Sorry for the Silence

I've been quiet the past couple of days...I guess I'm not feeling good. I'm very tired, I have this stupid cough, I have this stupid rash, my tailbone hurts, my back hurts, and just blegghhh. I hate this. I feel like I should be feeling great & energized, but I'm just not.

I bet some of how shitty I feel all the time is because I am so overweight. Must stay on track. We have no groceries, so I need to make a grocery list. I was thinking about using PeaPod, but I quickly trashed that plan because I want to see the things I buy, check the expiration dates myself, etc. I have no clue what I want to buy for groceries this week.

So I will think about what I want to eat. Breakfast...I like to eat cereal but I think I'd like to get some protein in by making 5 point Egg "Mock"Muffins and a side of fruit...lunchtime I think I should stick with Lean Cuisines, yogurt & more fruit...dinnertime...well last week I bookmarked a bunch of recipes, so I guess I ought to pick some out. I forsee making lots of soup/stew type things. I also need to keep better snacks on hand...hard boiled eggs, light cheese (mini Babybel's would be perfect to have with an apple), cottage cheese...things with protein. And veggies & hummus because mmm hummus.

I think I can handle putting a list together now.

In other news, NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow, and I think I can I think I can I think I can! Wouldn't it be great if I got to the end of November and finally reached my goal of writing that darned novel draft?

I would also like to start exercising. Maybe I can develop a bizarre writer habit of exercising for 15 minutes after every 1,000 words written or something. I dunno, I just need to start moving my ass. I'm starting to feel like the laziest person on earth.

What's for Dinner?

One thing I hate about when I get back OP, and maybe this is something I can work on, is that I become fixated on what I can eat next. Like, I'll set aside a snack to eat halfway between lunch & dinner. Immediately after lunch I'm checking my watch to see if it's time for me to have my snack. Is it snacktime yet? Is it snacktime yet? Then once snacktime is over, I start contemplating dinner. Usually I will have planned it long ago, but I may revise my dinner plan, or think of what it will be like to cook it, and eat it, and count the points, and see if I can find ways to bulk it up and make it more substantial.

Part of it is that I actually am hungry. I don't know why people say that you shouldn't be hungry on WW. It's a calorie restricted diet, if you're doing Flex. My body is probably used to consuming 3,000-4,000 calories a day when I'm not paying attention, and yet it's now being coerced to stay around 30 points, or 1,500 calories. So, yeah, I feel hungry! I mean the whole point of losing weight is eating less calories than you burn, so your body starts burning up its own fat stores for energy. So...like...you get so hungry you start digesting yourself. At least this is how I see it in my [insane] mind. Because I'm hungry, and I'm hungry all the time. And it makes me so mad to see the journals of little girls who eat 20 points a day and exercise for 2 hours, and their meals are like a handful of baby carrots and scrambled egg whites, and they clearly are not wired like a foodie because they're not hungry - they feel great - but I am starving just looking at their daily menu.

Although I suppose these people are really the exception to the rule, and maybe other people feel hungry on a reduced calorie diet too. Although my hope is that I will get used to it. I do recall times, after being OP for a week or so, where I felt good and I became a Rabid Weight Watcher and couldn't imagine not being able to stay OP and couldn't imagine wanting to eat bad. So there must be a point where the stomach gets used to smaller meals and gets on with life. But getting there is a bitch.

But, dear god, I do not want to become a Rabid Weight Watcher again. I just want to be me, a normal person who is losing weight in the background. Rabid Weight Watching is pure hell, because it's a waste of time. All you have to do is eat right and exercise a bit. There is no rule that Weight Watchers must make cutesy puns and spout cliches and rhymes about how "Nothing Tastes as good as Thin Feels!" and "Finding my WEIGH to good health!"

I hate puns. I hate them. OhmygodIhatethemsomuch.

But anyway, most Weight Watchers are a-ok in my book...I have been good about ignoring the RWW's and focusing on people who I like and find motivating & inspiring.

