved my blog to shrinky.net but because I haven't really tinkered with web design in about 3-4 years I am having one hell of a time making it look the way I like. So for the time being, I am going to use one of Blogger's templates. I'm kind of busy so it will have to do for now, I suppose. Even if it is kind of annoying for it not to look just-so. I am very into things being just-so.

Did I mention that my husband and I bought a house? We are mostly moved in, though there are still piles of crap that have to be moved out of the apartment. We have to turn the keys to our apartment in by July 7, so I am a little nervous about getting it cleared out and cleaned up by then. I think a blowtorch might help. ;-)

I love the new house though, and my new neighborhood. It's a safe and pretty place to walk around, which I've confirmed by noting all of the people going for walks in the mornings and evenings. It's wooded and green and sidewalked and just lovely. And we are walking distance to an outdoor pool & tennis courts that we can use. I may have to have K teach me to play tennis.

Of course I feel like the amount of crap we have to do before we can kick back and have some fun is practically insurmountable. BOXES BOXES BOXES...everywhere! And we've finished most of our painting, but we still have to do the trim. But it's frigging hot lately and the only a/c is in the master bedroom. I can't set up my computer desk at home until we finish painting the trim in the office / guest room.

But anyway...as I mentioned, I am starting my new & improved weight loss program tomorrow. I am about to run out to try & buy a quality bathroom scale. I also will have to do a little grocery shopping tonight (need to make a list first, I guess), and research what my general calorie goals should be.

Well, I will check in tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Back

I needed to take a break from this blog. I've been incredibly busy between buying our new house & moving into it (still working on that, btw), and being a maid of honor in my best friend's wedding (lots of weekends driving to NJ to attend wedding related festivities).

I feel burnt out. I feel confused. I feel lost. I want to take action because my weight makes me unhappy ... AND SCARED. But I am having such a hard time overcoming this mental block I have. I'm afraid to start, because I'm afraid of failing again. And I'm tired, I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over.

I did come up with a new plan that is something different and also seems pretty reasonable.
  • Following the principles of the No-S Diet
  • Tracking my meals and exercise in Fitday (and possibly publishing my Fitday journal)
  • Buying a quality scale and weighing myself every Friday morning before work
  • Starting a walking program since my new neighborhood is safe & sidewalked
  • Making my own meals when possible and bringing my lunch to work
What do you think?

Anyway...still feeling down. I need encouragement. I need someone to tell me I can do this. I need someone to believe in me. And I need to convince myself that I can do this, and learn to believe in myself as well.

I'm afraid to weigh myself on Friday, but I am going to do it and stop procrastinating.