Anyway.

Have I mentioned I'm hungry? I had an unplanned trip to the vending machine, but I got a 4 point Rice Krispy treat instead of one of the higher point snacks. I have all my WPA's, so even if I don't totally fit it into my day's plan, I'm covered.

Justifying every snack choice I make makes me hate myself just a little. I think I have to either get over it, or stop obsessing! Why can't I stop obsessing! Is it because it's hard not to, or is it because I'm avoiding other things I don't want to deal with? You can spend countless hours online obsessing about food & WW by the way. I've done it. From scouring message boards & blogs, to looking up restaurants with Nutritional Info and pointing out all of the meals that sound good...there are a million ways to be insanely obsessed with WW. I do not want to go down that path.

I have to remind myself, I know how to do WW, I do not need to do research anymore. I need to focus on what's inside me, instead of what's going to go inside my mouth.

But I'm so crazy right now that I almost don't care about deeper issues. I just want to eat some dinner!

Lunchbag Frenzy

So, anyone who eats Lean Cuisines may have noticed that the current boxes are pimping out these cute pink/white/orange insulated lunch bags, and if you buy one $5 from the purchase goes to the Susan G. Komen foundation. Now, these lunch bags are frigging adorable. And sold out! I learned this right after deciding that I just had to have one (of course). So then I visit ebay, to find out that these $9.95 cheapo insulated lunch bags are going for $40-75 a piece! Grrr. Guess I cannot get the cute lunch bag.

Can you imagine paying $75 for a lunch bag? Mmm, lunch bag...I just had the best lunch of a Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisine. It tastes just like total junk food. And what can I say, I like that. I did write to Lean Cuisine to ask them to bring the bags back, since clearly there is a demand for them if people are willing to pay seven times their value to snag one.

There's just such a shortage of cute stuff, you know? I think cute stuff makes daily boringness more exciting. A cute mug makes drinking coffee at home more fun. A cute apron makes cooking less painful. I just figured I'd be even more likely to bring my lunch and avoid eating out (which is my caloric downfall) if I had a super cute lunch bag to tote it in. I may have to scour some online shops for other cute things to make bringing lunch continue to be appealing.

Weigh In Friday

Weighed in this morning at 258 which is -2 lbs from Monday's weigh in. I'm very pleased indeed, and I hope I can use this to keep me motivated to see another loss next Friday!

Here's my progress towards reaching my 10%:

Crapola

So, it's 1:30 am, and I should be asleep, but I'm in this stupid panic because the apartment is messy and it's making me feel completely neurotic. All I can think about is how much work there is to do. And how cold my feet were in bed when I tried to go to sleep at 11:30. Why are my feet always blocks of ice? I tossed and turned and tried all sorts of configurations of putting my feet as far up into my pajama pant cuffs as they would go, and sort of edging closer and closer to K, but not quite daring to put my icicle feet on him because even though I know what heavenly bliss it would be to steal his body heat, I think he'd jump 20 feet into the air and scream for an hour if I did that while he was sleeping...and I guess I'm just not that mean.

So I got up and turned the heat up a bit in the apartment (apparently it's 30 degrees outside!), and took a hot shower... but I still don't feel like I can sleep. I don't want to take something, but I pretty much have to, and it's pretty much going to be an Ativan because of my ridiculously high anxiety levels. Skyrocketing. Why? This makes no sense!

I guess I'm just uncomfortable. Not just from being cold or in a messy apartment. I just don't feel like the ground I'm on is stable yet. There's too many loose ends, things that need to be done, and I don't feel secure. All the stupid little things, finances, cleaning, name change, etc...getting back into the swing of things at work...it's just this whole pile of utter imperfection, not even that it's imperfect, but it's all just a big disaster. And me, Little Miss Virgo, I just cannot stand it, it makes me feel like things aren't stable yet and I can't let my guard down.

Ok...ok...ok...I am going to go take something to sleep, make a cup of tea, and try to unwind a little. ::: hyperventilates :::

Whine Alert!

I am feeling like a total whiny loser today, which reminds me of snackie's smallest violin post, which is in turn reminding me to get my shit together, stat.

Here's my whine: My head hurts, I have a migraine / sinus headache, my allergies are killing me, I'm depressed, I'm tired, I wasn't that great this morning, or last night, I didn't plan ahead, my apartment is still a frigging mess, I need to start exercising, I need to go to the grocery store, I need to sit down with K and do budget stuff, I need to clean the kitchen.

Ok, phew, that's out.

I am supposed to go to Foxwoods tomorrow night with the boys to lose a lot of money at the poker tables. I'm starting to think that I might be better off staying in, doing some laundry (I know that sounds pathetic but Friday night is the only night my apt complex's laundry room is guaranteed to be empty), watching a movie, and eating a dinner that is both points friendly *and* scrumptious, rather than crap at the Hard Rock Cafe and endless booze.

I think after wedding stuff and honeymoon stuff that maybe an evening to myself is just the ticket. This way K can have some boy time, I can have some me time to indulge my inner introvert, and I can easily stay OP, get some rest, get some cleaning done, and recharge a little. Saturday I am hoping to go with K to a new sushi place in town (ahhh, sushi, the decadent OP treat of the gods), and Sunday W & M invited us over to watch the eps of Battlestar they tivo-ed for us while we were getting married & honeymooning while eating brunch.

Brunch I can handle, btw. While I am bringing stuff to make Mimosas, I can totally stay OP with a couple Mimosas and some scrambled eggs and toast. One perk of being fat is the 30 target points I get each day, anyway.

I also want to decorate. Maybe this weekend I can hang some pictures and look into ordering a frame for the large antique poster I have wanted to hang over the bed for a million years. I'm also inspired to make a headboard, after my friend S did so, and it came out awesome. Plywood, batting, sturdy cloth, staple gun...easy as pie, and it's a great excuse for getting my VERY OWN STAPLE GUN which is something I have always wanted. There is no feeling quite as exhilirating as using a staple gun when you are stressed out or pissed off. I imagine it would be a million times better with one of those really tough staple guns or nail guns, but I'm a bit clumsy so I'll stick with the wussy staple guns that are just strong enough to go through some wood.

Head still hurts - A LOT. I think I am going to go home for lunch, eat a Lean Cuisine, and take a short nap. I love living close to the office.

Quickie

Just a quickie to say that I was 100% OP today, this makes 2 days in a row. But I'm still hungry and that pisses me off, esp because I know I ate plenty!

Hungry

I'm hungry. I know that I'm not really hungry, but my stomach is used to being overstuffed I guess. It's grumbling a little. I forgot that the first few days back OP are the hardest for me (well at least until the end of the second week, which is another challenge of its own). Adjusting to paying attention to portion sizes, and getting my body to remember what normal portions and meals are.

I need to stop thinking about food, and just go back to cleaning. I'll have some Activia yogurt & grapes in a little bit, but I want to eat that shortly before I cook dinner so that I don't pick while I'm cooking.

I feel weird. Like, jeez, how many times have I been where I am now? Starting over. Is this time really different? Do I really have faith in myself that I can do this? I just feel so demoralized from the past, and as much as I know how crucial it is to put it all behind me, I can't ignore it.

Just like I'm about to embark on another attempt at NaNoWriMo, the challenge of writing a 50,000 word novel between November 1 and 30. I've tried it every year since it started, and have never made it very far at all. But I'm doing it again this year. I have a plan in mind. And I feel like if I can finish NaNoWriMo, maybe that will be proof that I'm a changed woman. That I can follow through with things I start. That's something I've never been very good at. Starting is exciting and fun. Persevering is a pain in the ass, and all glamour is lost. Whether it's with a diet or a novel challenge, or whatever. I'm great at planning and I love that aspect of any sort of "project", but I suck at the follow through.

But weight loss isn't just a "project". It's my life. It has to become ingrained.

And writing...well, fuck. Am I ever going to follow through with my dreams? I talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk. I'd like to be a writer, not just a "technical writer" which is what my dayjob is.

Anyway, I'm hungry and the apartment is still a mess...so I'm going to go back to cleaning up and then have my snack, and then clean some more. Whee.

Pretty Good

So, as I said I would, I began tracking for Flex again yesterday. I wound up coming 1 point under my target! That is pretty unheard of for me...I'm not going to be too strict about getting all 30 in every day, because 30 points is pretty high, even if it is my target. 1 point under will make no difference. I'm sure I won't have the problem of not eating enough too often anyway, hahaha.

Last night I kept waking up with the urge to get up and eat. I had this problem with waking up in the middle of the night and bingeing for months, most likely triggered by anxiety. I am really proud of myself for resisting the urge though, just drinking some water and going back to bed.

What am I still anxious about though? Lots of things. When am I not anxious, really?

The apartment is such a pigsty, and I don't even know where to begin with getting things cleaned up. I mean, what I really need is to just set fire to everything and start fresh. Papers and boxes and wedding craft supplies and books and wedding gifts, ugh. And the laundry! Oh, the laundry, the neverending source of hell. If I had a washer & dryer of my own, it wouldn't be so bad, but whenever I have time to do some laundry, my neighbors have beat me to the 2 working machines. Fuckers.

But I just need to tackle it. Do some laundry, I have all day. Start cleaning. Even if I just get a couple rooms done, say, the bathroom & the kitchen, and the litterboxes, that will be a start. I should sign up for FlyLady again. Even though her e-mails are flowery & obnoxious, I do sort of need to have that electronic "Mommy" reminding me to wash the dishes and make the bed.

So, yeah, the apartment mess is making me anxious, but it's nothing I can't tackle.

Next up, money! K & I are combining our bank accounts, which will make life easier since usually we're always trading money back & forth to cover shared bills. But in the meantime, I have to figure out the best way to switch all of my electronic payments and my direct deposit paycheck at work. I need to make sure there's no lag, so that my electric bill is being taken from my old account, but my paycheck is going into my new account. And to do all of this, K & I really need to sit down and do a whole big combined budget list and that is just a pain in the ass. But we should make time to do that, say, this week.

Ok, I just e-mailed K @ work to ask him if we can have a "budget date" Thursday night to go over this stuff and put it to bed.

Another issue with finances & the like is my name. I changed it, but I don't have my marriage license back yet, so I can't officially change it, and therefore, a lot of my banking & bill stuff is still under my old name. Which just throws a monkey wrench into things.

Also, I sort of feel almost a little...wistful... about my new name. I know I wanted to change it, and I preserved my maiden name by making it my middle name ( a la Senator Clinton), but I guess I'm just not used to it yet. Someone called me Mrs. C on my honeymoon, and I was like "huh, who? oh, me!". It's just weird, and part of it I think is that now I feel like I'm not my parents' little girl anymore and waah waah waah I don't want to grow up. But at the same time, my new last name is sort of romantic and it's hard to spell and that's always fun for me.

Anyway, a rose by any other name is just as lovable.

I think that's what's so weird about being married. It's like the ultimate in expectations for you to act like a grown up. And I never really want to act like a grown up. But at the same time, I do have these expectations for myself to stop being such a slob once and for all, for K & I to get our finances in order, and to start planning for buying a house and whatnot. And not to mention the weight loss.

I'm Ready

As I mentioned, I am ready. Even though I did a lot of relaxing and recharging, I did a lot of thinking as well. I couldn't really help it. There were a lot of things I could have enjoyed a lot more and not been afraid to do had I been thinner, in better shape. On the plane, I had to lift the stupid armrest up between me & my husband because of my goddamn hips & thighs. There were at least 2 restaurants who had chairs that I could barely squeeze into for the same reason. And I wanted to try SCUBA or the faux SCUBA trips, but (and I didn't admit this until just now) I was terrified of being made to wear a wet suit or life jacket and not having them fit. Plus, there were all of these gorgeous bikini and sundress clad girls, and I couldn't help but feeling a little bit wistful, especially after looking in the giant mirrors in our hotel room at my body, and the fairly new stretch marks that now cover pretty much all of me from upper thighs to tummy to breasts. It's so hard to feel sexy in honeymoon lingere when you feel like your body is, after all, destroyed from self-inflicted abuse and neglect. The stretch marks I think are the worst. They are everywhere and bright red and they make me feel like I'm in a horror movie.

I just can't continue to live like this. No meal, no dessert, no temporary feeling of bliss, can make living this way worth it anymore.

Things that should be easy are hard. Things I'm too embarrassed to mention even here are being made difficult if not impossible due to my weight. I know my husband loves me the way I am, but I know he noticed me struggling with things, and I saw a look of sadness in his eyes, like he wanted to tell me it was ok, but he was afraid acknowledging my struggling would just make me feel worse (and it probably would have).

So, this is why I'm ready. This just has to be rock bottom, as far as my body goes. But at the same time, I have a fresh start before me. Maybe Shrinky O. was lazy and stressed out, but maybe Shrinky C. can have new priorities and new drive to achieve them.

I'm back...!

Back from Aruba, and I am ready to continue facing my overeating and depression, and to continue to work to take care of myself. That actually sounds really wussy, because my intention is to leap right back into WW after I weigh myself tomorrow morning (yeah, ugh, post honeymoon WI, not looking forward so much). But I'm back and I'm ready and I have a lot of things to write about that I've been thinking of.

Tomorrow the plan is (1) Weigh In (2) Grocery Shop (3) Laundry (4) Clean apartment (5) Veg out (6) Watch Heroes.

I have to download last Monday's ep of Heroes, and the last 2 eps of Battlestar. Man, I really wish our Tivo hadn't died right before the wedding...!

I did it!

I went & got myself all married...! We're leaving for the honeymoon (Aruba!) tomorrow, so I won't be updating until after we get back next Sunday.

4 days & counting...!

I am excited for the wedding (Saturday!) and for t he honeymoon (Monday!!!), but (and maybe this is sad), I'm almost more excited to get back into a routine at home. I'm excited to get the apartment cleaned up, put away the wedding gifts and the supplies I used for favor-making and whatnot. I'm excited to start using our new crockpot and cooking gadgets that we got at the shower. I'm excited to have the time and the energy to start taking better care of myself again too.

The next few days are going to be nuts. I am going to try & write down a daily schedule with the stuff I have left to do, so that I leave some room for getting a little relaxation in.

Tonight Kevin & I have a meeting with the wedding coordinator to go over the final stuff. I lost the seating chart I made! I have to rush home and print out another copy before we can go. Nuts!

Tomorrow I have to work, and on my lunch break I need to bring my car to have its damage appraised, and to get some smudge-proof pens at Staples. Then after work I need to go pick up my aunt at Logan Express. We'll probably meet dinner for Kevin somewhere fun, and I'll bring her to the hotel just in time to have to go back to Logan Express to pick up my parents. Maybe I can talk Kevin into doing that, but I'm not holding my breath.

Thursday morning I have an eye doctor appointment, in which I hope to procure a week's worth of contact lenses to last me through the wedding stuff. Then I will have my parents and aunt help me re-make all of my damn favors because they are truffles and they melted in my apartment during the excessively hot & humid month of September. In the late afternoon, I have my final dress fitting & pickup, and will bring my dress to the hotel room. Then I guess we'll do dinner with my family. I'll probably make us reservations at the Naked Fish, not only because it absolutely rocks, but also because my favorite meal there is also healthy (seriously, wtf, that never happens). Ok, I suppose that getting plantains as one of my sides isn't the best option, but it is the best tasting option, and I hope it's made up for by my ordering the scrumptious grilled asparagus and citrus marinated chicken.

Hopefully Thursday after dinner the favors will be done, but if not, we will finish those little bastards, as well as the out-of-towner bags. The out-of-towner bags that I feel are totally unnecessary, but that my stepmother and father insist are very important and must be done. Bleggghhhhh.

Also, somehow, someway, laundry must be done! Maybe we can do a load or two tonight but Thursday night, more laundry is getting done.

I was going to say that Friday we should start packing for the honeymoon, but you know what? Screw it. That's what Sunday is for. Friday the only plan is for the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner & then we invited the wedding party to hang out and have cocktails and maybe play Apples to Apples and Guitar Hero.

Have you ever played Apples to Apples? It's the most fun "board" game to play while drinking. Even people who hate board games seem to enjoy it. And I say "board" game with the quotes because there's no board, just cards.

Saturday is The Big Day and I get to sleep late since I don't have to be at the salon until noon. This is the #1 perk of having an evening wedding...well that and the fact that dancing in the daytime is just strange. The ceremony starts at 5:15, dinner at 7, I'll probably go into the bathroom and cry about something one of my relatives did at some point, at which point one of my bridesmaids will bring me a whisky sour, and I'll go back and dance to Ice Ice Baby. Isn't that what weddings are about?

Sunday we get to have some breakfast, pack up for Aruba, confirm all our flight & hotel plans again, give Eric our keys and cat sitting instructions, and attempt to recover. And this reminds me that I really need to look up the flight info again because I have no idea what time we're leaving. And I'm supposedly the organized one.

Is it extremely neurotic control freak of me to type up a honeymoon itinerary? You know what? I don't care. I'd rather get organized now while I'm already stressed out so I don't have to stress out worse on vacation.

Conquistador of Chaos

The wedding is coming up so fast. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get things done on time. Furthermore, today I have to run to the Police Station to submit my stupid accident report, and to town hall to pick up my marriage license. What a waste of a lunch break. I suppose while I do that, I'll be near home so I can stop in and have a lean cuisine since I forgot to bring lunch today.

Yesterday I posted a lot and honestly, even though maybe I'm bordering on providing TMI, it was really cathartic and I think I really have to do some digging to find out why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do.

I feel like my weight problems and other problems stem from some core things I taught myself years and years ago. For example, I have always been disorganized. I think Julie Morganstern (author of Organizing from the Inside Out & Time Management from the Inside Out) would refer to me as a "conquistador of chaos". I let things get out of control, and then swoop in and put things back together again. And try as I might, I just have never been able to reach that balance where I don't let things get out of control. And while it's great, sure, that I am able to fix my messes, it means that I spend a lot of time anxious about the disaster I have created, and then fixing it. Instead of living life, enjoying life, doing the things I really want. I mean, it's not my life goal to constantly be cleaning or dieting or trying to make an emergency financial plan.

Since elementary school I never did homework consistently. I wanted to, but I just couldn't get my shit together. I couldn't keep my room clean. I wanted to. But I just didn't have whatever it takes to remember to put things away when I was done with them. Or I would for like a week, and then I'd stop because I'd be distracted or something.

Ditto for every diet plan - whether you want to call them diets or a "way of life", I still could not do anything consistently for long, before something came up and I went to my old ways. Exercise too.

Oh and my finances, forget it. I've been in a cycle of disaster & self-rescue for ages. I make plenty of money to be able to live my life the way I want, but I let myself forget to be conscious of spending, forget to be conscious of how little & medium purchases add up and quickly exceed what I have leftover in my checking account after bills. I don't want to think about it so I don't, until it's time to save myself.

And I love saving myself. At least I used to, until recently when I realized that it's never been permanent and I always fall back into my old patterns...since realizing that, I feel more hopeless than anything. But the act of saving yourself, getting sudden clarity and focus, putting together a game plan, cleaning a mess up. It's a great feeling of ecstasy and it lifts me right out of the depression that got me into the mess in the first place. I plan routines to maintain my repaired life, and they last only as long as the ecstasy - probably about a week or two. Then I might begrudgingly maintain my routine for another week, half-assing it all along, realizing how boring or not fun it is, and then things fall apart.

So...do I know how I got into this pattern, or how to make it stop? No. But I guess this is something I should be poking at while trying to get to the bottom of things.

It just hurts...

I just hurt so much. It's not even physical, I just hurt. I guess I am depressed. I know that my depression always takes an even bigger nosedive right before my period, and yet every time I have trouble identifying why suddenly I feel even more miserable than usual.

I hurt because I don't know a way out of this rut. I hurt because I've wasted so much time already. I hurt because my brain doesn't make the right chemicals for me to just be happy. I hurt because I won't get to see K for another 3 hours. I hurt because I don't know what I'm doing. I hurt because I'm afraid of what's to come in life. I hurt because I don't feel like I really have control over my own future.

More Thoughts

As you can see, the focus of this journal has shifted a bit, from being about daily points to being more about what's going on inside. I reserve the right to post whatever I want whenever I want, after all, this is my blog.

It's hard to really figure out where I go from here. I am trying to be vigilant about what I eat, and I think that's the best I can do for right now. After the wedding & the honeymoon, I am going to crack down pretty hard, I think. While I have some internal repairs to make, I can work on the external repairs at the same time. They are both going to take a very long time.

I think maybe some of the overeating is some strange method I developed to sort of take care of myself while no one else was. That could explain the soothingness, the relaxation I feel when I overeat or eat some comfort foods. Bad day? Have some toast and tea and curl up in front of the tv. Rough morning? Get a nice big coffee with lots of cream and sugar and a big chocolate muffin. No kids want to play with you at lunch time? Find $0.50 to buy an ice cream cone. The ice cream cone always wants to play. I have fond memories of losing myself in a book and a snack/meal/etc. I think if in my stepmom's house we were allowed to eat in the living room, I would have done the same with the tv, even though I wasn't half as lonely.

Maybe since moving to Massachusetts and leaving the friends I made as a teenager and grew so close to behind, I sort of became the weird little girl I had previously been again. Gaining weight, retreating into food, hiding from the world, just not being good enough. I feel a lot of social awkwardness when it comes to making female friends - I can't get close to people easily. I am never sure if they really like me back, and there's also the fact that I'm kind of a grump, so I often find people irritating for stupid reasons.

I mean it's been over 3 years and I'm only just recently starting to feel like I am capable of making friends. And part of me wants to say, well, who needs 'em? I have my fiance. I have guy friends. But I miss D and J so much. And even my fond memories often include food. Going out to eat, long conversations over a good meal. Shopping and eating and shopping and talking. And yet when I was in that situation, I kept weight off fairly easily. I mean I was never skinny, do not get me wrong. My graceful swan was a chubby graceful swan, but not an obese graceful swan, and not an ugly graceful swan either. By my senior year of high school, I was in the 150's at 5'4" with a slim face and an hourglass, muscular figure, and even though I wore size 14's and size large tops, I was pretty. I may not have known it at the time, I may have felt desperately overweight, but part of me knew that I had become a bit more attractive and just didn't know what to do with it. I felt really far behind socially, a pretty girl with an ugly girl's mentality. Hiding from guys and girls who were good looking, because any ugly girl or fat girl with low enough self-esteem knows that guys and pretty girls are the enemy. They want to make you feel bad and break your heart into a million pieces. The better looking someone is, the more they must despise you for who you are. Maybe I felt like they'd see through me. Normal looking at first glance, but if I spoke or interacted too much, my inner dork would come out.

I'm more comfortable with my inner dork most of the time. I feel like I can usually speak with strangers, good looking or not, and my fake personality will take care of me. It's a mask I have to put on because inside I'm still scared of people. Scared of being laughed at, made fun of, teased. In elementary school, I was teased so often, so mercilessly. I didn't even realize how much I was teased...at some point during my adult years I looked at my 6th grade yearbook. A kid who I had always talked with and considered one of my schoolyard allies wrote in my yearbook: "Have a great summer. Don't eat alot."

But my fake, friendly personality does get me through a lot, where I'm not quite as afraid of people anymore. And instead of fear, sometimes I channel that into anger at those people, and try to find flaws to make fun of before they can get to me. Dumb jocks, stupid frat boys, slutty girls, princesses. I just put these people, who I don't know, who I might not ever meet, into my list of enemies right away. Otherwise, I wind up feeling inferior to them, like they're an alpha dog and I'm the lowest part of the pack.

Because I'm fat, I'm shy, I'm awkward, and I don't know what I'm doing with people!

Am I staying fat to hide, or to make myself unlikeable? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I hate this so much.

There really isn't any reason people shouldn't like me. I think I'm pretty smart, and I dress nice and smell nice most of the time. I think people find me funny sometimes. I guess my social issue is also that I have trouble listening to people or caring about their issues because I'm so self-centered, wrapped up inside myself, inside my own anxieties and troubles.

Red Light!

Time to revisit the concept of red light foods. The ones that I really should not buy, because I can't handle having them in my possession. The ones that trigger me to overeat and sometimes binge.

I need to stop buying:
- WW Cakes & Muffins
- Cocoa Via Chocolates
- All other chocolates!
- Granola bars, esp w/ chocolate

Um...there's a theme there. Chocolate & sugar. I am going to try to stick to yogurt & cottage cheese & hummus & crap for snacks, and limit chocolatey & sugary things to when I am out and can thus only have a single serving.

It probably doesn't help that I'm PMS-ing but I ate 3 WW chocolate muffins (9 points total) and 2 packets of Cocoa Via chocolate covered almonds (6 points total) last night, and two bowls of Kevin's Corn Pops for breakfast. That's another thing I'm not buying anymore. Sugar cereals for Kevin...he can stick w/ shredded mini wheats, at least they are whole grain and I don't want to binge on them.

Anyway, so, last night & this morning were not so great. I'm going out for Chinese for lunch and will stick with chicken with broccoli and steamed rice, and for dinner I'm having leftover GLOP and veggies.

I'm ba-ack...!

I stopped posting because I had made a decision to stop obsessing about food & my weight for awhile to see how that would go. It didn't go very well and I've gained some more weight. I didn't even think I was eating all that bad! Ugh. I feel like crap about the whole thing.

I think I am finally starting to realize that I just can't eat freely. If I ever want to get to and stay at a healthy weight I will always have to watch what I eat. I will always have to balance a higher calorie/point meal with lower calorie/point meals and exercise. I will always have to plan ahead when I can and make the best choices when I can't. I will always have to use portion control. I am not like those of my friends who can dine with wild abandon. I can enjoy food, but it must be in moderation.

I also think I'm finally starting to put losing weight and getting healthy as a priority over immediate gratification and the warm, fuzzy, safe feeling I get from my emotional eating. I have to admit that I love to eat. It's so far beyond the taste and the fullness. I can feel the chemicals in a sweet dessert course through me, and it's a sense of warmth and joy and wellbeing. It's a little high. It's a little high that's legal, cheap, and easy to get. And it's got to stop.

These next few weeks are going to be difficult. I am getting married on the 14th, and then going to Aruba for a week. I want to be able to eat out in Aruba and not have to order "diet" meals, and I suppose I can do that - not because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, but because I will balance these meals out with lighter other meals, lots of exercise, and small portions.

The most important thing right now is to put the brakes on gaining weight and shift gears into reverse. I can do this.